Who: April 14th and Phobia What: A file When: February 7, 2018 Where: April's then the beach
Phobia looked at the file again. April deserved to know the information inside. She probably also deserved to be told in the most gentle way possible so the question was why did he have the file and why was he heading over to her place to tell her? He wasn’t gentle. He wasn’t nice. He knew this. Really, anyone else would be better at doing this but here he was, knocking on her door, holding the file behind him. Maybe he should have brought candy. She seemed to like candy. Here, have some candy and by the way, you were a dancer?
Maybe she wasn’t home. He took a step back. He could come back later. Yup. She wasn’t home. He’d come back later.
April was home. And she was excited because someone was knocking on her door. She rarely got visitors, so this was exciting. Granted, she was excited by a lot of things most people were not, but still, a visitor! Opening the door, April smiled in greeting and the smile brightened when she saw Phobia. “Hi!”
She was home. He hadn’t really given enough time to judge and she was clearly home. Or he could turn into shadows and disappear but then he would drop the file. Also she had seen him already and that was just rude.
“Hi,” Phobia said then added, “I didn’t bring candy.” That would be reason to turn him away, right? He was just being nervous. Someone else should really be doing this.
April tilted her head, confused. “Were you supposed to bring candy?” She stepped aside and waved him in. “Come in. I have candy, do you want some?”
Phobia hesitated before stepping into the house and said, “I wasn’t. I just remembered you like candy and…” too many words. He took a deep breath, “I’m good. I wanted to talk to you. You have a moment?”
April smiled. “That was nice of you to remember.” Moving into the living room, she dropped down to sit on the couch, figuring he would do the same. “Yeah, I’m not busy. What do you want to talk about?”
Phobia sat down on the other end of the couch and looked to her. He was really bad at this. He placed the file on his lap. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought it. He should have made Remy do this or someone else.
“You were a dancer,” he blurted out. Yup. He sucked at this.
April noticed the file but she didn’t ask about it yet. He obviously had something on his mind and she was going to try not to be distracting or change the subject just because she was curious. When he spoke, April just smiled a little, confused. “What?”
“I found some information about you,” Phobia said, “Or rather about who you were before you came to the island. I can tell you. Or show you if you want. Or we can pretend it doesn’t exist if you rather.” He was doing this really badly.
April’s eyes widened in surprise. “You did? How? No, I don’t want to pretend! I want to know!” She was excited to find out more, she was tired of wondering about things and feeling like she might never know. “What else do you know? And wait, a dancer? Like, for fun? How would you know that?”
What if she wasn’t so excited when she found out? What if she regretted finding out? Phobia didn’t want to ruin that hope she had in her. His fingers tapped against the file.
“I found some information and it had details. As to your birth name, where you grew up, where you lived before here,” Phobia said, his fingers tapping against the file.
April nodded eagerly, waiting for him to continue. When he didn’t, she frowned a little. “Is it bad? Is that why you’re being weird about it? I still want to know, even if it isn’t good stuff. It’s better to know the truth than to always be wondering.”
“Your name Victoria Karen Riley and you were born May 4, 1999,” Phobia repeated. That much he had memorized out of the file, “You were a professional dancer but there were suspicions of abuse from home and… then things turn to shit.” He looked to her, hesitating. Should he continue?
April bit her lip as she listened. None of what he said felt familiar, and that was surprising. She kind of figured once she found out who she was, it would all come flooding back. But nothing did. She thought about her name and birthdate for a long while before focusing on what else he said. “A professional dancer? Like, as a job? I guess that means I was pretty good, right?” The abuse part she kind of glazed over, for now, but she had heard it. “What else?”
Phobia was quiet, letting her take it in. He was basically throwing all this at her. Was there a better way of doing this? He looked down at the file.
He nodded and said, “Very good,” he paused and held out the file, “This is you. Or what was found, anyway. If you want to read it? Or,” he paused again, “I can go through it with you?” He remembered she said she had trouble reading and he had trouble reading some of the reports in there. It was full of jargon and he googled some things so he could understand it. He didn’t understand it any better.
April smiled, glad to hear that she had been good at something. That made her a little proud, even if she couldn’t exactly remember it. She hesitantly took the file, knowing that reading it was going to take a long time and be hard to understand. For now, she just wanted to know the basics. “So… you read everything in here? Do I have a family? Are they looking for me?”
