beforeisleep ;; margery 'maggie' mckinnon (beforeisleep) wrote in daysthatwere, @ 2012-01-19 02:38:00 |
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Felix Hopkirk was taking a while processing this whole son thing. It was a lot to think about, to deal with, to come to terms with. He’d known as soon as he’d seen his son that he wanted to be involved in his life. He also knew that he had to tell his parents, and that they would be extremely disappointed with his actions. There were times where Felix wondered if he’d never come back, would he even have found out that he had a son? Probably not, that much was clear. Maggie hadn’t wanted to even tell him that he was the father, and she’d never told him. It was frustrating, but understandable at the same time. He knew Maggie didn’t really trust him, and how could he blame her for that? He’d sabotaged their relationship for his own selfish insecurities. She’d agreed to meet him Tuesday at noon at her house, so Felix had taken his lunchbreak at Gringott’s, and let them know he’d be back in an hour. The goblins weren’t too happy, but he was sure the mountain of paperwork from the Cursebreaker expeditions he was working on wasn’t going anywhere. The only problem with transferring back to London was he was a Cursebreak chained to his desk. Felix could go on more short-term trips but he wanted to get his personal business taken care of. He didn’t have high hopes about this conversation. Maggie could be stubborn, that was for sure. But, that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try his best. Yes, he wanted to be in his son’s life and get to know him. He wanted his son to recognize him. But he also wanted to work things out with Maggie, like it should be. Arriving at Maggie’s house, he knocked on the door, his hands stuck in his pockets. Maggie almost always had the house to herself in the days, especially when Hogwarts was in session. Ever since Leo had been born the quietness was godsend, really, because she was able to relax and unwind before her night shift, whether it was while playing with Leo or doing anything else while he slept. Today, however, unwinding was impossible. At least Leo wasn’t sick anymore, she thought to herself, as she paced around the living room. He was, currently, taking his afternoon nap. When she had finally gotten him to sleep, Maggie had decided to have her lunch but the food went down with difficulty. She had little appetite and a bit of nausea thinking of Felix coming over and wanting to talk... of course he would have wanted to talk about their son and she was ready to talk about that for Leo’s sake, but the “other stuff” that he had hinted? It was obvious it was about them and Maggie had no inclination to talk about it. He had made his feelings obvious once already. She was not going to put herself through that again. When he knocked Maggie jumped slightly and then went over to the door to open it immediately before she could change her mind and pretend to not be home. While he waited for the door to open, Felix instinctively ran his fingers through his hair, something he did when he was feeling stressed, which didn’t happen very often. It mostly just reminded him he needed a haircut. But it was distracting enough that when the door opened, he was mildly caught off guard. Dropping his hands quickly, Felix looked at Maggie in the doorway. He slid his hands back into his pockets. “Hey. Can I come ..in?” Felix gestured at the door, his eyes automatically moving past her back into the house, looking for the baby. He wondered where he was. Maggie didn’t say anything but stepped back further and opened the door wider for him to enter. She could have said “hello” at the very least, but her brain had seemed to stop working the moment she saw Felix at her door. Hell, she wanted to hate him so much right now and a part of her did but she could never hate him completely. They hadn’t had the picture perfect life following their leave from Hogwarts when they moved in together but they’d been happy and she had been absolutely in love with him. That probably never went away. But then again, neither did the hurt she felt after that last argument when she left his house thinking he wanted nothing to do with her because he was seeing someone else the entire time. She closed the door behind and while his back was to her momentarily, she spoke. “Leo’s napping in the bedroom.” Felix knew she hated him, but she couldn’t even say hello? He tried to not get hung up on the little things though. He was there for a reason, a few reasons actually. The main reason was to see his son, but he needed to explain to Maggie. Yes, it wouldn’t make him look like any less of a jerk, but at least she would know his reasons why. Turning to look at her, he took his hands out of his pockets, keeping his jacket on. “Do