Who: Remy Norris and Phobia (Oliver Fenn) What: Talking When: January 16, 2018 Where: Phobia/ Ashe’s
After seeing Daryn, Phobia was in a right mood. He had gone straight home and locked himself in his room. He fought with his emotions, fought with the pride he had felt when Daryn said she was impressed, fought with the hurt that it must have been all lies, hurt that he fought with Daryn and fought with the shame of how he treated Daryn. A part of him thought he should go back, try to make amends but he didn’t want to. Could he even make amends? Did he even need to? He was immature and not ready. Once in his room, he allowed himself to dissipate into shadows, hanging low in corners or up in the ceiling. He ignored Ashe’s knocks, deciding this was just easier. He wasn’t hope and rainbows. He couldn’t spread hope to others. What had he said before? Fear caused division and he was nothing but fear.
Monday came and Phobia knew, somewhere, that he should go to that support meeting. He hadn’t checked his messages. He didn’t know if Zayne or Thursday had tried to reach out. Did it matter? They were the social ones. They would thrive and what would he do? He kept as shadows and darkness and let the event pass. Fucking bake sales.
Tuesday rolls around and Phobia was losing track of time. Eventually he would need to deal with this mess but what was the point? He’d go to the protest. He would watch and make sure the government didn’t make things worst. He was shadows. He belonged in the background. He wasn’t hope. He wasn’t rainbows. He was immature. He wasn’t ready. He was lost in those thoughts, missing the knock on the door, the low voices and the steps towards his room. He assumed it was Ashe again and he ignored it as the door open and someone came inside. He wasn’t reforming. Fuck it.
—-
Remy had been disappointed when he didn’t see Phobia at the support group. He would have understood if the young man hadn’t been overly chatty or cheery but he had expected to see him. He wasn’t sure if he should be angry or worried when he wasn’t there so he gave Phobia until Tuesday evening before he went looking for him.
Heading over to the house Remy was pleased when Ashe let him in. He spoke to him for a few minutes and frowned when he heard that Phobia had been shut in his room for a while and wouldn’t even respond to Ashe. This wasn’t good.
Stepping into Phobia’s room Remy stepped over to the couch and sat down, looking around at the shadows. “Hello, Oliver. I think we should talk.”
—-
Phobia was surprised to find himself wishing it had been Ashe. Maybe he would have been more willing to go back to himself if it was. Instead of was Remy, which probably meant that Daryn had talked to him and told him everything. Which might meant that Remy looked at him the same way and that surprised Phobia to realise that bothered him too. So no. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to deal with this. He was quite content being shadows and darkness. The shadows crept up to a higher corner against the ceiling. That was his response. Leave him alone.
---
Remy sighed softly as he saw the shadows shift. Leaning back against the wall he crossed his arms across his chest. At least Phobia could hear him. “You weren’t at the meeting yesterday. I was hoping you were just busy but Ashe said you were hiding so I wanted to come check on you. I assume you’re not just pouting because you didn’t want to be social. Want to tell me what happened?”
—-
Not hiding. Maybe hiding. Phobia didn’t want to talk. He wondered if he could push what happened, everything, the memory to Remy. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to do that either. He shifted and slid down to the floor, forming just enough so he could speak.
“You spoke to Daryn?” he asked before dissolving into shadows again.
---
Remy was glad when he at least showed himself enough to speak. “No. I saw her at the meeting but we haven’t spoken since she moved back to her place. Did something happen?”
—-
Phobia wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He didn’t want to come together again. He didn’t want to speak. He didn’t want to speak about this. He climbed back up the wall and took the highest corner. Safe. Away from everything.
You aren’t here to demote me? Kick me out? Phobia thought at Remy. He had no idea if it would work. His head felt cloudy. He didn’t care.
---
Remy frowned at the questions from Phobia. He was not expecting that. “No. That’s not why I can. I was worried about you when you weren’t at the support group. Do you think you should be demoted or kicked out?” What the hell had happened?
—-
So thinking at Remy worked. Like it did with Daryn. He clung to his shadows, darkening. He tried to throw his thoughts at Remy, what Daryn had said. He couldn’t hold onto them enough. He slid down the wall, trying to hold onto himself without letting go of the shadows.
I went over. To see how she was. Started talking about weapons training. She wanted me to start then. I hesitated. I-I didn’t want to hurt her. She said I wasn’t ready. Started going on about guards won’t hesitate to hurt me if I’m hurt. Said I’d be better off with you. Immature. I showed her fears. Then left. His thoughts were choppy. He didn’t want to think of what happened to hard. He didn’t want to talk about this. Up the wall he went again.
