Who: April and Phobia What: Birthday! When: April 13th Where: April’s
It was disappointing. It was a little burnt and the icing was dripping and the sprinkles didn’t make it look like anything in the picture. Lesson one: do not copy cakes from Pinterest. Lesson two: ask for Ashe’s help. Except that then he would have to explain that he was baking a cake for April and that would lead to questions and Phobia did not want to answer questions. So he hadn’t asked for help and now he had the world’s saddest cake. Maybe April wouldn’t think it was the saddest cake. Maybe Phobia should have bought cupcakes or something.
Still he walked over to April’s and knocked on her door. He felt awkward. He also held a gift bag filled with candy for her. Hopefully she didn’t think this was weird.
While April loved parties, especially ones with cake, she hadn’t mentioned her birthday to anyone. It wasn’t a real birthday anyway, not technically, and she was sure other people had had birthdays around here and there wasn’t a party. Which was sad. April was sad a lot lately, and she didn’t like that. So she tried to keep busy with work and not bother anyone. So she was very surprised when she heard a knock on her door. Despite being more solitary lately, she still loved visitors more than anything, so she brightened and bounced to the door to open it. She was surprised, very surprised, to see Phobia on the other side. He’d been busy lately, and April had taken Rose’s advice very seriously to give him his space. But seeing Phobia now made her feel happy again. So she stepped aside to let him in. “Hi! What are you doing here?’
Phobia held out the plate with the cake to April and said, “Happy Namesake day!” he paused, “Or well, a day early, but I thought I would come here. With cake. So we could celebrate. Or something.” He was sounding nervous. Why was he nervous? Probably because his cake sucked and she hadn’t said anything to him so why would he have thought to do this? He could leave. Maybe he ought to. “I also have a gift for you.”
Blinking, April wasn’t sure what to say or do. She was surprised again, not just because he was here, but because he remembered. Hesitantly, she took the plate and smiled, turning to lead him into the kitchen. “For me, really? I love cake. And a gift too? That’s so nice of you. Do you really want to celebrate with me?”
Phobia followed her inside and set the gift bag on the kitchen table. He nodded and said, “Of course I do. Not every day you get a namesake day. I know I’m early but I didn’t know if you had other plans tomorrow… I guess I could have waited but… just. Happy birthday. Or something.” He was rambling a bit for him. He took a deep breath. Stop being weird.
Setting the cake down carefully, she looked to him again with a smile. “Thank you. That means a lot. I was feeling weird about it, like it’s not real.” Or not something to celebrate, or that maybe the last year wasn’t really something worth celebrating. “I know you’ve been busy lately, I hope you didn’t go to any trouble over me.”
Phobia snickered and said, “Wait until you taste it. I’ve never made cake before. Well, once,” with my mother’s help, “so don’t thank me until you know you aren’t going to die of food poisoning or something.”
Phobia tugged on his sleeves and said, “Of course it’s worth celebrating. It’s your pseudo-birthday. That’s important,” he hesitated, “Sorry I’ve been...away lately.” He should have a bigger explanation but how could he explain the kids? Or getting them out without risking April? No, he wasn’t going to do that.
April shrugged a little, shoving her hands down into her pockets. “It’s okay. I know you’re busy with things. I missed hanging out with you and talking to you though. I’m glad you came over.”
Phobia opened his mouth to promise he’ll try to be better but stopped. He wasn’t sure why but it felt… it felt too much like he was making a real connection and that suddenly felt terrifying. So he tugged on his sleeves again, covering his hands.
“I’m here now,” Phobia said. He reached for the gift bag and pushed it towards her, “Here. Open.”
April watched Phobia curiously, wondering what he was about to say. Deciding not to push, she just watched him a moment longer before nodding. Smiling, she hesitantly took the bag and looked inside, delighted to see candy. She looked back to him with a little laugh, “I think you know me too well.”
