WHO: Gar and Sioux Petersen WHERE: Gar's Trailer WHEN: Sometime after this scene. WARNINGS: Surprisingly, none. STATUS: Closed and Complete.
When Gar didn't show up for work that night at the burlesque tent, the girls were concerned, but they all laughed it off, saying maybe he'd gotten caught up with a new lady friend or something. Sioux wasn't so sure; she had a hunch that something was amiss, and as soon as her show was over she pulled on sloppy low-top Converse and her short denim skirt, a pale yellow t-shirt bearing a logo of some obscure 80s punk band on it. She walked to his trailer and knocked, using her free hand to shake glitter out of her white-blonde hair.
He'd been buried under the blankets and sheets and pillows of the recently neat bed for days now. He hadn't eaten, or drank, he'd just been either laying there lost in loneliness and despair, or sleeping. When he heard the knock, he happened to be in one of his awake cycles. "WHAT?!" he called out, his voice hoarse and phlegmy. He cleared his throat and remained where he lay. He wasn't expecting company really. He had no steady girl, and he supposed that only Arkady would be coming around to chew him out for not showing up for work. He could lose his job and his safe haven, but right now, it didn't matter. The safest place on God's earth would still be the loneliest for him.
Sioux sighed, then twisted the doorknob. He hadn't locked it, probably because he could skin anything alive that tried to fuck with him, and so she let herself in and closed the door behind herself. "Gar... are you by yourself in here?" she called. A cautionary measure in case he had a naked mark astride him or something; maybe the other girls had been right. The place was worse than she remembered, messier.
That voice. His heart and ears recognized it as soon as the words had left the lips of the speaker. Sioux. He clamped his eyes shut under the blankets and felt the pain in his heart double, and the tears start anew. He would have preferred the icy and scolding words of the Ring Master than the tender, and worried tone of his former lover and pet. They were over, but he'd never gotten over her. "Alone... Always..." he said in a hoarse voice, and remained where he was under the blankets.
"Gar... come on, what's going on?" she asked, toeing off her sneakers and climbing onto the bed. There was nothing sexual in it now, though this was the first time she could remember being in this bed fully clothed. She would always care for him, just not like a lover anymore. She wormed her way against his side the way a puppy that had crept into bed was likely to do, her hand on his shoulder. "Talk to me, please? What's going on? You weren't there tonight, I got worried."
He felt her draw close and the old habits and urges rose to the surface, but he forced them back down. She had moved on, and even though he hadn't asked, or investigated, he knew she had to have new lovers. He didn't want to think about that. Slowly, he first wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gave her a long, strong hug. He sniffled, he didn't care if she saw how much he was hurting. Tears continued to run down his face, and with his other hand he pulled back the blankets so she could see his face. It was still sin stained and now tear stained as well. "He's gone." he said in a choked tone. "I'm alone again." he said and stopped there. His eyes found hers and he studied her face, so delicate, so beautiful.
"Sam?" she blurted, then winced a little the instant it was out of her mouth. Of course Sam. The funny, dreadlocked angel who had come to stay with Gar had left. She reached up to touch the fine mane of black hair, stroking it from his stained brow. "Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. You aren't alone, you have all of us here."
Gar looked at her for a moment, then looked down and shook his head. "You can be my friends, but you can never know.... me. You cannot know what it's like. I don't have a family anymore. I don't have a pack like the wolven. I don't have a Fae court, I don't have... anyone like me." he said and then sighed. "I love you, but I had to let you go be with your kind. I was smothering you. I just.... I don't belong with mortals. I'm realizing that now."
"You're different than we are," she agreed, still petting his hair the way one might soothe a large, upset lion. She kept gently easing it back from his temples, working her fingers through the inky strands. "But we do care about you, Gar. You're loved here." Her eyes were earnest on his. "I have never quit loving you, even when I left. I just couldn't be what you wanted, and that was my fault."
He had to look away from her when she said that she had loved him too. His heart felt like it was tearing in half. "I tried to take advantage of you. I wanted to enslave you. There are no slaves anymore, they are no places for me to fit in. Not even here. I know I am welcomed, and valued, and profitable..." he said, then took in a long breath and sighed. "I'm grateful for the sanctuary, but it brings no joy, no comfort." he said quietly.
"You have to stop thinking that you need other angels, that's part of the problem, Gar, baby," Sioux told him firmly, her hand on the back of his neck now to make sure he didn't turn away from her too far. "You can't have a pack of angels anymore. But you can still have a family. A manmade one that's full of people who all care about you in different ways. And isn't that better than nothing?"
