lumos boot (lumbre) wrote in disorderic, @ 2018-03-03 20:00:00 |
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Entry tags: | lakshmi patil, lumos boot |
WHO: Lumos Boot & Lakshmi Patil.
WHAT: Lakshmi’s suspicious.
WHEN: April 2000 -- 5th year.
WHERE: Ravenclaw 5th Year Girl’s Dorm.
WARNINGS:
The first half of fifth year, despite the dire warnings of the Professors about OWLs, had gone by perfectly if you asked Lakshmi Patil. Boys, clubs, Quidditch matches — it was everything she’d expected and wanted. It was the second half of the year that started to get a little confusing, and only built up more so over time. At first it was easy to pass off her friend’s behavior on stress and emotions, and then her break-up with her boyfriend, Byron. But as time went on, regardless of what Lumos said and how well she may have passed things off, Lakshmi was getting increasingly worried as Lumos pulled away from everyone and everything. And increasingly suspicious of the actual reasoning. Certainly it could be said that Lakshmi was curious to know in a selfish way, but stronger still was the desire to make sure things were okay with her friend, who had increasingly withdrawn from everything it seemed and keeping them at two arms’ length away. When the rest of their dorm was busy studying for OWLs in the library one Saturday evening, Lakshmi knew that there would be several hours for her to speak to Lumos without interruption. That was how she found herself walking towards her friend’s bed, which had curtains drawn. “Lumos?” Lakshmi said, trying to sound as soothing as possible. “Lumos Boot that is,” she added, invoking an age old ‘joke’ they had in their dorm when it was apparent that sometimes it was difficult to tell whether someone was simply getting an extra bit of light or referencing their friend. “It’s just me.” There was silence for a very long moment as Lumos froze and considered feigning sleep. In the end, she reached for one of the voluminous jumpers she’d started donning and had abandoned behind her curtains because it was too stuffy and she was tired of feeling huge. Begrudgingly, Lumos tugged the jumper over her head, passed her hand over her curls, and, after a breath, pulled one of the curtains aside. “Hi, I’m really busy,” she said, but Lakshmi had caught her reading Witch Weekly so there was no lifting that up to prove she really was busy. “Is everything okay?” You tell me! was on the tip of her tongue, but Lakshmi managed to swallow it in the knick of time. She might have been fifteen with a mixture of emotions ranging from deep concern to annoyance in regards to the last few months, but she was at least aware enough to be delicate. “You look busy,” Lakshmi answered softly. Her eyes fell to the magazine, “The quiz that starts on page thirty is long.” She paused, and then tucked some stray locks of hair behind her ears nervously. Suddenly, she wasn’t so confident. “Can I sit?” “Okay,” Lumos said, slowly. She watched Lakshmi warily as she scooted over to make room for her — but also to leave plenty of room between the two of them, already trying to think of an excuse to leave. With the edge of the bed vacated, Lakshmi kicked off her shoes, and sat down letting her socked feet hang over the side. “I’m worried,” she announced, brow knitting. “About you,” added Lakshmi, as if that wasn’t readily obvious by the way she was observing her friend. “You don’t have to worry about me!” Lumos said with a laugh like it was silly to worry. “I’m fine!” She reached out and patted Lakshmi’s hand, giving her a tired smile. “OWLs are just stressful right now, but I’m fine.” There was a split second where Lakshmi wavered. Lumos seemed so sincere, and the last few months, odd as her behavior could be, was explained well enough. Plus, she knew that her suspicion of the cause might have been influenced by her sister-in-law’s pregnancy and birth of twins last month, but it also fit. But she mentally shook her head — she was worried. “Lumos,” she said, sounding sympathetic while also looking her friend in the eye. “I’m worried about you.” She looked down at her friend’s hand for a moment, and then gave it a gentle squeeze. “But I also think I know what’s going on.” “Because I just said what was going on,” Lumos said evenly, glancing down at their hands. Despite the urge to snatch her hand away, she gently slid her hand out of her friend’s and pulled the cuffs of her jumper down over both hands. “You don’t have to worry.” She paused, considering Lakshmi for a moment. “Are you okay?” “I know OWLs are stressful, but I don’t think that’s really what it is,” Lakshmi stated as she watched Lumos’s reactions intently. “And I’m going to worry because you’re my best friend.” She paused considering her words, chewing visibly on her lower lip which was a habit she was trying to break. “I’m okay, don’t worry about me. I’ve just noticed things the last few months. And I remember what happened in December.” She didn’t really want to come right out and say it. Something complicated filtered across Lumos’s features and she stared down at the cuffs of her jumper, panic drumming behind her ribcage while a fierce wave of longing washed over her. She wished she could go back to December. There were a million things she’d do differently. “I don’t really