Ashley Christian Harper (justwithmymind) wrote in darkcarnivale, @ 2011-08-21 22:49:00 |
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Current mood: | blank |
Who: Ashley & Alec
What: Trying to pick up the pieces.
When: About two hours after this
Where: Outside a bar
Rating: Med (for violence)
Status: Complete/Closed
Having grown up with a mother who loved the bottle more than her unwanted child had made Ashley Harper grow up with an understandable distaste and lack of understanding regarding alcohol. When his mother had gotten herself utterly plastered and shagged whatever young thing she’d decided she liked that week, whether they were the same age as her son or younger she didn’t seem to fucking care. When she’d forgone buying food for him to eat, or books for his schooling, or to pay for him to go to the zoo with his classmates so she could by another bottle of gin, or another bottle of whiskey… Ashley had never understood what it was that was so appealing about a drink that made you utterly reliant on it.
But as he received his third punch to the face and yet another kick to his ribs and didn’t particularly feel the pain, he was sort of understanding why people were so attracted to the liquor. He’d turned up at the bar with the intention of getting some big guy to punch him a couple of times to distract him from the world-ending pain he was feeling from the fact that he’d just been dumped. By someone who would likely be jumping into… whatever with the guy that he’d been dumped for. It was an extra kick in the teeth that it was Adrian. Ashley couldn’t stop thinking about how Julian had given more of himself to the stranger than he ever had done to Ashley, and then there was another person in his life that he’d loved and that had left him for someone else, something - someone - better. It wasn’t the first time, but Ashley was damn sure it would be the last.
The thought had been plaguing him since Julian walked into his trailer and plied him full of shitty cliches about how it wasn’t Ashley’s fault at all, but Ashley had to have done something wrong. Why else would Julian have been leaving him? But more than that, why would he have had to look elsewhere for something he obviously wasn’t getting with Ashley. If his mum hadn’t wanted him, why should anyone else? Why should anyone else want him if his own mother - the woman who had given birth to him and was supposed to have loved him unconditionally - thought he was a waste of space and had always treated him as such? He was replaceable, he’d called home not that long ago and some young kid had picked up the phone, called for his mum. Ashley had heard his mother’s voice in the background Coming sweetheart and he’d hung up. His mum had replaced him, Julian had replaced him, the Carnival could replace him with a snap of Arkady’s fingers, it wasn’t completely unheard of and Ashley’s stall wasn’t exactly unique. He was sure that there was someone else out there who had a more interesting idea for a game and who would undoubtedly be better at it than him.
He’d started off just wanting to get punched, but when he’d arrived at the bar, just over an hour after Julian had left his trailer, there hadn’t been anyone in the bar that looked like they could throw a decent enough punch. So he’d caught the bartender’s attention, thrown a fistful of stupid, flimsy American money onto the counter and demanded to be given a bottle of something that would stop his heart from hurting. His eyes had been red but not from crying; from Ashley scrubbing at his eyes to stop the tears before they fell: if he irritated them enough he’d hoped that they’d just stop watering altogether and he wouldn’t need to worry.
He’d finished most of the bottle that the bartender had been pouring for him, something clear that wasn’t gin, that burned as it went down his throat and the more he drank, the less pain he felt. He just…. felt numb. But the numbness wasn’t enough. Ashley wanted to hurt, so he’d walked up to the biggest guys that had come into the bar and insulted them, repeatedly, pushing and twisting until they snapped and turned on him. And even then, when they’d punched him a few times, he’d just pushed further, being taken outside and kicked into the dirt. Blood was on the asphalt, digging into the cuts on his hands and in his face but right now? Ashley didn’t really care.
At least he wasn’t feeling heartbroken right now. Just… broken.
Fortuitously Alec was also out that evening, to spread his figurative wings and taste a breath of air that didn't taste of Carnival. It wasn't that he didn't like his life, but sometimes it was nice to escape and just lose yourself in a crowd of people who didn't know the first thing about you. Of course his escape into town was as innocent as he might like to think as he'd come dressed for a purpose, to find somebody to help make him feel alive and sure they wouldn't have an emotional connection, but honestly? Even he was starting to give up the hopes of ever finding that. There was a reason he'd not let anybody close to him in the last thousand of years.