“Most?” Phobia said, “Some parts felt too personal,” or he didn’t understand it. He paused at the question of family, “Your mom passed away and it doesn’t say who your father is.” He didn’t want to say no one was looking for her. He didn’t want to think that was the case, not for April. He also didn’t want to admit that was probably fact. Besides, once on the island, you were basically lost.
April’s smile faded slightly, but she just nodded. She didn’t think she had anyone before, so finding out that there was no one left now shouldn’t be something to make her sad. She’d think about that later. Silent for a while, she tried to think of something to say as she looked over the file. She wasn’t really reading anything, just staring at the pages. Finally, she looked to him with a smile. “Thank you. For giving me my life back.”
Phobia felt bad when her smile faded. What right did he have to tell her these things? What right did he have not to tell her? She deserved to know, even if it hurt. They all deserved their history.
If he was a hugging man, he would have hugged her then. He merely nodded and said, “You should know.”
April wanted to hug him, but she remembered that a) it was better to ask first, and b) he didn’t seem too thrilled with a hug last time. So even though she really wanted to, she held back and laughed a little. “I should be the one giving you candy! Are you sure you don’t want some? I have all kinds.”
Phobia shook his head and said, “I’m alright,” he paused, “Though maybe I should ask what you have so I can tell Ashe.” He was going to get Ashe to cook her something.
“Come see!” April set the file aside and headed into the kitchen, expecting him to follow. She really did have a little bit of every kind of candy imaginable, from chocolates to pixie sticks and twizzlers to gum balls. She didn’t have a ton of each type, but at least a little for every kind of taste. Besides, even if she didn’t eat it, it made her happy to just have it there. It was colorful and fun. Thinking about what he’d said, April looked at the candy with a frown. “I guess I probably didn’t eat a lot of candy before like I thought. I don’t think dancers eat a lot of junk food.”
Phobia followed her to the kitchen was impressed with the amount of candy she had. He raised an eyebrow at her. It was like a candy store. He didn’t even know the island sold half this stuff. He had to make a mental note for later.
“Probably not but why not eat it now?” Phobia said with a shrug, “Do you think you want to try to learn to dance again?”
April nodded without hesitation. “Yes, definitely. Maybe trying to dance again will help me remember things, or at least remember how to dance. And it sounds fun. But…” April frowned and leaned against the counter thoughtfully. “Do you think there’s anyone else here that knows how to dance?”
“I’m sure there is. Or maybe just the basics,” Phobia shrugged, “I can ask around.” No, wait, that wasn’t true. He wouldn’t but he could ask others to ask for him and then pass the information back to April. That would be easier.
“Really? Thank you! You’re my hero.” April smiled, once again holding back on the urge to hug him. “Are you sure you don’t want any candy? Or anything? Something to eat or drink?” April didn’t really entertain, but it seemed like the polite thing to offer.
I’m not a hero, was on the tip of his tongue. He slid his hands into his hoodie pocket. His phone was in there and he turned it over, fidgeting.
“I’m good, thank you,” Phobia said, “Um, I’ll drop it but if there is anything else I can do about the file or anything…” he gave a half of shrug. There wasn’t much more he could do but he could offer.
Biting her lip lightly, she watched him before glancing back to the living room where she’d left the file. “Really? Are you sure? Maybe… maybe you could help me with reading some of it? There’s a lot of big words in there and I have enough trouble with the little ones.”
Phobia nodded and said, “I had trouble too with a few pages. Where it got technical,” he paused then asked, “Did you mind that I read it? It was private and…” he trailed off. Maybe he had no right to read it. It was her life, after all.
April tilted her head as she watched him before just smiling and shaking her head no. “You’re my friend. It’s better that you read it than a stranger. It is private, but I’m not a secretive person. And I didn’t know any of that stuff anyway to want it hidden in the first place.”
Of course she could say that. She didn’t know what was in it. She didn’t know about the medical reports or the experiments. She just knew about the dancing. Why keep that private? There was no reason to think otherwise. Then he paused.
“I’m your friend?” he asked, surprised by that.
Equally surprised by the question, April just nodded. “Yes. You stopped me from going into the scary place, and then walked with me, and agreed to come to the support group with me, and to go bring our IDs back. And then you came here today and brought me back my life. That’s kind of like the best friend someone could ever have.” It seemed pretty simple to April.