“Maybe next year, I’ll come up with something else but I figured can’t go wrong with candy, right?” Phobia said with a shrug. He slid his hands into his hoodie front pocket, trying not to fidget or keep pulling on his sleeves. “I’m glad you like it.”
“Next year?” April was kind of surprised by that. She had started to notice that a lot of people on the island didn’t look ahead or plan forward for things. So it was nice to hear, even if he was just saying it to be nice. April moved to Phobia and gave him a quick hug, remembering that he wasn’t too big on hugs in the first place. “I love it. Thank you.”
He was surprised by the hug, as always, and it took him a second to return the hug, even briefly. He nodded and said, “Maybe we won’t be on this island next year,” hopefully, “but no matter where we are, we’ll celebrate. Maybe with a store bought cake. Just saying.”
April was so happy that he returned the hug, that she hugged Phobia back again and kissed his cheek. She figured he wouldn’t like that too much, so she stepped back quickly. “A homemade cake is so much better than store bought. Do you really think we won’t be here next year?”
Phobia felt his face warm when she kissed his cheek. He was not expecting that at all. He should do something in response, right? Except he had no idea what so he stood there for a moment, looking and feeling awkward.
He was glad that she spoke, asking a question so he could focus on that instead. He shrugged and said, “We can hope so but I don’t actually know. I just keep hoping the tides will change.”
April smiled half-heartedly and shrugged. “Hoping feels hard now, I don’t know why. But I am glad that you still have hope. But, if we did get to leave, you would probably go back to your home, right?”
“I have hope for everyone else,” Phobia said. Her question gave him pause. In all honesty, he didn’t see a life for himself after the island. He didn’t see a happily ever after for himself. He could picture it for everyone else but not himself. He was okay with that. He simply shook his head and said, “No. I don’t think I have a home to go back to.”
Frowning, April just nodded a little and sighed. She wanted to say something bright and hopeful and cheery like she usually did, but nothing came to mind. So she just changed the subject. “Do you want some cake? Or some candy?”
Phobia noticed the lack of cheery response and wondered if she was okay. Had he missed something while he was tied up with babysitting rugrats? A part of him wished he could tell her but he knew that would just put her in danger. He didn’t want to do that.
“Want to try the cake?” Phobia asked, letting her change the subject, “I would suggest you try it with someone nearby just in case.” He fidgeted slightly. What if she hated it?
Curious, April furrowed her brow. “Why with someone nearby? And of course I want to try! Cake is always good, and I bet its even better since you made it.” She smiled a little and went to get plates and utensils so they could both have some cake.
“In case one of us chokes. Death by cake,” Phobia replied, sounding serious but being only actually half serious. He hoped. Maybe he really should have bought a cake. He could have done the sprinkles himself. Then he could have calmed some credit.
“So what’s going on with you?” Phobia asked, “You seem… quieter.”
Blinking, April watched Phobia wide-eyed before smiling. “You’re just being silly. Cake couldn’t kill someone, cake wouldn’t do that to anyone.” She went about cutting them each a slice and adding a fork to the plate before handing one over to him. When he asked the question, April hesitated before answering. “I kind of got into trouble the other day.”
Phobia thanked her for the cake slice and poked it tentatively with a fork. He smirked and said, “Maybe not normal cake but this is cake baked by me.” Fear incarnate baked a cake. How deadly.
The mirth on his died when she said she got in trouble. Immediately he was concerned and he asked, “What happened? By who?”
Sitting at the table with her cake, April took a bite of a piece before answering. It was kind of burnt, but she still loved it because he took the time and made the effort to make it for her. “By a guard. He yelled at me for talking about my old life. So, I don’t think I should talk about that stuff or think about it anymore. I think I’m going to tell Rose that I don’t want to learn to dance anymore.”
“He yelled at you for talking about your old life?” Phobia repeated, “What’s it to him? He has no right to yell at you for that or to try to take that away.” He shook his head, angry at how the guards treated people. April had every right to have whatever life she wanted and to talk about it.
