Entry tags:

2008 mini holiday exchange, fic

Happy Holidays, Dianamoon/Dizilla


Gift For: dianamoon/dizilla
Title: Sev & Lily: The Pilot Episode.
Author: ???
Pairing(s): Implied Snape/ Lupin/ Evans threesome.
Summary: The prompt was: Will & Grace type story with Lily & Severus living together. Maybe welcoming in their new neighbour, Remus Lupin. Ending in a threesome is a plus.
Rating: PG-13
Author's notes: A script for the UK version of Will & Grace, Snupily style.



The flat.

[Table set for three. Lily is trying to fold napkins into impressive shapes.]

Lily: You will look like a swan, damn you!

Severus: Any particular reason why you are torturing the table linen?

Lily: They’re supposed to be Serene Swans. It’s in this Anthea Turner book.

[Severus sneers at book, then starts folding a napkin]

Severus: And we require avian-themed napkins because....?

Lily: I’ve invited that tasty new neighbour round for dinner, don’t you remember?

Severus: Of course.

Lily: Ha! No you don’t!

Severus: Which one? Not the blond one?

Lily: No.

Severus: Good. He’s a control freak.

Lily: Look who’s talking!

Severus: Oh, not that dark-haired one with the motorbike?

Lily: Not him.

Severus: Just as well. He’s a pathetic show-off.

Lily: Hmmm. Nice arse though.

Severus: I wouldn’t know.

Lily: Liar! No, I’ve invited Remus Lupin.

Severus: Who?

Lily: You know: shaggy brown hair, blue eyes, lovely shy smile...

Severus: Broad shoulders, scar on his left cheek, hips that seem to do the samba without even trying...

Lily: Aha! You do know him!

Severus: Hardly noticed the man.

Lily: Well, it’s been ages since I had a boyfriend...

Severus: You’re not the only one, missy.

Lily: ... and I think he’ll do nicely!

Severus: You’ll be lucky.

Lily: Aha, well, that’s where you’re wrong, my chutney-ferret chum. You know they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?

Severus: Which is anatomically incorrect, for starters.

Lily: Maybe. But it’s the starters and the main course that will whet his appetite. His appetite for me!

Severus: I doubt it.

Lily: Cheeky bugger! My cooking isn’t that bad. And anyway, even if he’s not moved by my prawn surprise and the coq au vin, he won’t be able to resist the dessert.

Severus: Which is?

Lily: [points, with flourish, to dish on table] Chocolate fondue!

Severus: What?

Lily: It’s warm melted chocolate, which you dunk things into.

Severus: I know what it </i>is</i>! I’m not an idiot!

Lily: Well, I did wonder.

Severus: Chocolate fondue. Heavens above! It’s like the 70s never left. And what, pray tell, are we dunking?

Lily: We’re... oh.

Severus: Yes?

Lily: I’ve... erm... forgotten to buy anything to dunk.

Severus: Fabulous.

Lily: Never mind. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’ll just...

[doorbell rings]

Lily: He’s here! How do I look?

Severus: Slightly desperate.

Lily: I think I need another button undone. Blokes like a bit of cleavage.

Severus: Pity you don’t have one, then.

Lily: [undoes two buttons on blouse] There. How does that look?

Severus: Terribly desperate.

Lily: I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.

Severus: He certainly will if he has a fetish for ironing boards.

Lily: Meow! Bitchy doesn’t suit you, Severus.

Severus: Now you’re confusing me with someone else.

[doorbell rings again]

Lily: Eek! Right, am I ready?

Severus: Well, you’ve started sounding like a pet shop, so I imagine you are.

Lily: [opens door] Mr Lupin! Hello. Welcome. Come in! It’s lovely to see you!

Severus: [whispers to Lily] You’re waffling. Stop.

Remus: Delighted to have been invited! And please, call me Remus.

Severus: [shakes hands] Remus. No sign of Romulus, then?

Remus: Aha ha. No. I’m afraid my parents didn’t think to furnish me with a twin.

Severus: Pity. You can never have too much of a good thing, I say.

Remus: Ha ha! May I have my hand back now, please?

Severus: [looks slightly flustered]

Lily: Sev, a word? [drags him into the kitchen] What are you doing?

Severus: Making small talk. Being pleasant to our guest.

Lily: Pleasant? You? [frowns] Why?

