Who: James Xander and Anton Sparke What: Uncertain reunions after 6 months apart Where: Anton's Penthouse When: Recently. Warnings: Man feelings. A lot of them.
James questioned himself for the fortieth time as he exited the lift. Showing up directly at Anton's penthouse to surprise him had certainly seemed like a good idea when he formulated the plan, but what did he know? He was still new to this whole relationship thing, despite the fact that they had technically been seeing each for several months now. Unavoidable absences would do that to a relationship. However, James had finally found someone to take his place in Africa, which meant he could get on the first aeroplane back to the US and to his boyfriend. If he still could be called that.
Things were more than a little uncertain between James and Anton, which of course, was why he was questioning himself in the first place. Their correspondence over the months had been cordial, but not much else, and James couldn't tell if Anton had ended things with him in a way he didn't understand, or whether they were still together. Either way, he would be finding out once Anton opened that door. James knew he could have stopped by his own flat for a shower and a shave instead of showing up in his plane-worn khakis and likely wrinkled shirt, but he was worried he would change his mind if he went home. No, this was better. He would feel better once this conversation was out of the way. Or so he hoped.
Dropping his duffle bag onto the floor outside the door, James rang the bell. Any second now, Anton would see him on one of his many monitors. What happened after that was anybody's guess.
There were many things that Anton expected on the other side of his door at any given moment. What he actually saw on his security monitor was nowhere near his list of what he might see. He tilted his head a bit, and was genuinely surprised. He paused. He wasn’t doing anything interesting. Living alone was turning Anton in an old man, he was sitting at home reading a 95 page report from an Engineering student looking for an internship and listening to Metallica. And drinking tea. He was dressed in jeans and a plain black tee shirt, he was so metal it hurt.
He opened the door, torn between punching him in the face for leaving, and dragging him in the house because he was home, he had no idea how to react. He had taken James leaving personally, very personally. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand, but the timing had been shit and Anton was convinced it was him and he would never ever find someone who actually wanted to be with him. It was all very maudlin and dramatic, but there it was. “You’re home.” Was all he managed to say.
James stood silent for a moment, stumped at his own reaction to seeing Anton after so long. He looked good, even though James could tell that the man hadn't been happy in far too long. He knew he was to blame for this, at least partially, but the guilt would have to wait. He looked at Anton for a long time, acting like the cliche from every romantic novel - the boyfriend drinking in the sight of his lover after too long apart. The jeans and tee shirt were a different look than James had been expecting, but he liked it. Honestly, he would have liked it if Anton had walked to the door in bunny pyjamas, that's how little it mattered what Anton was wearing. The man was a damn sight better than James, that was certain.
He took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to respond. He had half been expecting to be punched, and the completely calm reaction had caught James off guard. He want to laugh, perhaps shout. He wanted to close the distance between them and pull Anton close in a hug, or a kiss. What he did instead was look Anton right in the eyes - the only way James knew to convey what he really felt - and speak. "I've missed you." It was simple, it was honest, and it was the bloody damn truth.
Anton took a deep breath and stepped aside to let him in. He looked at him then looked down at the floor, then looked at him again. Oh sigh. “I’ve missed you too,” he admitted. This was not at all the catastrophe situation he was expecting. He wanted to fight. He wanted to holler. He wanted to tell him that he’d been hurt, but he didn’t. For now he just wanted him in his house and sitting down and not going anywhere. Oh sigh.
“I’ve been drinking tea, would you like a cup? I’m fairly sure it’s shit.”
James couldn't help but smile when Anton moved to let him in. He picked up his bag and stepped inside the door, half-wondering when the other shoe would drop. There would be words, he was sure of that. All the things that had been left unsaid in their correspondence would come out one way or another. He was perfectly content to let it wait and focus on the here and now. Fights could come later; he hadn't touched his boyfriend for six months.
"Tea? You?" James's brows shot up. That was new. Very new. James had learned to drink coffee over his years in the US, entirely because it was difficult to get anyone to drink tea with him. It struck him as being more strange than it should have, and he filed it away as something to tease the man about later. "Tea would be grand, yes. But later." He reached out his free hand to take hold of one of Anton's. "I just want to... be for a minute first." James wanted other things besides 'being', but he knew he should take things one step at a time. Things were going so well; rocking the boat now would be a shame.
Anton knew that there would be words, he just couldn’t seem to find any at the moment. He looked James over, he looked tired, he even went as far as taking his bag from him and dropping it all of three feet away because who cares? He grinned, just a bit, almost sheepishly, “Like I said, I missed you.”