“Do you still want to learn?” Phobia asked.
April frowned, staring at the table as she considered his questions. “Maybe he was right, though. It’s not my life anymore. And everyone else here had lives before they had to forget, so I should forget mine too. I won’t ever have that life back, so I should just stop trying to remember.”
April finally looked to Phobia and shrugged with a sad little smile. “I don’t know. What’s the point? I wanted to learn because I wanted to remember who I am. But that’s not me anymore. I don’t know who I am supposed to be here, other than the one who is always confused and can’t do anything very well. I don’t like that, but maybe I just need to get used to it, stop fighting it, you know?”
“I don’t know,” Phobia said. He sat down at the table next to April, “You’re right. If you don’t know who you are here, then you need to find out who you are and take the opportunity to be whoever you want. If you want to learn to dance so you can find out a piece of yourself? You learn to dance. Most of us here, yeah, we have different lives now but we know who we were and if you want that, you should. No matter what anyone says and if that guard gets in your face again, I’ll defend you. You deserve to remember, if that’s what you want. Never stop fighting for you, April.”
April listened carefully as he spoke, taking Phobia’s advice very seriously. She trusted him more than anyone, and if he thought she should do something, it was probably something she should and would do. But talking about this made her feel confused and upset and she didn’t want to dwell on that. She ate another piece of cake and then nodded to his slice. “Do you like it? I like it.”
Phobia took a bit of the cake and hesitated, “Uh… I’m just going to thank you for liking the cake. I’ve definitely had better.” He hesitated again and then reached over and took April’s hand, squeezing it lightly, “I’ll drop this if you want me to but you don’t need to be afraid. I meant what I said before, I have hope for everyone where and maybe while we are all stuck here, we can have happiness too.”
April was surprised when Phobia took her hand but she didn’t pull away. She smiled a little and nodded to his words. “It’s good cake because you made it. And I’m scared all the time, mostly, so this isn’t anything different really. But thank you. And I want you to be happy too. How do we make you happy?”
If he was more of a huggie person, he would have hugged her but he didn’t. He squeezed her hand again and said, “Well, thank you for liking the cake. Though I promise the candy is better. I did not make that.” He wished that his ability was also able to take away fear. Instead he could sense and recreate it. It wasn’t entirely helpful. The mist thing proved helpful but that’s about it. He wished he knew how to make April’s fears go away.
“I don’t know,” Phobia confessed, “I… I’m not unhappy. I’m just… me. That’s close enough, right?”
April watched him curiously. They’d had this sort of conversation before so she didn’t want to push it. “Thank you for the cake and the candy gifts, I really really love them. You cheered me up a lot. Are you still feeling hidey? I tried not to bother you.”
Phobia was surprised when she said she tried not to bother him. He hugged on his sleeves and said, “You don’t need to do that. Avoid me when… I mean, unless you want to avoid me.” Maybe that was more of the truth, she didn’t want to be around him when he was in a mood. He couldn’t blame her. April and Ashe should really become friends, they could start a support group.
“I’m glad you like them,” Phobia said, “So what are you doing tomorrow on your actual namesake day?”
Blinking, April shook her head. “I wouldn’t ever want to avoid you! I like being around you, you make me feel happier. I just didn’t want to be a pest when you were feeling hidey and were busy.”
April shrugged to his question. “Nothing special. Just working. Oh yeah, I have a job now.”
“You wouldn’t be a pest. Sometimes I just need a kick in the ass,” Phobia said. He did live in his head entirely too much and for the most part that was safer for everyone. He was a miserable person, he knew that. He liked hearing that April liked being around him. It was confusing but in a good way.
He looked at her and asked, “You have a job? And they are making you work your birthday?”
Confused, April frowned. “Why would someone need to kick you in the butt?” She obviously didn’t get the term. But she just smiled a little and nodded in response. “Yeah, I work at the coffee shop now. Just cleaning up things and making sure everything is refilled and things like that. And I didn’t exactly tell anyone that it’s my birthday tomorrow so… why not? I didn’t have anything special planned anyway.”
