WHO: Nina Deforest and Rupert Shield WHEN: End of April! WHERE: Their home SUMMARY: Nina experiences a final battle through Tauriel's eyes and she doesn't react well. Luckily Rupert is there to help. This isn't quite complete, yet. WARNINGS: Death :(
Nina didn't know how long she had been standing in the backyard, tennis ball in one hand and Sam sitting diligently in front of her, his tail swishing back and forth in expectation of her throwing it for him to retrieve once again. It could have been seconds. It could have been an hour. But as her thoughts became her own once more, she felt the ball slip from her grasp, falling to the ground and rolling a few inches away. Below her, Sam let out a disappointed huff before moving to pick it up for her, but even as Nina came to realize that she was in Dunhaven, at her home where it was very much a spring evening and not surrounded by the mists of Ravenhill, her mind was with Tauriel.
As she felt Tauriel's emotions flood through, pushing all of her own logic and rationale aside, Nina stumbled where she stood, one knee sinking into the soft grass. The dog came to sit in front of her once more, clearly expecting to be pet by his normally attentive owner. Instead, Nina found herself staring forward, her mind replaying everything that she had just seen.
Nina could hear Tauriel's cries of Kili's name, then the brief shred of relief that she'd felt at hearing him call for her in return. But then there was Bolg, rampaging out of seemingly nowhere thanks to just how truly distracted she had been, pushing her forward and into stone steps. The fight had only gotten worse for her, the orc not allowing her to get the upper hand. She evaded him for a time, but soon enough he overpowered her, throwing her against a wall. Nina could almost feel the phantom pains in her body, even as she saw Tauriel look up at what she thought would be her death before Kili descended upon Bolg, distracting him from her.
Feeling the tears on her cheeks before she even realized that they were gathering in her eyes and falling at all, Nina tore her glasses from her face as she knelt on the ground. Her free hand covered her face, but it didn't stop her from recalling every detail as Tauriel had experienced it. Kili, fighting with Bolg until the orc had him in a helpless position instead. Tauriel, pulling her injured body to her feet and trying to do what Kili had done for her, only for Bolg to throw her aside too easily. Then, her body refusing to move fast enough, watching from where she had landed on the stone ground as Bolg pierced Kili through with the hilt of his mace.
Tauriel's pain, both physical and emotional, fell upon Nina's shoulders as hot and heavy as her own. Though she had known that this was coming -- it had been impossible not to, once the puzzle pieces had been put together and she recalled the reading from her youth -- it made it no easier. Tauriel hadn't been in that reading, after all. Nina hadn't known how her story would play into this loss.
One moment passed, then another. Then, finally, Nina gripped onto her mind tight enough to think of someone other than Kili, though one might have argued that they were one and the same.
Nina jumped to her feet, hurrying back toward the house and only lingering at the back door long enough to make sure Sam had followed her in. "Rupert?" Still holding her glasses in one hand, she made no effort to disguise the desperation that had leaked into her voice. The logical, rational part of her mind that had been pushed aside hadn't returned just yet. It might have reminded her that these were just visions of another life and that what she saw in that life didn't necessarily reflect on this one. She was not an elf, Rupert was not a dwarf. They were not in the midst of a war in Middle Earth.
And yet, she couldn't stop the way worry seemed to settle around her shoulders, her heart squeezing in her chest, and her mind jumping to the worst of conclusions. The house wasn't overly large, but even as she bounded away from the back door, she once more called out his name, her voice hitching on the second syllable, even as her volume rose to a near shout. At her heels, Sam barked, recognizing Nina's distress.
Rupert heard Nina’s voice across the house, not thinking much of her calling out his name the first time, despite the chilling fear in her voice. He’d been in the middle of pulling a clean t-shirt over his head and had been more focused on that at first, rather than how she sounded.
By the second time she called out and Sam barked in response, Rupert could center in on the emotions he heard, and he knew something wasn’t right. “Nina?” he answered, stepping out from their bedroom and into the hallway that led to the rest of the house. “What’s wrong?”