He wanted to tell her it wasn't the same thing, or even close to the camaraderie he'd felt with his fellow Grigori. He'd given his heart to a human woman, and a family once before and had tried numerous times to fill that void with other humans, but it never worked. It always ended up in hurt for him, the woman, or both. "It's something, but not the full thing." he said at last and continued to look into her eyes. He couldn't lie to her, and he knew he never wanted to. "It's just... something missing. Humans... Mortals... they don't know the Presence, the feeling of the Divine. It's like being starved of air, but not enough to kill, just enough to make you unwell." he said and tried to explain it to her. "I bury the pain in flesh, and pain. It never works."
"You can't... you can't get back into Heaven right now, Gar," she told him softly, her voice gentle. "If you could, you would've already gone home, right? So maybe you just have to keep trying to take pleasure in the little things, you know... the human things. We're not divine, but we give you what we can."
"I could let them find me. End me. I would prefer that then falling into the hands of the truly Fallen, and Lucifer's minions. I won't be a puppet and as much as I am angered by His actions, I won't fight him, or his hosts." he said and looked down her her laying beside him. Perfect, she was still so perfect. It was no wonder he'd fallen for her so hard. "I take pleasure, and it never fills anything empty inside of me." he said and realized she was the only person outside of perhaps Sam he could be this truthful with. "This is Hell, this is the eternal punishment. The pit was kind in comparison to how I m now."
"I can't believe that," Sioux said softly. "Hell is not this place. You have family here, friends, Gar. People who would miss you so much if you left." She moved her hand to cup his jaw, the marks on his face traced with her fingertips and their silver lacquered nails. "You are a good man, Gar... everyone here knows that. You're not going to turn yourself in, and you're not going to let them kill you either. This will pass like everything does, you know that. Maybe Sam will come back."
Gar managed a dark chuckle, but kept his chin in her grasp. "No. The Carnivale is not the Hell, but being trapped here in this plane that is neither Heaven, or Hell. If I were in either, I would not have the luxury of being woeful, and carrying on like this. It would be raw, eternal punishment, or... death, a final death." he said and glanced toward the closet at the foot of his bed. Hidden there was the glave that could end it all in just a couple of fast slices. He could not end himself of course, he would need assistance. He knew he could never ask her to do that, to stain her soul with such an act, so he looked back to her and lost himself in her gaze. "I love how you have faith eternal in happiness."
"You have to," Sioux maintained, not pulling back from the grip on her chin. "I'm mortal, Gar. I'll be dead in two years or ten or fifty or whatever's my big preternatural design, and I'm not guaranteed any kind of eternity. I think that I have to make the most of the time I do have, and I can't waste it worrying about things that're beyond my control."
"So. I should live like it could all end tomorrow?" he asked her and stroked the side of her face gently, then brought his hands down to rest in the folds of the blankets again. "I can't think of things to do that I have not done already. There has been so much time already. So many lives lived out, all over this world." he said quietly. "Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep, be like a statue and sleep through time."
"What, like unplug yourself? That's a chickenshit thing to say," Sioux said softly. She was never one to sugarcoat things, not even when it was Gar and she could see how much suffering he was feeling. "You're supposed to be this great big warrior and you're afraid of things like time."
"I'm afraid of being alone, for all time to come." he said patiently and gave her a fleeting smile. "It takes another immortal to understand the stress of unending living. You can afford the luxury of living in the moment, and the day, or week. I've had millions of months, and years. There is only so much I can do, or see in my situation." he tried to explain to her, and knew that she would not be able to fully understand the magnitude of immortality, just like he could never appreciate the finiteness of mortality. "I didn't realize how lonely I was, until he came to stay. He filled a great missing part of who I am, or who I was."
"There are other people here, you know, who won't die," she told him earnestly. "Why can't you go hang out with them? Riley or the Phoenix or one of the vampires, they're going to be around forever... or the thunderbird, right? I think he's immortal," she murmured, pursing her lips. "But you guys could form like, an old-as-fuck club or something. Play dominoes and talk about the good old days before dinosaurs."
Gar could not help but laugh at her suggestion to form a club. He chuckled heartily, then leaned forward enough to place a kiss on her lips, then leaned back just as quickly. "Old as Fuck Club.... I think that could be interesting... We could all sit around, get drunk and argue about how we remember the way the world used to be before wheels, and civilization and all of that." he said and reached a hand up to rub at his scruffy chin.
"Exactly," she said, good enough that he was laughing. The kiss caught her a little off-guard but she didn't bat a lash for him to see, just leaned back against the pillows and smiled a little. "You can't give up, Gar. I know stuff looks bleak and shitty right now and it sucks that Sam left, but please don't lock yourself in here and just mope about it. Emo went out with Morrissey, man."
"Don't you get emo once a month and eat ice cream and paint your toe nails with your girlfriends?" he shot back at her with a crafty smile. Clearly she was helping his mood. "I think after a few million years, I am entitled to my own Emo periods now and then." he said and poked the end of her nose with this finger. "Maybe you should find me a new playmate. I promise no collars and brands this time..."