---
Remy took in what he was getting from Phobia. He I understood the training bit. And the part about him hesitating and Daryn’s reaction. That didn’t surprise him. But then he got a little confused. “Did she call you immature or is that something you felt?” He wanted to understand everything that happened before trying to work through it.
—---
Called me immature, Phobia responded. He shifted lower to the ground. Argh. He could feel the tickle of Remy’s fears. He wanted to remain shadows and darkness. He didn’t want to become ants. Doesn’t matter. Not ready. Not what you need. Go.
---
Remy took a deep breath and let it out slowly. What the fuck happened with Daryn? He really wanted to ask her but he wasn’t going to step away to do that. “I’m not leaving. You’re important and I would disagree with you not being what you need. And I can help you get ready.” Remy sat up straighter. “I don’t think you’re immature. But you definitely need training. And it’s not going to be easy so you’re going to have to want it and to want to put in the work.”
—-
Phobia grabbed ahold of himself and forced himself to become himself. Shadows and darkness swirled at his feet as he stood up and faced Remy.
“I want it. I want to be valuable and do what is needed. I hesitated because I didn’t want to cause her more pain. Apparently, that is wrong,” an angry smirk crossed his face, “Besides, she says I don’t need training. I can put people down on my own. So if you excuse me,” he looked to the door. Shit. He could feel the creepys on his hand again. He shook his hand and looked down. Ants. Fucking Remy. Couldn’t he be afraid of something else?
---
Remy raised his eyebrows at Phobia. He moved to stand but didn’t move toward the door. “I’m not going to speak to Daryn’s actions. That’s between the two of you. But..” Remy made a quick move to knock Phobia’s feet out from under him, sending him to the floor and had him pinned in a heartbeat. He looked down at him and wasn’t even breathing hard. “You can’t always rely on your powers.” He climbed off of Phobia then stood and offered a hand. “I believe that you want to be valuable and that you will be. But you need to find a middle ground between being hesitant and cocky. I can help you with that.”
---
That’s between the two of you echoed in Phobia’s head. No. Because she could always make the move to exclude him. Why wouldn’t she? She didn’t think he was ready. Worthy. Enough. He didn’t get much further with those thoughts before he found himself on the floor, the wind knocked out of him. It was all he could do not to fall back into his abilities and strike back.
“You don’t need to tell me I don’t have to rely on my powers,” Phobia grumbled, ignoring the hand and pushing himself up. “Checking to make sure she was okay with it is not being cocky.” Phobia opened his mouth to say something else then shut it. There was no point. He shouldn’t argue. He shrugged. Whatever he could be taught then. If there was a point.
---
“The cocky wasn’t referring to her. It was referring to the way you just acted toward me.” Remy straightened his shirt and sat back down on the bed, looking up at him. “First of all you’re not being kicked out. She would have told me, otherwise. So stop worrying about that.” He patted the bed beside him. “So, do you have any actual fight experience or weapon experience? Anything that could be considered self defense or offensive?”
---
“That wasn’t cocky. That was trying to be left alone,” Phobia grumbled. He looked up at the ceiling. It would be would easy to just go back up there. He rolled his eyes at what Remy said. Had she told Remy anything so far? It could change. He’d be on his own. Ashe would stay with the Faction. He had to. Shadows and darkness deepened around him as he tried to ignore that thought.
“Some,” Phobia replied, “My dad took me to a shooting range once and I have basic self defense. Go for the nuts.” Or the fears. That was easier and more effective.
---
“Yeah well if you haven’t figured it out yet you’ll learn that it’s not easy to get rid of me. I’m a serious pain in the ass.” Remy grinned at him. He really was a pain and he knew it and didn’t apologize for it. He waited to see if Phobia was going to take it or go back to being shadow. He was glad when he chose the former.
“Good start. And sometimes that’s still the best option.” Remy smiled. “I’d like to work with you on both. Get you some basic hand to hand and self defense so worst case scenario you’d have a backup plan. And then we’ll go shooting and work on that. As far as I’m concerned weapons are a last resort but if it came to that you need to know what you’re doing. As long as you’re willing to learn I’ll be glad to teach. Deal?”
---
“I’m pretty sure I can out pain you,” Phobia replied. He glanced up again. Easier. Once Remy left he would return up there. He looked back to Remy. Was he going to yell at him for missing the support group? He wondered if the Coffee Fairy was able to pull it off?
“I’m willing to learn,” Phobia replied. He nodded. Deal. Or whatever. What else did he have to do?
