WHO: Renju, Kozue. WHAT: A Christmas visit. WHEN: Christmas (making this severely backdated, yes). WHERE: Renju's dorm. WHY: Kozue offered, after all.
On Christmas Eve, there was a buzz of activity in the girl's dorm, but most of it was centered outwards--on people going out, headed for dates, heading to the bathroom to get ready; people who were staying in didn't move, but a great many residents were leaving. And slowly, over the advancement of the evening, they left. Kozue herself had been trying to help a friend with makeup in her room, and in the process had managed to get her nails done (and why not?) and had some new beauty products tried out on her. But now her friend was off at a dinner date somewhere, probably nervously wiping off all of that painstakingly applied makeup, and Kozue was alone. (Kiriko had left ages ago, it seemed, for Reizo's.)
She had snacks in hand--cake obviously, and candy and peppermints--and something in the way of festivity, when she knocked on Renju's door. Really, the streamers were a stubborn attempt at bringing light-heartedness to her friend. Renju deserved to take things less seriously now and again, and if party poppers and streamers and cake couldn't help her, what could? Kozue had fastidiously avoided glitter, though, attaching a series of not-so-fond memories to it.
On the other side of the door, there was not nearly so much activity, at least outwardly. Renju had her nose in a book, as usual, seemingly having given no more attention to the thought of Christmas beyond that brief conversation with Kozue. She hadn't forgotten the outcome of it, though, and there was a hint of nervousness she wouldn't quite yet allow herself to admit. She hadn't let anyone into her room since shortly after Paradise; doing so was too personal a gesture for her level of acquaintance with just about anyone on the team, with the possible exception of the person now at the door.
Her fingers clenched slightly around the book as she heard the knock, but she set it down with a long breath and opened it a crack. She spared a glance for the food, but even she had a vague sense that it was something of an excuse. Still, why? "Come in," she said, too nervous to smile, opening the door wider.
The younger girl smiled, and, with the invitation, the whirlwind of holiday goods that was Kondo was whipping into Renju's room. She'd never, she realized, actually seen where her upperclassman friend lived. Did she have a roommate? Was it neat--she imagined it had to be. Was it stylish? Full of books? Dark and cavelike? Oh, the possibilities! "People usually say you should make your own cakes and things for Christmas, but, well, I'm a mediocre cook and I couldn't bribe Ito-sempai into doing it for me." She laughed. "So, voila, store-bought delicacies!" She brandished the item--it really did look like a delicacy, covered in icing and little fruit-like things.
The room was indeed neat--not as painfully austere as it had been with her Shadow inhabiting it, of course, but everything was in its proper place. A few manga were on the bookshelves, kept away from the textbooks and curious assortment of informational texts but not hidden as they'd once been. And Renju, as plain as her room, was standing in the middle of it, still paying rather more attention to her visitor than the sugary things she'd brought and still at a total loss about what to do in this situation. "Er, thank you." There was, at least, certainly plenty of space to put them.
"And I brought peppermints," Kozue added, trying to fill the silence and Renju's obvious uncertainty. "And some decorations. I think we all need--really, I think you deserve to feel festive for a little bit, given how things have been going in the last couple months." Most of this year, in fact. And if New Years was an important event, well, it was serious; this was a chance for feel-good frivolity for everyone, and why shouldn't they join in, too?
The idea of feeling 'festive' was something Renju had to admit felt rather foreign to her. She looked at the streamers with some skepticism. Still, she could at least appreciate the sentiment. "I suppose you're right..." She regarded the room as a whole with a frown. "But I'm not sure where they could go."
"The.... window?" Kozue suggested, with some hesitance, peering around. "Or across the door, or I guess we could hang them from the ceiling." She looked upwards, and then back down at Renju with an appraising sort of eye. "I mean, we could reach the ceiling if we stood on each other's shoulders, maybe." A pause. "Maybe."
"I have a chair," Renju said with perhaps a little more speed and firmness than she'd intended. There was still more temptation there than she would entirely like to admit. "That should be enough of a boost." Maybe. If not, well, it ought to at least be enough to reach the top of the door, and that should be enough.
"... Or that. That could also work." She did give the chair a momentary dubious glance; would it be tall enough? "I think it would probably be more stylish on the window, anyway. I'm not sure I could make it hang all that well from the ceiling. And it might get in my hair, and, well, all kinds of things." She juggled things, slightly, to get a better grip on the streamers. "Where should I put the cake? And the candy? I don't want to just drop it, all your things are so organized. I don't want to barge in and make a mess." Which was usually something Kozue said when she didn't mean it (or didn't even bother saying to some boys). But for the moment, she did mean it; she would feel badly if she cluttered Renju's careful room unnecessarily.
