If the clouds are gathering it's just to point the way (Rachel, Cai)
Rachel left her towering black of flats early the next morning, before her father woke up. Imogene had already risen and left, Rachel could only tell because the shower curtain was damper than it had been last night. Presumably she'd had breakfast, but there was never any trace of crumbs on the bench and Imogene couldn't stand plates left out after use.
Maybe if she'd left early she wouldn't be out very late, Rachel thought hopefully. Maybe she should see if Cai wanted to come back here for dinner. But what if Imogene was out? Rachel doubted her ability to look after Cai on her own. Cai had told her once that he thought she had some kinda power but somewhere along the lines Rachel thought it had all bled out of her. Maybe she'd outrun it the day she tried to run across the city on a damaged ankle, left it behind on the street somewhere. She certainly hadn't felt capable of looking after anyone after that. Not since Imogene moved in and all the highs and lows of life started to disappear.
Cai needed her now, though. And maybe Zoe did too, but Danny had gone to Zoe's and besides, Rachel felt even less capable of taking care of Zoe than she did taking care of Cai. Could anyone, really, take care of Zoe?
But it hadn't happened and a couple of weeks after that the journalist wasn't around anymore. Rachel wondered what it meant that she was back. Had there been some news of Indigo? Was that why Imogene had left so early?
Was it anything to do with Cai and Zoe breaking up or was Rachel being paranoid? Maybe Indigo was making it happen, forcing Zoe somehow. Maybe Danny had gone over to Zoe's house and into an Indigo trap.
If this had occurred to Rachel before she left the building she might have stayed inside, but she was already out and walking, with her hood up and her sunglasses on, giving the journalist's car the widest berth she could. The streets this time of the morning were busy with commuters and it was easy to disappear into them, let the flow of them take her toward the tube station.
There was a little money left on her Oyster card, enough to get to Cai's. The weather wasn't hideously hot anymore, maybe she'd walk back. It would be the longest walk she'd made since she hurt her ankle; Cai did not live close, but a little bit of Rachel wanted to try it.
That would be risking Indigo, though. But the risk didn't feel like a real one. Zoe had seen her at a funeral, which meant it wasn't her funeral, and Rachel was a bit numb about anything less than death happening to her.
Things happening to people around her, sure, that terrified her. Her doing something terrible to someone she loved? Yup, paralysed by that thought whenever it came along as well.
But it didn't really feel, right now, that anything else could happen to her.
What if she didn't run from the funeral? Rachel wondered as she gripped the handle above her head, swaying with the motion of the tube as it rattled its way through the underground. What if she stayed where she was and let the danger - Indigo was the easiest candidate to think about here - let Indigo come at her. What could Indigo do? Kill her? No one else had managed yet.
(Rachel didn't really think it was Indigo coming for her.)
She read the posters on the ceiling again and again and again and tried not to think about her mother.
Cai, she thought. Think about Cai.
She jogged part of the way from the station to Cai's house, but slowed as she arrived on his street. Her ankle throbbed along with her heartbeat and she ran her hand over every fence between the corner and his house, trying to remember who lived behind each one. Cai had taken her around a lot of the neighbours when she was living with him, elderly folk mostly, but a few young families. It was a quiet street, a quiet neighbourhood, which is why the savage deaths of the chickens had hit it so hard. Rachel didn't run her hands along Mrs Carabaldi's fence, she didn't think she had the right.
Nonnie was stepping out of the garage, hands full with a shopping bag that looked like it was made of old saris. "Good morning, take this, will you, carina?" she said, passing the bag to Rachel so she could pull the garage door down. Rachel grabbed the handles of the bag and wrapped her arm around the bottom, she didn't trust how fragile the fabric felt. Once the garage door was sealed Nonnie came over and gave her a hug. "It's so good to see you."
Nonnie smelled so comforting. Cai's whole house smelled better than anywhere she'd ever lived. "You too, Nonnie. I like your hair." She'd had it done.
