Julian Markum (tangiblemoments) wrote in darkcarnivale, @ 2011-08-20 22:32:00 |
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Current mood: | crushed |
Entry tags: | ashley harper, julian markum |
Who: Julian and Ashley
Where: Ashley's trailer
When: Evening
What: The break up, can't get much simpler than that
Rating: Low (just lots and lots of pain)
Status: Complete
"I can't be with you."
The words hung between the two men, one of which felt like the ground was about to open up and swallow him whole whilst the other was probably feeling as though he'd had the rug pulled out from under his feet. Julian was well safe to say feeling like the most horrible person alive right about now, but it was better that he did this now instead of weeks and possibly months down the line and hurt Ashley further.
He'd barely slept last night and this much was evident in the way he looked, the decision weighing on his mind like no other object had or ever could. He'd never wanted to hurt Ashley, but he was going to do exactly that. All because he'd gone and had insane chemistry with a demon that was more than he appeared and Julian hated himself for that and for this.
Julian fully expected Ashley to hate him and he wouldn't blame him if he did. He deserved it and more, so much more. He swallowed and braced himself for whatever was coming, he probably wouldn't have resisted it, not when he knew how in the wrong he was. He supposed his only saving Grace was that nothing... physical had happened whilst he was with Ashley, but he supposed the other stuff was just as bad if not more so.
His next life? Karma was totally turning him into some sort of pond dweller.
Besides, Ashley was his best friend and sure they'd said no matter what happened they'd still be friends, but things like didn't really stick during times like this. Not when it was a time of hurt, anguish and probably anger. Words became empty and meaningless because actions spoke louder and Julian's actions right now were screaming.
"I just- I'm sorry, Ashley. For everything. For not being the person I should have been for you and I know you probably don't believe me but I never meant to hurt you. That was never my intention." And it hadn't been, he'd never gone into this thing with the "let me see how much I can hurt Ashley" but it probably came across that way. Julian remarked as he felt he needed to say something or anything just to break the painful silence.
He inhaled and pushed the breath out of his tight chest. "You deserve a lot better than me. A lot better in fact." Julian rubbed at his hair. "And this isn't a reflection on you as a boyfriend. You've been... great, more than you should have been all things considered. I'm the douche, always have been." Julian wasn't exactly the most verbose, but he was... talking for the sake of talking, trying to make Ashley understand this was all Julian and had nothing to do with him. Ashley had been a better boyfriend than Julian ever had and he deserved to be with somebody who could return the favour.
"I'm so sorry," he finally finished.
Ashely had sort of seen this coming. He shouldn’t have been surprised, that something… something would happen. “It’s Adrian, isn’t it.” It wasn’t even a question, more a statement of fact and Ashley felt like his stomach had suddenly become this bottomless pit and for a few seconds he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think past the sudden surge of hurt that ripped through him. He’d- he’d always known this thing with Julian was too good to be true, after having been in love with the guy for so long, to finally bloody get him and then not-
Ashley rubbed the back of his neck and for the first time in their long friendship, Ashley visibly closed off in front of Julian, any emotions that might have been swimming in his eyes disappearing behind a weirdly blank mask and the smile that Ashley greeted his marks with appeared. It didn’t matter that his whole world felt like it had been rocked: he couldn’t- he didn’t know what was worse, that he’d had Julian in the first place and now wasn’t interesting enough to keep him, or good enough or whatever…
But why would he have expected anything different? His own mother hadn’t wanted him, why should anyone else? And in a carnival of people who were all amazingly interesting and diverse, what was some displaced Brit? He wasn’t anything. Even in the Carnival he was replaceable, he didn’t serve any kind of vital function and apparently, even to Julian he was easy to replace.
estelwillow: “You’re sorry,” he said, voice eerily flat and calm. It shouldn’t have been. Ashley’s throat felt tight and he was having difficulty breathing, but there wasn’t even a wavy thread in his voice. Around the room, a few items wobbled a little of their own accord, Ashley’s powers unconsciously reacting to the pain he was feeling but refusing to show. “Well, that just makes everything better then.”
He took a breath, forcing the slight downturn at the edge of his lips to go away.
“If he’s what you want, then go and take it, but don’t give me excuses, Julian. Platitudes aren’t going to bloody help here and you know it.” Especially if he didn’t mean them. Ashley felt, right now, that Julian didn’t mean them. Why’d they even started this thing? Why had Julian even kissed him in the first place?
Julian visibly straightened as Ashley's voice took on that tone and he bit out the words that he did, chin lifting as if he was mentally preparing for whatever came next. His jaw ticked and his throat worked visibly as he swallowed the words that sprung to his tongue lightening quick, knowing they'd do no good right now. He had no right to retaliate, not when he was the one doing the breaking and hurting. But he was sorry and it needed to be said, even if Ashley didn't want to hear it.
"Platitudes?" Julian repeated, brow furrowing. "I'm not-" He caught himself and forced his lips together, tension present in the line of his jaw. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen." And Ashley might not believe him but it was the truth, Julian hadn't planned any of this. He wasn't nasty or evil enough for that and yes he wasn't a saint, but he wasn't a complete villain.