want to talk about December,” Lumos said, her words flat, “and I’m sorry, but I was actually about to take a nap so if you could…” She reached for the open curtain and fixed Lakshmi with an expectant look. “Are you pregnant?” Even as she said the words allowed Lakshmi felt as if she’d made an error. But the dismissal was yet another avoidance of what her friend could be worrying about. She slapped a hand over her mouth, and the other followed in turn on top of the first one, her eyes wide. The entire world tilted and Lumos sucked in a shallow breath, staring at Lakshmi for a long moment, her fingers clutching the curtain so tightly the curtain rod groaned above them. Too late, she started to laugh and laugh and if it sounded hysterical to her ears, she knew it had to sound the same to Lakshmi. Still laughing, she repeated Lakshmi’s question, “Am I pregnant?” She stumbled, just a little, over the word ‘pregnant’. The strained laughter rang in Lakshmi’s ears and in that instant everything was much heavier, much more real than it had been mere seconds ago where there was still a chance she was making a fool of herself while upsetting her friend for no reason. But it was true, wasn’t it? Lumos would be aghast and not laughing hysterically if she weren’t right. Slowly, she removed her hands from her mouth and left them hanging uselessly at her sides. “I’m here for you,” she whispered. A denial was still on the tip of her tongue — Lumos was laughing because it was ridiculous, not because she needed someone to be there for her. “I’m not —” she attempted to insist through her laughter, but it hit her just how badly she really did need someone. All at once, her laughs became sobs and she buried her face in the sleeves of her jumper. Lakshmi was left dumbfounded at the sudden shift, blinking and staring at her friend crying into her sweater as her mind struggled to process the momentousness that had occurred between them. Then, she shifted, pulling her legs up and walked on her knees until she was beside Lumos. She then sat on her heels, and pulled her friend’s crying form into a warm hug. For months, Lumos had held herself away from everyone and everything she loved. Lakshmi’s arms were a lifeline and she wrenched her own arms away from her face so she could fling them around her friend, clinging to her desperately as she wept into her shoulder. She tried to say something, to explain, but all that came out was nonsense and garbled apologies. “Shh,” Lakshmi soothed. There was no need for anything right now, not while the hot tears soaked into her own jumper. One hand gently rubbed up and down Lumos’ back while she waited for her to be able to speak. “You don’t have to say anything, okay?” So Lumos didn’t say anything more. She let all the tears she’d only dared cry alone since February spill into Lakshmi’s jumper until she had nothing left. And then, exhausted and spent, her arms went loose around her friend and she leaned on her heavily as she tried to catch her breath. “I’m sorry,” Lumos finally said in a thick whisper. “I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t even want to know.” Once Lumos pulled back, Lakshmi let herself exhale a breath to calm down herself as she shifted, sitting cross-legged on the bed only inches away. “Oh my Merlin! You don’t have to be sorry!” Lakshmi exclaimed, looking shocked that such a thing was happening. “I don’t — I can’t imagine what it was like keeping that in.” Lumos seemed to find some hidden store of energy because she reached for one of Lakshmi’s hands and clutched it tightly. “You can’t tell anyone. I can’t — I still don’t want anyone to know.” Glancing down at her hand in a tight grip, and then back up at Lumos, Lakshmi nodded. “Of course. Of course not, I mean, I won’t tell anyone.” “Not even B— not — not even Byron.” Lumos released her hold on Lakshmi’s hand, but the expression on her face was insistent, even so swollen from crying. “I won’t tell Byron!” insisted Lakshmi, her hand simply falling back into her lap. If there was one secret she was going to keep in her life it would be this one. “I swear on my magic I won’t tell a soul.” Lumos relaxed again and returned to catching her breath, a hand pressed to the middle of her chest. She felt empty in a way she hadn’t since she realized she wasn’t empty at all. It was a relief. But at the same time, it felt too good to be true. “You’re not mad at me?” Lumos asked tentatively. “Mad at you?” Lakshmi practically scoffed, eyes wide and incredulous. “I was worried—” she still was despite the use of past-tense “— and wanted to know if I could help.” “I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do to help me,” Lumos said quietly, letting her hand fall to her lap. “My shoulder is good for crying on!” Lumos breathed out a quiet laugh. “I’m sorry about your jumper.” She gestured at Lakshmi’s very damp shoulder with the overlong sleeve of her own jumper. Lakshmi smiled. She didn’t have to look. The damp had permeated her sweater and she could feel it very acutely. “It’s fine! It needed a wash anyway,” she said, letting out a little, strained laugh of her own. It felt good after those very tense moments to be able to manage even that. Lumos smiled back weakly, but it faded quickly. “I can’t believe I’m —” she started