Phobia blinked at her. She honestly believed that? Yes, he did those things but that didn’t mean they were friends. Not that he didn’t want to be friends with her but people didn’t want to be friends with him. People didn’t like him. Fear twisted at Phobia for a moment; if April was his friend that meant it had potential for him to screw this up and she would end up hating him too.
“That-” he stammered for a moment, “That’s nothing special.”
“Nothing special?” April laughed as she repeated him. “It’s the nicest and best thing anyone has ever done for me. That I remember, but I am pretty sure it’s still at the top even if I did remember.” Deciding to just go for it, she moved to him quickly and gave him a tight hug.
Phobia was surprised by the hug but then again he was pretty surprised by the whole thing as a whole. It wasn’t special. It was the right thing to do. He didn’t have to think about it. He did it because that’s what a good person did.
Except he really wasn’t a good person. Or anyone’s friend. He failed at that. He was a terrible friend to Ashe. He ruined his friendship with Daryn. It was a matter of time, wasn’t it?
“I, um,” Phobia had no idea what to say.
April stepped back from the hug and watched him curiously. He didn’t hug back, again. Which probably meant he really didn’t like hugs and she ought to stop with the hugging. “Are you okay?”
Phobia nodded quickly and said, “I don’t make friends well. Or keep them long. I’m just… surprised you’d want to be my friend.” He still didn’t think what he did was a big deal. Why would it be? Wouldn’t she do it for someone else?
April wasn’t sure how else to explain it after everything she’d already said. So she just shrugged. “I don’t want to be your friend. I am your friend, if you’ll have me.” In her mind, it didn’t need to be a complicated thing. Either you were friends with someone, or you were not. And April definitely preferred friendship over the alternative. “And you haven’t been friends with me before, so maybe this time it will be easy and last a long time?”
Phobia couldn’t really keep arguing with her. He just had to believe her and hope he didn’t screw this up too. So he nodded and said, “I hope so.” He supposed if he did screw it up, it would just be like everything in his life lately. He would deal with it. He just really hoped he wouldn’t lose this.
Watching him closely, April could tell that he wasn’t so sure about this. Deciding to just leave it be for now, she tried to think of a change of subject. Going over the file felt like it might be too much for right now. “Do you want to go for another walk? Or… we could color, I have books and pencils and crayons and markers.”
Phobia had not been asked to colour with someone since he was a child. If then. It was almost enough for him to agree. How nice would it be to sit there and colour, like everything was fine in the world? But it wasn’t and they couldn’t go back to a time where things were safe. He couldn’t.
“We could go for a walk,” Phobia said.
“Okay!” April went to get her coat and her keys, eager to go for a walk with him. “Where do you want to walk to? I don’t ever really go anywhere but the Marketplace. I’m afraid I’ll get lost otherwise.”
“You haven’t explored around here?” Phobia asked, raising an eyebrow at her, “Seriously? Don’t you get bored of the Marketplace?” He supposed they could do a walk down to the beach or something, something that wasn’t the Marketplace and epically boring.
April just shrugged. “There’s always lots of people there, so it’s a good place to meet people. And there’s food there, which is always good. The Facility is scary, and staying home is more boring than anything else. So it’s not so bad. When I first got here, I got lost all the time, sometimes I couldn’t even find my house because they all look the same! But then I put a ribbon on my doorknob so now I always know which place is mine.”
“You been down to the beach?” Phobia asked, not sure how to respond to the fact that she got lost all the time. Someone should have been there to help. Why was the government constantly doing the wrong thing? Why couldn’t they just help someone? “Maybe not somewhere to go by yourself but it’s pretty.”
April shook her head but smiled. “I haven’t gone there, but I would like to see it. It sounds pretty, at least what I imagine beaches must be like. Why is it not somewhere to go alone?” Leading him out, she locked the door behind them and then let him show her the way to go to their destination.
Phobia waited for her to lock the door and began to lead the way before answering, “Sometimes guards hang out on the beach and they aren’t always the nicest. It could be safe but better to be over cautious than sorry later, right?”
April nodded with a little frown. She’d had a few run ins with guards, but nothing too bad had happened, so far. But she also didn’t want to know how bad it could be. “Yeah. I don’t think I would go by myself to a lot of places around here anyway. The guards don’t like me. I don’t think they like anyone, really, but they’re mean to me because they think I’m dumb.”