Nonnie beamed. "You're a love. Are you here to see Cai?" Rachel nodded and Nonnie herded her inside, chatting. She'd dropped Faye and Roe off at their school and picked up croissants on the way home and was going to make herself and Cai a brunch and would Rachel like to stay, too, seeing as Nonnie had purchased enough for three? Rachel looked uncomfortably at the extra croissants and wondered if she was taking food that Nonnie had accidentally bought for Dom... but Nonnie did not seem to be that kind of absentminded.
"We'll heat up the croissants and I'll scramble some eggs, you can stay down here and help me, Cai's in the shower, listen to those pipes. You slice up some of these tomatoes and tell me all about it."
"I don't know anything," Rachel said apologetically. "I only talked to Cai for a couple of minutes last night and I haven't talked to Zoe. Danny went over to Zoe's last night, that's all I really know."
"I meant about you," Nonnie said, lifting Rachel's chin in her hand. "How are you?"
"Oh. Okay," she said, but Nonnie was after more than that.
"I haven't had a proper chat with you since you came out of hospital," she said. "And I'm sorry about that, I've been thinking about you quite often. Tell me, how are you feeling?" Nonnie settled down in a chair, the corner of the table and cups of tea and biscuits between them.
"Oh - okay," Rachel said again, and added in a tough smile. One inherited from Zoe, maybe. It didn't feel like it was hers and it slipped off her face quite quickly. "I'm better, now. Less mad."
"I think our Danny wouldn't like you calling it madness," Nonnie pointed out, which was true. Rachel nodded, but she didn't really agree. Her mind had gone fucking nuts and Rachel didn't want any other word for it. Illness felt too self-pitying, but she didn't really want to talk about it and have Nonnie or Danny change her mind. She knew what was inside her. They didn't. And since what was inside her had gone quiet she certainly didn't want to speak its name and wake it up again. But Nonnie seemed determined to speak. "We're a lucky bunch, to have that hospital nearby, aren't we?"
"Mmhmm," said Rachel.
"Do you like your therapist, there? Abigail, wasn't it? Lavinia's girl." Nonnie had been over to Liz and Emma's several times for dinner with Cai, met Lavinia there and the two women got on like the proverbial house on fire - although perhaps that was not the turn of phrase to be using in Nonnie's house.
"Yeah she was nice," Rachel agreed. She had been. Rachel also hadn't seen her since she left hospital. She'd seen Lee, because Lee kept coming to her house - or more often, taking her out to a nearby cafe to feed her - even though she insisted she didn't need home visits anymore, and Lee was equally insistent about the benefits of talking to Abby. Rachel got a certain thrill of power, knowing that Lee couldn't force her to go, and since this was the only thing like power she'd felt in herself in a very long time, she wanted to hold onto it. She was still lying to everyone that she was taking her medication, too. But she was okay, she was doing okay, and she didn't want to talk about it. She could find her serenity, with Imogene, without meds, and even though their meditation didn't last always, it didn't make her sick either. It was better.
"Was nice?" asked Nonnie, and Rachel quickly corrected herself - "Is nice, I mean. She's so smart, I really like her."
Nonnie didn't smile like she believed her, but reached out across the table and took Rachel's hand in hers. The one attached to the wrist with the long scar, and several colourful bands that Danny had given her to help cover it up. "That's good to hear," she said, as if she did believe her. "Nice and smart are exceptional qualities, you need people like that in your army."
Rachel almost laughed; twisted her face a bit in confusion, surprise. "Everyone needs an army," Nonnie said, translating that face into the question it was. "I've got my army, my Cai and Mrs Carabaldi next door, my friends at the church, Lavinia and Mad Dog, and the squadron of social workers that help me look after my girls. God and Dom, in my heart. We're social folk, humans, no one does anything alone."