Nina nearly crumpled in relief at the sound of Rupert's voice; the logical part of her that was rooted in this life continued to try and remind her that she was being silly, but her emotions were too much of a storm by this point to give a single care about logic. She turned down the hallway and didn't slow as she hurried to him, arms going wide to wrap around his neck, holding him tight to her as she pushed herself to her toes.
Alive. He was here and breathing and alive. Nina didn't want to even think of what she would have done hadn't been home.
"You're okay," she breathed, her hand that wasn't still clutching her glasses moving so her fingers could bury themselves in his hair. "I knew you would be. But I didn't -- Kili -- " Nina let out a frustrated breath as the words didn't come as easily as they normally might, her emotions struggling to stabilize in her mind. She simply tightened her arms around him, then repeated, "You're okay."
The force with which she threw herself at him caused Rupert to stumble backwards a step, and his hands found her waist to steady both himself and her. “Darling,” he murmured gently, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows, “of course I’m okay.”
His heart had skittered at the mention of Kili, and somewhere deep in his chest, Rupert felt sure he knew what was upsetting Nina. J.R.R. Tolkien had been a long-time favourite in his household, so he had learned long ago what fate had in store for Thorin’s company. The addition to Tauriel in the story was new -- a spark of light in Kili’s life that Rupert was terribly grateful for. He didn’t want to ask, but when he felt sure that her breathing was starting to settle, he did: “what happened?”
Hesitating for one deep breath, Nina pulled away from Rupert. Her eyes were now dry from the tears that she had shed outside, even if the evidence might have still been there from the redness, and they took in his features for one more long breath before she even considered how to answer his question. When she did speak, her words were more even, more like her normal self, even if there was an underlying shake to them that wasn't normally there when she spoke.
"They were at Ravenhill. Tauriel, Legolas, and Bilbo were trying to warn Kili and the other dwarves of an attack from the orcs, but they didn't get there in time." Nina paused, her eyes squeezing shut as the images flooded her mind once more. "Tauriel was attacked by Bolg and he was going to kill her, but Kili -- he -- he sacrificed himself for her."
Oh. Rupert’s breath caught in his throat for a moment. He’d known the day would come eventually, when they’d see the moment when Kili would suffer his mortal wound, when he’d die with Tauriel’s name on his lips. At least, Rupert thought, he got to see Tauriel again. At least Kili knew that Tauriel had come back for him. At least he died knowing that he was loved in return.
Rupert lifted a hand to cup the back of Nina’s head, smoothing his hand over her hair. “I’m so sorry you had to see that.” He knew there was nothing he could say or do that would change any of it. They couldn’t change the other lives they’d had, no matter how much they wanted to. The reality would always be that Kili and Tauriel’s love story was over before it could begin. “But I’m here. I won’t leave you.”
Part of Nina wanted to make Rupert promise her that he wouldn't leave, but she had calmed enough to know that she didn't need to. Anything could happen, of course; they worked in a profession where they knew too well that sometimes the devastatingly unexpected could happen to the best and most well intentioned of people. Still, she knew that he wouldn't willing leave her, the same just as easily to be said about her. Kili and Tauriel's love story might have been cut short, but theirs was only getting started -- or, at the very least, had plenty more to go.
"I know," Nina replied, breathing the words out in a sigh. She moved her hand to let her fingers curl around the elbow of his lifted arm. And though it hadn't been Tauriel that had left in what she had seen, she added, "I won't leave you, either."
“I’ve never doubted that.” Kili hadn’t doubted her, either, from what Rupert had seen. She hadn’t been able to openly reciprocate his feelings, but Kili had been confident enough in what he felt that he hadn’t worried about it. He understood what duty to one’s king looked like and what that required. It wasn’t easy to break free from the hold that Thorin and Thranduil had on them.