“They don’t like anyone,” Phobia said. He smirked, “They don’t really like me but the last time I ran into a guard, I flicked spiders in his face until he left. That is probably a good reason to not like me.” He looked to April and nudged her, “Who cares what they think? They are nothing and they are wrong.”
April nodded a little but then blinked at him. “You can do that? Just… make spiders? Are they real?” April wasn’t afraid of spiders, but they were creepy crawly and sometimes that was uncomfortable. But she didn’t mind bugs, for some reason. Shrugging, April looked around as they walked, trying to remember the way. “I don’t understand why they are like that. I guess I can’t complain too much, the worst that ever happened was one pushed me down. That’s not so bad considering what they do to other people.”
“Someone nearby needs to be afraid of them and I can manifest them,” Phobia said, “And yes, they are real and they are annoying as anything to get out of clothing.” But it had been worth it at the time. The other guard had ran off when he had flicked the first spider. Phobia looked to April and said, “Because they are asshole who take advantage of their power and that is not right.”
April nodded slowly, looking to the ground now in thought. “Maybe they’re not all so bad? Maybe it’s just the bad ones that we remember because they give us trouble?” April was trying to be hopeful about this, but it was much harder than being hopeful about other things.
“Isn’t that like saying maybe not all Nazis were bad?” Phobia asked, “They follow the rules. They enforce them. They look the other way. Doesn’t that make them bad by association?”
April furrowed her brow, looking to him as he spoke. “What are Nazis?” They sounded bad, so she got the point, but she didn’t know specifically who he was talking about.
Phobia frowned. He should have remembered about the history lessons so he simply replied with, “Very bad men who hurt people a long time ago.” She didn’t really need the history lesson now, that wasn’t the point. The point was that people who do nothing to help others are just as bad.
April just nodded, taking his word for it. Shoving her hands down into her pockets, she decided maybe they needed a topic change. “Is it weird if I still want to be called April? Even though I know it’s not my real name, and I know what it supposed to be now?”
“That’s not weird,” Phobia said. He shrugged and said, “I came here and took another name. Didn’t you say before about a new beginning? This is yours and you are April.”
That made April smile. She was pretty sure she wasn’t going to tell anyone her real name, she felt like April now, she was April now. But something he said confused her. “Your real name isn’t Oliver?”
He had almost forgotten that he had told her his name was Oliver. That was a stupid moment, a fleeting hope to be normal for five seconds. Right. He wasn’t normal.
“My real name is Oliver but most people call me Phobia,” he said, “It’s usually the name I give them. Oliver… was another person.” A happier person. Someone with a future.
April nodded a little and then frowned. “Then why did you tell me your real name? I like Oliver better than Phobia. But...do you not want me to call you that anymore?” She didn’t really think she would think of him as Phobia, but if that was the name he wanted her to use she would do it.
Phobia shrugged again and said, “A stupid thought of being normal for a moment,” he looked to her and said, “You can call me Oliver if you want. My roommate does. He thinks I am more than just my abilities.”
April shook her head and smiled. “I don’t think it’s stupid. I think it’s a nice idea, to try to be normal. We can do that together, try to be normal. Besides, I think your roommate is right. So I will call you Oliver, if you don’t mind too much.”
“I don’t think normal is in the cards,” Phobia said softly. At least not for him. He probably shouldn’t say that. She was wanting normal. She deserved hope. He glanced to her, adding, “At least for me.” That helped, right?
Frowning, April nudged him lightly. “No, for you too. You haven’t done anything not-normal around me. And even if you did, I wouldn’t mind. Maybe not-normal can be our normal?” It sounded like a good idea to April, but lots of things seemed like good ideas to her but not to others.
“What do you consider not normal?” Phobia asked. He was pretty sure being able to turn into people’s fears and sulking as a shadow was not normal. He was pretty sure living on this island was not normal. But maybe it should be normal. Except wasn’t that what they were fighting against?
April watched him for a minute and then shrugged. “I don’t know. I think you’re nicer to me than some people around here, and you talk to me, and you don’t seem to think I’m stupid or a waste of time and that’s how people should be treated so that is normal. And you do that, so you’re normal. The other stuff, all of us do weird things, so it’s normal for us. And I think you like to be difficult, but that’s okay.”
