FEBRUARY-MAY 1976: Cody is the best ever, period. FORMAT: Journal, no comments. WHO: Cody Hadlock. WHEN: February-May 1976. WHAT: Cody reminds me why I was stupid enough to take anthro.
FEBRUARY 26, 1976 two Have discovered a most interesting divide regarding my presence in the journals. I seem to have somehow inspired three distinct factions.
The first faction consists of those who are quite openly disturbed at being studied. A perfectly normal reaction, to be sure. It's a refreshingly human trait to be opposed to people delving into your secrets, especially when said delver is an unfamiliar figure. These people tend to react with open mistrust and perhaps even animosity, no doubt as an attempt to drive off the unwanted intrusion.
The second faction seems comprised mostly of people who are unsettled, like the first group, at being followed, but who're bound by their own sense of what is polite, a sense that will not allow them to be openly hostile. These people tend to respond with a cool aloofness, no doubt as an attempt to make themselves as uninteresting as possible in an attempt to fend off any potential interest. Of course, what isn't said is quite often more itneresting than what is said, which makes this group a particularly interesting study.
The third, and smallest faction are those people who welcome and perhaps even encourage the interest. They take an interest in the study and may, perhaps, even indulge their curiosity by asking about the findings.
The last group is the rarest but the most rewarding group to find because they recognize the true essence of knowledge. Perhaps the other groups, on some level, do understand that knowledge is, at the very least, a form of power, which explains their resistance. The third group, however, is blessed to recognize that knowledge is not simply power over another. It is power over ourselves. By seeking to understand others, we foster a greater understanding of ourselves.
And that, in essence, is why I study you.
FEBRUARY 29, 1976 three Thank you, Lee, for inviting me to the party. All things considered, I actually enjoyed myself. I ended up spending most of the time conversing with Lexy, though that seems to be what happens when you put two Ravenclaws together, especially two Ravenclaws who think too much.
[Private to Lee]
I look forward to seeing you again when you're back.
[/Lee]
I do believe that's the first real party I've been to. I don't even go to the dances when the school has them. It was... easier than I thought it would be. I don't know how much of a habit I'll make of going to them, but it's nice to know I can sort of function in a social situation.
MARCH 1, 1976 four I think I have a girlfriend.
[Lee] Are you my girlfriend? How does this work exactly? I think I'd like you to be, but I don't want to assume anything. [/Lee]
I hope I have a girlfriend as said girl is really very, very attractive and for some reason seems to find strange, quiet Ravenclaw boys attractive too.
Yeah. My brain's not doing so well with the whole intelligence thing lately. Silly girls and their being so pretty and smart and generally nice all around.
Anyway, simply because I'm feeling a bit weird about acting, well, human as you guys would put it lately, I'm going to be a bit inquisitive for a bit. The anthropologist might have gotten a sense of humor and even a snog or two lately, but I assure you, he's still alive and kicking.
Now, for those who'd be so inclined to oblige...
What sticks out in your mind about your first sexual experience?
MARCH 4, 1976 five A hello to all the new people who've joined. I might not have responded to your journals yet, but you can be safely assured that I'm reading every entry carefully.
Now, because I suspected Lee would want to see them, I owled my parents for childhood photos. The good thing about anthropologist parents is that they document virtually everything.
( Little Cody )
MARCH 7, 1976 six Some time back, my parents and I spent some time traveling with the Romany gypsies. Fascinating people. They originated from the Hindu Kush region of Kashmir and Afghanistan and began wandering more than a thousand years ago. Among many muggles, they still maintain a certain degree of wonder and controversy. You'd be amazed at some of their customs and traditions. Many of them are absolutely wonderful storytellers, musicians, and even fortune tellers, which Jolie might find fascinating. They even claim to have introduced Tarot reading to Europe in 1427.
I found some of my journals earlier from that time, where I'd recorded some of their traditions and customs of magic. I thought being that all of us, with the exception of Lee's sister, are magical, you might find this intriguing.
-According to Romany folklore, it is unlucky to present a married couple with the gift of a knife. It symbolizes that their love will be cut in two. The gift of scissors and any other cutting implements bodes misfortune as well. However, the recipient can counteract the impending doom by giving a coin to the person presenting the sharp object. -The first of a couple to fall asleep on the wedding night will be the first to die. -If a woman's hairpin falls out, someone is thinking of her. -If you hang an apple peel inside a door, the first person who enters will bear the same initial as your future partner. -Take an apple seed and give it the name of your lover. Place it in the embers of a fire. If it pops, the person loves you. If it burns silently, true love is absent. -If a courting Romany presented his neck-scarf to his girlfriend, and she wore in constantly, it was a sign that she loved him.
