Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in dh_rewrite, @ 2007-11-02 17:17:00 |
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“The answer must be here.”
Harry Potter, also known as The Boy Who Lived ™, sat in the Headmaster’s office, clean, rested and stuffed full of Kreacher’s sandwiches; yet something was niggling at him.
“Something’s niggling at you, isn’t it?” asked Hermione.
“Well,” replied the dark-haired hero, “I just feel as though an important part of the story has been left unexplained.”
Hermione nodded in her patented Understanding Young Woman way, and proceeded to give her opinion.
“You’re finding it hard to come to terms with the memories Professor Snape left for you; particularly the revelation of his unrequited love for your mother. So now you’re hoping that there may be some answers in there,” she nodded towards the pensieve as she spoke, “that will help to reconcile your memory of him as a hated teacher with the new knowledge of him as an heroic figure torn between two power-crazed masters, yet motivated by the tragic power of his grief.”
“Er…no, actually.” Harry replied. “I just wanted to find out how he learned to fucking well FLY!”
All it took was a quick poke (of his wand into the misty pensieve memories…why, what were you thinking?) and an astounding scene began to unfold.
Two familiar figures lay sprawled upon an enormous silk-covered bed in a lavish boudoir. The raven-haired man was frowning in deep concentration as his beautiful blond companion taunted him playfully.
“Come along, Severus, it won’t bite!”
“I’m well aware of that. How many years have we been doing this together?”
“Ooh, longer than either of us care to admit.”
“Indeed. A decisive yet delicate touch is required.”
“Hurry up, I really can’t wait much longer.”
“Lucius, if I make the wrong move it will shoot everywhere, make a mess, and then you know how long it takes to get back to this point again.”
“But that’s what makes it such fun. Mess be damned!”
“I’m sure I can nearly…”
“Let me give you a helping hand. Oooooh! There it goes. Haha! I win!”
“I bloody hate playing Buckaroo.”
“So I take it you’re not up for another round, then?”
“No, I am sodding well not!”
“Pity. So, what shall we do next, then? Cards?”
“Too dull.”
“What about Top Trumps?”
“Certainly not: have you ever bothered to study the ratings on those cards?”
“Not really.”
“Humph! They are wildly inaccurate. As if you really are four points more magical than me. ”
“Monopoly, then?”
“Oh no, you’re not tricking me with that again.”
“What?”
“Don’t try and come the innocent with me, Lucius. The last time we played Monopoly, you insisted on Malfoy Rules.”
“Ah, yes, I remember now.”
“Which just so happened to involve using real money.”
“But it’s an old family tradition.”
“So you said. I was virtually bankrupt. Dumbledore had to give me an advance on my wages for five months.”
“Yes, poor you.”
“And I had to pay him back with interest.”
“Never mind…”
“I don’t think you understand quite what that entailed.”
“Pardon?”
“Paying interest. To Dumbledore. We’re not talking financial.”
“Oh. Ouch!”
“Indeed. I wouldn’t have minded so much, but I hadn’t even lost the bloody game!”
“Hermione! HERMIONE! Get me out of here, these are not the memories I’m looking for!”
“There’s no need to shout. I’m right here with you, Harry.”
“Oh. How did that happen?”
“I’m exceptionally clever, remember?”
“Oh, I thought it might have something to do with your being exceptionally nosy, and attracted by the slashy innuendo.”
“Well, that too.”
“Let’s get out of these memories, they are doing nothing to develop the plot.”
“Since when has that ever stopped us?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m referring to the Camping Holiday of Tedium. Good lord, Harry, your memory is awful!”
“There are some things that I never want to recall. Let’s go; these silky furnishings are giving me a headache.”
“No! I think we’re about to discover something very interesting…”
“Well, there must be something else we can do tonight.”
“The mature option would be to have a drink, and sit reading peacefully until we receive our inevitable summons from the Dark Lord. I have some rather illuminating Potions journals here…”
“Salazar’s Scrotum! Snape, I refuse to sit here all night watching you get yourself off to a list of obscure fucking ingredients and poxy cauldron advertisements.”
“Language, Lucius. Do you kiss your wife with that mouth?”
“Not any more, no.”
“Hmmm. Well, I do not ‘get myself off’ as you so charmingly put it. Some of us just happen to find intellectual pursuits rather stimulating. Not that you would understand.”
“You know what I find stimulating?”
“Indeed I do.”
“So how about it then?”
“Absolutely not. Don’t you remember the stains?”
“Oh, yes! A bit stubborn, weren’t they?”
“Stubborn is hardly the word. It took me a full week to formulate an effective stain remover.”
