InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "a friendly weldome"

Yamada Kai [山田海] (the_nadeshiko) wrote in disappear_rpg,
@ 2011-01-26 20:53:00

Entry tags:

hamasaki, kai

Who: Kai and Guidance Counselor
What: Counseling sob
Where: School office
When: Sometime during the school day, post Yoshidungeon
Why: It's mandatory, you wuss.

Kai fidgeted in the uncomfortable office chair. He wasn't thrilled to go to guidance; not just because he had no desire to discuss "my plans for the future (because at the moment they didn't extend beyond 'don't die')," but because his grades had tanked shortly before his Shadow had emerged and he still wasn't trying to bring them up. He figured the counselor would notice that.

Taking a deep breath, he waited to be called.

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	disappear_npc 2011-01-27 03:09 am UTC (link)
	Once Kai was seated in the counselor's office, Hamasaki turned to his printout. Unfortunately, the first topic to come up... "It seems your grades have taken a dip." He spoke with some small measure of surprise, adjusting his glasses and looking closer at the sheet before he lifted his head to look at Kai. "Have you been having some kind of trouble recently?" (Reply to this) (Thread)

the_nadeshiko
2011-01-27 09:06 pm UTC (link)

...Oh damn it.

"Um..." What to say? To be honest, he still didn't know why he was acting like this himself. Going through Paradise was supposed to bring you clarity and resolution, right? It was supposed to change you.

So why did he still feel as muddled as ever?

"...I've felt a lot of stress about my future recently, yeah. I got into some trouble in early December with my family and it made me think." And then, something he'd been afraid to admit out loud for months: "I'm really scared I won't have enough time to do what I really want." Vague, but he couldn't say 'I'm still afraid that I won't live to see graduation, but I'm getting better at not repressing it.'

He shrugged. "And when I start thinking about that, schoolwork just seems so unimportant."

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	disappear_npc 2011-01-28 04:59 am UTC (link)
	"Time...?" Hamasaki responded, puzzled. His brow knit and unknit and he drew a conclusion. "Has there been a death in the family, Yamada-san?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

the_nadeshiko
2011-01-29 12:29 am UTC (link)

"O-oh, no!" He'd worded that pretty vaguely, hadn't he? "Um, my father's just been really insistent that I decide what I'm doing with my life recently, and it made me worry. Because outside of, like, never stop sewing, I don't know. I was entertaining the thought of fashion school for awhile, because I like design? But my dad doesn't really like that answer, because it isn't practical."

He frowned. That was all true. "...But I don't want to do anything else, either. And life goes so fast, why waste time doing something I don't love?"

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	disappear_npc 2011-02-04 10:34 pm UTC (link)
	"Will doing something you love bring you money and the security you need?" Hamasaki pressed his fingertips together. "I am sure your father only wants what is best for you, doing what you want and managing to live are not always the same thing. I am sure he just is trying to be sure his son will manage to exist comfortably." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

the_nadeshiko
2011-02-04 10:46 pm UTC (link)

Kai bit his lip. No, it probably wouldn't, but doing what he loved would keep him sane while trying to prevent the end of the world.

"Yeah, you're right," he said rather testily.

His grades weren't the problem. Fatalism, isolation, dread - those were his real issues. But it wasn't like he could say that without going into why, and...well he couldn't tell exactly why!

"I want to go home," he said before he could proccess what he was saying. "To Okinawa."

He closed his eyes, picturing blue butterflies inside lanterns and bingata kimonos and yellow eyes. "The real one," he murmured.

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	disappear_npc 2011-02-04 10:54 pm UTC (link)
	Hamasaki tilted his head and a slight crease appeared between his eyes. "I was not aware there was a fake Okinawa." "Are you not making friends here? Is that why you wish to go home? Or perhaps it is that Okinawa is familiar and safe feeling?" He shuffled the papers on his desk. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

the_nadeshiko
2011-02-04 11:08 pm UTC (link)

"Oh, uh -!" He'd said that out loud.

"Yeah, pretty much. Since I moved here, everything has been so strange. I've made friends, and it's nice enough, but there's no place like home." But really, the fake-Okinawa hadn't been preferable to Hokkaido. It was, in essence, a prison, or an elaborate monument to the impending death he'd believed in since he'd joined. The death he was, however slowly, learning to forget in order to embrace life.

"And I'm kinda...just here now. I don't really want to move forward or backward. I feel stuck. ...So that's why I haven't really been trying in school."

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	disappear_npc 2011-02-04 11:12 pm UTC (link)
	"These friends, are any of them particularly close or that you've bonded with?" If Hamasaki was still pondering the whole 'fake Okinawa' thing it didn't show, he merely watched Kai impassively. "Do you not want to move because you are afraid of what might happen to you? What is it you fear Yamada-san?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

the_nadeshiko
2011-03-03 02:06 am UTC (link)

"Yes!" Kouki, of course. Seiko. Toru. Misaki. And even if he wasn't personally close with other teammates, he could honestly say now he'd give his life for any of them. It was the least he could do.

"I'm..." What was he afraid of? The obvious - dying, leaving home, fighting, and life after high school. Why couldn't it ever be tangible things? You could cure a fear of spiders easier than you could a fear of death.

He swallowed. "I'm afraid to change. I don't know what's going to happen after this - school and all."

And, lurking under his tongue, threatening to spill out if he spoke again, was the other fear: I'm afraid to care about them only for them to die, too. That was a new feeling.

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	disappear_npc 2011-03-08 01:46 am UTC (link)
	"Ah yes, change is a very scary thing, as is the future sometimes it is easier to stay still and safe than move on." His tone was neutral, and his gaze remained on the table. "Do you have any plans at all for your future? Something you want to do, or a subject you like? Or have you considered where you will live?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

the_nadeshiko
2011-03-08 11:01 pm UTC (link)

"Yeah..."

"Well, I'm thinking about going back home after I graduate here. Maybe try to get into a university in Naha. That's all I have for the moment. I have a whole year to figure out what I want to do besides sew, still, right?"

Kai hadn't given any of those plans a thought until they'd just come out of his mouth, but it felt nice to say something definite about the future. It made life after Paradise seem tangible.

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