Bucky had been older than Natasha when he first went to the Capitol, and he'd already known what Avoxes were, in the way things trickled down half-understood to the Districts. But he hadn't really comprehended it, and he'd never seen them, so they'd drawn his eye all the time at first. He'd tried to thank them in quiet asides, throw them awkward smiles. He'd reached to try to help them serve a couple of times, early on, before Peggy and the rest of his team had coached him into the things you couldn't do.
Somewhere along the line he'd gotten used to it. Bucky could try to excuse it, but he didn't think there was much point. He'd gotten numb to a lot of things, and that was one of them. It said shitty things about him, but that wasn't that unexpected either.
Bucky looked at her again, brief and sidelong. He hadn't thought about it like that. That Tony might love the guy, like family or whatever else. It made sense, and he should have. Why else risk it, hide it, give someone without a voice a way to speak again? He just hadn't thought about it.
"I didn't think about it enough to underestimate him," Bucky admitted. "I knew he was smart, and he gave more of a shit than he let on. He took me on, watched out for me much as he could. So I knew that. But I didn't think about anything but just getting through, most of the time. What I was doing or needed to do to get by." Selfish or self centered, or just that Bucky was too fucked in the head to focus outside of himself, half the time. Whichever it was, he hadn't been looking.
Bucky shrugged, falling back into step with her. "But if I'd thought about it, I would have been underestimating him. Since secret talking Avox wouldn't have been something I ever guessed." Keeping secrets for someone you loved probably should be something Bucky understood. But it'd never been like that to him. He'd barely really admitted it or dwelt on it until it felt like it'd gotten pushed up and dragged out. It hadn't been a secret just ... his to keep.
"Maybe if we tell the A - Jarvis, he can get Tony to quit waving shit around when he talks. Next tea party, I'm tying his hands to his chair."
He fell quiet for a moment, just listening to the sound of their footfalls, not quite in sync. "I'm sorry about the books," Bucky offered, sudden and graceless. There wasn't any point in apologizing for not being able to go into an Arena and die for people who should get to live more. But that had been just them, and it had been his mistake. "I know it doesn't matter now, but I am. I wouldn't have kept talking about sh - stuff like that if I knew you just did it because of me and didn't like it."