Sloppy Seconds Day 1: The Minister Will Hear of This Title: The Minister will hear of this Author:of_anoesis Pairing: Snape/Umbridge Rating: T Prompt: Asexual!Snape sees advantage in being with someone, even if he suffers of great boredom Content Information/Warnings: Spoilers for OooP, should anyone not have finished that particular tome yet. Summary: The Inquisitorial Squad weren't the only Slytherins to benefit under Dolores' rule. Author's Notes: This started as a far longer, much more involved piece, but I just couldn't wrangle all the pieces together. Huge thanks to desigrl who helped me see the light. This fic would not have been written without her unflinching aid.
He had been over generous with the raspberry pips; there was no other explanation for it.
Perhaps attempting to drug Hogwarts High Inquisitor and former Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic had been a step too far, but honestly, Severus had been at his wits end. It was all well and good for the Dark Lord to wish to recruit her to his cause, but He had the sort of personality that could charm Bellatrix bloody Lestrange.
Severus did not.
His attempts weren't helped by the woman herself. She was abrasive, impatient and rude. And short. The shortness had never really been an issue before, but if the kiss lasted any longer he would be in grave danger of throwing his back out. Severus was beginning to see her diminutive stature as a personal affront.
Perhaps the raspberries had been overripe? That was the danger with using ingredients out of season – you could never be certain of their quality. But surely a slight surfeit of fructose would not have been enough to engender this sort of reaction? Perhaps he had miscalculated the dosage?
Rearranging his grip on what he hoped to be her waist, Severus gave an experimental heft and felt his back twinge.
No, she certainly wasn't lighter than she looked.
Viewed academically, it was fascinating.
~*~
He had tried being nice to the woman, Merlin knew he had tried. He had praised her increased regulation of the employment of werewolves. He had ignored her petty barbs about his unsuccessful application for the DADA position. He had even refrained from hexing those porcelain monstrosities off her office walls, but none of it had won him so much as a proper thank you.
Between the Dark Lord's growing impatience and Dumbledore's antagonising of the Ministry, Severus had become increasingly desperate.
Dumbledore's untimely resignation made it all the more urgent that Umbridge be persuaded to look favourably upon him. Sybil Trelawney's abrupt dismissal had shaken him more that he had cared to admit. He might have Lucius on the Board of Governors and over fifteen years tenure, but if the Ministry began to go after teachers they believed to be sympathetic to Potter and Dumbledore, these connections might prove less than useless.
Desperate times called for desperate measures. Or cheating. Cheating could be good.
There were Lust Potions and there were Love Potions, but never before had there been a Like Potion. Severus was justifiably proud of his creation when it was finally brewed and bottled. If executed correctly, the potion would create slight feelings of warmth and kindred towards him. Botched, it would just land its victim in the hospital wing for a couple of days with something resembling stomach flu. The cleverest part was that the potion left the body through the skin, rendering it completely undetectable by standard tests.
Of course, it only worked on those foolish enough to allow themselves to be doped.
Thankfully Professor Umbridge was not the sort of person to check for stray potions in her food.
~*~
At first, it had seemed to work brilliantly. Dolores had said please when demanding Veritaserum to drug Potter into a confession. Requests for ingredients and equipment that had sat on Albus' desk for the last six weeks were suddenly granted without argument. She had even gone as far as to ask for his opinion on school matters and had promised to feed his proposed changes to the Potions syllabus back to the Minister for consideration.
She had even started smiling at him. Smiling. At him.
When he received a summons to her office – still next to the DADA classroom while the gargoyles smugly refused her entry to the headmaster's tower – Severus hoped that it might be for something other than a lecture about the behaviour of his third years.
There was an odd tang in the air, barely noticeable beneath the perfume of the pot pourri that filled each decorative pot or bowl. Severus sniffed at the air, trying to discern what it might be. Then she offered him the DADA role starting the next school term, and he forgot everything else in a moment of complete and total satisfaction.
At which point she pounced
~*~
It was rather humbling, really. All that effort and all he'd managed to do was create yet another Lust Potion.
Of course, he still blamed it on the raspberry pips. Mulpepper was going to receive a very strongly worded letter once he managed to extricate himself from her clammy grasp. Was there an established way to stop a woman from kissing you without offending her? Severus was wise enough to know that his immediate happiness relied very much upon the woman and he had no wish to antagonise her.
With her hard eyes and stubborn line of a mouth, he'd expected her to be a trifle cold. Currently she was running her tongue along the seam of his lips in an effort to deepen the already tiresome kiss. Part of him hoped that they might still engage on a more cerebral, less moist, level. The hope faded as her determined tongue entered his mouth.