you mind if I see him? I won’t wake him up.” Felix didn’t know how to act around a baby. He supposed it depended on how much Maggie would let him see him, and if he could get comfortable around him. He would definitely need some help with this because he had no idea what to do with a baby. She’d feel like absolutely shite at this point if she told him yes she did mind and she kept him away. “No, I don’t. This way.” She walked past him, leading him toward their bedroom. She opened the door very carefully, so not to wake him up -- even though Leo tended to be a heavy sleeper. The room was dark, with the shades down, but there was still enough light coming in from the window for someone to see the baby fast asleep in his crib. Maggie peeked inside to make sure he hadn’t awoken before pushing the door open further and walking inside toward the crib. “His name is Leopold,” she whispered, and immediately felt a pang of guilt in her heart. She honestly had no good reason to keep him a secret from his own father, and the reasons she had before all suddenly felt selfish and childish now that she thought about it. Felix followed Maggie down the hall to her bedroom, shutting the door slowly behind them so that the light wouldn’t wake the baby up. The last time he’d seen this baby had been in absolute chaos, so it was a stark contrast to see him fast asleep. Sleep made babies look so innocent, and as he peeked into the crib, he couldn’t help but think how innocent this child was. Felix never wanted his son to think he’d abandoned him. What kind of person would that make him, right? Being in his son’s life was Felix’s number one priority right now. “I thought you might name him after your dad,” Felix commented, still looking down at the baby. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from him, not being able to believe that he’d helped create this little human being. He was in awe, really. If there was a time to grow up, now would be it. “Kirk is his middle name.” Maggie was a whirlwind of emotions right now. Suddenly, she went from guilty to awkward and she felt like she needed to do something... maybe sit down or reorganize the laundry or something. Instead, she crossed her arms and took a step back to allow him for some time to... absorb that he had a son? She had no idea what was going on in his head right now, but she was curious -- she just didn’t quite know how to even ask. “Well...” “Ahh,” he responded, noticing her stepping away from the crib. He looked down at the baby for a few more seconds, not acknowledging her before standing up straight and turning in Maggie’s direction. Felix took this moment to study her, maybe a beat too long. She looked beautiful, he had to admit, and her chest size wasn’t something to complain about. Snapping out of his staring, he spoke up, finally. “Well.. this is a lot to process. It’s kind of like, welcome home, surprise, you have a kid, you know?” Felix sighed, pausing momentarily. “I just.. I want to explain myself. I need to, will you let me?” He knew that she’d know what he was talking about, but the real question would be if she would, or if she just didn’t want to hear it. All Maggie could think of was her mother telling her over the journals that it was something that would eventually need to be discussed. She was right (even though Maggie rarely actually used words to admit that whenever it happened) and it was better now than later. Holding back a sigh, Maggie tilted her head toward the door so they could talk without waking up Leo. “Do you want tea? Or anything to drink?” “Er, coffee?” It had become his drink of choice since having to adjust to all the weird timezones and being up before the sun had even come up to get to excavation sites. Even though Felix regretted the circumstances under which he’d decided to leave, he could never regret the year he spent out of the country. It had been a rich learning experience and admittedly tough to come back home after doing all that. Felix went out the door and stood awkwardly by it, waiting for Maggie to come out so they could sit somewhere and talk. Now that he was here at this opportunity, where could he even start? Maggie followed, closing the door gently behind her as she left, and then indicated the living room area for him to have a seat as she made coffee. It was stalling, basically, but at this point, it wasn't like she would have been able to put it off until she had to go to work... just enough time for them to collect their thoughts separately and then have a go at this extremely belated conversation. "Wait there. I'll make some now." Sitting down on the couch, Felix nodded and glanced around the room. He noticed photographs of the McKinnons, of Maggie’s parents, of the baby even. He was beginning to feel like even though the baby wasn’t that old, that he’d already