You die alone, thought Rachel, who wasn't prepared for any of this. And then, more purposefully, if reluctantly; my dad's my army, armed with his gun in case Indigo comes back.
Everyone else in her life seemed too nice to be an army.
She didn't want to be thinking any of this.
"Well, I wanted to say, in a roundabout way that I'm not even sorry for, that you're always welcome here, Rachel. I liked having you live with us! I know this house has changed, since Dom left us -" Rachel winced, visibly "- but I'm still very fond of you. Come here," she stood again, taking Rachel's face in her hands again, and kissed her on the forehead. Rachel couldn't stop herself shaking.
It all felt fake fake fake, like Nonnie was only saying this because Dom had had a soft spot for her and she felt like she had to. The offer couldn't be real and Rachel didn't even need an army and Nonnie was being way over the top and Rachel wished she would stop talking to her. She let her kiss her but didn't meet her eye.
"I'll stop," Nonnie said, sitting back down and passing Rachel the plate of biscuits. "Because I see you don't like it, but it wouldn't have been right if I hadn't said it. I want you to know that I will always be here, and if you need anything, from a cup of tea to a home, then you just need to show up here and we'll make it happen."
"Mmhmm," said Rachel again, stiffly.
"We'll look after you. That's exactly what you're doing for our Cai," Nonnie pointed out. "Coming over to try and work this whole thing out. You're a good friend, Rachel."
Rachel smiled thinly. She didn't feel like a good friend. Yes she was here, but she was so entirely uncertain about what she was supposed to do now that she was here that she worried she'd just make things worse. It was safer, staying at home. It was hard to mess anything else up, staying at home.
A creak on the stairs announced Cai, his hair damp from the shower. He was half way into the kitchen before he spotted Rachel, paused in his path for a second, and then threw himself at her. He'd already pulled on a large hoodie and pulled his sleeves up over his hands, knowing that he felt too sensitive at the moment to risk touching anyone but also knowing he needed a hug this morning very, very badly.
Rachel tried to think about what Danny would say if he was here but nothing felt right so she hugged him silently, and from the way he hugged back it didn't seem to be the wrong choice.
"Hey Ray," Cai said eventually, miserably, over her shoulder. Rachel was struck with the urge to kiss him on the cheek, but too unsure to actually do it.
"There's breakfast here," said Nonnie, placing a plate of hot croissants on the round table. "Eat up."
Cai let go of Rachel reluctantly, but with a grateful smile. Rachel smiled back, wishing she could do more, say more, fix more. She sat at their table and ate with them and wondered if there was a way to gather the serenity she felt at home and pass it over to someone else. Cai looked a little ragged and she wanted to reach out and soothe his brow and soothe his mind underneath.
"You can ask, you know," Cai said, gently, to Rachel. Her anxious silence was getting to him and he didn't like the way she kept twisting her rubber bracelets tight around her wrist.
The anxiety in her silence ramped up after he'd spoken, like a rabbit who'd been spotted by a hawk, but she swallowed the worst of it. "Why did you guys break up?" she asked. "You were so good."
"I've been trying to figure it out all night," Cai said. Nonnie started quietly clearing away the breakfast dishes, and swatted Cai's shoulder the moment he started to get up to help. She gave him a sharp look that said talk to your friend and took his empty plate away.
"I think," said Cai sadly. "I think our whole relationship was just putting way too much pressure on her." Rachel watched him with big eyes as he tried to explain Zoe, last night. "I kissed her, and she panicked. Maybe it was the last straw. I don't know. I know she's trying to deal with so much at the moment I just... I didn't know I was making it worse."
"How can you make anything worse?" Rachel asked, mystified and horrified. "Cai, you're the best."
Cai shrugged, sadly. "Nonnie says sometimes when people are under a lot of pressure they can't even handle the good stuff. And you know Zoe, she'd never been good at letting people help her out. She thinks that every single thing in the world is her responsibility."