Severus sighed deeply and had to bite back a snort of amusement as she responded with a lusty moan. He repositioned his hands slightly, to give the impression that he was actually taking part, and started to consider an antidote.
Still, the situation was not all bad. There was nothing particularly repellent about the woman currently attempting to climb into his lap while he stood, once you got past her appalling robes. Not that Severus had any intention of doing that. Viewed dispassionately, the plan to make her warm towards him was proceeding admirably.
The Defence job would be just the start of it. If Minerva kept putting obstacles in the new Headmistress' path, there might even be a deputy headship in it for him. The Dark Lord would be most impressed. Albus could probably be persuaded that Severus was only doing it to keep a close eye on the school.
Perhaps an antidote was unnecessary? A sneaky splash of Bashful Beverage in her morning tea would be enough to dissuade her from any future physical advances upon his person. Although, upon consideration, Severus would rather suffer through the tedium of her physical affection than have to deal with her emotional needs.
When her hands began to wander past the bounds of any proprietary, Severus felt a moment's panic. Surely she didn't actually want to do that, did she? Now? He still had that day's grading to catch up on.
Guiding her to the desk was surprisingly easy. Once there it was the work of moments to knock the ornate picture frame to the floor. Dolores pulled away at the sound of breaking glass, her eyes large and over bright. It took several long seconds for her to even realise what had made the noise, but once she did she fell to her knees with a broken cry, clasping the loose photograph to her heaving bosom.
"Cornelius!" she gasped. "I didn't... you mustn't..." She looked up, her face flushed with frustrated arousal and evident confusion, not quite meeting his eyes. "You should go."
Severus fought to keep the relief from his voice. "Are you sure?"
"This is madness." The picture was restored with a wave of her wand, and she pulled herself to her feet, ignoring his proffered hand. "I have a duty to the Minister, to this school…"
"You have a duty to yourself as well," Severus murmured, reaching forward to capture her hand. "What of your needs? Your desires?" He pressed a chaste kiss upon her knuckles and was relieved when her eyes clouded with renewed lust. "But I will do as you ask. Good night, Dolores. May I wish you pleasant dreams."
"Severus," she whispered as he strode through the door.
~*~
Although Severus knew better than to strut, it was difficult to keep his pace moderate as he swept through the halls. While not technically a success, the potion had certainly delivered everything he had hoped and more. Slightly too much, if he were honest. He probably ought to avoid the woman until he had found a way to lessen the effects of the potion.
Perhaps he could start the Like Potion again, leave the raspberry pips out altogether and find something less volatile...
"Professor Snape."
Severus looked up to find Firenze by the Great Door. "Good evening," he replied.
"Is it?" the centaur asked. He took a step forward, scenting the air. "What is that?"
Severus sniffed the back of his hand. It was that same sharp scent he had noted in Dolores office. The potion must have transferred from his skin to hers. "I smell nothing," he answered. "Please excuse me."
Damn and double damn! If the potion was that easily detected then it was imperative that Severus find a way to rid her of it as soon as possible. The bloody stuff ought to be nigh-on untraceable. This would teach him to use school supplies in personal potions.
He'd start the new potion first thing tomorrow. Tonight he was rather in need of a bath.
~*~
Severus was brewing when Draco came to fetch him.
He had become accustomed to summons from the school's Headmistress of late, though never before had she dared send one of his own house to retrieve him and, after last night, this new tactic intrigued and disturbed him. Severus added the ground starthistle to the cauldron with a careful hand as he pondered the development.
Draco had the overexcited, sweaty look of a teenaged boy Up To Something. His normally pale cheeks were flushed and he couldn't keep the grin from his face.
"She's asked you to come to her office," the boy dared to chide as Severus added the last three pinches of thistle. Severus suspected that if Draco had been anyone other than Lucius Malfoy's son he would have been bouncing up and down on the spot. "Straight away!"
The potion was not at a particularly delicate stage, so Severus quietly doused the flames and followed the boy out into the corridor, wand at the ready, just in case.
~*~
Firenze was in the hallway outside. For a moment Severus wondered if there was a general staff summons, but Umbridge would never invite the new Divination professor to her office. The centaur didn't seem to notice Severus or Draco as they passed.
Taking a deep breath, Severus followed his Godson inside.
The room was filled to bursting with hormonal children, one half of whom seemed to have subdued the other half in various creative wrestling holds. Dolores' precious Inquisitorial Squad were on the winning side. It wasn't exactly what Severus had expected.
The scent was stronger than last night.
Severus let his eyes slide over them to where a pink cheeked, bright eyed Dolores stood fingering her wand with worrying fervour. "You wanted to see me, Headmistress?"