“To motivate me,” Phobia replied, “To get me out of bed.” Or out of the corner, depending on his mood. Though he hadn’t floated in a corner in a while.
Phobia smirked and asked, “You are a coffee fairy now? Remind me to swing by to visit you sometime.” He didn’t know why that amused him but it did. He was quiet for a moment then asked, “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“You don’t get out of bed? Are you sick? Or tired? Sometimes if I changed too much, I get really really tired and stay in bed a long time.” She was a little worried, was Phobia sick and she didn’t know?
April smiled a little but shook her head. “Oh, no! I don’t touch the coffee. I think people would get mad if I messed that up. People are very serious about their coffee. I just help out.” She hesitated before answering the other question. “I don’t know. No one else says anything about their birthdays until they’re over, and it doesn’t seem like people want to hear about fun things anymore. Besides, it’s not really a real birthday anyway. You’re the only one who knows its tomorrow.”
Phobia was not expecting the questions. He raised his hands in defeat and shook his head. He wasn’t sure how to explain it. He was fine. He wasn’t depressed or anything. He was just Phobia.
“No, I’m fine, April. Just sometimes life gets overwhelming so I avoid everything,” Phobia said, “Ashe has always told me that it’s not the best way to deal with things and he’s probably right. I just … time away, I guess. I don’t know. Don’t worry about me, okay?”
Phobia thought about that for a moment. He didn’t think she would mess it up but he assumed the coffee fairy knew what he was doing. He shook his head again, “We all need fun things. Okay. So do you want to do something fun post work tomorrow?”
April nodded in understanding, but she was pretty sure she couldn’t not worry about him. But she was try, if that was what he wanted. “It would be nice to do something fun. I miss having fun things to do.”
Phobia nodded and then said, “Awesome. Maybe text me once you are done work and I’ll swing by. Better yet, I’ll go get us real cake and not something I burnt and then I’ll come over. Okay?” Maybe he’ll try to find her a balloon. He bet that April would like a balloon.
“Okay.” April brightened again and nodded. She was just happy to hear that he wanted to hang out again tomorrow. “But, you don’t have to get another cake. I like this cake, this cake is perfect.”
“Well. If you insist,” Phobia said, certain that his cake wasn’t worth defending. But April seemed to like it so maybe he won’t knock it too bad. He offered her a tiny smile and said, “Then I’ll look forward to it tomorrow.”
“Me too. I missed hanging out with you. What should we do?” She almost bounced with excitement, but tried to contain herself. She didn’t want to make it weird, she just wanted to spend time with him again.
Phobia flashed her the quickest of smiles. What should they do? His first instinct was to suggest they do something that doesn’t require going out. Like movies or something. Then he wondered if he should be suggesting something where they could go out and April could be happy and social. He wasn’t sure what to suggest then.
“I am not sure what to suggest,” Phobia admitted, “A part of me wants to say something outside or something. Or movies. Or something.”
Biting her lip, April smiled bigger when Phobia smiled. She liked seeing him happy, or at least what she assumed to be happy. “I like movies, we could watch movies.”
Phobia was glad that she picked that. He nodded and said, “I have some movies at home I can bring over. Unless you have any you want to see here? Or Netflix?” He made a note to pick up more snacks and whatnot.
April thought for a moment before shrugging. “I don’t really know any movies. People keep telling me about some but then I forget. So maybe you could bring your favorites? Or you can choose something on Netflix.”
Phobia paused. He could bring his favourites. Maybe he could find something for the both of them. He would figure it out. Maybe bring a bit of everything and have April choose.
“Text me when you are done work tomorrow and I’ll head over then,” Phobia said, to confirm. He had all day now to find food and good movies for the both of them.
“Okay! I’m looking forward to it!” April smiled, excited for their plans for tomorrow.