“Well, if you won’t let me do that again, then there’s only one thing left.”
“No.”
“Yes, my old friend.”
“Old is right. I’m far too old for that.”
“Nonsense. Remember what they say: you’re only as old as the man you feel!”
“You are six years older than me, Malfoy.”
“Damn.”
“Besides, the robes get in the way, and you wouldn’t want to ruin that sumptuous velvet cloak, would you now?”
“Fair point. Well that’s settled, then.”
“Pardon?”
“We play naked Twister!”
“HERMIONE,
“Come on, Harry, there’s no need for capslock.”
“Of course there is, we’re just about to see Snape NAKED!”
“Hmmm, so we are. And Mr Malfoy! Budge up, I need a better view.”
“I can’t believe this is happening. What have I done to deserve this? Oh, my poor eyes!”
“Stop being such a baby. This was your idea in the first place.”
“Was it?”
“Yes, you wanted to know about Professor Snape’s flying ability, remember?”
“Oh yes. Well we seem to have wandered from the point quite a bit, eh?”
“Be quiet, I think we’re about to discover the answer now.”
“And see a couple of bollock-naked Death Eaters.”
“Mmmm, yes. That too!”
“Fame has changed you.”
“So, I take it you remember the rules, Severus?”
“Unfortunately, I do.”
“Spin the wheel and…Right hand: Yellow.”
“Hmmm. Left leg: Green.”
“Ah, that’s a good Slytherin colour. Right leg: Blue. Shift yourself over a little, I’m hardly fitting on the mat!”
“Well, that’s hardly surprising, with the size of your…”
“Oh, I see you’ve noticed, you old tease!”
“… inflated head I was about to say. Honestly Lucius, your use of this game as a source of cheap thrills never ceases to amaze.”
“Why, thank you!”
“It wasn’t meant as a compliment.”
“Oh. Your turn.”
“Very well. Left leg: Red. This is going to be tricky.”
“Ooh, so it is! I’ll have to just slide over the top of you like so.”
“Malfoy, get that out of my face right now!”
“I thought it might stoke your appetite.”
“Well, only insofar as it reminds me I need to buy another butternut squash for tomorrow’s dinner.”
“That’s not the attitude. I’ll have you know that the last time I indulged in naked twister, the other players were most impressed with my equipment.”
“True. However, the last time you indulged in naked twister, the other players were Wormtail and Nagini.”
“Left hand: Green.”
“Aha! Not so happy about the Slytherin colour now, eh, Malfoy?”
“Helga’s Hymen, Snape! How the devil are you managing to keep that foot on the ground?”
“It must be my finely tuned-coordination and exquisite balance.”
“Don’t lie to me you sneaky git, you’re using magic.”
“I can assure you…”
“You’ve cast a sticking charm on your toes! Well, two can play at that game; Wingardium Leviosa!”
“HERMIONE! SNAPE
“I know! Good isn’t it?”
“GOOD? NO! I DON’T EVEN HAVE A BUCKET TO VOMIT INTO!”
“Harry, I’ve told you before about the capslock business. What if they hear us?”
“They are only memories in a pensieve, they can’t bloody well hear us.”
“Oh yes, so they are.”
“Hermione?”
“Yes.”
“You look disappointed.”
“Mmmm. Hang on, these memories…”
“Yes?”
“Are they tactile?”
“What?”
“Would I be able to touch them?”
“Why… Hermione, please tell me you’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking?”
“I won’t be a minute, just need to try something. In the interests of magical research, you understand.”
“Well done, Lucius, you’ve made my foot hover in the air.”
“Which means that you forefit the game. Ha!”
“Ah, yes. I always forget what a sore loser you are.”
“Well, I’m not sore yet, but we can soon change that, hmm?”
“Perhaps later.”
“Very well. For now…”
“I said later! Keep your hands to yourself, Lucius.”
“I am! Look, Right hand: Yellow, Left hand: Green. They haven’t moved.”
“Indeed? Well, how do you explain the… Aarrggh! It happened again!”
“What on earth are you gabbling about, Severus?”
“I could have sworn you had started fondling my… Excuse me! I don’t gabble.”
“Usually, no. But you are now.”
“I know damn well what I felt just then and it…”
“Wasn’t anything to do with me. Perhaps it was just a random burst of magic?”
“Well, possibly.”
“I’m sure it is of little consequence. Let’s put that mouth to better use, hmm?”
“Very well. But first you will need to cast the counter-spell upon my foot.”
“Subsisto Volatilis. There, that should do it.”