He was a little unsure about what to do in this situation, Anton was not used to these kind of feelings, let alone these situations. It wasn’t his strong point, but what was his strong point was doing whatever he wanted because it was fun, made him feel nice, etc etc. So he squeezed James’ hand and moved a bit closer. “I can be for a minute, but we’re standing in the doorway so come sit down. Unless you’re comfortable here.” He wanted him in his living room, and on his couch, and not going anywhere else. Africa, definitely not, but not even down the damn hallway.
James grinned and moved closer, just enough so he could swing the door shut behind him. "I'm alright. I've been sitting for hours. A few moments of standing won't hurt." He laughed softly when Anton swung the bag out of the way, both at the act and the warm sensation that spread through his stomach at the sight of it. James had missed Anton over the last six months, but it wasn't until he standing there, inside the doorway to the man's house, that he realized how much worse that could have been. Perhaps it was a good thing that neither of them were particularly prone to verbalizing their feelings on a regular basis. It would have been exhausting.
Damn it all to hell, James had missed him. So much so that he couldn't take it any longer; if they needed to fight, they would fight, if Anton needed to shout, he could shout. James would do what he needed to do. Stepping into the space between them, he pulled Anton towards him and kissed him. A thorough, proper, this-is-how-hard-my-last-six-months-were-without-you kiss.
Anton had spent six months assuming that James had been looking for an easy out, mostly because his experiences hadn’t been great in this regard. He liked to think he had self confidence, in fact in a lot of ways it was obvious Anton was downright arrogant. But these interpersonal relationships were not his strong point, and he had just about given up on James ever coming back.
He had spent months thinking up all the things he’d say if it ever came up, but even after months of emails and skype calls, and vows that he wouldn’t return another email (though he always did), and decisions that he wouldn’t be nice when they spoke (he always was), and all of the things he was determined to be pissy about - he was finding it difficult. And it became even more difficult when James kissed him. He’d been missing this, well he’d been missing all of it really, but this was in the here and now and he wasn’t entirely sure what his reaction was supposed to be. He knew what he wanted to, or what he’d thought he wanted to do, which was demand answers and flail his arms around and tell James that he was perfect shit for leaving him here alone. When all the kissing was done, Anton had to take a small, very small, step back. Somehow he’d managed to find himself all entangled, there were arms and faces and chests all in each other’s way and he had to chuckle just a bit.
Everything he wanted to say was stuck in his throat and the only thing that he could manage to get out at the moment was a very pathetic (at least in Anton’s opinion), “Don’t do that again,” he wasn’t referring to the kissing. He had been referring to the leaving. The leaving had been awful. People were always leaving, except for when Anton had managed to move to Las Vegas, and it was starting (read: had already in huge noticeable ways) to give him a complex. He hated feeling like some clingy boyfriend, that wasn’t who he was, and he knew that. But he’d left originally because he’d been a bit concerned about wanting more from a friend that he liked to get together with and talk about science. More often than not they’d ended up naked, but that wasn’t the same as the understanding they’d only recently come to. Before James moved to Africa. “I didn’t think you’d come back here,” yet another thing that felt pathetic to say, and he was embarrassed. He blamed the kissing, it had thrown him into a spiral of emotions. Definitely James’ fault.
James exhaled slowly, a feeling of contentment he hadn't realized he'd been missing washing over him. This feeling was the primary reason Anton and him had kept up their strange iteration of a friendship for so many years. It was the reason he had listened to the man's daughter's pleas and transferred to Las Vegas. And it was the reason he had agreed to do something that had previously been entirely uncharacteristic, and promised fidelity to one man. It was a promise he had kept, and now that he was back with his arms around Anton, James remembered why.
He frowned slightly when Anton pulled away, but did not complain. If things continued the way they were, which he sorely hoped they would, there would be time for more. "I have absolutely no desire to do that again. Believe me, saving young children was nowhere near rewarding enough to make being so far from you worth it." It was a strange admission coming from James, not only because it revealed the depth of his affection for Anton, but also because in that moment, he couldn't care less about how selfish it made him sound. "Of course I was going to come back. I ran here as fast as I could, so to speak. Didn't even stop to clean up."
Anton looked James over, he did look like shit, but it wasn’t terrible and he didn’t care. He imagined this conversation going so badly. He had been harboring nothing but contempt for about six months but now that he was back it was easier for him to shelve that for the time being and calm down. He didn’t want to seem clingy, or upset, but he also thought he owed James a bit of honesty. Honesty that had perhaps been lacking since James had decided to leave, and in every conversation that had been more and more terse than the last. “The timing was bad, I thought,” he took a deep breath. “I thought you wouldn’t want to come back here,” he said. “I didn’t think,” he stopped. “I thought you might have been having second thoughts.” Another pause. “About us.”