Renju had no intention of eating most of the various sweets, but she took as much of it as she reasonably could off Kozue's hands nonetheless and set it on the (fairly abundant) free space on her desk. "Here is fine." It was an odd bit of color in the room, not unlike Kozue herself. She glanced at the window in question, its shade drawn as it often was, and decided that maybe it could use a little color after all.
"Do you have tape? I didn't, um, bring anything tacky." She had dispatched the candy and baked goods, and was now holding only the decorations. Why hadn't she remembered tape? That seemed important. But. Oh well, Renju was the kind of person who was always prepared, and if not, she was smart enough to jury rig it somehow, right?
"Tape?" Renju's expression blanked momentarily. Did she have... why would she ever need it? Distracted momentarily, she started digging through her drawers, looking for something that could at least serve that function. Did she have anything sticky in the room?
She'd never had posters or anything of the sort... Not for the first time, she found herself wishing for Tom's bag. It took her a good couple of minutes of thorough searching to dig up a small roll of tape in the corner of a drawer that she vaguely recalled using to fix her glasses once and then promptly forgetting about.
"Aha!" Kozue had looked rather glum, but with the appearance of the tape her whole aspect brightened slightly. "There we go! See, now, if we just get it up there...." She swept her hand broadly. "Christmasier already."
Skeptical though Renju still was about the whole affair, she gamely dragged the chair over to the window and hopped onto it. To her chagrin, she noted that it would not in fact have been tall enough to get her or Kozue to the ceiling, but it was enough to reach the top of the window easily enough. "Hand me the streamers." She might as well get it out of the way.
Kozue did so, with some careful arrangement so that the crepe paper didn't rip. "Here," she said, sidling closer to hand it up to Renju.
There were a few shaky moments with the chair; trying to juggle tape and crepe while on a less-than-stable perch was not one of Renju's strong suits. The resulting bit of streamer hanging around the top and sides of the window could perhaps only be described as "festive" with some stretching of the word, but it was at least a little bit of added color. Renju frowned at it; it seemed a poor fit for the place. But these things, she supposed, needed to be taken a step at a time.
Kozue was regarding it rather dubiously herself. These things always looked better in pictures--but there was time to improve, she supposed, and it didn't really matter all that much, because the real point was the sharing of snacks. (And the spending of Christmas but that was a point she had been ignoring quite broadly all day, through several declined invitations to a more salacious sort of evening activity.) "See? That's---- from what I've been told, sort of the whole point of the Christmas spirit is decorating and eating and getting stuff." She nodded sagely. "That's how they do it in America, apparently. So this is right on track." She grabbed a pair of the candies and passed one to Renju in an offering gesture that seemed unlikely to hold with any refusal, took one for herself, and kept talking. "So there's really nobody you wanted to ask out or spend Christmas with?" Pry, pry, pry.
The gesture was difficult to refuse, and Renju fiddled with the candy after settling into the chair she'd just vacated. Listening to Kozue talk was fine--she'd done it enough before, didn't mind it, and wasn't exactly much of a talker herself--but then that question got sprung on her again, and somehow, it was rather more difficult to brush it off here and now than it had been in a discussion online. "No." Strictly true, but not enough to avoid a slight flush. "I'm not interested in dating."
"That's not the same thing as dating, precisely," Kozue countered, popping the candy into her mouth. She chewed, thoughtfully, while she tread imaginatively into wondering whether Renju saw it that way--or what Renju's type was--or who she would have wanted to spend Christmas with in a less-than-dating sense, or why she was blushing. That last one, actually, was intriguing. So Kozue ended up watching Renju with a thoughtful, only slightly prying expression, waiting for the other girl's response.
"Asking somebody out is similar enough." This was a point she was not about to budge on, it seemed--not yet, anyway. The candy wrapper crinkled between her fingers; it seemed that playing with her food was a habit she hadn't quite managed to get rid of yet. She had a sinking feeling that Kozue wasn't about to give up this line of questioning.
"No, it's more of a risk--and a rush. Dating gets boring." Kozue shrugged; that was, from where she sat, the truth of it. "At least, I get bored. I guess there are people out there who don't." She declared it straightforward, almost with a sense of pride; that was just who she was, and if she got bored of dating the same person, maybe it wasn't really something wrong with her. It could, would, be a positive thing. "But I wasn't really interested in it this year, either. Maybe you're on to something," she suggested with a laugh.
