Who: April and Phobia What: Trying not to freak out When: The next day after THIS Where: April’s place
Phobia had spent the night as shadows, sleeping somewhere up near the ceiling. He started awake at every noise, afraid they would come back. A blessing. A curse. It had been a form of torture, like Ashe said. It was something Phobia wasn’t sure how to deal with. What if this was the start of the cure? What if this was what rid them of radiation? Or at least their abilities? What if Phobia could go back to being Oliver through and through? It was a wonderful and terrible thought.
It was a thought Phobia did not want to keep in his head. He did not to keep thinking. He pulled himself together, literally and left the house, heading to April’s. He had to explain. She had to be worried. He realised as he knocked on her door, he should have brought something. Candy or something. He hadn’t. He knocked again. Maybe he should have called first?
When April went looking for Phobia a couple of days ago and he was missing, she got really really scared. She’d been afraid to answer the door or go out before, but now that fear was heightened. She was basically in kid-form all the time. It was easier to run and hide that way, but it did complicate things a little at work. It was weird for a little kid to be cleaning up and working there, and she was jittery every time the door opened. But she still went in because she didn’t want to disappoint Zayne. At home, she mostly hid under the bed with her phone, a bear, and some candy; that was all she needed anyway.
Hearing the knock now, she poked her head out from under the bed and listened carefully to see if she could hear who it was. Reluctantly, she slid out from under the furniture and ran to the door, trying to avoid the windows so no one could see her. She opened the door just a crack and peered out to see who it was. Seeing Phobia, she flung open the door and hugged him tightly with little arms.
Phobia was surprised that little April answered the door. He sensed the overwhelming fear coming from her. How much of her fear was his fault for disappearing? No. That wasn’t true. He wasn’t at fault for being detained. It was the government’s fault and he blamed them. They were going too far, once again.
“Hey,” he said, his voice a bit soft, “You’re little. Why are you so little?”
Stepping back from the hug, April grabbed Phobia’s hand and pulled him inside before slamming the door closed behind him. Once the door was closed, she instantly shifted back to her ‘usual’ form and hugged him again tightly. “I went to see you and you were gone and it was scary and I hate this. I hate this place, why is it so bad and scary all the time now?”
“I’m sorry,” Phobia said. He didn’t pull back from the hug. As uncomfortable as he was with hugs, he knew April needed the hug. He needed the hug, though he would never admit it. He sighed softly at her question. He wanted to tell her that it wasn’t bad or scary all the time but he also didn’t want lie.
“Because they are afraid,” Phobia said softly, “They are afraid of us and what we can do and what they can’t. So they strike out in fear.”
Finally releasing him from the hug, April stepped back and looked down with a little sniffle. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like lots of hugs. I’m glad you’re okay. I was worried that they would hurt you too. They didn’t hurt you, did they?”
“It’s okay,” Phobia said. He debating saying about it not being an everyday thing but decided he didn’t need to. He didn’t need to point that out to her. He reached for her hand and headed to the living room, sitting down on the couch with her. He pulled his feet up onto the couch, shoes off at the door, of course, and sighed softly.
“I’m okay,” he just said okay twice, “They didn’t like what I wrote, which I knew that would happen. I just hoped…” he trailed off. He didn’t know to finish that.
April followed Phobia to the couch and sat with him, still frowning a little. She was glad that he was safe now, but nothing else seemed to be any better. “What did you hope? And what did they do?”
Phobia didn’t want to tell April because he didn’t want to scare her. He still didn’t want to lie. He looked to her and said, “I hoped they would be better. I’m not surprised that they aren’t but I had hoped.” He paused again and then said, “They have… this device that blocks our abilities,” he looked away. He didn’t feel everyone’s fears. It had been wonderful but to get it back, it was like being dunked under cold water. Maybe he could leave it at that.
April watched Phobia closely, furrowing her brow. “Blocks our abilities? How? Why? Did they do it to you? Did it hurt?”
Phobia looked at his hands. The cloak was gone, finally. One blessing, he supposed, “They used it with me, yes. It… I… for the first time for a long time, I didn’t sense anyone’s fears. Then they turned it off and it came back, all at once. Everyone’s in range.”
April hugged Phobia again. She didn’t know if it hurt, but it sounded back when it all came rushing back like that. “What was it like? When they blocked the fears? Was it good, or bad?” She just assumed it was bad, but she also kind of wanted to know if they could do it for her.
“When they blocked it? It felt… wonderful,” Phobia confessed, “I felt… like me again. Or who I used to. No one else’s noise was in my head. I didn’t have that stupid cloak on. I was me. It was when they brought it back because I couldn’t control it, it hit me all at once and I just lost who I was.”