It was as he nursed a glass of whiskey that his ears picked up on the scuffle of movement that resulted in a few harsh words from the barkeep that had the would be fighters moving outdoors. It was as he turned his head and sharp eyes spied a familiar hat that his brow furrowed and concern bloomed to life in those startling blue eyes. "Ashley?" He asked to nobody in particular, but a distinct weight settled in his chest when he realised all of a sudden that the man being all but carried outside to get his ass kicked was his friend, Ashley.
Jesus.
Alec threw a couple notes on the bar and turned on his heel, long fingers sweeping up the hat from where it had fallen carelessly before he was making for the door. He wasn't quick enough to stop the first few punches and kicks, but he was there in time to catch the next punch. "You know it occurs to me," he remarked as he tilted his head and observed the gang of idiots. "These numbers aren't exactly fair."
"Fuck off," one man spat. "This ain't none of your business."
Alec tutted beneath his breath and levelled him with a gaze that had on more than one occasion turned a person's insides to jello. "That's where you're wrong because the man you happen to be beating up is a friend of mine and I don't take kindly to anybody hurting my friends."
The group of men laughed and the one whose fist Alec still held sneered. "And whatcha gonna do about it, pretty boy? Eyefuck me to death?"
"In your dreams," Alec retorted before his fingers clamped down and he all but twisted the other man's arm out of his socket until he was crying out in pain. A foot shot out to snap a section of bone at his knee, bringing the great hulk to his knees where he sobbed quite literally as he was in a world of pain. The Phoenix didn't get involved in physical altercations often, but did when it came down to a friend in need and after several thousands of years Alec had learned one or two thing about fighting.
He shoved the man away and ducked beneath a punch, clasping the ogre's neck to use his own weight and momentum against him. The result was that the larger man got a mouthful of brick wall that in Alec's estimation broke several teeth on impact. The last two exchanged a look at one another and considered Alec as he gave a half shrug in challenge.
Ashley coughed from where he was lying on the floor, spitting out a mixture of saliva, blood and grit onto the pavement and he looked up at Alec through glassy eyes that were still horrendously devoid of emotion other than mild annoyance at being interrupted. “I totally had them,” he pointed out, limbs shaking as he tried to push himself up into a seated position, alcohol and at least one kick to the head having him feeling disoriented and the swirling nausea of the world around him and the grief that was still trying to latch onto his mind. “I was just warming them up, y’know, to win.”
One of the guys snorted and made to move towards Ashley again when the Brit turned his face to look at the man in challenge but the guy hesitated, looking at Alec for a moment before he lifted a hand and indicated for his friend to help the injured couple up and lead them away.
“Aw, that’s no fun,” Ashley called after them as they were limping away, still unable to get himself into a fully seated position, “but yeah, you better run. I’ll kick your ass.”
His limbs weren’t doing what he’d wanted them to, he wanted to stand up but he couldn’t seem to even push himself into a position were he was more upright than slouched like some sort of drunken debutante. When the men had walked off, Ashley rubbed his dirty fingers along his lower lip, blinking rapidly because blood was dripping down his forehead and over his eyebrow, into his eye. There was a deep cut across his temple, another one in his hair that caused the dark strands to appear even darker, his nose was bleeding and so was his lip. His hands were bloody and underneath his shirt there would be a rapidly darkening bruise around a couple of cracked ribs. But that pain? That pain was distracting, and that’s what Ashley wanted.
“I didn’t need saving.”His words were soft and slurred and underneath them all was a current of self-hatred. But Ashley was certainly beginning to see the immediate benefits of drinking ones problems away.
Alec watched the men long after they'd turned to walk away just in case they tried to get smart and come back around for another try, he wouldn't put it past them. Only when he was sure they wouldn't did he allow himself to focus on Ashley, hissing in a breath at the state of him.
"Jesus," he muttered as he came down to Ashley's height, hands and eyes inspecting the obvious wounds. "And I hate to break it to you, Ashley, but you kind of did." Clearly something was wrong because the Phoenix could smell the alcohol on Ashley's breath and this was the man who didn't drink. Also? Picking fights with four guys that were bigger than you? Not smart and another clear indicator that something was wrong, very wrong.
