Bucky didn't look full on at her as they walked, but he stole glances to the side, at her face, trying to read the truth there. It didn't really matter maybe, not with what was coming on.
It was like with Steve. The shit Bucky had told him that Steve hadn't deserved to have to deal with, but he'd told him anyway. Bucky was apologizing to her for himself, not to make her feel better, and maybe that meant he should just keep his mouth fucking shut.
Except he wanted her to know. He liked her, and for a little while, they'd been something like friends, and Bucky didn't want her to think he'd have done something if it made her uncomfortable. If he'd thought about it and known, he wouldn't have kept up with the damn books, but he'd only thought about it in terms of how his shit worked and not anyone else's. Maybe it really hadn't bothered her the way he'd started to think it had - but if it had, Bucky wanted her to know that he wouldn't have meant it.
It was really hard to tell when Natasha was telling the truth and when she wasn't. But in the end, she had no reason to lie or try to smooth anything over anymore. So Bucky didn't have any real choice but to take her at her word. Otherwise it was arguing over an apology she was saying he didn't need to give, which was just more pointless, and more of his bullshit. "You weren't," Bucky said. "And you were right," he added quietly. "I just didn't want to face up to it. I shouldn't have tried to make you play along with my bullshit delusions when you had your own shit to deal with."
Bucky shot her another look. He'd forgotten she'd helped him the first time. Even if he'd helped her once after that, she'd returned the favor. Nothing about this felt clean. It never could, considering where she was likely headed and how things would end. "I forgot how to be any good at it, but I wanted to be friends," he said slowly. "So I just wanted you to know I'da never wanted you to do something for me that made you feel shitty, even if I liked it. That's all. Not for something like that."
Bucky turned his head to look at her, and then shifted closer, shoulder bumping very gently against her as they walked, then stepping back out of her space just as quickly. "I owe you a parachute, anyway. Should I try to get you coffee, too?" Because she was his friend to him, and she'd be in the Arena, and he'd be out. He'd be Steve's mentor, but that much he could try to do.
Fuck, he didn't know how he was going to do this, watch everyone go away. But Bucky would figure it out. He had to.