He pressed a kiss to Nina’s temple. “At least he got to see her again.” Rupert knew that might ring hollow for Nina, who was going to have to live with the image of Kili dying, but he also knew how much joy it would’ve given Kili to know that Tauriel found him again. That, even near-death, Kili would have seen it as proof of their love and connection, to know that she had sought him out specifically.
That did give Nina some solace, even if she wasn't sure just how much comfort that knowledge might have given Tauriel. Though she hadn't been able to look very far beyond their immediate danger, Nina knew that the elven woman did want to see Kili again; that much was obvious, in how she had rushed into danger in an effort to save him. It hadn't done very much good, though, and if Tauriel was anything like Nina -- and she was, to an almost shocking extent -- she could only imagine the guilt that was going to be placed on her heart knowing that he had died saving her. Even then, standing there with Rupert, she found herself wondering if he may have survived had she not entered the fray and distracted him.
They were pointless thoughts, of course, and only an exercise in pain. Tauriel had saved Kili before, but no amount of magic that was within her means would be able to bring him back to her. She couldn't go back and change the past, no matter how much she wished she could.
Nina leaned into Rupert, taking in his touch and savoring it. Their lives, as she had already reminded herself, were different here. They had a chance that Tauriel and Kili would never have, something she had always known in one way or another. Their relationship was uncomplicated in that there was no elven or dwarven barriers between them, nor was there a grand quest or war standing in their way. Distance had been their main hurdle, an issue that they had solved without the other even knowing. And now they were together, legally so in only a handful of months. It was very good.
"I love you," Nina said, the words almost coming out as a sigh. She lifted one of her hands, letting her fingers rest at his jaw. After a breath's pause, she added, "So much."
Rupert smiled and leaned into her hand a little. What Kili would’ve given to feel her touch again. “I love you, too.”
It was in moments like this one that Rupert wanted to throw the entire wedding plan aside and get married immediately. It wouldn’t change either of their fears or what had happened to Tauriel and Kili, but the temptation was there nevertheless. If he could ease the pain he saw on her face, he would have done so in a heartbeat.
“What can I do?” he asked. “I know I can’t change what happened, but… I hate to see that look on your face. And I don’t want it haunting you.”
Nina hesitated a few moments before trying to put together an answer that would even remotely feel sufficient. Even as she stood there with the very real physical evidence that Rupert was all right, she could also feel that pain that belonged to Tauriel. It may not have been as strong as it had when she'd first come back to herself in the yard, but it was present. She didn't know if anything could truly be done to make it go away entirely, which she supposed was the way of things with such a loss.
Still, the fact that he was so obviously wanting to help her, to ease her pain in whatever manner her could, made Nina's heart feel light. She leaned in, her arms enveloping him in a full embrace as her cheek came to rest on his shoulder. "You're doing a lot right now just by being here," she admitted, breathing out a long sigh. "Just promise that you won't get irritated with me if I text incessantly when we're apart for the next day or so."
“I could never,” Rupert insisted. “I just hope you won’t panic if I don’t answer right away.” A lack of an expedient reply just meant he was at work -- and he knew she knew his schedule, so he hoped she’d be able to stay calm and think rationally, instead of getting wrapped up in her fears. He knew how easy that could happen. “I’ll answer as quickly as I can. I’ll even send ridiculous selfies so you know it’s really me.”
Despite herself, Nina smiled. It wasn't that shocking, really, that he could pull a smile from her, even during a moment like this one. That was part of why she loved him as much as she did. The list was long and ever expanding, but the fact that he seemed to always know what to say to lighten her heart when she needed it most was definitely among the reasons.
"I promise I won't panic," she agreed. "I also promise that I won't make you take pictures with newspapers, to prove they're current pictures, too."
Rupert laughed. “How about I write a new note every time and take a picture with it?” That was probably overkill, but he thought it was a cute idea all the same. Anything to keep a smile on her face, he thought. Kili would have done the same.