---
“Maybe. But I haven’t had a lot of practice lately.” Remy smiled at him. “Good. We’ll start tomorrow.” Remy nodded as if to put the final period on that statement. “Now, the main reason I was here was to find out why you weren’t at the support group last night. I assume now that you’ve been shut up in here since your … adventure with Daryn. Were you being pissy or did you really think we were kicking you out?” Remy wasn’t being a jerk, he really wanted to know how he felt.
---
Phobia nodded as well and sat down on the floor, crossing his legs. The question brought out more shadows and darkness, hiding his lower half. He didn’t notice. Or didn’t care. The answer was probably yes. To both. He wouldn’t call it an adventure. He would call it a lesson. He needed a reminder apparently.
Phobia half shrugged and said, “She just reminded me. I don’t do social. I don’t bring hope. The-” don’t call him that outloud, “other two are friendly. They probably handled it fine.”
---
Remy watched him, taking in Phobia’s movements and mannerisms as much as his actual words. He raised his eyebrows at the young man. “They did handle it fine. But that’s not the point. Not everyone is going to respond to ...well Zayne’s level of optimism. Sometimes people need to see someone who they can more … relate to. Someone who they believe feels the way they do and is still fighting back. That’s where you come in. You’re not going to be rainbows and sunshine. That’s not you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t bring hope. The kind of hope that comes with rainbows and unicorns is fiction. It’s not going to win a war and that’s damn near what this is. The kind of hope we need is the kind we fight for with blood, sweat and tears. The kind that helps you claw your way out of your own nightmares and allows you to sleep at night knowing that there’s a gun under your pillow.”
---
Phobia didn’t look at Remy. He stared down. His abilities were half eating him, half making him disappear into darkness. He let it swallow more of him. Remy thought he could bring hope. Remy was wrong. There were others in the organization that was better at that. They were good at that.
“Thursday was there too. He’s a fighter. He gives hope,” was Phobia’s response.
---
“Thursday is ….struggling.” Remy didn’t normally talk about other people, other members but in this case he thought it was important. “It took everything he had just to get to the meeting. He needs a bit of hope as much as anyone.” Remy sighed softly. “If you don’t want to be involved in the support group you don’t have to. It’s voluntary. But … think about it.” Remy shrugged. “You might be surprised.”
---
Phobia looked down. He felt bad for Thursday. He knew what happened on New Years. He looked better when he saw him at the diner. One of his arms weren’t in a cast, which was odd. He hadn’t questioned it. He shouldn’t have assumed that Thursday was fine. They were all hurting, weren’t they? It didn’t seem to be much point.
“I’ll think about it,” Phobia said softly.
---
Remy stayed still and quiet while Phobia worked through his thoughts. He tried to stay out of his head and just let him work through things himself. It wouldn’t do any good at the moment anyway.
“That’s all I’m asking.” Remy gave him a nod.
---
He knew the question now was what happened next. Phobia knew he should stop hiding in his room. Probably apologise to Ashe for being an ass and hiding. Talk to Thursday and the coffee fairy about the group. Talk to Daryn. He still didn’t want to do any of that.
“Protest is tomorrow,” Phobia said, “Do you need anything with that?”
---
Remy wasn’t going to help him with what to do next. He trusted Phobia to know what to do and to handle it. He was intelligent and resourceful and Remy believed he really was a good person. He’d figure it out.
“We’re going to need help getting the fire set up and getting people together. And .. if the shit hits the fan getting people out.”
---
Phobia did not believe he was a good person. He wouldn’t call himself a bad person. He didn’t do anything to hurt others but he also did not believe he was good. Good things happened to good people, didn’t they? He just wasn’t.
Phobia nodded, “I can assist with that. I’ll be there tomorrow night.” He wasn’t sure in what form but he could keep an eye out where needed.
---
Remy didn’t feel the need to boost up Phobia’s self esteem. He needed to figure out some of it on his own. Remy would help but he’d help him in less direct ways.
“Thank you for that.” Remy nodded. “I will definitely appreciate any help. And just having you around will be a good thing.”
---
“Especially if anything happens,” Phobia said, which he really hoped didn’t. He really hoped that they could have this night. He didn’t think they would be allowed to, especially if they were going to burn their IDs. It wasn’t going to happen.
---
Remy nodded and let out a sigh. “I suspect it’s going to be more a case of when, not if. But I’m hoping that it will be simple and peaceful and nothing will happen. I’m also realistic. So I’m planning for the worst and hoping for the best. I figure that’s the smartest and safest way to go.”
---
Phobia nodded. He felt the same. He didn’t think this would go quietly but at the same time, he hoped it would.
“Well, if there is anything specific you need from me, you know where to find me,” Phobia glanced up at the ceiling. He’d be there until the protest.