April took his hand and held it lightly. “I’m sorry. Maybe… maybe we could get them to turn it on again, and leave it on, so you can be who you want to be.” April was pretty sure he was the same Oliver, but he didn’t feel that way and she just wanted him to feel happy again.
Phobia shook his head and said, “The agent told me that right now if left on too long, it can cause health problems. I didn’t ask what. I didn’t want to find out either. I’m just concerned if they perfect it. Or make it on a wider scale. It could hurt people.” “Or it could help people. You could be who you want to be, you can be happy. I would ask them to use it on me too. Then I could just be who I am supposed to be and not little or old, or too curvy or different hair. I could be me, too.” Who that was, April still wasn’t sure of. She wasn’t even sure she’d feel any differently if they used this machine-thing on her.
“I thought of that. If they could perfect the science and people could choose, would people choose to lose their abilities?” Phobia asked, “Do you think you’d be happier without your abilities?” Would he be happier without his? Maybe. He wouldn’t be Phobia anymore. He would be… Oliver. Still, what about others? Like Matty or Thursday or Daryn?
April shrugged. “I guess it’s up to everyone how they feel. I don’t know if I would be happier, because I don’t remember what it’s like to be me before it. But I would do it. My abilities aren’t important or good for anything, they don’t help anyone. And maybe if I didn’t have them then I wouldn’t feel so scared of the guard people because they wouldn't go after me anymore.”
“Do you think you would join regular society after? Or I wonder if it would still put a black mark on us,” Phobia sighed softly, “I don’t want you to be scared anymore. I want to tell you that you have nothing to be scared of but I know that’s not true. You just haven’t done anything wrong. They should leave you be.”
April just shrugged. “I don’t know. It might be nice to get to be like regular people, but I don’t know anyone so maybe it would just feel the same?” She looked down at her hands, listening to him in silence before looking up again. “You didn’t do anything wrong either. You just spoke up, you said real, true things. That’s not something bad to get in trouble for. I may not be smart or know a lot of things, but I know that speaking the truth is good, not bad, even if people don’t want to hear it.”
Except speaking up was wrong here. Also stealing children out of a lab but he wasn’t going to mention that to April. He wasn’t going to tell her anything that would get her into trouble. He sat in silence for a moment.
“This place is hard,” Phobia said, “I think it’s been hard since the accident. If the guys who ran that plant had any idea of the world they were creating…” and nobody cared. “We should focus on happier things.” Wasn’t that was April normally did? He didn’t want to think he was bringing her down into his darkness.
April was silent, trying to think of happier things. They just didn’t come to mind as quickly as they used to. She frowned at herself, trying to think of something to say and then just shrugged. “Like… candy, maybe?”
“Like candy,” Phobia agreed, “Or… I’m not sure. The weather is getting nicer. No more cold rain,” he was really the worst person to be asking to do this. Where was the coffee fairy when you needed him? “What about you and Rose? Are you still going to learn to dance?”
April offered a little smile when he agreed about the candy. She shook her head no when he asked about Rose. “She’s been busy with things. And.. I don’t think learning to dance is a good idea. Besides I’m still kind of sore and stuff.” April didn’t like complaining, but she wasn’t sure she felt strong enough to dance yet, even though she could do the usual day to day things without a problem.
Wasn’t there something about exercise working out kinks? He didn’t know how that worked so he wasn’t going to suggest it. Too bad that Rose was busy about things. Phobia sighed softly then thought about the doctor.
“Are you still blacking out and stuff?” Phobia asked. They should get April to Daryn sooner than later. That was important.
April nodded hesitantly. She kind of hoped that Phobia had forgotten about the whole doctor thing, she couldn’t blame him with everything else going on. In the big scheme of things, headaches and black outs weren’t that important, right?
“Why don’t I call Daryn now and see if she’s available?” Phobia proposed, “Get it over with. Like ripping off a bandaid.” Then she would know if she was okay. Then he would know. Besides he didn’t want to dwell on his own issues. That could stay for another shapeless night.
Frowning, April shook her head. “No. Not now. Can we just hang out? Have candy? Oh, we can listen to your favorite music!” April didn’t want to go see Daryn, but more than that she wanted to make Phobia feel better. She could tell that the whole thing with the guards had bothered him and she wanted to help in any little way she could.
“Tomorrow then?” Phobia asked. He wasn’t going to give up easily. He wanted her to be okay. He nodded then said, “Movie maybe? Movies are always a good way to pass the time.” Alternate reality and all.