Rachel nodded. Zoe was like that. She thought Rachel's life was her responsibility and it had always been a source of tension between them.
"I wanted to be angry," Cai said, which Rachel found hard to believe. Cai, angry? "Like if she was feeling like we were... such hard work, why hadn't she said anything to me, why'd it all come out so suddenly, but, she just seemed scared, Rach. Like she was losing control and terrified of it."
That bit Rachel could believe, though she couldn't understand how Zoe could consider Cai 'hard work'. "Zoe's scared always comes out kinda mean."
Cai thought of Roe, but pushed her out of his head. "A bit," he said, feeling uncharitable but not untrue. "She said 'I can't keep doing this' and I don't know if it really was about us - maybe it was, or maybe I was just the easiest to drop."
"Cai," said Rachel, annoyed at Zoe for making him feel this way.
"I know that sounds all self pitying but I was thinking about it and it's not like anyone's going to die if we break up - I think she thinks that if she stops thinking about how to save Alex's life for a second then - funeral, and running, and... then we really have lost."
Maybe I won't run, thought Rachel. Maybe I'll stand there and let whatever's coming come.
"You don't sound like you're upset about this at all," said Rachel, frowning. Cai was making too many excuses for Zoe.
"I am upset," said Cai, mystified as to how Rachel couldn't see how absolutely gutted he was. "I'm just trying to see it how she might see it."
"You're allowed to be angry at her," Rachel said. She was trying to say what Danny might say, not that Danny would ever tell Cai to be angry at Zoe, but the whole kind of 'you're allowed to feel this' spiel, Danny said that kind of thing all the time. And besides, Rachel was angry at her. 'The easiest thing to drop'. How dare Zoe.
"I'm not angry."
"Well maybe you should be."
"Why?" asked Cai. "What's that going to change?"
"I don't know! It might make you feel better? If she's being a bitch you're allowed to say she's being a bitch!" Why did Zoe get to get away with treating Cai like this just cos she was upset?
"She is not being a bitch," Cai said. "And being angry does not make me feel better, Rachel," He said it firmly, and he didn't think he said it unkindly, but Rachel shut up, admonished, and her insides twisting with discomfort. She'd done exactly what she was afraid of doing and made it worse and Cai was going to be angry at her, now, and there was already going to be a huge rift between the four of them - Zoe, Cai, Danny and Rachel because if Cai and Zoe were broken who was Danny going to choose? His brother or his 'best friend' and even thinking it made Rachel feel sick because wasn't she supposed to be his best friend? Or maybe Danny would manage to stay friends with them both and then he'd probably be really angry when Cai told him she'd called Zoe a bitch and if he had to choose between his best friend and his brother and Rachel then who would he pick? Not the one going round calling other people bitches. And Nonnie, Nonnie would be so disappointed and Rachel bet even Dom would be disappointed and everything compounded in a great storm of terribleness inside her. And everyone's patience with her would run out eventually, just like her dad said it would.
"I'm sorry," Rachel said, wishing the floor would swallow her up.
Cai shook his head, but he was pulling out his phone anyway. Rachel was sure he was about to tell her he needed to be somewhere or call someone - something to get her to go and who could blame him? But he smiled a little instead and said, "It's Danny checking up on me, one sec," and hastily typed out a reply.
Rachel stayed very still because she didn't know what she was supposed to do now, leave? But Cai had asked her to wait so - not leave? She suddenly wanted to go home very badly. Not that Imogene would be home yet. But. It still felt safe there. Or. Not safe but... she couldn't make anything worse, at home. Maybe the world was safer is she stayed at home.
"He's going to come over," Cai said, after a few moments. "How about the three of us make Nonnie dinner?"
"You mean me too?" she couldn't stop herself asking.
Cai looked at her oddly. "Yeah, course. Can you stay?"
Rachel really didn't understand the world at all. She nodded, though, and Cai gave her a brief smile and a nod in return, and went back to messaging Danny.