WHO: Jeremy Dearborn & Barnaby Snell. WHAT: Patronus practice leads to a revelation. WHEN: This evening, 7 January. WHERE: BGC flat.
“Ha!” Jeremy watched in awe as the silvery fox bounded its way around the room, fully corporeal for the first time. Despite trying, despite getting progressively closer, he hadn’t been sure that it would ever really amount to anything. He took a moment to get a good look at it, watching as it dazzled brightly near his head before finally letting it fade into nothingness with a short flick of his wand.
When he turned, his eyes were bright with excitement as he met Baz’s gaze, entirely unable to contain it over the success. “That was so cool,” he finally said with a large grin.
“You’re so cool.” Baz’s smile was vibrant, full of awe at Jeremy and his patronus. He held Jeremy’s gaze for a beat, feeling a mixture of pride and something else he didn’t want to name swell in his chest. Pushing himself off the wall, he walked over to where Jeremy was standing, his pace deliberately slow. “I knew you could do it, Jez. And I knew you’d get something cool, too.”
His hand found Jeremy’s, his thumb brushing along the other man’s palm. “A fox is fitting since you’re so foxy and all.”
“I’m super foxy, it’s true,” Jeremy agreed, still grinning like an idiot. What he’d just done felt big and significant and even though he doubted he’d be able to do it while facing down a dementor, he really didn’t care. He took Baz’s hand, entwining their fingers together while he tugged him closer, just a little.
“And it wasn’t a slug or a snail so I don’t have to die of embarrassment now.”
“I was going to break up with you if you were a slug,” was Baz’s solemn reply, though his tone was betrayed by the flash of amusement in his eyes. His free hand settled on Jeremy’s chest, his fingers splayed out against the fabric of his shirt. “So thanks for sparing me that heartbreak.”
“That would be grossly unfair, given I used memories of you. So I think if it were a slug, it’d be your fault somehow.” Jeremy’s cheeks coloured slightly at the admission but he wasn’t sure he cared about that either. He was still feeling pretty giddy over the whole thing.
For a moment, all Baz could do was stare at Jeremy in mute surprise. Then, smugly, “Of course you used memories of me. Why wouldn’t you?”
“Shut up,” Jeremy muttered with a roll of his eyes but his accompanying attempt to look solemn failed miserably due to his inability to remove the smile from his face. “Don’t get cocky. I just figured since it’s all about happiness and joy or whatever that using a memory that involves someone you love might make a difference since nothing else was working and…”
It took a moment for Jeremy’s brain to catch up with the words that were coming out of his mouth, the pace slowing down the more he realized what had slipped out. The giddiness from the success of the spell left him so fast he almost shivered, replaced with a moment of panic (but also maybe the tiniest spark of anticipation).
“And, um, obviously it worked so that was really cool,” he finished quickly. He looked down but their proximity didn’t leave him a lot of options.
“Oh,” Baz breathed, staring at Jeremy with wide eyes. He was frozen in place, completely motionless as the words sunk in. Someone you love. Nervous laughter hitched in his chest, catching on a sharper emotion that seared up his throat. “That’s — I mean, yeah, that is really cool.”
He took a step back, letting his hands drop to his side as he looked at Jeremy. He set his shoulders tightly and said, “I’m really happy for you, man.”
“Sure,” Jeremy replied as he took a couple of steps back himself, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. His first inclination was to start rambling, to talk as if he hadn’t accidentally said the thing he’d been trying so hard not to say for weeks, to pretend that it had never happened at all. But as he looked at Baz, he didn’t think that would work very well. It’d already registered.
He tried to remind himself that he’d expected this but it didn’t completely negate the dejection he felt in the pit of his stomach.
“You’re freaking out, aren’t you.” It wasn’t really a question.
“No,” Baz said, with a rapidly deepening frown. But profound discomfort was beginning to settle over him, and he wanted to put some distance between them so he could — process. He just needed time to process everything. “I know you think I am but I promise everything’s all good, Jeremy. I just—” He paused with an uncertain shrug. “I don’t know. It’s fine, though, don’t worry.”
“It can’t—” Jeremy stopped, his voice catching in his throat as he raked an anxious hand through his hair. “It can’t be that much of a surprise.”
Baz breathed in deeply as he perched on the edge of the sofa. “It kind of is, yeah. I can’t — I don’t know why you’d —” He shot Jeremy a look of confusion and disbelief before he shrugged again. “Anyway, it’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it.”
Jeremy opened his mouth to reply but closed it again when he realised he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to ask him to finish his thought. He wanted to insist they talk about it. He wanted Baz to stop looking at him like he’d just said something awful instead of a variation of I love you.
He wanted him to say it back.
But Jeremy also knew better. “Okay,” he said finally, his voice sounding strained. “Just forget it anyway. It’s — I didn’t mean to. It doesn’t have to be a thing.”
“Okay.” Baz carded his fingers through his hair as he looked down at the floor. He didn’t know what to do or say, and a small, fierce ache gathered in his chest. “I’m sorry, Jez. I just need time.”
“Sure. I mean that’s fine, obviously. It’s fine. You don’t need to apologise.” But there was a panicked feeling in his chest that worried that it wouldn’t really be fine. Watching Baz, Jeremy wasn’t at all reassured.
He tried to offer up a smile but it didn’t take. “Should I leave?” he asked after a moment. He knew the answer was probably yes, but he just wanted some glimmer of reassurance that he hadn’t just fucked everything up.
“No,” Baz blurted out, though a moment later he found himself reconsidering. “Maybe? It’s not that you did anything wrong. I don’t want you to feel that way. It’s just me.”
It occurred to him that he needed to talk to someone about this, but he didn’t know who he could bring it up with. Nora had just spent a day with a Death Eater in her home. Gwen and Chelsea had sent their young siblings back to a school that was torturing them. His inability to deal with what he felt was so small and inconsequential in comparison. He would have to deal with this on his own.
“What do you want to do?” he asked, thoughtfully biting his lower lip.
Jeremy was silent for a long moment, until finally the tightness in his chest was too overwhelming for him to stand still any longer. “I’m going to go,” he said quietly as he grabbed his coat with a quick accio. A walk suddenly felt very, very necessary.
Barnaby might’ve needed time, but Jeremy needed distance to remind himself that he’d expected this. It just hadn’t been what he wanted.
Still, he hesitated for a moment as he looked at Baz, feeling stupid and vulnerable and knowing that far more of it showed on his face than he wanted. “We’re — I mean — we’re okay though, right?”
Baz gave Jeremy what he hoped was a reassuring smile, though it didn’t quite meet his eyes. “‘Course we’re okay, Jez. Don’t worry.”
It didn’t make him stop worrying in the least but Jeremy tried to offer a smile again. It still didn’t take. He wanted to reach out and squeeze Baz’s hand, a comforting gesture, something. But he didn’t dare. Finally he just said “okay” before heading out the door, taking all of a few steps towards the street before the blast of cold air and the weight of the conversation slammed into him so hard it made his eyes burn.