He pulled off the scarf that had been around his neck and pressed it against the head wound, to stem the flow of blood and shook his head. "I think I need to get you home." Firstly to patch him up and secondly to find out what the fuck happened to make Ashley drink and look to get his ass kicked.
“No, I wanna go back into th’ bar,” Ashley mumbled, hating himself for leaning into the touch to his face slightly before he realised what he was doing and pulled away, wobbling with the precarious balance he’d found for himself and he just turned away from Alec, on hands and knees, fighting the sudden nausea that overcame him. He wanted Julian, he wanted Julian to not be, undoubtedly, with Adrian right now. He would bet anything that’s what was happening. Julian had left his trailer and Adrian had either gone to see him or he’d gone to see Adrian and they would be talking about what a shit Ashley was for not being okay with the whole situation.
He wanted to drink a little bit more because the hurt was starting to come back, creeping into his consciousness like a cancer, tendrils seeping through the cracks in his mind, in his defences, the shattered remains of what was left behind after Julian had taken it all away. Ashley didn’t really have much at the Carnival anymore. He had two friends. His two best friends had just… gone. Aubrey, he didn’t even know where they stood anymore, and Julian… Ashley couldn’t look at Julian. He knew he’d not be able to. He wouldn’t be able to look at him and not want to hug him or want him. He knew he’d not be able to look at him without feeling that horrible hurt that made him dry-heave in front of Alec.
“Dun wanna go home,” he said finally, after his body had stopped trying to make him throw everything up. The dry-heaving had done nothing but make him feel worse, make tears prick at the corner of his eyes. “Don’ wanna go anywhere.”
Alec frowned as Ashley attempted to fight with gravity and was apparently losing and he just shook his head, moving in to wrap the other man's waist with his arm. "Well you're definitely not going back into the bar. You've already had enough as it is." Tightening his grip but not to the point where he'd hurt Ashley he helped him to his feet and then clasped his face in his hands as Alec took this moment to really look at the injuries sustained.
They weren't life threatening, but they were still considerable enough.
Alec wiped the blood from Ashley's eyebrow away using his scarf and just returned it to its previous resting spot against the injury in that wild hair of Ashley's. The hat he'd rescued had been dropped to the ground in the scuffle, but Alec would pick it up and make sure it went home with them. He knew how much Ashley's hats meant to Ashley.
"Ashley," he spoke lowly and softly. "Look at me." It was a commanding tone of voice, the sort of voice you imagine a General might have when addressing a soldier. But it softened when he asked the next question, "what happened?"
“Why does’omething have to have happened?” Ashley asked, words slurring together as he refused to look at Alec. He couldn’t. The soft tone already caused Ashley’s lips to downturn in the corners, his stoic expression slowly starting to crumble at the edges. His voice shook, the most emotion he’d shown since Julian dropped the we’re breaking up bombshell.
When he blinked, a couple of tears slid down his cheeks and Ashley looked surprised before he uncoordinatedly reached up his hand to dash them away in the hopes that Alec hadn’t seen them. He’d struggled weakly when Alec had picked him up, but he needed the support: his legs just wouldn’t hold him up. His head was throbbing, both from being kicked repeatedly and from the explosion of his abilities earlier that had caused his trailer to rock, everything inside destroyed, no stone unturned, no item untouched.
Around them, leaves and bottles and cans started moving as if picked up by a soft, invisible wind, though their movements weren’t circular and they certainly weren’t coordinated, lifting and falling like baby birds trying to fly for the first time but not being able to. “Nothin’ happened. ‘m fine. Just wanted to see what this whole dr-”his voice broke again, this time on a barely contained sob, “-drinking thing was all about.”
Alec's chest tightened painfully when Ashley clearly struggled with whatever was going on with him right now and it was heartbreaking to watch. His gaze only moved from his friend's face when he noticed the movement around them and he knew Ashley was reaching out with his power unconscously to try and express himself.
"Hey," he muttered quietly as he pulled the other man into a hug. "I've got you, okay?" He hated how fragile the other man felt right now and how frail he looked, concern tripling as Alec just did his best to comfort him through whatever he was feeling right now.
Pain was an unfortunate side effect of being alive and it would seem that Ashley was feeling something that was beyond words, especially if it pushed him to drink.