"I don't know anybody who could keep up with you," Sioux half-laughed, then shook her head a little, scrunching her nose at the poke. "Maybe you should talk to Izzie. She's fucking gorgeous. Be gentle though, I think she got jacked around by that demon fuck that everyone was so taken with." She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Fucking demons. Is it racist or whatever to say that I wish Arkady would quit letting them in?"
Gar was smiling at the offer of perhaps warm female company, then he frowned at the mention of the Demon. "What demon?" he asked as casually as he could. "I don't have time to keep up with all of the comings and goings in this circus." he explained to her. "What sort of demon is he?" he asked her with a cock of his head slightly to the side, and slowly stroked his hand up and down her side.
"The stupid one that was fucking Izzie," Sioux explained patiently. "Adrian, but that isn't his real name, it was Cain or Caim or Clam or something, I don't remember. He talked to birds and all of that... surely you heard about him. He was here for like, a month and hit on like everything that moved." She rolled her eyes again. "But I think Iz was really starting to get smushy for him until she found out he was hooking up with other people the whole time."
Gar listened to her narrate and when she paused he looked right into her eyes. "Did you fall for him too?" he asked as neutrally as he could. He couldn't do anything if she had. They were no longer a couple or any more than friends. He was merely curious as to how far this demon had infected, or seduced the females of the carnivale.
She snorted. "The demon? Uh, no." Apparently Gar hadn't noticed her canoodling with the new love interest, Cassidy; she doubted he would've approved of her running around with a vampire, but Cassidy was so much like Sioux that it seemed almost destined to be when they first clicked. But Adrian? No, she'd never seen the appeal. "Not my type, he wore more makeup than I own and he liked to flash his cash around," she said with a snort. "If I wanted a metrosexual sugar daddy I would've stayed in California. But yeah, Izabella... she's really something. You should talk to her. She's not human."
Gar was relieved that she wasn't smitten by the demon, but had a feeling that perhaps she had another lover, and for now, he wished to continue to remain ignorant of his name. He was not above irrational, and violent jealousy. "Tell me about Izabella. But only if YOU think she is good enough for me. I suppose since I can no longer feel you writhing beneath me, I only want to bed those you think are suited for me." he said in a completely serious and deadpan tone as he kept his eyes locked with hers.
She rolled her eyes again in response to his innuendo-laden remark, sticking her tongue out slightly. "You're fucking gross, don't talk about our sex life," she scoffed, swatting at his hip with her hand. "Izzie is fucking cool. She's half... basilisk, or some other snakey thing, I am a bad friend and I can't remember," she said. "She can spit venom and has scales. But she's like, the hottest girl ever. Her body is fucking banging. And she's really smart and funny too."
Gar snarled at her swipe and upon hearing the description and breed of the woman Izabella, he groaned and flopped onto his back. He draped his arm over his eyes and sighed loudly. "No... No... No lizard, or Basilisk women thank you..." he said, and didn't want to elaborate that deep down, he wasn't so sure that a look from her couldn't turn him into stone. "Not my type." he said and gave another sigh. He was quickly sinking into that state where staying in bed for a few weeks was starting to sound good.
"Why? She's awesome. I snuggle with her all the time and trust me, that chick is rad. You could give her a shot before you write her off anyway," she snorted. "Besides, you're going to live forever, it's not like you're 'wasting time' by trying something new, right? Jesus, if everything had been left to people like you we'd still be trying to figure out how to capture fire."
Gar lifted his arm up off of his eyes so he could glare at her. "Am I not allowed to have preferences even though I am an immortal? Am I supposed to have to, or want to bed every breed of female just because they exist?" he asked her and sounded just a bit annoyed. "I don't like the idea of her... breed. Nothing more. I'm sure there are sorts of men you won't fuck just on preference..." he said, and was going to throw Roddy in her face, but decided to take the high road, this time anyway.
"You are a total pussyhound," Sioux scoffed in accusation. "I've seen some of the marks you've gone off with... they look like rejects from 'Jersey Shore'." Not that she expected him to catch that reference since he didn't exactly watch MTV, but still! "Besides, this isn't all about fucking. I genuinely think you'd like her personality."
"All I want is to fuck." he replied in a dread tone. "I've given my heart, and my love, twice. Not again. Not this century anyway." he said and covered his eyes with his arm again. "No attachments. No commitments. No pets, no slaves, no marriages."
"So why not a friend? Or a girlfriend? You know, there are ways to show affection that don't involve branding somebody," she mused conversationally. "Speaking of which, did you give me some of your heavenly mojo, and I'm not talking in euphemisms? I have weird dreams sometimes."