missed out on a lot. Felix knew he had to stop feeling like this, because he was here now, but he wished he could make up for when he hadn’t been there, for when Maggie had been pregnant and he’d been off adventuring in Peru. He was already feeling pretty bad about it, but he also felt like people were breathing down his neck for not being supportive. Waiting for Maggie, Felix glanced towards the kitchen before turning his attention to some interesting lint he’d found in his pockets. It took her a few minutes but while she was in the kitchen, Maggie allowed herself to take a deep breathe and shake herself slightly. Bloody hell, at least she didn't have anyone else in the house to worry about because it seemed like the more people were around, the higher the pressure was. Finally, she walked into the living room with a cup of coffee for him and tea for herself. As she held out the cup for him to take, she spoke. "I'm sorry I kept him from you." Felix took the coffee from her and took a long sip. The caffeine felt energizing. He gripped it tightly with two hands, thinking about what to say in response. “I wish you would’ve told me so I could’ve helped you. At least with money, or something.” He knew that obviously she had to have dropped out of Mediwitch training. He didn’t want to assume, though. “I know your family is helping, but I could’ve helped too.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for leaving. I need to explain myself so don’t say anything, please.” Felix had to really think about what he was going to say, but he was sure this was all going to come out like word vomit. “I shouldn’t have left you like that. I just.. I got scared, I freaked out. I love you a lot and I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I knew you were the woman I wanted to marry. But at the same time, that scared me. So I ran. I didn’t cheat on you, you know. I just.. I said that because I wanted to push you away. I wanted you to leave me because I couldn’t leave you. And I knew I messed up as soon as you left, but I couldn’t take it back, you know? The damage was already done. So, the only thing I could think of was to just remove myself from your life entirely and finish my training out of the country. But the year I was gone, all I could think about was you.” He knew this was a lot of serious stuff he was laying on her, and this was an extremely difficult conversation to have, but it needed to be done. “So, I’m sorry. I knew things will never be the way they were, but I want to try and at least be civil, for Leo’s sake.” Maggie listened but what she heard did not, by any means, make it better. And she was a hard time believing all this now. If he lied to her before about cheating, what’s to say he wasn’t lying to her now about the lying? Just for the sake of getting close to his son? That was a ridiculous motive, however, because she had already given her okay and honestly, she couldn’t really think of a right reason for him to be lying now. Which, of course, still upset her. “You lied to me just to push me out of your life? How is that any better, Felix?” At this point, she really couldn’t tell if she’d have preferred the cheating over this. “I was pregnant. You don’t just postpone something like that. And if I was just overwhelming at that point, it’s not like I was going to stop existing temporarily after that to allow you to catch up.” “I didn’t say it was any better, but I got freaked out. In a bad way. I wanted to run, Maggie, I was scared. I don’t want to do that anymore.” Felix knew this was an upsetting conversation for her, but it was stuff they needed to talk about. It’s not like this was easy to talk about for him either. Seeing her brought up all kinds of emotions and memories for him, and it would’ve been easier to just forget but he couldn’t. It wasn’t possible anymore. “I know, I know. I was wrong for doing that and I’m sorry. It’s just, I wasn’t ready for a baby. That wasn’t in the plan, you know? I wanted to marry you. Do it right. Not knock you up. And then you told me you were pregnant and I panicked. I had no idea what to do.” “What did you expect?” Maggie said, throwing her hand in the air, while the other steadily held the cup of tea... although she wasn’t really in the mood to drink any anymore. “You don’t tell your girlfriend you were cheating on her, true or not, and expect her to just waltz back into your life later on after you decided you’re done running away.” And then she paused, raising two fingers to her temple. This wasn’t going as planned. Which was a given considering she certainly hadn’t expected him to suddenly fess up to not actually cheating but just panicking. She was supposed to be working out things with their son and them, figuring out when they’d meet because it would take a while for Leo to warm up to his father without