“I don’t need to be got,” Ashley protested, though to be fair his words would have had more weight if the young man’s whole body hadn’t been shaking with the sobs he was repressing, if his voice wasn’t hitching and trembling and breaking with every other word, like they were being forced out of a space too small for them to slip through. Around them, the items were picking up speed, two glass bottles smashing into each other with enough force that the glass shattered and fell onto the floor, broken pieces catching the light of a nearby streetlamp.
He shook his head, power subconsciously reacting against Alec too, a weak pushing motion on the Phoenix’s chest, but since most of it was wrapped up in creating a whirlwind of chaos around them, cans and bottles crashing and breaking like they were having their own little riot, the shove against Alec was definitely weakened. But Ashley was reacting in the only way he knew how: he was trying to repress but his powers had other ideas.
“I’m fine,” he repeated, but it was with much less conviction, another blink and more tears ran down his cheeks from where his face was pressed against Alec’s shoulder, fighting valiantly with his own body’s reactions to the situation.
Alec knew Ashley wasn't fine despite the protests, how could this be fine? Even his body betrayed him as it trembled under the weight of his emotions as did his power as it swirled around them, shattering and breaking things. "I'm not going to judge," he remarked as he tightened his grip and just held on, willing to be the buoy in the turbulent sea of emotion that Ashley was currently experiencing.
All he had to do was hold on and ride it out.
It hurt Alec to see his friend in such a state and all he wanted to do was help.
“No,” Ashley mumbled thickly against Alec even as he tried to struggle against the grip around him. His heart was pounding, each beat painful like it was rubbing salt into his wounds, like he’d forgotten how to do the most basic of functions and his being was having a hard time with each one. “You’d just leave. Everyone leaves me.”
His shoulders shook again, around them, other items were being swept up into Ashley’s storm, a couple of bin lids, banging against other things like the cast of Stomp had decided to come and play.
“Everyone always leaves.” He hiccuped a little and finally - finally - fisted his fingers in Alec’s shirt.
Alec assumed that this was something to do with Julian, but he could be wrong. Trouble began when you assumed things and jumped to conclusions, he'd learned that several thousand years ago. He wasn't about to let go no matter how hard Ashley struggled, not when it was clear the other man needed him.
"Did something happen with you and Julian?" He had to ask, had to know. If it had then he could understand this evening because he knew how Ashley felt and heartbreak was never easy, even with age it still hurt as much the hundredth time as it had the first time.
At the word ‘Julian’, everything around them stopped moving. It all fell to the ground with a crash and a thud, the few bottles that hadn’t yet been broken smashing upon contact with the ground when gravity regained control over them. Ashley didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to, because he nodded and just broke completely in Alec’s arms.
There was no stopping the flood now the gates had been opened, and the sobs that wracked Ashley’s body came from somewhere so deep down and painful that it would have been hard not to feel for the guy.
“Everyone always l-leaves,” he hiccuped, “I shouldn’t be surprised. He found someone else. Someone better. There's always someone b-better than me.”In that moment, it would have been clear to the Phoenix that Ashley was just a young man, who tried his best to prove to all the world that he didn't need anyone or anything but really, there was a lot under the surface that no one ever got to see.
Alec knew he was on the money when the sudden movement around them stopped and came crashing down around their ears. He tightened his hold on Ashley as he broke completely and Alec did his best to comfort and guide the other man through his heartbreak and pain.
It hurt more than Ashley would know for Alec to see him in such a state, especially for one so young to be so upset and distressed. For all his confidence, Ashley was still a young boy that was trying to figure out where he stood in the world and desperately searching for somebody to care and be there for him.
"I'm sorry," he muttered softly. "But whatever happens, you have me and you have other people who care about you." Granted not in the right way, but there had been something in the Zoo that had made Alec wonder about Ryan and Ashley. "C'mon," he coaxed as he smoothed a hand over Ashley's neck, squeezing for a moment. "Let me take you back to the Carnival, get you cleaned up and see what we can do about making sure your hat gets home safely as well."
“The other people that amount to you, Ryan an’ Diana,” Ashley said softly, sadly. For a friendly guy, he didn’t have many people he considered friends, that he kept close and let in. Two of the people he’d considered his best friends he’d lost. Aubrey at some point… he didn’t know what point, didn’t know when, and now Julian. And now he had no one close, no one he wanted to- God, he missed Julian already, he hated the fact that Julian had given him his key back, just put it there like it meant nothing. Like everything had meant nothing.
