When you don't tell me what is on your mind, when I know something is, especially when you say "Now is not the time to talk about it", even more especially when I just admitted something very serious....I get scared. Even though you assured me that it has nothing to do with breaking up, I still wonder if you are thinking about, 'why the hell am I even with this woman'. I mean, I feel like especially this week I have given you plenty of reasons to make you think that. I feel like I am sucking the joy out of everything, but from my perspective, I feel like you just aren't understanding me. -sigh- we now have moved to a completely different topic.
This all comes back to that girl. That girl you say you have been friends with for 10 years. That girl that you had romantic feelings for not too long before we started dating 3 years ago. The girl who said she just wanted to be friend, then dated a douchebag, instead of dating a wonderful man like you.
She texts you, and calls you, and you guys talk, and she tells you that she misses you. Then, you try to plan times to hang out, and she ALWAYS bails. And you still try... you still try to make it work. And it really upsets me. I have told you that I am uncomfortable with you being friends with her, but have never said don't see her. Instead of understanding, I am questioned why, and asked 'whats wrong with this friendship'. Nothing is wrong with the friendship, what is wrong is that you WANT to be friends with her, when she has been nothing but a bad one. You WANT to make it work, YOU WANT TO TRY to stay in contact with her. I feel like you aren't sensitive to my feelings. Instead, I feel like you get angry with me for feeling hurt, and confused, and vulnerable. And what hurts the most...is I know this is one area that I can't win. You may accept that I will always have issues with this, but you will never do anything about it. I don't think you will ever truely believe just how hurt I am over this. To you, this is a, molehill..and maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but you know what... you are my boyfriend, you should care that she makes me feel this uncomfortable.
And this goes back to before. I feel like I am some how driving you to wanting to make it work with her, and not me. I feel like the fact you don't want to tell me something is because you want to tell her, or worse, that it is about her. I won't give you sex, and you know what she will. I am not witty or funny, and she is. I am not intelligent, and she is....I feel like I have nothing to offer you right now except how stressed I am, how worried I am, and how just not fun I am right now.
Then when its my turn to brood, and you ask me what wrong, I say its nothing, because I have told you all these issues I have had with her, and I gets me no where. So, I feel trapped and unable to tell you. I can not make you feel the hurt that I am feeling. I don't let yousee the tears that I am crying right now, because you would hold me tight and pet my hair, but in the end...you would not see why I am hurting, even if I explained it many different ways...
I'm trying to let this go, especially because it isn't going to improve, but for some reason.. I just can't...