WHO: Beau Alderman and Josie Reed WHEN: Somewhere between very late January 25 and very early January 26 WHERE: Beau's dorm SUMMARY: Josie experiences dream reruns and wakes Beau up, leading to them having a talk. WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and death, Divergent style
It had been a considerable amount of time since Josie had suffered through a memory of Christina's life. There had been nothing new, nor had there been any reminders of painful old memories. She had almost grown jaded to those; there had been weeks where every night she was plagued with Molly's beating her up, Eric forcing her to hang over the edge of the Pit, coming to from the simulation with a gun in her hand, or seeing the unseeing eyes of Will. It seemed impossible that so much pain, both physical and mental, could be thrust upon one individual in such a short amount of time, but it had been. And now Josie had the luxury of living through it.
At least, she had been. Then the dreams felt as though they were almost fading. She had been afraid to ask Bea or Noah if they had experienced the same, preferring to imagine that perhaps they were done. Maybe whatever force or magic or being that had all of them going through such similar experiences had run its course. Part of her knew that was only wishful thinking, thanks to the occasional mention in public from someone on the town's social network. It was Connor's own dreams that made her forget the hope altogether.
But then, as though having enjoyed lulling her into a false sense of security, the dreams came back all at once. In the span of only a short amount of sleep, Josie relived Christina's life. No detail was left out, from the Choosing Ceremony to Dauntless to training to the simulation. The last thing she saw was Will, then she was awake.
The second she woke, Josie sat straight up. Much of the blankets moved with her, her fists having had curled into them at some point in her sleep. It took her only a few seconds to recognize her surroundings as Beau's dorm room, rather than her own dorm that she shared with Bea or her bedroom at her parents' home. It was as familiar and comforting as the latter two might have been, much of her time spent there since her boyfriend had moved into it. Though she might not have spent every night in his dorm, despite just how much Josie might have wished she could, with much of the building vacated thanks to students having left campus to enjoy January Term off, it felt like a good time to indulge. Though the bed might have been much smaller than the one they had shared on their Orlando vacation, they had figured out how to make it work without one or both of them kicking the other to the floor in their sleep.
Josie pressed a hand to her chest, feeling her heart racing below her touch as she willed her breathing to go back to normal. This wasn't new, but it didn't make it any easier for her to calm. Her head swam with images, of fists and bullets and blood. She closed her eyes, trying to erase them and replace each memory with something good, but it was as much of a struggle as ever.
Next to her, she felt Beau stir and immediately straightened up. She turned, an apology on her face even as she voiced, "I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you up."
Beau was used to Josie staying over with him by now. Though they hadnât really started such arrangements until after their trip to Orlando, when she moved into the dorms and out from beneath her parentâs watchful eyes, it became a regular occurrence. To sleep comfortably in the small dorm room beds, they had to cuddle close. This wasnât a problem by any means in Beauâs book, but it did mean that when Josie sat up next to him, he was dragged out of his dreams as well by the movement. His arm had been across her stomach, but had shifted when she woke. He was quiet for a few moments, listening to her quickened breathing. He shifted to reach out to her, but the motion just made her turn to him and apologize.
He shook his head softly, but his brows drew together a little, âItâs fine, Josie.â He almost asked after her dream counterpart as well, though he never pried for details that she didnât want to give. He sat up next to her, but slipped his arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to her temple, âAre you all right?â
As Beau sat up and slid his arm around her, Josie didn't hesitate in leaning into him. She always liked being close to him, but she especially needed it after she dreamed about Will, even more when she dreamed about his death. Her eyes closed as she let her cheek rest on his shoulder, soaking in the little reminders that he wasn't Will -- that he was Beau and he was alive and he was well. The dream never hit her as hard as it had that very first time, but that didn't mean she didn't appreciate the reminders.
"Yeah," she said; it wasn't really a lie, despite that there was a weariness to her tone. "Just... dreams. A lot of dreams. I think I saw everything again." She paused, her eyes opening to to look across the darkness of his dorm. "Worst reruns ever."
He almost flinched when she said she had seen everything again. That meant sheâd seen and experienced all that pain, physical and emotional, all over again. He didnât let her go, instead squeezing her just a little with his arm around her, âShe doesnât have an easy life.â There was a small sigh there in his voice, though he just wished that he could help her bear it in some way. Barryâs life also had a lot of significant downs. Heâd lost so much that sometimes it nearly took Beau to his knees, but they didnât have the luxury of putting off their own lives because of bad dreams.