Renju had, truthfully, never thought of it in quite that way. True, she hadn't thought about it much at all, but even then she had a feeling that even if she had, that was one path her thoughts on the matter were unlikely to follow. "We have had other things to worry about," she pointed out; regardless of whatever personal development may have occurred, that was almost certainly a factor.
"That's never stopped me before now," Kozue posited. "Well, not stopped me for long." When she'd gone into Paradise, when Mikio had died, all those times... And even now, when things were truly becoming frightening, it didn't feel as though she wasn't dating because she had to focus on other things. Not really.
"I see." Renju wasn't the sort to nose into matters like this, and didn't have much to say; she filled what would have been a brief but awkward pause with more wrapper-crinkling before it finally occurred to her to ask a question that was at least tangentially related and that had been quietly nagging at her since this whole conversation started. "Is that why you're here tonight?"
"I-- No, I'm here tonight because I wanted you to have fun, and have someone to spend the evening with. No other options really appealed as much," she admitted, crossing her hands in her lap and thinking a bit. She reached out for another candy.
"Ah. Well. Thank you." Renju wasn't entirely sure how to feel, being ranked above potential date prospects. Granted, Kozue had just admitted that she hadn't been as interested in dating lately--certainly that was all there was to it, a desire to spend time with a friend. Though even that was flattering in its own way, and enough to earn a faint blush. In a poor attempt to hide it, she unwrapped the candy and popped it into her mouth, trying to let her hair hide her face during the motion.
"You don't have to feel embarrassed, really. I mean it." Kozue shook her head; she was good at reading people, and Renju had been blushing on and off all evening. And ducking your head down was a classic sign. Especially for girls with dark, covering hair like Renju's. "You're more interesting and fun than the brainless wonders I date, mostly, anyway."
That was enough to get Renju to lift her head again in sheer puzzlement. She choked down the candy, hiding a grimace at the concentrated sweetness. "You really think so?" She couldn't help but sound a bit suspicious, given that the only times she'd heard her name, "interesting", and/or "fun" in the same sentence also involved a negative somewhere. It certainly wasn't part of her self-image.
“I really think so. I don’t lie--well, okay, I don’t lie a lot.” She paused. “Frequently. To people I like.” Upon deeper examination, this, too, would have been proven false. And was Renju “fun”, in the strictest sense of the word? No, she didn’t giggle like Seiko did, and no, she didn’t party, but she was interesting.
The qualifications weren’t exactly reassuring, but it was enough, at any rate, to put Renju a little more at ease. At least, in that specific regard, anyway. She ducked her head and rubbed the back of her neck a bit nervously. “That’s... good to know.” She was starting to be at a bit of a loss for what to say. Even after spending more time around Kozue, she was still no good at this sort of conversation.
Kozue tipped her head slightly, considering Renju for a moment. The nerves, those were a part of her--naturally, maybe, Kozue wasn’t sure. She had always thought that she understood people, but now, she was coming to a place where she realized how little of a real person you saw, every day; there were so many fascinating layers. Renju could be nervously rubbing her neck, and also be that chill, controlling, powerful other self. How strange. But her thoughts were drifting away from her; she reached for another piece of candy, and cleared her throat. “Why did you agree to let me come?”
“What?” The question startled her, more than she cared to admit. She hadn’t expected to be asked, not only because she felt a sudden shift in who was in control of the conversation, but also because she’d figured that if Kozue still cared about the matter, she’d have said something long before now. Granted, maybe she was misjudging. But judging from Kozue’s tone, she doubted it.
But what should she say? ‘I enjoy your company’ was true but a complete cop-out. Anything else was--no. No more running, no more hiding. “I... because you’re a friend.” She swallowed, hard, and forced herself to look up at Kozue. No more hiding. “But besides that, I’m also... I’m still interested in you.” She said it. She actually came out and said it. “That hasn’t changed. I’ve tried to keep myself from considering it since we spoke about it, but I can’t keep hiding from my feelings. I need to at least acknowledge it.” That hadn’t been her intention, true, but this was as good an opportunity as any. She felt as though a weight was off her shoulders.
