You realize that you will never have control of your life, you'll never have control of your other side. You know that now. It's been too many years running and hiding. You can't control it, it controls you, and it is worse than you can ever express. It's more painful than anyone will ever know.
Everyone assumes you don't know how they look at you, how they think of you. Even your friends know you're dangerous. They fear you, they don't respect you. They pity you but they know who is really in control. They ask for your help when they need it, so many times when they go hunting, they're hunting for you. They're trying to stop you, but they don't have the guts to do what it takes to actually stop you. They meet in secret about your problem. They meet in secret about what side you're really on. You've lived with this, and their judgment for longer than anything else. But they only see you as a weapon, when they look at you as a human being you're someone to worry about. Someone to pacify and patronize. You're not their equal. Even now, in the middle of a Civil War, both sides want you and both sides fear you. So you hide, like the coward you know you are. You were never meant to be a soldier. You were an accident. You're a sick accident, a stroke of good luck for some. A curse for you, and a danger to everyone you've cared about. The monster's been there longer than he's made himself known. You know about the rage blackouts from your early years.
Here, in a dark room, in a dingy building, with your computer tracking your friends, wondering if they'll find you or if they'll find someone else. Wondering if they'll remember it's you when they finally make up their mind on what to do. You've been cast out before. You've been hunted and chased. You've hurt people you care about, you've hurt people you promised to protect. You take the blame for all of it, you accept the responsibility. You didn't used to. But now you do.
It's not all been terrible, even here with the helicopters overhead, protestors in the streets demanding action and others demanding rights. There's no way to come back from this, there's no way to be uninvolved. The world is divided, as divided as you are. And you're afraid. Fear is the ultimate enemy, it's what makes you vulnerable and what makes you dangerous. You hope you can keep the danger at bay long enough to get somewhere else. But you can't, you feel your heart rate increase before you've even got the chance to run. It's too late. You were too late again.