“Maybe tomorrow.” What if Phobia didn’t feel better by tomorrow? Then it would have to wait until he was better. “We can watch movies too. We can make popcorn or things.” April couldn’t remember the last time she got groceries, but she was pretty sure she still had popcorn. “Or pancakes, you like pancakes, right?” She didn’t remember if he had pancakes at the pancake party. But she remembered having fun with him and dancing and feeling happy. That was what she wanted to recreate.
“I’m holding you to that,” Phobia said. He glanced to her. He hadn’t eaten today. One thing about being in mist form, he wasn’t as hungry as much. Mist didn’t need to eat it seemed, “Do you want pancakes? I wouldn’t say no.”
Grabbing his hand, April jumped up from the couch and practically dragged him into the kitchen. “Let’s make something! I don’t know if I have all the ingredients for all the things but some of this stuff has to go together to make something good, right?” It was harder for April to be happy and optimistic lately, but once she got there, it was just like old times. And April was feeling happy and optimistic about making pancakes, or whatever else they could make.
“Um, sure?” Phobia was probably not the best person to ask that. What did they really need to make pancakes anyway? Or they could always go back to Phobia’s and raid his kitchen. Ashe never had it too empty.
“We have sprinkles for the pancake top?” Phobia asked.
April just blinked and stared blankly at Phobia in silence for a few moments. When she finally spoke, it was in an awed whisper. “You can put sprinkles on pancakes?”
Phobia almost laughed at how excited she seemed at the idea, “Why not? Actually, when I wasn’t feeling well, she used to make me chocolate chip pancakes. My dad would end up eating most of them.” He looked away for a moment, missing both his parents. He shoved the thought and the feeling aside. It wasn’t the time to feel that.
April pursed her lips, watching Phobia carefully for a moment. Then she turned, taking out the things they needed to make chocolate chip pancakes, which she assumed were pancakes with chocolate chips added. And of course she had chocolate chips. “What other favorites do you have?”
He hopped up on the kitchen counter, taking a seat there. He also liked apple pancakes. His dad would dust cinnamon on top. He didn’t want to think of his parents. They might as well both be dead. So he shrugged and said, “Trust me. Chocolate chips and syrups is sweet enough. We’ll both end up with stomach aches.”
April shook her head and smiled. “No stomach aches, only happy times. There’s probably other things you like that aren’t sweet, right?”
“With pancakes? Or in general?” Phobia asked. He couldn’t help but smirk, “I am not a very sweet person, remember?” He never cared for blueberries and pancakes. Or blueberries in general. Too tart. Maybe he’d like them now.
“Both.” Taking down a bowl, April carefully read the directions on the box before going about mixing the ingredients. Matty taught her how to make pancakes before, but doing it by herself was going to be different and she didn’t want to mess up.
Phobia looked up at the ceiling and shrugged, “Raspberries. I like them. I don’t know if I’d call them sweet. Grapefruit sometimes.” Why could he only think of fruits? “What about you?”
April shrugged. “I only know what I like from what I get to try hear. People always talk about the foods they miss though, there’s like so many things I would like to try someday. But I think I will always like candy best.”
“What would you like to try?” Phobia asked, “What kind of foods that you have heard about and haven’t tried yet?” Maybe they could… well, Phobia was no cook. He couldn’t pretend to try to make the foods she would want to try. Maybe he could try to try?
April concentrated, biting her lip as she made sure the pancake batter came out perfectly, then handed over the chocolate chips to Phobia to add as much as he wanted to. “I don’t know, lots of things. Some things I don’t even know what they are. Like Chinese food. I thought Chinese was a kind of people not a kind of food, but people say they like it and I don’t think there is any of that food here.”
Phobia poured a generous amount of chocolate chips into the batter and said, “Chinese food is food that Chinese people eat. Except real Chinese food is nothing like the Chinese food we have in the States. My dad hated when my mom and I would order Chinese and it always had a lecture about what they would really eat.” Phobia rolled his eyes. He was thinking a lot of his parents today. He needed to stop that, “I’m sure we can try to attempt it. All I can think of is rice and fortune cookies.”
April smiled when he poured in the chocolate chips. She noticed he was talking a lot about his family, but she liked to hear his stories so she didn’t point it out. “What’s a fortune cookie?”
“It’s a cookie with a slip of paper inside that has a fortune,” Phobia explained, “They usually taste gross but it’s a part of the whole experience.” He shrugged again, “I wonder if we can order some off Amazon or something.”