Phobia looked at her. Did he like to be difficult? He didn’t know how to respond to that. So he crosses his arms in front of him, a little grumpily and said, “Fine. Our not-normal can be our normal. We are normal.” Hmph.
April watched him pout for a moment before bursting into giggles. “You seem so excited about that. Do you want to be not-normal instead? What do you want to be? We’ll be whatever that is.”
Phobia was bordering on being pouty. What if he didn’t know the answer to that question? Or better yet that he knew the answer and knew that the answer would never be reality?
“Normal-not normal is fine,” Phobia said, “Or no labels. Why label what we are?”
April just smiled and nodded. “Okay, then we will just be. Is that okay?” She wasn’t really sure why the words were so important to him, but she made a note of it and tried to be better about it. She looked around, wondering how far away the beach was. It was an island, it couldn’t be quite that far.
Phobia nodded. They turned a corner and ta-da a beach in all it’s wintery glory. Waves washed against the shore and he thought about the times he walked in the water in the summer. He looked down the stretch of beach. He liked it here. Sometimes he wished someone was afraid of fish so he could swim out there. Of course he would get too far and turn into himself again and then probably drown. Not the best escape plan.
“What do you think?” Phobia asked.
Walking along with him, April looked to the beach when the arrived and smiled brightly. It was beautiful, much better than she expected. “Oh! It’s amazing. Why are there not more people down here?” She hesitated for a moment before running down to the water to get a closer look. “It’s… so far away. I thought it would be closer.”
Phobia followed behind her and shrugged at her question, “There are probably more people in the summer when it’s warmer. People don’t tend to like to be wet when it’s cold.” He followed her to the water, staying back a bit. He just wore running shoes and he was not too inclined to walk with wet shoes on the way home.
“What is so far away?” he asked. The beach? Or the mainland because that? Was much too far away.
She pointed out to the mainland and looked back to him. “They really don’t want us there, do they?” Looking back out at the water, April plopped down to sit in the sand, not really caring if she got wet or dirty in the process. “Do you go swimming in the summer?”
“They don’t,” Phobia said. They didn’t want them anywhere but exactly where they were. Or in the ground, perhaps. Phobia shook his head, “Not really. Wading maybe but they don’t let us out too far and I’m not a strong swimmer.”
April just frowned. They weren’t even allowed to have fun and swim? That didn’t seem fair. She stayed quiet for now, just watching the waves.
Did he make her go quiet? He put his arms around himself, trying to keep warm off the ocean chill. This was why he wasn’t a good friend. He rained on everything. He was quiet for a few moments before saying, “Sorry.”
Looking back to him, April was confused. “Sorry for what? You didn’t make the rules. Are you cold? Do you want to go back?” April kind of wanted to stay and watch the waves for a while, but she could always do that some other time.
“I’m fine,” Phobia said, “I didn’t make the rules but it’s not easy living here, is it? They make the rules and we have to follow. It’s hard sometimes.” He shrugged.
April watched him but wasn’t convinced that he was fine. Deciding not to push for now, she looked back out at the water. “Do you want to sit with me? Or do you want to walk back now?”
“We can stay a while,” he looked next to her, “Is the sand cold? Or wet?” He didn’t mind the dirt but he didn’t want the damp. He didn’t mind standing anyway. He supposed he could sit with her another way. He took a deep breath and allowed himself to shift into shadows, just his lower half so he could float on top of the sand. There. No damp.
April looked to Phobia as he moved to sit beside her. The turning to shadows thing was kind of cool. And useful, apparently. She smiled to him and then looked back to the water. “This is nice, right?”
Phobia looked out to the water. He liked the sounds of the water and the shore. It was peaceful. As much as he hated the island, maybe, he couldn’t hate this place right now. He looked to her for a moment then also back at the water, nodding, “It’s quiet here.”
April smiled brightly to him when he looked to her and nodded in response. She was usually pretty chatty, as he probably already noticed, but here it just felt right to be quiet and calm. It matched the setting and April liked feeling that kind of harmony. “I bet this is a nice place to come when everything else feels like too much.”
“Probably,” Phobia said, “I don’t usually come here then. I usually,” he gestured to the shadows. It was easier to let go then. “But maybe this is a nice alternative.”
April nodded with a little smile. She tended to hide out when things got to be overwhelming, but maybe next time she would try to come here. If it seemed safe. “Maybe.”