"Ah, Professor Snape," Dolores trilled. She looked slightly feverish, beaming in a way that made him profoundly uncomfortable and Severus felt a moment's concern. Just how much potion had he given her? "Yes, I would like another bottle of Veristaserum, as quick as you can, please."
Again, not quite what he had expected. "You took my last bottle to interrogate Potter. Surely you did not use it all? I told you that three drops would be sufficient."
She flushed further, colour staining her neck. "You can make some more, can't you?" Her voice was still high and girlish, but Severus could recognise the steel beneath it.
"Certainly," he agreed, wondering just what madness was unfolding. "It takes a full moon-cycle to mature, so I should have it ready for you in around a month."
"A month?" For a moment, it looked like her bottom lip was about to tremble, but then her mouth resolved into a hard line and pretence at sweetness was gone. "A month? But I need it this evening, Snape! I have just found Potter using my fire to communicate with a person or persons unknown!"
Severus' mind began to race. He had hoped that he had simply stumbled into the aftermath of some petty rule breaking, even though the presence of Miss Lovegood had suggested otherwise. If Potter was attempting to contact Albus it could mean that something serious had occurred. Or that Potter was about to be expelled. While Severus would not have minded that outcome in the least, he knew that all of Dumbledore's fine-tuned plans would crumple into dust. Either way, the boy would have to be protected.
"Really?" he stalled. "Well, that doesn't surprise me. Potter has never shown much inclination to follow school rules."
"I wish to interrogate him! I wish you to provide me with a potion that will force him to tell me the truth!"
He was going to have to kiss her again if he wanted to get back into her good graces...
"I have already told you that I have no further stocks of Veritaserum. Unless you wish to poison Potter – and I can assure you I would have the greatest sympathy with you if you did – I cannot help you. The only trouble is that most venoms act too fast to give the victim much time for truth-telling."
Dolores bottom lip trembled, her impressive bosom heaving beneath the cashmere of her cardigan "You are on probation! You are being deliberately unhelpful!" Her eyes flickered to the framed photograph on her desk and Snape realised he had lost. "The Minster will hear of this!" she hissed. "Now get out of my office!"
Knowing there was no hope of placating her in front of the students, Severus gave a stiff bow and turned to leave
He was almost at the door when Potter shouted, "He's got Padfoot. He's got Padfoot at the place where it's hidden!"
Dolores rounded on him, wand gripped in stubby fingers. "Padfoot? What is Padfoot? Where what is hidden? What does he mean, Snape?"
"I have no idea," Severus lied, wondering if it might be possible to poison the boy anyway. He wondered if the little shit had any idea how much hard work he had managed to undo in one evening. "Potter, when I want nonsense shouted at me I shall give you a Babbling Beverage."
Glancing at the boy, Severus realised he had the same sweaty, wild-eyed look as Draco. He swept his eyes over the assembled teenagers. Did they really need to be holding one another quite so tightly or was the fug of potion at influence there, too?
"And Crabbe, loosen your hold a little. If Longbottom suffocates it will mean a lot of tedious paperwork and I am afraid I shall have to mention it if ever you apply for a job."
He allowed the door to click shut behind him, drowning out the raised voices from within, thinking hard.
Firenze was still standing anxiously outside, sniffing at the air. Severus brushed past him, ignoring the way the centaur was pawing at the flagstones with his hooves.
"The Minister will hear of this," he muttered sullenly as he stalked back to his office. Ah, so quickly she could demote him from her affections. Severus nodded stiffly to himself. Perhaps he ought to feel some sting of rejection, some pang at parting ways, but all he could really sense was relief that she was no longer intent on sharing bodily fluids with him
But to be put on probation.
Fucking Potter.
Having seen the momentary hurt on her face, Severus wondered if all were perhaps not lost. If he could help her, comfort her when all of this went south… No, she was unlikely to be persuaded to fall for his unusual charms a second time. By rights it should never have happened in the first place.
He would complete the reversal potion. It wouldn't do for anyone to realise that she was under the influence of any illicit substances. There would be some way to keep Firenze away from her for the time being. Thankfully there was little chance of Dolores rubbing shoulders with any other magical creatures before the cure was ready. Her effect on a room full of teenagers had been disturbing enough.
Severus flicked his wand at the base of the cauldron, rekindling the fire. The potion was his main priority. Once it had been administered there would be time to contact the Headmaster. Doubtless Potter would be even more unbearable if he believed something had happened to his precious Padfoot.
Just as long as no one ever found out he'd drugged a Ministry official, everything would be fine.