He shook his head, “I don’t care ‘bout the hat, I don’t- I don’t care about anything right now. Can I have another drink? I think I’m sobering up. I don’t want that to be the case, they- I don’t- I can’t-" His voice hitched again, broke at the words that tried to escape but just wouldn’t make any sense. They tumbled over each other in a mess, a garbled, jumbled mess.
Pulling away, Ashley was vulnerable enough that he was taking Alec’s suggestion of going back to the carnival all wrong. He shook his head. “’s okay. I can make my own way back.” The world was spinning and Ashley just hurt everywhere, he hurt from the tips of his fingers to the pit of his soul, he felt like he’d been ripped apart and he knew in the morning he’d have to piece himself together and make out to the world like everything was fine because he wasn’t about to do anything that might make Julian look like the bad guy. Julian didn’t deserve that.
“You won’t stay,” he said finally, morosely. “No one does. Shouldn’t be surprising, really.” He wriggled out of Alec’s arms and leaned against the lamp post nearby to keep himself upright, though his eyes were on the floor, like he wasn’t really there. “When something better comes along, they leave. My mum didn’t want me. She always said she shoulda got an abortion ‘cause I was useless and unwanted. If she didn’t want me, why should anyone else?”
He scrubbed his hand over his face, lower lip starting to bleed again as he disturbed the faint scab that had formed over it. “I don’t even want me right now.”
Alec arched an eyebrow when Ashley said he didn't care about the hat, there was definitely something wrong there. Definitely. The man guarded those hats like they were his children, even if he had sorted some sort of part sharing deal with Ryan. He watched as Ashley wiggled free and leaned against a lamp post of all things to keep himself upright. "Ashley," Alec began as he shook his head, closing the distance again. "Don't say that. Never ever say that. You're a wonderful guy and despite what happened with you and Julian somebody would be lucky to have you."
Clearly Ashley hadn't had an easy start in life and nothing was easy when your parent - the one person meant to love you above all others - just didn't care and was too selfish to do it right, but that didn't mean he was cursed to be alone for the rest of his life. "And I'm not leaving you here like this, not when you're clearly not okay. I'm not leaving, Ashley." He cared too much to just turn away and leave his friend to get into God only knew what kind of trouble.
Therein lied the problem for Alec, he cared too much, one of the many reasons he'd been having something of an existential crisis as of late. Not that it meant anything now in light of Ashley's pain.
"So deal with the fact I'm not leaving you here to drown yourself in alcohol, it's the last thing you should be doing right now. Especially as you've been so fervently against it in the past."
“Everyone else does it. Alcohol stops it hurting, but I think I’m not so drunk anymore. Because it hurts again and I don’t know how to make it stop.” He pushed his fingers into his eyes, the scraped knuckles protesting at the stretching of the skin but it wasn’t enough and Ashley thought he might crumble again, so he leaned more heavily against the lamp post, still refusing to look at Alec. He didn’t comment for a long time and then decided against arguing: Alec wouldn’t listen to him, he was biased anyway and trying to make Ashley feel better.
Ashley didn’t want just anybody, that was the problem. He’d loved Julian with everything he had for so long he’d forgotten what it was like not to have that feeling. He realised he wouldn’t even be able to just swing in on Julian whenever he wanted now because he’d probably be with Adrian all the time now, and Ashley couldn’t see that, couldn’t see them together. He’d have to avoid the stall on the Midway, he’d have to get someone to give Julian his key back. If Ashley couldn’t think about Julian without feeling a stab of pain go through his very soul, how in the hell was he supposed to look at the guy, or look at him and his new boyfriend and be happy for them? He couldn’t do it. He’d had a hard enough time when it had been Aubrey that he was losing Julian to, and even then he wasn’t actually losing him. This time? This time Julian was so far gone that Ashley didn’t know if he’d ever be able to get them on the same patch of ground again.
“I can see the appeal. I-”he turned his gaze up to look at Alec, lost and scared and hopelessly broken-hearted, “-I don’t know what to do.” It was as close to an admission that he needed help as he’d ever get. “I- I’ve lost him.” And somehow, Ashley had rationalised that it was his fault. It had to be. People didn’t just pick others over him repeatedly for no good reason. The common denominator in the whole thing was him, Ashley.
