And you'll hold me like you'll never let me go (Rachel, Harley, Imogene)
Rachel's dinner with Harley and Imogene had been pretty quiet - on her part. The restaurant they'd taken her too had been dimly lit, full of soft candlelight and Rachel felt like a third wheel on their romantic date. And it was romantic - Harley was going over the top with Imogene, touching her at any given opportunity, taking her hand or stroking her hair or leaning over the table and kissing her while Rachel stared at her food and tried to be invisible and blind.
She could barely eat, she was so uncomfortable. The wine, yes, she could drink, hoping that would settle her nerves. The glass was enormous, meant for swirling the wine around to bring out the scent, but it just made Rachel feel like she was very small. And once the glass was gone, she didn't have any more, because Harley and Imogene still had wine in their glasses and Rachel felt too out of place to try and ask the waited for anything.
The power was terrifying. Imogene would be so furious. Rachel had come up against that cold, hard fury before. Harley has rescued her from prison and she had looked after him in return and they'd lost the nice house and financial stability but they had each other. But if Rachel said it, now, he's cheating, if Rachel said it now, he's a liar then she would be putting herself up against Harley's fury too.
What would he do to her? A fist in her hair, a cracked lip, another broken arm? Would he even let her limp off to Danny afterwards?
Either way her relationship with Imogene would be over. Whatever the woman felt for her, Rachel didn't think it would survive what Rachel knew.
The only way to save herself, save her family, was to keep silent.
Give nothing away. Smile whenever her father or Imogene looked at her, although most of the night they only had eyes for each other. Why am I even here? Rachel thought, bitterly, but didn't dare say it. She let herself think about the fun that the others would be having back at the house without her. Her imagination stripped off all of the worry and grief and fear and trauma and turned them into six normal people on a beach holiday, laughing and eating and creating new jokes among themselves that would fly over her head when she got back.
But Danny would be so happy to see her, whenever this dinner finally ended and Harley and Imogene dropped her back off at the hotel. He'd hold her close and he'd kiss her and he's ask her how it went with real concern in his voice and she'd tell him it went fine because how could she explain to him that she held the power to shatter this entire facade of a family?
How could she explain to him, or more, to Zoe, that she didn't want to. Zoe would think it was a family worth shattering and maybe she was right, Zoe was so often right, but...
There was something real and precious and worth saving, between the three of them. Something she'd found in the gentle moments of meditation with Imogene and something she'd found in the quiet moments of companionship with her father. And maybe it was on shaky ground but Rachel could not be the one to push the button that would detonate everything.
Her appetiser was taken away, picked at by her and finished by her father. "I know you'd rather be with your boyfriend," he said, taking the plate away from her when it was obvious she wasn't going to eat any more. "But this sulking is very unattractive, Princess."
"I'm not sulking," Rachel said, but even she had to admit she sounded sulky and petulant when she said it.
She wasn't sulking, though. She was keeping her mouth shut to save both of them from Imogene's wrath. But she couldn't even let on to Harley that's what she was doing, not even when Imogene went to the bathroom and he had a bit of a go at her for being ungrateful. Her stomach turned and she apologised and smiled and when Imogene came back she told her she'd just noticed her shoes and how gorgeous they were, and Imogene smiled like the sun and that right there was a glimmer of the thing worth holding on to.
Harley ordered another glass of a wine and Rachel was relieved to be able to order another one as well, although the price beside even the cheapest one made her flinch. The wine arrived and she tried it and made a big deal about being grateful for it, and then tried very, very hard not to drink it too quickly, taking sips of the sparkling water between each sip of wine to make it last till their main meal arrived and there was something else to occupy herself with besides trying to think of things to say.
Hers smelled spicy and warm and instantly reminded her of Cai's house; she'd chosen the dish because the name was in Spanish though it wasn't one of the words she knew. It was a rich, slow cooked beef and it tasted like something Dom had made her once and she hadn't finished her first mouthful before tears welled up in her eyes. She closed them, hoping that would stop the tears, and took another bite so she didn't look like she'd just frozen, but more tears and a sob welled up around that mouthful too. The grief took her entirely by surprise and she didn't know what to do, whether she could grab for her wine or keep forcing the food down or run for the bathroom or the door. Sitting in the middle of the restaurant openly crying did not feel like the best response but that's what she was doing.
"Jesus, Rachel," said her father and Rachel wanted to throw her fork at him for mentioning Jesus who'd meant so much to Dom. Dom, the nicest man she'd ever met, who'd been kind, who's been so kind to her when she hadn't earned any of it. More than anything she wanted a hug from him, for his soft gruff voice to tell her things would be okay because he'd look after her. Dom who'd given her a key to his house that she could use anytime she needed. Dom who'd taken her to get the cast off her arm instead of her father.
Dom was so so kind and Dom was so so dead.
Imogene folded her napkin on the table and stood, and this movement set of something in Rachel and she bolted away from her table and then out of the restaurant onto the boardwalk. The sunset was streaking colours above her and darkness had already taken hold in one corner of the sky, and the wind was puffing gently off the sea. Rachel just wanted to make it to one of the benches and sit down and cry, something in her needed to cry, but Imogene had already caught up with her and touched her shoulder. She pulled her round, gently, and guided her into a hug, shushing softly.
Rachel's breath shuddered out of her in a sob, but only one more. Imogene stroked her hair and the devastated reality of a Domless world just melted away. She heard Imogene say her father's name, and a moment later felt his hand on her back as he wrapped his arms around both of them.
Everything felt okay, in their arms. Lighter and calmer and easier, thought this feeling was followed by a stab of guilt for allowing herself to be calm when Dom was dead. Even the stab melted away eventually, though, till all that was left was a niggle, a sense that she wasn't done crying, that she shouldn't be done crying, but without any of the grief that had just overwhelmed her.
And Rachel was used to things feeling not-quite-right. Very used to it.
Imogene tilted her chin up to look at her and Rachel smiled sheepishly before she stepped back to wipe away her own tears. "I'm sorry," she said, her throat thick and tight from the memory of tears and the earlier memory of silence. She knew she should apologise more, so much more, but her head felt so strange and easy she thought maybe she could gloss over everything with a smile.
And Harley, instead of saying anything, smiled back at her, and pulled her in for another hug. He rested his chin on the top of her head and gave her back a rub, and this, this here, whatever it was between them, this was the bit she could never explain to Zoe. The thing worth keeping. The thing worth staying silent for.
She wrapped her arms around him in return and pressed her face against his chest, and didn't see it at all when Imogene smiled too.