âDo you want to talk about any of it? I know itâs not easyâŚâ Beau had heard - he thought - at least most of it, but he knew that sometimes talking could stop the cycle of the mind lingering over certain thoughts and ideas, âOr I can just hold you. Whatever you need.â
In truth, Josie wasn't sure what she needed. Like everyone else that was suffering from them in town, what she really desired was a way to turn the dreams off. It felt as though there was no end in sight and, even if there was, it wasn't as though they couldn't just continue to have the dreams on repeat, as she had just experienced for herself. But if she couldn't have a solution like that, she had to admit that just having Beau's arms around her was a very close second.
"Hold me," she sighed, pulling herself a bit closer, "and maybe talk, a little." She paused for one deep inhale of breath, then said, "I just wish there was something that I could do to change it. To get her to fight back harder and smarter against Molly or tell Eric where to shove it or to do something to fight the sim or keep Will -- " Her voice broke off, eyes screwed shut as she tried to fight the images off. "But I never can. There's no changing it."
Beau squeezed his arm a little tighter around her as she spoke, hearing the emotional tone in her voice and wishing that he could do more for her. He understood her wishes, but at the same time...he had learned from Barryâs mistakes, and there were many of them. He wasnât sure if what he could offer was truly helpful or not, but he hedged into the topic anyway.
âIf my dreams about Barry have taught me anything, itâs that as awful as things might have been for Christina in those moments...if things changed, they could be worse for her. Or better for her and worse for Tris or any of her other friends. Barry tried to change things...he went back in time and altered one event that felt vital to him. He saved his mother. It hurt a lot of other people, and even when he realized that and tried to fix the timeline...it still hurt people he loved, in so many ways. He had to let her die all over again, but the damage that heâd done couldnât be undone. Sometimes those seemingly small decisions or events can be...vital, as difficult as it is to accept.â
Josie straightened up a bit as Beau spoke, giving her the opportunity to look at him as she listened to every word that described what he saw and had to live through as Barry. It was impossible to forget that she wasn't the only one having the dreams; sharing them with Bea and Noah like she did was reminder enough, but knowing that she and Beau didn't share them in the same way was a reminder of a different sort. Their experiences couldn't have been more different, though. Christina lived in some strange world of factions and revolution, while Barry lived in, from what Josie could tell, a world not too different from their own, with the inclusion of superspeed and superheroes. While on the one hand she disliked the differences as it made it hard for her to understand or relate at times to what Beau went through, she wouldn't have wished her own world upon him, either.
But what she did know and understand was that if Barry had made all of those choices and had to live through all those painful consequences, it meant that Beau had, too. Josie reached for one of his hands, her fingers wrapping around his and pulling it close to her chest. In an instant, her own dreams were pushed to the back of her mind, her instinct to be supportive of him overriding everything else. "I'm sorry you've had to go through all that," she said, her head tipping forward to press her lips to his knuckles. Straightening back up, Josie looked at him. "I know that's not easy, either."
Beau hadnât meant to shift the conversation to his own dreams. He had just wanted to see if maybe it would help if she had a slightly different perspective from someone who had changed things and it really hadnât turned out for the better in the long run. Even as she kissed his hand, he squeezed her fingers gently, âItâs not...but itâs in a different way than yours as Christina, I think. A lot of the dreams with Barry are good, despite the really crappy ones. I at least have some balance with all of that. I donât...dread the dreams, usually. Some of them are stressful or even painful, but he usually figures things out and he heals incredibly fast so the pain usually doesnât last long. Sometimes I feel like Iâm cheating with all of that.â
He smiled softly, and looked down at her in the dim lighting of his dorm, âI wish I could make things better for you...take away the pain or the heartache or both. But you can always talk to me about it. Even if youâre not here, Iâm never far away. Even if we canât bear the bad things for each other, we can at least support each other through it.â
There had been a couple of times when Josie had tried to ignore or push aside the things that she had seen in her dreams. It had felt like an impossible feat to talk about them, which was a rarity in and of itself as she had always told Beau everything, from the mundane to the important. In many ways, she had thought she was sparing them both, but she knew now that it had been a poor choice in retrospect. It was Beau's unwavering love and support that got her through so many of her harder days; she had many people in her life that she could say the same of, but none of them held her heart quite like he did.
