WHO: Gawain Robards & Angelina Johnson WHAT: Hanging out with a machete golem! WHEN: January 13, afternoon WHERE: Tinworth WARNINGS: Large machetes
âUm,â was Angelinaâs very eloquent response to what she stepped outside and saw in front of Gawainâs new place. Sheâd just dropped of a new crinkle ball for Mittens and thought sheâd be going home from there, but, well, the universe had other plans.
A huge, hulking figure stood at the end of Gawainâs walkway, looming over a small child with a lollipop and glinting dangerously in what little sunlight the sky could manage. The huge, hulking figure was drawing two of its blades back and forth across each other because, of course, it was a huge, hulking figure comprised entirely of swords or knives or something. She couldnât really tell and didnât really care. All she knew was it was sharp and dangerous and getting closer and closer to the kid.
âHey, kid,â Angelina called out, drawing the attention of both the kid and the humanoid embodiment of the throne from Game of Thrones. She cleared her throat. âHappy Halloween! Go home.â The kid did not need telling twice, but that just meant the thing lumbered towards her. She drew her wand and with her other hand, beat on Gawainâs front door with her fist.
âIâm coming, Iâm coming,â Gawain called through the door as he arrived, completely unaware of the danger threatening the knocker on the reverse of the door. Of course, the former Auror was cautious, especially now, given all the Death Eaters had done and would do. Wand out, he cast a few diagnostic charms. One person outside. Not glamoured.
He opened the door and nearly got one of Angelinaâs frantic knocks to the arm for his trouble. âAnge—â
Gawainâs brows furled at the sight of the monstrosity scraping its way up his front walk leaving scrapes on the stones. âWhat in Merlinâs name?â
âI donât know,â Angelina answered, trying to sound calm and totally okay and failing miserably at both. âIt was just there when I came outside!â She had so many questions and somehow this was worse than the plants thatâd tried to eat her. That had at least made some kind of sense. This was just a pile of knives come to life.
âLetâs make it disappear then, shall we?â Gawain said, stepping past Angelina, down the two steps, and out onto the front walk. The lumbering golem didnât appear especially quick or agile, but then things could be deceiving. âFirst things first — keep a level head, even when dealing with something so absurd as a⌠golem made of swords.â He spared a glance over his shoulder to make sure his pupil wasnât going to pieces.
He brought his wand up and pointed it at the pile of blades. âWeâll keep our distance and figure out what works best.â
âRight. Okay.â Angelina wasnât going to pieces. She was freaked out, but she wasnât going to let this thing go after anyone else. She followed Gawain down the steps and moved several paces to his right, so if the golem got hungry it wouldnât eat them both in one bite. âI probably canât stun it, can I?â
The golem responded by throwing one of its machetes at Angelina. Years of dodging bludgers just helped her dodge it, but it whistled by her head and landed in a nearby tree with a thunk.
âThat seemed like a no!â
âMagical constructs canât be stunned as such,â Gawain stated after he was sure Angelina wasnât about to get impaled by a machete. Of all the stupid, absurd things heâd dealt with over the years this one was probably close to the pinnacle. âPhysical shields — nothing this thing is going to do is going to be magic based.â One of those blades would go through a Protego shield like a hot knife through butter. To that end, Gawainâs flick of a wrist brought his rubbish bin up to collect a second hurled machete that buried itself in the bin to itâs hilt.
The Auror took a few steps to the side, making a circular path away from the house and giving himself more open space to dodge attacks. âTry locking itâs legs or arms.â
Angelina pursed her lips, trying a leg locking curse that merely rebounded off one of its machetes and forced her to duck again. âRight, magic,â she muttered under her breath as she picked herself up off the ground. The golem seemed like it was about to throw a pair of machetes at her for her trouble so she felt like she had to think quickly. Arresting chains burst from the tip of her wand after a beat, wrapping around one of the golemâs machete legs.
Rather than chide her for her mistake, Gawain merely deflected the next tossed machete — sending it careening end over end away from them both before it banged off a carâs hood — while waiting to see how she handled it. The car alarm blared in the background.
âGood,â he complimented before his own chains wrapped around and arm and bound it around the golemâs middle.
All she could manage at the compliment was a grateful huff of air before she yanked hard at her chain, throwing all of her weight and strength behind it. The golem listed as one of its legs was pulled out from underneath it and fell — forward or backward, Angelina couldnât tell — with a clanging that rivaled the car alarm.
With a yank Gawainâs own chains tightened further while weaving around the second arm and pinning them. The golem made some inhuman growling that sounded like two knives sharpening against each other⌠which made sense given its âmouthâ was also machetes, and continued to struggle. âExcellent. Make sure the chains donât slack and then we can⌠well, Iâd say dissect this piece of magic, but itâs clearly only knives.â He sighed heavily, although it was lost under the thrashing of the golem and the wailing of the alarms. âFinite Incantatem at the chest, I believe. As a start.â
âFinite,â Angelina tried, her wand aimed right at the golemâs chest. But it continued to thrash and pull against the chains, tugging her forward a few steps before she managed to dig her heels in again. âCan we melt it?â
âCareful itâs — everything,â the Auror cautioned, having going to mention a particular piece of anatomy pointlessly. It was a rather large machete, though. He reached out and grabbed ahold of the chain-leash Angelina had on the golem with his free hand to keep her from getting pulled into range. âLetâs find out. Itâs doubtful whoever put this together imbued it against that.â
A violent swish, and a white hot flash from his wand had the machetes on one of the golemâs arms glowing violently red as they heated from the interior. Slowly, they lost shape, oozing into a puddle of metal on the ground.
Angelina pursed her lips at the hand holding onto her chain, but said nothing, taking a few steps back again to avoid what she now noticed was the golemâs massive machete dong. So it had fallen backwards. That was good to know. It would help with the inevitable sex nightmare she was going to have now. She dug her heels in again as its thrashing and growling intensified and followed Gawainâs lead, melting the golemâs unchained leg with a similar flash of magic.
Another flash, and most of the golemâs upper body oozed away. âBellatrix,â Gawain growled. âSheâs the only one stupid enough to make a golem out of machetes. Probably thinks itâs hilarious.â
âThe giant sword dick was probably all Graham,â Angelina said grumpily, aiming her wand higher along what was left of the golemâs body. âSomeoneâs overcompensating!â
Gawain let Angelina finish off melting their adversary while he watched her work with a nod of approval. âHeâs an imbecile,â Gawain agreed, referring to Montague. âGood work, Johnson.â That was when his attention was drawn down his street and another lumbering machete golem moving towards a group of muggles. âDoubtless Yaxley will let the DMLE respond — I hope you have a free afternoon. Itâs more dangerous to tangle with machete golems alone.â
Angelina groaned and drew the back of her hand over her sweaty forehead. âI guess at least we know how to stop them?â This was going to be a long day.