MARCH 10, 1976 seven My parents sent me a letter today. They seem endlessly amused by the idea of sending letters via owl. Last time into Diagon Alley, they even bought an owl for themselves and they're Muggles. They're amused by the word "muggle" too, though.
In between the usual asking of questions about anything and everything about Hogwarts, they've informed me that this summer I'll be living with them in Tibet. My mother's next work is going to be centered in that area, so they'll be moving there within the month. I assume that means I am to join them this summer. Tibet. It should be interesting.
[Private] For the first time ever, I find that I don't want to spend the summer doing anthropological work with them. And that... disturbs me, because I've always looked forward to it before. Why not this year? Lee.
I want to spend the summer with her, doing the normal things boys and girls do when they're dating. I want to spend an afternoon at the beach with her, buy her ice cream at Florean's, and maybe even watch television and pig out on snacks with her at her house. Tibet would sort of preclude all that. If I go with my parents, I'll spend the entire time helping them with their research, which means I won't have the time to do much other than owl her periodically.
My parents rely so much on my help. They handle it well themselves, but when I'm around, it's easier. They have less work to do and are in good moods all around, and honestly appreciate my work and take it very seriously. Plus, I rarely ever get to see them. The time I do spend with them is always amazing and fascinating and enlightening. I used to think I was never happier than when I was living in exotic places with them. But then I met Lee.
I don't like the thought of not spending the summer with her. I don't want the only time I talk to her to be through owls. And my parents will understand if I don't spend the summer with them and they certainly won't hold it against Lee, but... I feel like I should go spend the time with them, regardless. It's all very confusing and I don't like being confused. [/Private]
[Private to Lee] My parents want to meet you sometime. Don't be scared. They're nice people. [/Private to Lee]
MARCH 14, 1976 eight [Private] I've figured it out. I think I knew it all along, but all the pieces finally clicked together in my head. And, for the first time ever, I find myself wanting to say something. I find that I'm not content being an observer and letting things run their course. Some things are worth speaking up for and this is one of them, but... I can't.
It's almost like it's against my nature. I wonder if this is what being a coward is, not speaking when you know you should. The difficult thing is Maeve's involved too and even though I've never given her any reason to suspect I would ever open my mouth... she's a smart girl. And everyone's noticed how Lee's changed me, so I'm positive Maeve's got that in her mind. She did warn me to keep her mouth shut, didn't she? A month ago, she'd not have bothered to do that because me saying something wouldn't have been an issue. [/Private]
Some nights, I don't want to do anything but lie in my bed and think. Except maybe lie in my bed with my arm around Lee and think about how lucky I am to have met someone like her.
MARCH 18, 1976 nine I very rarely discuss hot button issues publicly, but I figured it was appropriate. Oh, and I figure everyone knows me well enough by now, but just on the offchance... I'm not going to judge anyone here. That's not what I do.
There are two sides to every story, is what we have to remember. It's easy to forget that, especially when people are getting very upset, very quickly. It's human nature to get defensive and angry about some things.
Prejudice is a funny thing, but the most intriguing part of it is people's conceptions of what prejudice is. I think even the smartest of people can misunderstand what it is, so I'm going to try to explain.
The first thing you need to accept is that everyone is prejudiced to some degree. Everyone. It's human nature to be biased. Bias develops in reaction to our lives and experiences. You can't live without developing a bias of some form.
A bias is not an entirely bad thing, in some cases, and it's not always harmful. For example, my experiences with people who take pleasure in causing others physical pain has not been positive so I'm biased against them to the extent where I tend to avoid contact with them whenever possible. In this case, my bias keeps me from experiencing something which would otherwise be unpleasant.
The problem with bias and prejudice comes with the degree, not the bias itself. When you use your bias to shut yourself off from an entire group of people without even attempting to understand them... when you use your bias to hurt the group you're biased against... when your bias hurts the people around you... that's when prejudice becomes a problem.
You can be prejudiced against anything. You can be prejudiced against a person, a group, a place, a religion, even a type of food. Anything.
There are acceptable ways of dealing with bias. Probably the most proactive - and the most difficult - way is to confront it head on. If you find your biases harming others, or the bias of others hurts you, sometimes taking on the bias can help, though it's often a painful process. By taking on, I don't mean starting fights that ultimately go nowhere, though that's generally what happens. By taking on, I mean accepting the differences, trying to work out just what the differences are and then finding some mutually beneficial way to work around them. You may not be able to eradicate the bias completely, but you can learn to manage it and wear it down over time. Very rarely are you ever going to be able to change a person's mind in one conversation, but you can plant the seeds. Patience, in this, is key.
It hurts me when I see people I care about giving in to prejudice or even having to deal with it themselves. It's an unfortunate part of life.
MARCH 19, 1976 ten The administration told my parents I was engaging in sexual activities with Lee. I'm not.