"You do make things better for me. Just by being you," Josie replied, her hand releasing his fingers to instead rise and brush over his cheek and jaw. "And the same is true for you, baby. I'm always here for you, no matter what."
He leaned his cheek a little into her palm and shifted just a bit to kiss her hand where it lingered against his face, âI know. Weâve always got each otherâs backs.â Beau had known that for a long time. They had stayed together, strong and steadfast, despite everyone saying that they couldnât make such a youthful romance work. It was certainly easier now that they were both at the university. When theyâd started having the dreams, Josie was the first person he had actually told anything about them to. It was good to be able to talk to some of their other friends about it as well, but he always sought her out first if there was anything weighing on his mind.
âDo you think things could get easier for Christina? Eventually, I mean. Have you dreamed of anything new?â Beau was hopeful that maybe Josieâs dreams could take a turn for the better despite the horrible things she had seen, but maybe that was just misplaced optimism.
"The last thing I dreamed was when Tris told everyone that she -- that she killed Will," Josie said, her voice a bit sad as she mentioned the memory. She didn't know what had been worse: seeing it through Christina's eyes or, only a short while before, having to listen to Bea relay what had happened when she told her and Noah about it. They had been difficult for two completely separate reasons. With Christina, she had felt her anger and betrayal at Tris. As Josie, she could still feel everything that Christina felt, but she could see it through her own eyes. She understood the situation that Tris had been in and she could hardly blame Bea for it, especially not if she believed her friends when they told her that she couldn't be blamed for the actions Christina had taken, both with and without the urging of the simulation.
What had been truly difficult for Josie, though, had been seeing her best friend wrestle with the knowledge and struggle under the weight of it. Just as she didn't want to see Beau struggle with his dreams, Josie certainly didn't want to see Bea do the same.
She had told Beau about the dream not long after she'd had it, her resolve to be honest with at least one person resolute. "I don't know what I'm going to see next, but I know that I'm not looking forward to it. It feels like she's at a place where it can only get worse before it gets better, you know?" She released a soft breath, then latched onto what remained of her optimism to add, "But, maybe I'm wrong."
Beau tightened his arm around her a little when confirmed her last dream. Or, at least the last thing that had happened chronologically. That was everything that she knew, and he was certain she was probably right when she said things might only get worse before they got better. In the dreams, he world was in turmoil, and she was dealing with loss and feelings of betrayal. How would Christina get past that? Josie had a different perspective, at least, but those things really happened to the girl in her dreams. Would she forgive Tris? Or would she lose her best friend as well as her...boyfriend. Beau knew that Josieâs feelings for him werenât compromised by Christinaâs feelings for Will, just as he had no affection for Iris in this world. He remembered what it was like to love her, but it really just made him love and appreciate Josie even more.
âI hope youâre wrong...but even if youâre right, Iâll be there to help you through it,â Beau assured her. He had told Josie the majority of his dreams as well, though sometimes not every detail if it didnât feel like an important one. So much happened in his dreams. It all seemed so fast-paced, and he wasnât certain if that was because Barry was The Flash, or if he just never got to rest without something going sideways, âDo you want to try to lie back down?â They could also get up and go for a walk and Beau wouldnât complain, but that tended to be more his solution to bad dreams than hers.
"Yeah," Josie agreed, the word escaping her like a sigh. She felt a bit guilty at walking Beau up still, but she knew that had he actually slept through her movements, he'd have wanted her to wake him if she needed him; she knew this, because she would have wanted the same of him. Still, even as she began to move to lay back down and get comfortable, she said, "I'm sorry I woke you up, but⌠thank you. For letting me talk."
As she began to settle in, Beau leaned back as well. He shifted enough that he could pull her in close, perhaps able to hold her even better now than he had been when they were sitting up. He brushed a gentle kiss to her temple, âYou can always wake me up, baby. Any time, for any reason. I think the best way to get through all of this is to talk. It would about drive me crazy not to. I know that. Even if we donât...share dreams like some people do, we still know each other best.â
Josie smiled to herself as she let Beau pull her in, more comfortable now, perhaps, than she had even been when they first went to sleep, despite the dreams -- or maybe because of them. It was hard to not feel especially close to him after a conversation like that one, her heart a bit lighter regardless of the circumstance. "We do," she agreed, breathing out a soft sigh. There was no one that knew her better. He may not have been Will and she might not have been Iris, but that was all right; they were Beau and Josie and that's what mattered most.