April was curious but confused. She finished mixing the pancake batter and then realized she hadn’t even turned on the stove to cook the pancakes. She frowned at herself and then went to do that, trying hard to make everything just right. “How can a cookie taste gross?”
“It’s… I don’t know. Usually they taste like cardboard,” Phobia shrugged. He glanced as she turned on the stove and then asked, “Can I do anything to help? I’m sort of sitting here in the way.”
April just smiled and shook her head no. “You’re not in the way. What kind of chinese food do you like?”
“Chicken fried rice, sweet and sour… everything. I pour that sauce on everything,” Phobia said, “My mother was trying to teach me to eat with chopsticks. I was never very good with them. Too much work.”
April leaned against the counter, watching Phobia for a minute before hesitantly speaking. “You miss them a lot. Your family.”
Phobia hestated and nodded. He missed his mother the most. His father… he had no idea where he was. It was a different ache. Now he didn’t want to think about it anymore.
“I think the pan is warm. Do you want me to put some of the batter on?” Phobia asked.
When he changed the subject, she bit her lip and stepped aside to give him room. “Yes, please. I think I would mess this part up the most and I don’t want to ruin your pancakes.”
“The first one is always a throw away,” Phobia said, jumping down from the counter and poured the first pancake into the pan, “And my pancakes? You better eat some too.”
“Why is it a throw away?” She watched carefully and shrugged. “There’s chocolate in them, of course I will have some.”
“That’s what they call it. Something about getting used to the heat of the pan? I don’t know,” Phobia shrugged. He poured more batter in. He was making it up as he went along, it seemed.
Watching him work, now April took a seat on the counter nearby. “You know a lot about pancakes.” She was quiet for a few minutes before remembering something. “I found something on the internet. But I didn’t watch it because I was afraid I might get in trouble.”
Phobia shrugged, “It’s one of the few foods I can make,” he looked to her. Found something on the internet? “What did you find?”
She kept her eyes on the pancake, trying to predict when it would be done cooking. She was pretty sure she’d burn them if it was up to her. “It’s a video of me dancing, in a show or something. Like a ballet show. I think it must have been one like right before all the bad stuff happened, it was the most recent I could find.”
“So why don’t you watch it?” Phobia asked. Right. She did say she was afraid she would get in trouble, which seemed legitimate around here. He paused and said, “Why don’t we watch it together?/” He flipped the pancake, “Then if there are any questions, we can put it all on me.” He didn’t really care if he got in trouble again and April deserved to see her past. If she wanted to.
April frowned and shook her head, reaching out to touch his arm. And then a second later realized he may not like that, so she took her hand back. “I don’t want you getting into any more trouble, especially not because of me. That wouldn’t be fair and it’s not worth it. It’s just a stupid video. I didn’t even recognize myself in the little picture on the preview. So, maybe it’s just a typo and they put my real name by accident and I’m not in it. Then it’s really not worth getting in trouble about.”
Phobia glanced at April when she took her hand back and said, “You deserve to see yourself, if that’s what you want. You deserve to be able to know who you were. No matter what the government thinks. They should not have that ability.” He took the pancake off the pan and put it on the th plate, “It’s up to you. I won’t push you into anything you don’t want to do. But if you are curious, fuck the rules.”
April just frowned again, looking down at her hands. “I want to know, I just don’t know if it’s worth getting into trouble again. And I definitely don’t want you getting into trouble. What if we watch it and it’s not me? Or what if it is me, I don’t know what to do with that.”
“So let’s pretend we watch it, and it’s you and you are amazing. What do you want to do with that information? Do you want to do anything with that information?” Phobia asked. He glanced at April again before turning back to the pancakes.
April just shrugged. “I don’t think there’s anything to do with that. Other than be sad that it’s not me anymore.” She stared at the floor for a few minutes before looking to him. “Would you want to look back at your old life, knowing you can never have that again?”
Phobia was silent for a moment and then said, “You can have parts of your old life back. You can learn to dance again, if you wanted to.” Phobia couldn’t have his old life back; his mother was dead. His father… he had no idea. Either way, his old life was done. He poked at a pancake, “I understand. I won’t say anymore.”
April frowned again, she didn’t want him to stop talking. “No, I want to hear what you think. I trust you. What if I can’t learn to dance again? What if that part of me is gone, like my memory?” April had thought about that a lot and it scared her. She didn’t remember dance, but something inside her told her it was the most important thing to her. And if that was gone forever, what did it mean? It was scary to think about.