“Doesn’t that make this, at least kind of a little bit, sort of a Christmas date?” Kozue suggested it, at first pensive, maybe even half to herself, but what had this been, if not? She could wax philosophical, she supposed--we’re better when we don’t hide from ourselves, or something about honesty, things she had been considering, or things that had just meandered into her thoughts for the first time, but that would be distracting, unfair to Renju’s admission. They were talking about themselves, not Paradise. What did justice to Renju’s admission was fairness, the honesty that Kozue had just a few moments ago laid shaky claim to. “And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”
For a good several seconds, Renju was stunned into silence. Given how their last conversation on the matter had gone--a few awkward comments, dancing around the matter, and finally agreeing tacitly not to bring it up again--she’d expected something similar to come of this. It wasn’t as if Kozue’s opinion of her, or her preferences, had magically changed since then.
Then again, they both had changed since then, hadn’t they?
“I... I suppose, by a certain definition,” she finally managed, adjusting her glasses. At this point, she wasn’t even attempting to hide being flustered. “But calling it that simply because... that is...” She swallowed. “I didn’t think you were interested.”
Kozue leaned forward, watching Renju, thinking about... really, she was not sure, for her mind was wiggling in all different directions so quickly that it was hard to follow, and her heartbeat and blood matching its pace. “I don’t think I was then, either. I... I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want.” About the fact that she was entitled to things she wanted––to try new things and to make up her mind about what she wanted, not just sit back and let other people tell her what to want and what to do. “And I’ve changed my mind about a lot of things.”
“I... see.” She didn’t, not entirely, but enough to begin accepting that maybe, just maybe, there might be something to all this. “Then...” She took a long breath, squared her shoulders, nodded sharply. She hadn’t felt her heart beat this fast outside Paradise, and even then it was rare. “We’ll consider this a date.”
She didn’t exactly feel a weight off her shoulders by speaking the words, but it definitely felt as though something was different here. It had left her at something of a loss for words, though. She didn’t exactly have a good idea of what this whole “dating” business entailed, and doubtless Kozue would take the lead now that they were her territory. (It wasn’t long ago that she wasn’t entirely sure she’d be able to say that. Things had indeed changed.)
If there was one thing that Kozue was a pro at, it was the “dating” business. Well, that, and its many and varied accompanying businesses, but they weren’t talking about that right now, okay? But she smiled––more nervously than she thought she probably had right or reason to be, and laughed a little. “It’s on Christmas, that’s definitely a serious date night.” She leaned closer, and then with very little provocation––none, in fact, but Renju had observed keenly that Kozue would take control in the area that she was so familiar with––hopped from the chair she’d been perching on, over to the bed where Renju was sitting.
Caught up in her own thoughts, Renju nearly jumped when she felt the bed shift under her. Aside from the occasional friendly moment (and tending to Kozue in Paradise, but that was another matter entirely, with a completely different context, she insisted firmly), this was the closest she’d been to anyone since... well, since Keiichi had spontaneously hugged her all those months ago. The reflexive clawing panic she’d felt then was muted now, a mere remnant of the crippling avoidance of attachment that had helped send her into Paradise, now overwhelmed by a very different feeling, one that she had never let herself become familiar with.
Her fingers twitched once, sharply, then she moved her hand onto Kozue’s.
Her hand? That was… actually, Kozue warred with herself on that one for a moment, because on the one hand, her hand, what, were they twelve? Certainly, that was how the old Kozue would have viewed it, and wondered and suspected if it was because there was something wrong with her, or because there was something wrong with Renju, but at the same time? It was sweet, because she hardly remembered a time when Renju had made any contact with her, of the physical sort. And because, well, … it struck her as sweet. Sweet, but very small, and so Kozue smiled and edged closer and just did what she did best.
Which was, no, not that, no. Just a kiss. Brief, necessitating suddenly being very close to Renju, and far more nerve-wracking than any kiss had right to be.
It happened before Renju’s brain had fully registered it.
And, despite herself, she froze. Even the first touch left her dizzy, sick, hot, tense, confused and excited all at once. Her head spun, and somewhere in all of this she was vaguely aware that her grip on Kozue’s hand had tightened just a bit more than was perhaps comfortable. Even calling this a “date” hadn’t necessarily made it so; words were words, after all. This--this, that she had never before done, never expected, never really even allowed herself to think about--as simple as it was, was visceral enough to bring the whole thing so much closer to reality.
Slowly, her head began to clear. She felt... warm, and pleasantly shivery in a way she’d never experienced before. Hesitantly, clumsily, she leaned in just a little.
“See, definitely a date.”
Kozue felt a sense of vindication: she had been right. It was something she decided she was going to get used to.