That was an interesting series of owls. My parents didn't really care, since we've always viewed sex as something very natural that happens between two people. It's not like billions of people haven't done it before. It was just almost sort of embarassing to have to explain to your mother about your sex life, especially since after I told her I was not sleeping with my girlfriend, she asked "Why not?"
I'd like to lose my virginity to Lee in the future, but when it happens, I'd like it to be something between me and her, not the administration and my parents.
MARCH 21, 1976 eleven I think Lee's father may hate me. At least her mother seems to think I'm alright.
Speaking of parents, my mother absolutely adores you, Lee. I wouldn't be surprised if my father got it into his head to write you sometime soon too. I told you they'd love you as much as I do.
I'll be spending the rest of the evening working on my book, if anyone needs me. I've neglected it far too much lately, and I really need to finish work on this section.
MARCH 23, 1976 twelve If I ever get married, I'm going to elope. Traditional has never been for me, and I don't suspect it ever will. Even somedays, here, in a world that should be anything but traditional, I feel myself often confined.
I like to travel. I like to see the world. I'd like to think that someday the woman I marry will want to see the world with me. It doesn't matter if we're like everyone else, with the perfect little house or the perfect little family. What matters is we'll be together. I want to take her around the world and show her all the beauty there is out there. I want to dance with her in the streets of Paris, make our own wine with her in Italy, sleep naked on the shores of a deserted island, or maybe even trek across the Sahara if we're feeling particularly brave. And I'd like to think she'd be open to all those possibilities and more.
But I do want to get married someday. I do want to wake up every morning of my life next to the same woman. I want to know that my future is irreversibly entwined with hers. I want to make her my world and hope that I'm at least a part of hers.
MARCH 27, 1976 thirteen This whole boyfriend thing is a bit new to me. I'm still trying to learn the ropes of it all, I have to admit. I've got the loving Lee part down, but I sometimes worry that I neglect the other parts. Do I not take her out enough? Do I say the right things?
I do think that I spend too little time getting to know her friends and I know what a big part of her life they are. So, time to change that. Hello Lee's friends.
MARCH 28, 1976 fourteen [Private] Oh God. What have I done?
I love Lee. God, I love her. I can't imagine my life without her, but Lexy... I've never felt that way about anyone. I don't know why I didn't see it before, but...
...shit. I don't even know what to say. Not even to myself. [/Private]
[Private to Lexy] Fuck. [/Lexy]
I'm a horrible person and I deserve everything everyone is saying about me.
MARCH 29, 1976 fifteen Okay. We know what we did was wrong. We know you don't want us here. So, we're going to honor your wishes.
We'll probably get in trouble for this, but right now I'm too concerned for Lexy's safety to care. I'm not going to let anyone hurt her as long as I can help it. We're taking off for a bit until this blows over. Not that I suspect it will, but I'm not letting her stay here when people might try to hurt her.
I'm sorry. I don't know how many times I can say it before it'll mean something. I don't know if it ever will. We'll be back, I just don't know when.
MARCH 30, 1976 sixteen [Private] I don't know what I want anymore. I know I'm such a silly git for doing this to Lee. I've never missed anyone so badly in my life. The very thought of living another day without her makes it hard to get up in the morning.
But on the other hand, everytime I look at Lexy's face, something in me whispers that it's worth it, that it's worth everything, even losing Lee.
I can't stand to see either of them sad. Lee's moving from angry to sad, which is understandable, but difficult all the same. Lexy's been unusually quiet and I'm wondering if even just holding her and telling her things will be okay is registering in her beautiful mind at all. [/Private]
I feel like getting very drunk.
MARCH 31, 1976 seventeen [Private]
Why am I still holding on like there's anything left to salvage?
Look at her, she's so happy off with her friends, without me. She can drink, run around naked, and shag who she wants. She's happy. I should want that for her, right?
I've no right to be jealous, I know that. But I can't help that it kills me to see her acting like she's forgotten me already. God knows I haven't forgotten her. Everytime I look at Lexy, I see her face too.
I should just move on too. I'm not doing either of us any good. If I was a real Ravenclaw, I'd have figured that out a while back.
[/Private]
[Private to Lexy]
I think I need to just move past all this. I can't take much more of this guilt.
[/Lexy]
The sky's surprisingly clear tonight. I can see it from the window of the room, but I think I might go take a walk, so I can think.
APRIL 2, 1976 eighteen I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel guilty and sad and frustrated and angry. I don't want to not know what I want because I'm too smart for this. I'm too perceptive. I'm supposed to understand things other people don't understand. I'm supposed to be the one who can see things clearly. I'm not supposed to be the one messing up.
It would be so much easier if I were the stupid asshole you all want to believe I really am.