to say, sounding like she’d almost just realized it herself. But it was the first time she’d admitted it to anyone. Carefully, even though Lakshmi knew, she rearranged the sweater over her middle. Shaking her head slowly, Lakshmi surveyed the move Lumos made with her sweater. “It’s still setting in for me. I thought you might be but —” I’m sorry. Really sorry for putting you on the spot.” She adjusted herself then, uncrossing her legs and then pulling them up to rest her chin on her knees. “It’s fine,” Lumos murmured, looking up now. “I was, you know, hiding something.” “I do get why.” Lakshmi hesitated before asking, “Do you know what you’re going to do?” “No.” Lumos looked down again, as if maybe her stomach held the answers. “I’ve been waiting for something to come to me, but I just keep getting…more…you know.” Her lower lip wobbled and she pressed her lips into a firm line for a beat until it passed. Lakshmi’s reaction was to follow Lumos’s gaze to her stomach, but she averted it quickly and focused on the curtains for a moment. It seemed right, and she doubted Lumos needed her staring. “I know what you mean. I’m not sure what I’d do either.” She sucked in a breath and held it for a moment in concentration, but no epiphany came. “Maybe there’s a charm to help mask it? I mean, so you — we — have more time to think about it?” That seemed reasonable, Lakshmi thought, and better than suggesting she tell others so soon after this. “I don’t know,” Lumos admitted, lifting her eyes to Lakshmi again. “I don’t really want to cast any magic on it in case it hurts it.” “Right. That makes sense, sorry,” Lakshmi said with a slight nod. She wished any of the knowledge she had about her nieces and that pregnancy related here, but it didn’t because that wasn’t a secret. It wasn’t the same at all. Slowly, she splayed her hands out, palms up. “I wish I had better answers or something.” “It’s fine,” Lumos said, flashing her friend an uneasy smile. “I’ll think of something eventually. Thanks for, you know, everything, though. But, um, how did you know?” “I’ll try to think of things too.” It was the least Lakshmi could do. She looked down at her lap for a moment when Lumos asked that question, and then back up to capture her attention. “Well I didn’t for a long while, mostly I was just worried because you were pulling away so much, and even pulling out of things you really loved so I knew there had to be something, right? You were good at hiding it, though.” She took a breath, “But then the ‘stress eating’, and the baggy clothes… and I knew about December. And then because of my sister-in-law and the twins, so I was already thinking about kids a lot and what she was wearing and her behavior when I went home over Christmas… so it all started to fit, and it explained a lot.” But even then, she still hadn’t be certain until Lumos confirmed it. “Oh.” Lumos picked self-consciously at the hem of her jumper. She couldn’t help but feel a pang of grumpiness towards Lakshmi’s sister-in-law and her nieces, who had been exciting back in December, but had slowly become the bane of her existence over the months since. “That makes sense.” She twisted her mouth in thought before asking, “Do you think you’re the only who suspects?” “I think so,” Lakshmi acknowledged after thinking about it for a few seconds. “People have noticed you pulling away obviously, but they wouldn’t suspect this is the reason. At least, no one has mentioned it as a possibility that I’ve heard.” It was both Lakshmi’s closeness with Lumos, and a bit of timeliness with her own familial situation, that had lead her down this path. “Thank god,” Lumos said, her shoulders sinking with relief. Her face went slightly sheepish and she snuck a glance at Lakshmi. “I really have been studying for OWLs, though. That wasn’t a lie.” “We all have been,” Lakshmi pointed out, “I didn’t think you were lying about that. It’s just you were doing it alone rather than with all of us.” She really didn’t want to press that Lumos couldn’t hide this forever because surely she had to know that. “We could, you know, study for it together now. You must want company?” Even though Lakshmi knew her secret, Lumos still wasn’t sure she was ready to be around people. She definitely wasn’t ready for anyone to see the two of them stood next to one another and start comparing her body to Lakshmi’s. “Maybe!” she said instead of no, her smile tired again. “I kind of have a pretty strict timetable to follow.” While the concern was valid, it went right over Lakshmi’s head as to the reasoning. She wasn’t the one living with the overwhelming concern of people noticing changes in her body. “Oh,” she said, a little miffed at the lack of enthusiasm despite the smile. Still, this had been a stressful evening. “You? Never,” she joked, sharing a more earnest grin at the thought. Lumos gave a weak laugh, watching Lakshmi hesitantly. She was exhausted, especially after crying, but she didn’t want her best friend mad at her and, for the moment at least, she didn’t want her to go. “I’m taking a break now, though,” she said, reaching for her abandoned copy of Witch Weekly. “Do you want to take that quiz with me?” With a stronger smile, Lakshmi nodded moved so that she could rest against the headboard as well. “Sure, let’s do it.” |