angelus (rosier) wrote in disorderic, @ 2017-12-06 11:06:00 |
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ANGELUS ROSIER: Goooood morning Quidditch fans — and Chelsea and Gwendolyn! I hope you’re all especially excited this morning! Why am I saying that, you wonder? Well, we here on The Pitch get to announce some very special news for you all. That’s right! Our producers received word only a hour ago from the Ministry and we, loyal viewers, are being given the honour of announcing it. BARNABY SNELL: [ with a nervous laugh ] Oh, did we? Funny, this is the first I’m hearing about it. AR: They didn’t shoot you a memo about it? Well, either way. It’s exciting times in the Quidditch and Magical Sport world because the Ministry has announced today that the position of Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports has been filled with none other than Mr. Lucius Malfoy, noted avid sports fan, business magnate, philanthropist, caring husband and doting father. BS: What? This better be a joke, Rosier. Why on Earth would Lucius Malfoy be promoted to— AR: I never joke, Barnaby, come on. Not with matters as important as Quidditch. Mr. Malfoy is actually standing outside right now, ready to come in and tell us more about his promotion and future plans for the Leagues he now oversees. Lucius, come on in! LUCIUS MALFOY: [ after the applause track ] Hello, Angelus. It’s wonderful to be back. I’ve hoped to have a chance to return, but I didn’t imagine it would be so soon. AR: We’re grateful you could take time out of your busy schedule, running a department and all, to meet with us. Barnaby is also thrilled, as you can see. BS: What the hell happened to Roderick Parkin? The Department was in shambles after Bagman took off to who knows where, but Parkin really turned things around! Did he die? LM: [ with a laugh ] Of course not, Mr. Snell. Roderick has done some [ slight pause ] fantastic things for the department and the League, but he's had a hell of a time managing everything lately. He felt like he was in sore need of a holiday. Can you really blame a man for retiring early and enjoying the weather in St Barthélemy? BS: Oh, sure. I really believe he’s on “holiday.” The same way Phelan Whelan is on holiday, right? LM: It's quite insensitive to call Mr. Phelan's convalescence a "holiday," Barnaby. We at the Ministry are all hoping for his speedy recovery. AR: [ jumping immediately following Lucius’s sentence ] Anyway, we’re not here to debate the former Heads of Ministry departments when we have the current, active Head in the flesh. Lucius, please enlighten us to some of the initiatives you’re going to take. BS: [ muttering under his breath ] More inferi, probably. LM: I don't believe in making drastic changes immediately. It would be unfair for everyone in the department, as well as everyone in the League, if I were to come in and throw out everything that has worked in the past, wouldn't it? That's why I strongly believe in continuity. The schedule will not change, the League will continue to receive the Ministry's full support, and we will remain avid fans of the sport. However, [ light chuckling ] I wouldn't be doing my job if I just assumed my position without acknowledging the faults of the current system. BS: Can you elaborate, Mr. Malfoy? Are purebloods going to be able to attend for free while the price of tickets for halfbloods doubles? Are there going to be dementors present at the games? Are you going to punish Quidditch players who speak out about the current administration? LM: I'm really not clear as to why you feel the need to express such hostility towards me or to assume such negative actions on my end. As the new head, I've taken an oath to [ brief pause ] promote Quidditch throughout the country and to safeguard everyone's access to all magical games and sports. And as a businessman myself, I understand that interfering with the League's regulation of ticket prices and the like would only hurt them. No, my initiatives fall more in line with the department's creed itself. The major fault, as it stands, is that Quidditch has been far too removed from its origins. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say — or had people tell me! — that they simply can't enjoy Quidditch anymore because of how politicized it's been. I simply hope to return the enthusiasm back to the sport. BS: [ flatly ] So you will be punishing players who express their opinions. Imagine that. LM: My goal is to foster excitement and entertainment for both the Quidditch players and the public. Punishment will never enter into the equation. AR: As you would if they supported the Ministry, Barnaby. Imagine that. I feel that you’re being incredibly dramatic here and showing your bias. Yes, you may not like Mr. Malfoy for some reason, but that doesn’t mean he’s inherently going to destroy the league. He understands, on a level you can’t, the macro-economic policies that need to be in place. Plus, he’s even stated he doesn’t plan on making drastic changes. Anyway, Mr. Malfoy, will we be seeing you at more matches? BS: Maybe in your Death Eater regalia? LM: I think anything but normal robes would stand out in the crowd, but attending games is entirely dependent on my schedule. I imagine being the head of a department will give me less free time than usual. However, my family and I do intend to attend at least one game during the holiday break. Draco is coming home and it wouldn't do to miss it. BS: The last three department heads of all been formidable Quidditch players in their own right. What makes you qualified for the position beyond your ties to You-Know-Who? LM: [ clearly annoyed ] Perhaps it was their inability to distance themselves from their playing days that made them unable to see beyond the problems they created. Conflicts of interest would do that. But if you require a head who has played Quidditch, I can point to the time I was on the Slytherin team. However, I'd like to think that I add much more to the department than just Quidditch expertise — it requires a business sense, a keen ability to understand trends, and conflict resolution skills. AR: Honestly, Barnaby, why do you think players make the best organizers on a large scale, or can manage other events -- like TriWizard tournaments, or the World Cup? As Mr. Malfoy has said, that’s nothing against their ability or love for the game, but the Department is much more than Quidditch knowledge, and you know that. That all said, Mr. Malfoy, are there any plans in your mind for other events or traditions you’d like to revive? LM: I haven't any at the moment, but I'll certainly take suggestions. AR: Please don’t make them as odd as Mari Lwyd. BS: [ irritably ] There’s nothing wrong with Mari Lwyd. It’s a beloved Welsh tradition. AR: That’s totally not what you’ve said on the network. LM: I'll leave that to the Welsh. BS: Well, Mr. Malfoy, I’d say it’s been a pleasure having you on the show with us today but it’s been the exact opposite of that! AR: [ sighing ] One of these days you’re going to have to learn to respect our guests. But nonetheless, it was a pleasure to have you, Mr. Malfoy. Deepest congratulations from both of us, and best of luck in your new position. LM: Don't worry, Angelus. I haven't been offended by it. As the new head, I also believe in constructive criticism and suggestions from the public. Even from Barney. I hope that after he's had some time to process the news, he'll have helpful things to say. But that's for another time. Thank you so much for welcoming me here today, and for announcing my appointment. As always, Angelus, you've put on a great show. BS: It’s actually Barnaby. LM: Isn't that what I said? My apologies if you heard wrong. It's been a pleasure, Angelus and Barnaby. |