Peter Gabriel Kemp (father_peter) wrote in darker_london, @ 2018-08-17 11:13:00 |
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Entry tags: | anna kemp, peter kemp |
Shared experiences (Peter, Anna)
Peter hadn’t seen his kids, aside from wonderful Tasha who had been beside him almost every day, in nearly two weeks. Sometimes that hurt so much it felt like a physical ache in his chest. He wanted to keep the young ones from seeing him like this, however and Lydia was the child of two addicts and had lost her birth mother to addiction. Peter didn’t really want to make her fear losing her father as well.
Part of Peter also felt like he needed there to be real consequences for drinking again. A shot which made him sick wasn’t really going to do much. Peter drunk himself to sickness all the time, let alone the fact that anything that wasn't Templar torture was child's play. But the consequence of being kept from his kids? That was the worst thing Peter could imagine.
To say that it surprised him when Anna was the first one to ignore the ‘Daddy needs some rest right now’ rule was putting it lightly. After his medical assisted detox he had been moved to a fancy suite on the top floor, and he was sitting on the small sofa actually reading for leisure for the first time in years, when Anna poked her head through the door. “Dad?” She called, her voice soft and anxious.
Peter glanced up and his brow furrowed. “Annachen, what’s- Is everything okay?” Surely Anna wouldn’t just stop by for a social meeting. While things had gotten slightly better between them over the last half a year as Anna grew up and out of her angry teenager phase, she still hadn’t been openly affectionate with him for years. They didn’t just talk the way he did with Lydia and Tasha. If she was here something horrible must have happened. He tossed his book aside and made to stand when she held her arms out to calm him.
“Everything's fine, Dad,” she insisted, and there was the slightly exasperated tone of voice he knew so well. “I mean...except you.”
Ah. Peter opened his mouth to spout some platitude or another about healing and letting his mind rest, when she suddenly threw herself across the room and into his arms. It took every bit of strength he had not just to cling to her so the hug wouldn’t end, because it was wonderful. He hadn’t realised how much he truly missed being as close with her. And then her next words shattered the moment entirely. “I heard Mum and Aunt Liz talking,” Anna admitted into his shoulder, and Peter’s happiness faded to dread. Oh god, what had she overheard?! “I know I shouldn’t have listened, I’m sorry-“
“No...Anna, don’t apologise,” he said, running his hands down her back soothingly before disengaging from the embrace so he could face her. He had to be Dad now, he couldn’t just be broken Peter thankful his kid was finally hugging him. “They should have made sure they couldn’t be overheard, that’s not your fault. I understand wanting to listen to see how your parent is. You didn’t do anything wrong at all. What did you hear, Schatz?”
Anna shook her head, clearly refusing to say it, but Peter knew. He knew. “Anna-“
“Was that why you adopted me?” She asked, gazing up at him now, questions etched into her expression. “After what Brunhardt did to me?” It broke Peter’s heart to think that she believed he might only have done it because they had something very horrible in common.
“I adopted you because I love you,” Peter said firmly, and it was true. She had had him twisted around her pinky the first time they met, and he had wanted to give her a home then. Not that, at that point, he'd had a home to give. “But it was why I couldn’t leave you there with him. I had the vision, and-“
“And you knew what it meant because you’d been there?” She finished, looking heartbroken.
Peter didn’t know what to say to that. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to his teenage daughter about the trauma of his past, especially when she had been through so much worse herself. “I knew I had to get you out of there." He resolved, because it meant he wasn't confirming or denying anything. "I didn’t care if I got arrested for kidnapping, I just had to keep you safe.” Luckily, it had worked out.
“And I thanked you by acting like an arsehole,” Anna said quietly, staring down at her hands. All of a sudden she looked very much like she had when he had brought her home from Austria, scared and unsure of anything.
“I think pretty much most kids thank their parents by rebelling, at least a little,” he said, kindly, trying to do anything to make her look less upset. Yes, the things he had said hurt on occasion, but Peter had been mostly able to not take it personally. He knew it was just a phase. And he also assumed maybe Anna just wasn't as affectionate a person as Lydia and Tasha were and that was okay too. She didn't have to be; he was happy with her just being herself as long as it didn't hurt anyone.
“Yeah, except you, because your Dad would have hit you!” Anna protested and Peter sighed.
“Just how long did this conversation between Aly and Liz go on?” he asked dryly.
“They were saying that Thomas hadn’t known but they were glad he did now. How they have both almost told him a few times over the years, but figured they were your things to tell.”
“Well. How magnanimous of them,” Peter grumped. He supposed he had to go into this a least a little. “My father was not a loving person. He saw me and Liz too as burdens, whereas he called my sister Margaret the ‘son he always wanted’ and when she died it got even worse. He was left with two children he saw as failures, because he had decided by the time we were born what he wanted us to be.
"All I want you guys to be is happy. Honestly. And I’ll be here to help when you’re not. I can’t imagine ever thinking a harsh thing about any one of you. I do think it’s why I can be overbearing sometimes. Why I repeat myself a lot by telling you I love you over and over again.” It was something Anna had often rolled her eyes about. “I don’t want any of you to ever feel even a little bit of what I felt growing up.”
Anna listened to every word and then she cuddled in against him, leaning her head on his shoulder. “You’re such a great Dad,” she said softly. “I don’t say it enough because you also enforce rules which are pants, but yeah...you’re pretty awesome.”
Peter chuckled and he planted a kiss on Anna’s hair. “You’re pretty awesome, yourself. And sorry not sorry about the rules, they’re for your own good! “
“Yeah yeah,” Anna said, but she was smiling now. "Lights out at ten, blah blah." Her smile faded though, and she sighed heavily, "I still have nightmares about him sometimes. Brunhardt. Do you?"
"Yes," Peter admitted, though he still wasn't about to go into detail with his teenaged daughter, no matter how much she needled him. "You think maybe we should both talk to someone about it?" He had arranged for her to see a child psychiatrist after he brought her home to London, and she had seen the woman for years and it had helped a lot. It didn't mean it couldn't help to see someone else now that she was getting older. Sometimes age put experiences into context and it couldn't hurt to get more help.
"Yeah," Anna said easily, and Peter was both surprised and pleased. "Yeah, I think we should. Are you tired, Dad?"
"Exhausted," he nodded. "But never of you guys. Never of you. You kids and Aly are my saving grace."
"You can tell you were a priest when you say shit like 'saving grace'," Anna laughed, but when once she might have said it disdainfully, now she appeared amused. "We miss you, but- Just get better, okay, Dad? Just- Just get better."
Peter closed his eyes and held her close, letting her obvious love for him provide a few bricks in the wall he needed to build between himself and his trauma. "I will," he said, sounding sure for the first time since this had all started. "I need time and rest, but I will."