“It most certainly has not. My foot is still in the air. And now my bloody leg is hovering too.”
“Well, I don’t know why…”
“Stop this right now, Malfoy!”
“I can assure you, I’m doing nothing.”
“Nothing, you say? In that case how do you explain why my body just felt as though it was on the recieveing end of a particularly strong Homo Erectus charm?”
“A Homo Erectus? Well well, I haven’t thought to use one of those for…”
“Godric’s Gonads! My whole sodding body is in the damn air!”
“So it is. That’s a super floating action you’ve got there, if I may say.”
“You may not. This is… Oh! How unusual.”
“What’s that?”
“Look, I’m not just floating, I can control my movements.”
“So I see. In fact, I’m getting quite an eyeful!”
“HERMIONE! MY
“That’s enough capslock, Harry. It’s getting really tiresome.”
“Well, that’s never stopped me before. Hey, what are you doing over there?”
“Erm, nothing. Look, it’s probably better if you just slide out of the memory now. I’m sure there’s nothing more to see.”
“But…”
“And, I’m convinced I’ll be able to handle anything that comes up here.”
“Well, if you’re sure.”
“Positive.”
“My eyes…”
“Have really suffered, I know. They could do with a rest.”
“Hang on a minute, you’re up to something!”
“NO I’M NOT!”
“Hmmm, capslock, eh? That is suspicious. I think I’ll stay and watch some more.”
“Damn.”
“What spell did you use then, Malfoy?”
“Wingardium Leviosa, you heard me.”
“This is no simple levitation charm. Look at the control I have over these movements!”
“Not everywhere, though. I believe some places are seeing rather too much movement. Come down here and get some pants on!”
“No, I don’t think I shall. That’ll teach you to behave like a pervert, casting sexual performance spells on the unwary.”
“Not so much unwary, more the unwieldy from where I’m sitting. Though I protest my innocence; it must have been an odd magical fluctuation.”
“A Malfoy, innocent? Well, I suppose there’s a first time for everything.”
“That’s enough flapping about, Snape. Come down here right now.”
“I think I shall continue flying, actually. I’m quite content up here.”
“The spell appears very powerful indeed. It’s most distracting.”
“How very gratifying.”
“And terribly vulgar. Careful, you could have someone’s eye out with that!””
“Excellent.”
“Severus, work out the charm so we can cast it on me.”
“Later perhaps, Lucius. I’m rather occupied at the moment. Damn this is fun.”
“Severus, please…”
“I’ve told you, I’m busy.”
“But I want a turn! It’s not fair.”
“You’re starting to get whiny. I can see where Draco gets it from now. Oh dear, I see that your house-elves aren’t as thorough as you imagine.”
“What do you mean?”
“You should see the dust on the top of these shelves.”
“Severus, stop flying. I’m bored down here on my own.”
“In a minute. Well well! How interesting, I didn’t realise you used a penis-enlarging pump.”
“Pardon?”
“It’s on the top of the wardrobe. Would you like me to bring it down?”
“No! It’s not mine!”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“So to whom does it belong?”
“Probably Bella.”
“Ah. That makes sense.”
“Bellatrix has a WHAT? These Death Eaters are even more fucked-up than I thought.”
“Aren’t they just?”
“Hermione, are you dribbling?”
“Erm, no.”
“Well, this is all very…”
“Deviant and compelling.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing”
“Hmmm. But it still doesn’t explain why Snape is suddenly flapping around Malfoy’s chandelier like a… like a…”
“Vampire porno star in zero-gravity.”
“WHAT?”
“I expect the spells combined accidentally and fused thereby amplifying their effects and resulting in a flying Professor.”
“But why would Malfoy cast two spells at once? Unless… HERMIONE! It was you!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“That random burst of magic Malfoy mentioned. It was you copping a feel!”
“I really don’t know…”
“You were the one who cast that charm, what was it called?”
“The Homo Erectus, which causes grown male wizards to, how shall I put it?… grow a little more.”
“And how do you know so much about it?”
“Erm, well…”
“Don’t even think about trying to look innocent, Hermione. Not when you’ve got your hand wrapped around Malfoy’s…”
“Ooh, so I have! How on earth did that get there, I wonder?”
“What has got into you today?”
“Well, nothing yet. More’s the pity.”
“Ooh, that felt like someone was grabbing my…”
“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that, Lucius.”
“Never mind. Severus, come down now, there’s a good fellow.”
“Not just yet: life is fascinating from up here.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m discovering all sorts of things.”
“Like what?”
“Like the fact that you’re thinning on top.”