His expression turned serious, then, as he thought more about how little time Tauriel and Kili had -- and about how many things Kili never got to say to her. He would’ve given Tauriel the stars in the sky if he could have. Rupert pushed it aside as quickly as he could, and tried to focus again on the woman in his arms instead of on a life that was over too soon. “I’ll even write in Khuzdul so you know it’s really me.”
Nina's face softened at the thought, not caring at all that it was probably overkill; nothing really felt overkill with him. Everything she felt for him always had the potential to feel as though she was always at the brim or overflowing with emotion. Getting express that love -- or be on the receiving end of his own expressions -- would never be something she would turn down.
"I would like that a lot more than I probably should," Nina admitted. "Or maybe just as much as I should."
“Just as much as you should,” Rupert insisted, leaning in a little to kiss her forehead. “You won’t find any judgement here.” Although he had no doubt he’d be affectionate and open with her without Kili in the background, Rupert knew that Kili was still a large part of why he was so forthcoming with his emotions, now that he could be. He owed the dwarf that much.
“What do you think she would have done if he’d survived?” The question had been nagging at him for a while now; he’d always known where Kili’s life ended, whether it was the book or the movies, even if he hadn’t seen it firsthand. Maybe there was no point in asking a question neither of them would get to see answered. Maybe it would only hurt more, to think about what could have been. But he knew they had an uphill battle, despite how certain Kili was about his love.
It was a good question and one that Nina wasn't entirely sure she had an answer to. She knew what she wanted Tauriel to have done and she knew what Tauriel wanted to do. With the ties to her people having been severed by her king, she was free to do as she pleased. She could go anywhere, do anything. Legolas would have wanted to plead her case on her behalf, but Nina didn't think Tauriel would have wanted that. She would have been given an opportunity for freedom, without any guilt or sense of duty tying her down. It meant she could go where she wanted, with whoever she wanted. It was an opportunity for a new life.
"I'm not sure," she murmured, still looking thoughtful. "I like to think so. Given just how desperate she was to find Kili and how worried she had been... I don't think she'd have been able to deny what she felt for him, had he survived."
They could’ve gone anywhere, Rupert thought, once Kili recovered. Kili surely would have wanted to stay close while they repaired Erebor and reestablished the kingdom, but after? The world would’ve been at their fingertips.
But that all required someone else surviving -- Thorin or Fili. Otherwise Kili would have been king, and then what?
Rupert’s expression darkened for a moment as that thought crossed his mind, but then he looked down at Nina and tried to focus his attention back on the present. There was no sense in daydreaming about a future that never could be when he had everything he’d ever wanted right there in front of him. “I’m glad we don’t have to deal with what they would have faced,” he admitted. “I know my family is … complicated, at best, but not nearly as complicated as Kili’s.”
Rupert's comments left Nina considering her own family in comparison to Tauriel's. The differences went beyond the simple fact that she had one, given that her counterpart had lost hers so young; if she expanded it to the elves she had grown up with, the differences just piled up. Her parents were supportive and loving, having had cheering her on since she was a child when it came to literally anything her mind landed on for goals. What more, they loved Rupert, not only because of how happy he made her, but because he was a good man and they saw that. Where Tauriel's family was complicated -- or where Rupert's might have been -- Nina's was much more simple and she appreciated that about them.
"Maybe it's a bit complicated," Nina agreed, "but all the complications in the world are worth it, if it means having you in my life." She leaned in, giving Rupert a soft kiss before adding, "And I think Tauriel would have thought the same, when it came to Kili."
“I feel the same.” His grip around her tightened slightly. “And so did he.” Rupert had given up quite a lot to stay in America -- he’d gained more, but it wasn’t lost on him that he’d effectively lost his relationship with his parents by choosing to be loyal to Margaret and to their own futures, rather than what their parents wanted. He suspected Kili would’ve lost a great deal, as well, had he lived.
“At least I’m not in line for any thrones,” he quipped. “That makes all of this much easier.”