He felt a swell of emotion and pushed it to one side, hoping that by trampling it down and into the pit of his stomach he might not feel it, might not feel the immediacy of the reality. Julian hated himself enough for the both of them, his criticisms turning inwards until his mind felt as though it was on the brink of being torn apart by the nagging voices telling him what a shit human being he was.
Julian rubbed at the back of his neck and looked at Ashley, hating how he'd all but blanked him out and locked everything away. It was the same thing he did with marks and now because of his choices Julian would receive the same treatment. Their friendship would no longer stand for anything and in truth he was pretty sure that was exactly what he deserved.
He inhaled a shaky breath and looked away for a moment as he felt the first telltale signs of burning around the eyes.
“No, I’m sure you didn’t. But like I said, if you wanna go shacking up with some demon from hell and letting him bugger you in his trailer whilst all his birds watch, then that’s what you want.” Ashley lifted his shoulders. The only indication that he was upset outside of the words coming from his mouth was the items around them wobbling as if there were a small earthquake in the trailer. Everything that wasn’t secured was shaking, but Ashley hadn’t even noticed.
There was a pain in his head, a burning in his throat and he thought he was going to be sick. He- He refused to cry in front of Julian. Ashley felt hurt and humiliated, and whilst he knew on some level that maybe Julian’s words were true, they felt like empty cliches right now. The ‘it’s not you it’s me’ when everyone else in Ashley’s life had abandoned him… it had no meaning. In fact, it had fuck all meaning because each time it couldn’t be them, it had to be Ashley. But Ashley didn’t know what he was doing wrong.
He was looking at Julian, but not actually at him. Like he was looking past him, through him, as if he wasn’t really there because if Ashley focused and actually looked he knew he’d break and he refused to break. He fucking refused to break down and show Julian just how much this hurt him. How this was- well, how it made him feel like he’d been stabbed in the chest, the pain blossoming and making each bloody beat of his bloody heart thunk and thud, echoing against his ribs and in his ears and through his mind.
He couldn’t breathe, still, mind imagining what might have happened on that cycling trip where Adrian and Julian had been gone all day. What else had happened in the time that Julian and the demon had been hanging out? Even if nothing had happened physically, the fact that Julian had been… harbouring feelings for someone else it was the biggest betrayal of all. That the demon had gotten so close in a matter of weeks and it had taken Ashley years of patience and care and fighting tooth and nail for every scrap of personal information Julian threw his way, every single little piece of history and every tiny brick from those indomitable walls that surrounded the real Julian. Ashley found himself wondering if he’d even been let in at all, or of the demon was getting to tread new ground.
Six years… Ashley should have known it was too good to be true to finally have the guy he’d loved for all that time, seen have feelings for someone else and then… it was all happening again. It was too much.
“Did you ask me to hang out with you because you felt guilty?” he asked finally, almost as if he was expecting the answer to be ‘yes’, tacking on spending time with his actual boyfriend on the back of the boyfriend that Julian actually wanted.
He lifted a hand. “Never mind. I don’t want an answer.”
His lips pressed together and he was making eye contact, as soon as Julian lifted his head again, that stabbing sensation in his chest at the watering of Julian’s eyes. “Just don’t make excuses. The ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line is overdone and bullshit most of the time and we both know it. Look, whatever you want to do, just go do it, okay? I’m not gonna hold you back from someone that’ll make you happier than I ever could.”
Julian's posture hardened a little at the biting comment to leave Ashley's lips and he breathed out, just giving a despairing smile as his hand came up to tug at his ear. Buggering him? And what exactly did Ashley think they were going to be doing if and when it had ever come to that? The lack of emotion on Ashley's face and in his voice was unnerving to say the least, especially out of the two of him he was the more emotional one. Maybe that was what was needed for Ashley to just deal with everything that was going on. Although, honestly? It was also distressing. That he just.. whatever, didn't matter what Julian thought, he was just going to take what was given and deal with it.
So what if he was the only one close to tears right now.
"Fine," he remarked quietly as he ran his tongue over his teeth and just breathed again, hating how even that gave away an emotional state he was not comfortable in. Showing any form of weakness or vulnerability was on most days a challenge for Julian and here he was close to tears. "I'll do that then, but I really didn't mean to hurt you." He ducked his head and wiped his thumbs beneath both of his ears, feeling the damp sensation of tears against skin. "Just thought you deserved this much from me." He looked up and held Ashley's gaze for a moment before he stepped back, pausing only to pull a key from the top pocket of his jacket. "I thought you'd want this back." Julian swallowed hard as he placed the key down on the nearby surface, gaze and lips wavering as the emotion threatened to drown him. "This is the last thing I wanted." And with a blink of his eyes the first tear hit Julian's cheek before it was brushed away as Julian pushed out of Ashley's trailer.
Ashley stood still until the trailer door clicked shut and then chaos exploded behind the walls. Things flew around the room like a whirlwind had come out of nowhere, destroying precious things, lifting them and depositing them with little care for where they landed, things smashing on the floor that later, Ashley might be upset about. But right now, the telekinetic storm on a scale like nothing Ashley had ever done before was the perfect visual representation of the way that Ashley felt.
He was left kneeling in the middle of the chaos, the only section not affected or damaged, shoulders shaking and head bowed as the pieces of his life lay around him shattered, metaphorically and physically and he didn’t even know how to come back from that.