James's first inclination was to tell Anton to not be foolish, but he quashed it, knowing that Anton deserved more. He put himself in Anton's shoes, and tried to see what the other man had seen in his actions. "I'm sorry," he said after a long silence. "It was never about us. I tried desperately to get out of it, but it had been too late." He brought a hand up to trace the line of Anton's cheekbone. "I'm so incredibly sorry I didn't make that clearer. I've thought a lot about you." He swallowed. "About us, these last few months. But not in doubt. I thought you were the one who might be rethinking us."
He was trying to wrap his head around all of it, it was a lot to process, and it seemed that absence made the heart grow fonder. If only because they were both saying things that had gone unsaid for months. Longer on Anton’s part, he’d run away to Las Vegas to escape from all of the feelings he was having. But James had showed up, and things were different, and then they were scary, and then they were good. For about twenty minutes. “I was,” he answered honestly. “I absolutely was, but that was apparently based on some assumptions I shouldn’t have made,” he said taking a bit of a deep breath. It was very strange being in this position, all of a sudden everything he’d been thinking had been proved wrong. Completely wrong, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, James. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt, my,” he smiled, “My garbage doesn’t need to keep affecting you, this is twice now.”
James swallowed and nodded, forcing himself not to look away from Anton after his admission. "No, it isn't your fault. We're together. We've been together. If my actions indicate otherwise, you're well within your rights to question them." It wasn't Anton's fault that James had gone through almost four decades without learning the basic rules to being with someone. It was a new mindset for him to be in, and having spent so little time together before being pulled away to Africa, he hadn't had the chance to grow properly accustomed to it. He would simply have to try twice as hard now.
He attempted to mirror Anton's smile. "How you feel and what you think about me, about us, is by no means garbage." His voice caught on the word, completely foreign and out of place in his mouth. "And of course it needs to keep affecting me. I might be new to this, but I'm fairly certain that's how this works." A bigger smile now, one that reached his eyes. "We might need to consult an expert to be sure."
There was something to be said about standing in a hallway with the man he’d been intent on reading the riot act only to realize that no, he did not in fact, want to read him the riot act at all. He just wanted to drag him into his house and work out all of their issues and shake him if need be. He expected more of a fight, because he knew how angry he’d been for the past half a year. “I have no idea,” he said with a genuine laugh. “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, I just,” he paused for a moment. “I just didn’t want to stop you from living your life the way you always have, and I didn’t like the thought that we were impossible. That we wanted different things. Which is a reality for a lot of people, but I’m forty years old and I’m tired of the way I was living my life, I kind of just want to,” he smiled wryly, “be. And I want to be with you. I didn’t like the thought that maybe you didn’t want to make the leap with me. Because it’s a pretty terrifying leap, yeah?”
James looked at Anton. Really looked at him. The corners of his mouth twisted slowly upwards in a smile. "We took the leap, love. Wasn't that the deal we made? I buy you flowers and tell you you look smashing, and we get to be together." Of course, James didn't know any more than Anton what he was doing. "For me, this is how I want to live me life. I'll admit that the program threw an unavoidable wrinkle in the whole scenario, but still, you're the reason why I came here in the first place. And the reason I came back." His smile grew wider as he tilted his head to one side. "The leap's been made, now we just... float?" He paused to frown. "God, I'm terrible at imagery. Perhaps I should stick to my medical terminology."
He grinned then, “Where are my flowers?” he asked rolling his eyes a bit. “They didn’t have flowers at the airport?” he was teasing, and that was a good sign. The leap had indeed been made, they were on the same page for the first time in what felt like ages. This had been brewing with them for quite a while, and now they were airing it, he wasn’t sure what the issue had been before. It wasn’t exactly easy to say what he had, but it hadn’t been horrible either. It had actually been quite nice. “You need a shower, and then I think you shouldn’t worry about getting home any time soon.” It wasn’t much of a request, more of a declaration.
James grinned. "I came here fully prepared to grovel. I couldn't decide whether you'd like flowers or they'd set you off, so I came without." The tension had finally ebbed out of his body, and James could see that Anton was relaxing too. This was why he was here. Why he had come back, why he had kept true to a man on the other side of the world he couldn't be certain even wanted him. It was for the joy, the peace, and the idiotic grin he was sure was plastered on his face. "Home can most certainly wait. Just a shower then? I take it you're fond of the beard?" James scratched the side of his jaw, his grin growing at least thrice as shit-eating. "And here I'd been convinced you'd order me to lop it all off the instant you saw me."
“I can’t say I was prepared to see you, but I’ve been preparing to make you grovel, so I think we can say this didn’t turn out too bad after all,” he said feeling better than he had in months, it was strange that another person could get him all twisted up like that, it had been a very long time since that had happened. “The beard can stay for now, I’m still mulling it over.”