“Then you learn how to do it again,” Phobia said, “You are physically able to so I don’t think there is any reason why you couldn’t relearn it,” he poured the rest of the batter in the pan and thought for a moment. “Maybe the worst part would be having to learn from scratch.”
April wasn’t sure how physically able she was, but then again she’d only told him about the headaches and the blackouts. But that was enough. “Maybe. I guess. I don’t know. I don’t think I could learn that stuff here, though.”
“Rose offered, didn’t she?” Phobia said, “Or Youtube videos?” He began to serve the pancakes and with a smirk, “I can’t exactly help you on that front. I’m about as coordinated as a… something that isn’t at all.”
Hoping down from the counter, April moved to the table with him to sit and eat. “I guess. I think Rose is busy, I don’t want to bother her. She said she didn’t do a lot of ballet anyway.” She looked to the pancakes with a small smile. “These look perfect.”
“Is that why you are hesitating? Because she doesn’t have a lot of time?” Phobia asked. He glanced around, “We need forks. And butter. And syrup.” There wasn’t enough sugar, apparently.
Standing quickly, April went to get all of the things they needed for pancakes. Sitting once again, she nodded. “Yeah. And I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it.”
“Why wouldn’t you be able to?” Phobia asked, thanking her for the fork and the other things. He began to prepare his pancakes, cutting them into bite sized pieces.
“I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I was able to do things before that I can’t do now. Like, take care of myself, and have a job, and do things like normal people. What if dance is one of those things I can’t do any more?” April didn’t want to go down this road. She just wanted to see what he thought about the video and now it was becoming something bigger. “Maybe… maybe somehow you could watch it, the video, in secret, without getting into trouble, and just tell me about it? That seems less scary.”
“You take care of yourself and you have a job,” Phobia pointed out to her, “What if dance was one of those things you can do?” Funny that he was trying to get her to look on the bright side of things. He nodded to her request, “I can do that. I’ll let you know if it’s something you’d want to see.”
April was pretty sure that hiding under the bed and being afraid to go out wasn’t the best taking care of herself, but she just nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”
Phobia nudged April gently and said, “I’ll let you know and whatever you want to do from there, it’s up to you.” And if she wanted to watch it, he was sure they could go somewhere that wouldn’t directly impact her.
April smiled and dug into the pancakes. They were good, so good that she ate almost one whole one before saying anything. “These are like the best pancakes ever. You’re the best pancake cooker.”
Phobia shook his head and said, “that’s just because you haven’t had Ashe’s yet. I still need to get him to cook for you. He is the best.” Though if he was honest? These pancakes weren’t terrible either.
April smiled, chewing and swallowing another mouthful of pancakes before speaking again. “What is your favorite thing that he makes?”
Phobia thought for a moment and shrugged, “He does most of the cooking at home. He’s good at it so I’m hard pressed to pick one thing.” Or Ashe used to. He was spending a lot of time with Daryn and Phoenix and he wouldn’t knock Ashe for that. Ashe was there when he came back. That was enough.
April watched him curiously but just nodded. She kept asking about his favorites but he didn’t seem too eager to answer exactly. “It must be nice to have someone cook for you, and to hang out with and be friends with.” Well, April had friends, but she meant the whole roommate thing.
Phobia couldn’t help but laugh a little at that, “Ashe… worked very hard at my friendship. I told him to leave me alone more than once. I have no idea why he stuck around,” he poked at his pancake, “I’m glad he did. I know if I were him, I probably wouldn’t have.”
April smiled brightly. Phobia didn’t laugh very often, so she enjoyed it while it lasted. “He probably could tell you’re a good friend to have.”
“Or he was a glutton for punishment,” Phobia said. He nudged April gently, “You too.” He was moody. He wasn’t much fun to be around. He certainly didn’t help others feel better. He didn’t know how he got so many friends suddenly. A part of him was very grateful for that. He just wouldn’t say it.
April nudged him back and smiled. “Or maybe you’re just a really good person and a really good friend.” She wasn’t going to give up on him that easily.
Phobia flashed her the quickest smile and shook his head, “Thank you for thinking that. I wish I could believe that.” He nudged her gently, wondering how much longer would she put up with him too.
April smiled. “It’s not something I just think. I know it, in my heart. And that says a lot because I don’t know much for sure. But I know that.”
Phobia leaned over and kissed her cheek. He flashed her another smile and said, “Thank you. I won’t take advantage of your friendship.”
April blushed bright pink at the kiss and touched her cheek, speechless for a moment. No one had ever kissed her before, not that she remembered anyway. So she just sat in silence, enjoying the feeling while it lasted.