"Alcohol is not the answer," Alec advised sagely. "I've seen too many good men destroy themselves with alcohol to ever tell you that it's a viable option. The occasional drink isn't a problem, but when you use it to drown out whatever it is you're feeling there's a problem. It becomes a crutch and it's not one you want propping you up."
He frowned and shook his head, hand reaching out to rest against the side of Ashley's face. "Hey, this isn't your fault. I don't know what happened with Julian, but this break up is not your fault. You did everything you were supposed to do and more. Take this from a man that's been around for longer than most people have drawn breath."
Alec sighed and hated what an absolute mess Ashley was. "Please let me take you back to the Carnival. You don't even have to go to your trailer, you can come to mine. I just want to make sure you're somewhere safe and take a better look at all these injuries of yours. I care about you, Ashley."
As for Julian? Well, Alec couldn't comment. He doubted Ashley had lost him completely because they had been good friends beforehand, but this whole situation had definitely tipped the scales.
Ashley shook his head vehemently. He shivered, trying to pull away from Alec but the emotional state he was currently in, his legs wouldn’t work for him. His knees were shaking and his feet felt like they weren’t quite attached. He closed his eyes and then hid his face against Alec’s shoulder again, shaking fingers clinging and curling in the Phoenix’s shirt, as if he’d finally realised that there was a lifeline there if only he cling to it.
He made a soft sound, broken and shuddering, tears still fighting him for control. “I- I don’t want to go back,” he pleaded, “please don’t make me go back, I- I can’t- I can’t go back.”The weight of Julian’s key in his pocket felt heavy, it made him feel like it was burning a hole in his pocket, scalding his thigh. He wanted to rip his trousers off and stare at them from a distance. That wasn’t appropriate, but it’s what he wanted to do.
Alec’s words didn’t register about losing Julian. Well, they did, but Ashley didn’t believe him: he’d lost Julian to someone else, and it might not have been so bad as if he’d lost him to Aubrey, but for some reason, Ashley felt that it was worse. He’d lost Julian to someone who was a complete stranger. To some complete demonic stranger who Julian apparently felt more connected to than he ever had to Ashley. Ashley wanted… he didn’t know- had Julian ever loved him? Why wasn’t he good enough?
“Please don’t make me go back there.”
Alec frowned as Ashley all but hid in his shoulder and clung to him sounding all too much like a child. "Okay, okay." He squeezed the back of Ashley's neck. "How about we find you a motel room instead and I can take a proper look at what you've managed to do to yourself?"
He'd seen a motel a couple blocks away and only noted it because the middle 't' had been out of action so instead of a motel it was a moel. Alec noticed the strangest of things, he blamed the fact he'd been alive for so long that even the smallest of details seemed most important.
"Does that sound any better to you?"
Ashley nodded, “Yes,” he mumbled quietly because he didn’t want to go back to the Carnival, not now, not ever. Perhaps that was just impulse talking, but right now going back to the Carnival was the last thing he wanted to do, ever. “But ‘ve not hurt myself that badly.”
He wrinkled his nose and curled into Alec’s side. The hand at the back of his neck was comforting, but it just… Ashley felt awful for the way his mind was screaming at him It’s not Julian, it’s not Julian, it’ll never be Julian again.
He paused and looked up at Alec, eyes glassy and red-rimmed. He just wanted… well, Julian, but that- that made him pathetic, didn’t it? He was being utterly pathetic. But the idea of going to a motel was great.
The alcohol was wearing off. Was it supposed to go away that quickly? And now the soul-deep ache came back, along with the searing pain from the fact that he’d effectively been beaten up by four guys that were bigger than him and doing exactly what he’d wanted them to.
"C'mon," Alec remarked as he pulled Ashley against him and in a direction away from the bar. "We'll get you setup in a motel room and you can figure everything out once you're sober again."
He turned his head and pressed a kiss to Ashley's temple, hand in the other man's hair as he helped steer Ashley in the right direction and away from the ill felt place otherwise known as the bar. The more distance between Ashley and alcohol the better.
Hopefully the other man could heal from this, but the Phoenix was going to do everything he could to help.