“Never! I can’t be losing my hair. It’s not the Malfoy way.”
“Hmmm, that’s what you think.”
“Rowena’s Rocket Socket! Snape, I’ve had just enough of this foolish swooping. Come down at once!”
“Certainly not. ‘Rowena’s Rocket Socket’? Where on earth did you get that from?”
“I made it up, under pressure, just now.”
“Well, that was quite the worst expletive I’ve ever heard.”
“Thank you.”
“It was another insult.”
“Oh. Now, will you please come in to land? It’s really rather unnerving. And I’m starting to feel lonely.”
“Hmmm, considering you ask so very nicely.”
“And a man shouldn’t feel lonely in his own boudoir.”
“Lucius, a man shouldn’t even have a ‘boudoir’!”
“I don’t see why not.”
“Yes, I suppose you have always been particularly comfortable with your feminine side.”
“What are you trying to imply, Severus? I am not effeminate!”
“Of course you’re not. Shall I open the window to let the peacock out?”
“If it’s not too much trouble.”
“There.”
“Thank you. They do so like to roost on the shelving.”
“Hmmm, it is quite comfortable.”
“Oh no you don’t! I will not tolerate a roosting Snape on my bookcase.”
“Hermione, let’s go.”
“What, now? Do we have to?”
“Yes! We got what we came here for.”
“I didn’t. Well, not everything.”
“Pardon?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Funny, I would never have guessed that was how Snape learned to fly.”
“Oh, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to enhance, modify or even combine spells simply by the addition of a strategically placed stroke or fondle.”
“HERMIONE! Thank goodness Ron isn’t here! What would he say if he saw you like this?”
“Hmmm, ‘harder’ or ‘faster’, probably.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Er… nothing.”
“Right then, Severus. I think this calls for a celebration, don’t you?”
“Possibly. What do you have in mind… champagne perhaps?”
“Better than that… another game!”
“Why is that no surprise? Well, as long as it’s not bloody scrabble again.”
“Certainly not. I have no time for all those irritating tiles.”
“You mean you can only spell four-letter words. So what’s it to be?”
“I’m thinking Ker-plunk!”
“Indeed? In that case, I must insist we get dressed first. Those sticks are sharp.”
“Come now, where’s your sense of adventure? Ouch, my arm!”
“Ouch indeed. The sodding Dark Mark burns once again.”
“Damn. Does it need to be so painful?”
“Well, it is the daily summons from your local psychopath.”
“True. Pass me the mask will you? Ta!”
“I wonder what gruesome plan he has for us today?”
“No idea. But it appears that Ker-plunk will have to wait.”
“What a tragedy.”
“Now now, don’t be like that, you grumpy old bat. I know, perhaps we could take the game with us; give it to him as gift. That might please him.”
“It certainly might. I’m sure there’s no end of amusement that mad noseless bastard could make with a sack of marbles, a fist full of sharp sticks and a nude Malfoy.”
“On second thoughts, let’s just take him the usual, shall we?”
“Firewhiskey and this week’s edition of Contemporary Cross-stitcher? Sounds sensible.”
“Ready then, Severus?”
“Yes. Although I believe it would be wise not to mention my newly discovered talent.”
“Agreed. The idea of a Dark Lord flapping all around my wardrobe simply doesn’t bear thinking about. Your secret is in safe hands, old friend.”
“How touching.”
“Well, maybe time for that later, eh?”
The mask-clad figures apparated into the night, and a hazy shimmer engulfed the scene. Harry and Hermione found themselves exactly where they had started, in the Headmaster’s office, staring into the pensieve.
“Well, I must admit that was one of the most shocking things I’ve ever seen in my life, and, as you know, my life has been jam-packed with all kinds of weird shit.”
Hermione gazed at her friend with concern, and spoke gently, “Harry, I know it’s terribly confusing, trying to work out precisely how I could have cast a spell just a moment ago which affected the past in such a way that enabled Professor Snape to fly in his future, which was nevertheless still our past and…”
“Hermione, what the bloody hell are you waffling about?”
“The shocking time-travel-paradox thing. It’s difficult to understand but…”
“No, the shocking thing I’m talking about was seeing you turn into missy vixen-knickers over Malfoy’s dad and Snape!”
“Oh.”
“Let’s get out of here, Hemione.”
“I think I’d better just check some more of Professor Snape’s memories. They might contain important information.”
“I doubt it. I expect they’re just full of Death Eaters playing stupid games. Naked.”
“Mmmmmm. Regulus.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing.”
“Well, I’m going back to Gryffindor tower. Are you coming?”
“Very probably.”