He was blowing off most of what she was saying until she asked if he had given her something of his power. His arm came off of his eyes, and he rolled over quickly to lay on his side and looked down at her, his expression very, very serious now. "What did you say? What is happening to you?" he asked her and again his eyes locked with hers, seeking deep into her.
"Well, the other day I woke up and there were feathers everywhere..." she began, then saw that he had a serious expression on his face and dropped the bullshit. "I'm not saying I had a halo or anything, but I've been having weird fucking dreams. Fighting, a lot of fire and swords and Tolkien battlefield shit."
Gar stared into her eyes, thinking, trying to put together what was happening, and what she could possibly be seeing, or experiencing. "Who was fighting? What did they look like?" he asked her and all the petty bullshit talk about fucking and women and the trappings of human life he'd indulged in were forgotten. "Tell me everything. Everything you can remember." he said, then realizing how manic he must have sounded, he gently took one of her hands in his.
"I don't know. I couldn't tell," she said a bit uncertainly. His intensity was sort of off-putting, startling her. "It's not every night or anything, just sometimes... very weird. I don't know. I can't explain it. It's just a sporadic thing, I wake up all sweaty and freaking out like I was just in a really intense fight. There's always a lot of fire, like I said. And sometimes this weird noise, it's too high-pitched to be human."
Gar chewed on the corner of his lower lip as he listened to her, and with another sigh, he looked away, out of the window next to his bed. "Memories. Mine. That is the war for heaven. The Throne fighting Lucifer and his Rebels." he said quietly. "I was on the side of the Throne, of course. It was a terrible war. Angels against Angels. Ones who were by birth my brothers, and sisters... I had to slay them, or they would slay me, and take over the Heavens." he said and sounded very regretful about that fact. "So much have I lived through, so many years, so many conflicts." he said and dropped back down onto his back again. "I'm sorry to have... infected you with that. I had no idea it would happen. My best intentions have again hurt and wounded."
"Uh, no, it's okay... it's just like watching a weird-ass movie when I'm asleep," she said, shaking her head a little bit. "I'm not upset or anything, but, um... weird. It's not exactly a happy dream." She reached out to touch his forearm. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that, Gar. I know I can't exactly fix it or whatever, it's way out of my league, but..."
"It is not for you to fix, nor do you need to understand. It was a war, so long before the humans were even around. Your kind has had many wars, and many are called to fight on one side, or the other. No war is good, no matter where it is held, or what it is for." he said, and knew it was blasphemy to say such, but he was no longer part of the paradise he'd fought to defend. He was like so many forgotten veterans, left to fend on his own, haunted by his past. "I don't know how that happened to you, I can guess. My blood, used to heal you, stayed with you. I don't know what else will come of it. "I'm so sorry. I did not want to keep you tied to me. I wanted you to be free."
"There's no freedom when there's ever been love. Shackles, ghosts, it's all the same," she told him gently, and she touched his shoulder again. "Your blood's in me, I guess, and I'll have to deal with that. Maybe it'll wear off or something."
Gar didn't seem to be eased by that thought. He had never known of this sort of thing before, and he was no worried all the more for her well being, her sanity, her very soul. Who could he ask about this? Where could he start to research to find out the effects of mingling Angelic, and human bloods? He sighed again. "I'm sorry. I will make it right. I will find a cure... something." he said softly. His week was just getting worse and worse by the minute.
"Don't worry about it," she assured him. "It's really okay, it's not like I"m pissed off at you or something." She shook her head, then moved her hand to his hair and stroked it back. "You don't need to stress out, Gar. Seriously. You and I, we're cool. I'm glad we're still friends, honestly. I wish you'd come see me sometime and not be so closed-off though."
He rolled over onto his side and looked at her again. "I want you. SO much. It's torture to watch you, to not touch you." he said and leaned forward and touched his forehead to hers. "I will come though. I will come see you, because you wish it."
"We can be friends and not fuck, I promise," she told him softly, the tiniest smile touching her lips. She didn't draw her forehead away from his. "I'm here for you, you know? We're buddies. You can talk to me and I'm not going anywhere, Gar."
"I know that, and I will try not to forget it again. You are a very good friend to me. I promise to reach out to you." he said and vowed to make good on that promise. "I'll return to work, soon. I need to explain to Arkady before he turns me out on the road." he said quietly. He didn't think the Ringmaster seriously would do that to him. He did help rebuild the busted up Midway for free after all. "I will see you at the Tent, and around."
She nodded, then tilted her head to kiss his forehead. "Be good," she told him, getting off the bed quietly and heading for the door.
Gar gave a smile as she kissed him, and he watched her move to depart. "Thank you, for coming to find me. No one else would have." he said and gave her a wink of those deep green eyes. He was still feeling low, but better now that he had seen her.