Maggie being around. She was certainly not ready to hear about all this now, because she was through. This relationship had not ended the way she’d envisioned it before and she was not going to go running back to him. “You still have a chance with Leo. I’m not going to get in the way of that. Just don’t you run away from him this time.” “Okay, I didn’t expect that. C’mon Maggie. I’m not stupid. I know you hate me and you don’t want to ever be with me again, and that’s fine.” Felix raised his eyes to the ceiling momentarily, more of a ‘God help me’ gesture if anything, and then looked back at her. “You just deserved the truth. That’s all I wanted to give you. You act like I came back expecting you to be waiting with arms open. I knew what I was coming home to. I knew your family hated me and that you didn’t want me here. Whatever, I deserve it.” He shrugged, setting his coffee mug down for a moment. “Look, now this is out of the way, so we don’t ever have to talk about it again, alright? I hurt you, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I was a coward. And I’m sorry I ran away from my.. our problems. Now, it’s done. We don’t have to talk about us anymore, and we can move on to more important things. I won’t run away. There’s a reason I’m on desk duty at Gringott’s, Maggie.” To be honest, he hated desk duty. He wanted to be out doing stuff. He was restless here in London, but now he had responsibilities. Duties to his son. So he was going to stay for his kid. And that was that. This was freaky and almost surreal but it was his reality now. He picked up the coffee cup and took a long sip from it, wondering what her response would be. It felt sad to be at this point, and maybe he could finally move on, but he had to be honest, he didn’t know if he’d ever fully move on and get over her. But he had to at least try. Maggie bit at her lower lip as she lifted up her mug (finally) to her lips. But she still used it to shield her mouth instead of placing it on the ceramic surface. And she was quiet for a while. He was right... he hadn’t said anything about taking her back. She was the one who jumped at that conclusion. But he was wrong -- she didn’t hate him. It was entirely possible that she had never gotten over him either but at the same time, she was still too hurt to ever admit that. “Alright,” she finally answered. “Well. What should we do?” Setting down his coffee cup, Felix decided he was done with the coffee for now. He was going to be bouncing around the walls for the rest of the day at work and glancing at his watch, he was realizing that he needed to get back to work soon. If they had anymore relationship talk to do, it would have to be continued another time. “However you want to start involving me with Leo is up to you. I just want to be around, you know? I mean, I can’t take him or anything, he doesn’t know who I am, so he should get to know me, yeah?” “I know,” Maggie also put her cup down and then regretted it because she suddenly felt bare again. When she was nervous, she needed something in her hands to hold, and so all she could contend with was crossing her arms. “We should plan something later, when you’re not working. I’ll bring him over and introduce you. I’ll tell you of his habits and whatnot. Or as much as I can. He’s only just recently started a normal sleep cycle so, really, I feel like I’m getting to know him as well.” Despite the tense atmosphere, she let out a slight laugh. Felix smiled, even though the air was tense. It felt better to talk about the baby. It felt nice.. right. This was how it was going to be, to be a father. He could get used to it. He was definitely ready to see where this was going to go. “Well, I’m off this weekend, unless you’re busy?” Standing up, Felix didn’t want to hang around here anymore making Maggie uncomfortable. They would have plenty of that for a while, he was sure, though he figured they’d fall into a routine soon enough. “I’m off too,” she said, giving a nod and standing up as well. “Saturday morning, I can come by.” It felt almost surreal that only a few seconds ago, she was chiding him for lying and getting ready to tell him that she didn’t want to have any relationship with him other than ‘the father of my child’, and now they were discussing meeting up very civilly. “Would you like to see Leo again before you go?” “Alright, I’ll give you my address so you can just floo there. I got a new flat.” He added the last sentence as sort of an afterthought. Once the lease had been up on their old flat, he’d moved out of it, not to mention it had been an expensive rent payment without Maggie helping. His new flat was much smaller, but not in a bad area, and much cheaper. He would need to set an alarm to wake up, though Maggie would probably remember that he liked to sleep in when he could. “Yes, please.” |