APRIL 5, 1976 nineteen [Private]
I don't get it. I know she's not doing it to be mean. That's not who Lee is, but... does she have to hit on all these guys when things are still so confusing with us? We're not really together, so I can't really get mad, but it's just frustrating when one minute she's upset because I'm not with her and the next she's acting like she couldn't be happier to be single.
I hate being normal. It was so much easier when I was just uninvolved.
Maybe that's where I went wrong, getting involved. If I were a good anthropologist, I'd never have done it. I'd have been politely amused when Lee Mackenzie showed interest in me, then just observed neutrally when she moved on to the next fellow. She'd never have had to go through all this and neither would've I.
...but on the other hand, I'd have never fallen in love.
[/Private]
Jesus Christ.
APRIL 6, 1976 twenty I'm coming back today. So, if you've got plans to beat me/kill me/maim me/otherwise disfigure me, go ahead and get your weapons ready. You can probably ambush me around noon when I come back in.
Happy birthday Lee
twenty-one Fuck.
Fuck.
[Private] Oh my God. For once she was right. For once, Fran Quindley was actually right. [/Private]
[Private to Lexy] I don't.... love you anymore. It's like I woke up and it was just gone. Christ, tell me you feel the same way. [/Lexy]
[Private to Lee] I don't love her. [/Lee]
I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down and ruined.
I hope you enjoyed your sick little joke whoever you are. I hope you got a great big laugh out of it. I hope it made your life just the slightest bit better because you've just about completely ruined mine.
I think I'm going to be sick.
APRIL 26, 1976 twenty-two I gave serious consideration to never writing in this thing again.
So what have I been doing with myself? Nothing terribly interesting. Studying. Writing. Awkwardly spending time with Lee. Just about the same things I was always doing, I just wasn't writing about them.
I suppose I just... don't feel like sharing that much of myself any more. It's strange, really, since I've always considered myself an extremely open person. I don't really know that I believe in keeping secrets.
Maybe this is what growing up is.
MAY 10, 1976 twenty-three Speaking from personal experience...
As a general rule, in love, when someone is forced against their will to be with someone that they would not otherwise want to be in a romantic situation with, things do not end up well, for anyone.
The two aren't quite the same, but still. Dating and romance should always be consentual.
MAY 13, 1976 twenty-four Brutal honesty? Alright. It might be a nice change from holding my silence.
I'm still angry about the potion, maybe more than I ever told anyone. Typically, I prefer not to show my anger since I'm of the opinion that venting anger doesn't really do anyone much good and there are better ways to vent, but, yeah, I'm angry. I'm furious. They screwed with my mind and, far more importantly, screwed with the minds of people I cared about. They did it without me ever provoking them. They've been cowards and haven't come forward and even though I have my suspicions about who it was, I can't prove it. I just can't. They'll never come forward and I'll never be able to do anything about it, and meanwhile, things between me and Lee have never quite recovered. I can't even have a conversation with Lexy anymore without one or both of us becoming very uncomfortable. Three months ago, it wasn't like this.
Like Lexy, I sometimes wish I was a muggle. My parents are muggles. I like the muggle world. I like traveling around and living in different cultures. If I weren't here now, that's what I'd be doing. I'd be happy doing it too. When I think back on the whole potions ordeal and how much hell I went through and am still going through, I wish I'd never accepted a place here.
But when I look at Lee, no matter how awkward things get, that's reason enough for me to be happy that I'm here.
I want to marry Lee someday. At the risk of jinxing ourselves, I know we're strong enough to weather anything. And maybe, when we're both out of school, I'll just tell her one day that we're eloping and maybe she'll say yes. Or maybe we'll have a quiet ceremony for just family and friends. Maybe we'll have the gala to end all galas. How doesn't matter so much to me as the fact that this is the woman I love and this is the only woman I ever want to love. Not even the cruelest potion in the world could ever erase her from my heart and mind.
Sometimes I wish I was as normal as the rest of you. Sometimes I wish my interests were more along the lines of girls and quidditch and getting drunk on the weekends with my friends. I sometimes wish that people didn't see me as a little off, even though I guess I don't really care what they think.
I wish I had a cat. I think maybe I'll get one this summer.
MAY 17, 1976 twenty-five [Private from my roommates] ...I bet I don't seem so strange in comparison now, do I?
How is it as all possible that I ended up as relatively well-adjusted as I did?
MAY 26, 1976 twenty-six The depths of human cruelty never fail to amaze me. While we're all born innocent, over the years, paths diverge. Is it something in their nature that makes people evil, or is it the way they're raised? Is hate genetic or is it learned?
That might have to be my next subject of study.
Speaking of study, I've finished the rough draft of my first anthropological work. I've just owled a copy off to my parents for them to read and critique. They've got quite a bit of experience with anthropology texts and since this is my first work, I'll certainly be needing their input.