Severus: Because I am the consummate host.

Lily: Try again.

Severus: Because, by the end of the evening, I’m hoping to consummate my relationship with Mr Gorgeous there.

Lily: Oh no, you don’t! He’s mine!

Severus: He’s gay.

Lily: I don’t believe you.

Severus: Course you don’t; because you didn’t feel the handshake he just gave me. [looks smug]

Lily: Right. I’ll prove it. You get the wine, I’ll bring the food.

Severus: [smoothing his eyebrows] It’s a seduce-off!

[Lily puts the starters on the table. Severus pours wine. Each trying to catch Remus’s eye]

Remus: [looking at table] Well, this is lovely!

Lily: [looking at Remus] Isn’t it?

Severus: [looking at Remus] Mm-hmm.

Remus: [picking up napkin] And you even have ducks!

Lily: They’re supposed to be swans.

Severus: Lily made them.

Remus: Oh, I’m sorry. I always seem to be putting my great big...

Lily: [stares at Remus with rapt expression] Yes?

Severus: [stares at Remus’s crotch with rapt expression] Yes?

Remus: Foot into my mouth. They’re delightful.

Lily: I bet they are. [looks at Remus’s feet] What size?

Remus: I meant the napkins.

Lily: Oh! [giggles and fidgets with low neckline]

Severus: More wine, Remus?

Remus: Thanks. It’s a beautiful place you have here.

Lily: [gazing at Remus] Well it is now!

Severus: [hissing at Lily] Creep.

Remus: You’re a very welcoming couple.

Severus: We’re not.

Remus: No?

Lily: Oh, no. Haha! What Sev means is that we share a flat but not like that.

Severus: We have separate rooms.

Remus: Oh, I understand. You’ve been married a while, then?

Severus: Certainly not!

Lily: Sev bats for the other team. [winks]

Remus: A cricketer?

Severus: Close. A homosexual.

Remus: Ah, I should have known. A straight guy would never be able to carry those off.

Severus: Those? Which those is that? [winces and frowns]

Remus: Your cuffs.

Severus: Oh! [fidgets with cuffs]

Lily: I keep saying they make him look like an extra in a Dickens film, but will he listen? No! Mr Gnarlyknob there has no idea when it comes to...

Remus: They remind me more of a Regency beau, actually. [smiles]

Severus: [smiles flirtatiously at Remus]

Lily: [smiles flirtatiously at Remus]

Severus: [looks at Lily and frowns] Lily, a word? [drags her into kitchen] Eyes off him, thank you. We have the proof. I win!

Lily: What do you mean, proof?

Severus: He’s gay! He noticed my cuffs.

Lily: Yeah well, they’re hard to miss.

Severus: He said straight guy. This is England. No straight guy says straight guy.

Lily: Maybe he’s spent time in America?

Severus: Only a homo would compare me to a Regency beau. It’s elementary.

Lily: Yeah? Well, if he’s so gay, why was he staring down my blouse then, Sherlock?

Severus: Probably trying to work out whether you’re a tranny that’s forgotten her padding.

Lily: Oh, ha ha, my friend. I’m still not convinced.

Severus: He passed comment on the sodding napkins!

Lily: Oh bloody hell! So he did. You win.

Severus: Thank you.

Lily: Bloody, stinking, rancid, cheesy, fetid hell!

Severus: And there goes my appetite.

Remus: [comes into kitchen] Is everything alright?

Severus: Yes.

Lily: No.

Remus: Problems?

Lily: Look, I suppose I ought to come clean. I didn’t invite you just to be friendly.

Remus: No?

Lily: No, I was kind of hoping that we might develop into something more, but now that I realise you’re gay, I...

Remus: I’m not gay.

Lily: You’re not gay?

Severus: Oh, please! You’re trying to tell me you’re straight? After the napkin display?

Remus: Of course not. I’m bi.

Lily: [smiles] Really?

Severus: [smiles] Really?

Lily: Well, that is interesting. Sev, isn’t that interesting?

Severus: Extremely. So, Remus how do you fancy an extensive guided tour of the bedrooms?

Remus: With both of you?

Severus: [huskily] Oh yes.

Lily: [throatily] Oh yes, oh yes!

Remus: Thought you’d never ask! [links arms with them both] Lead the way!

[they exit to a bedroom and shut the door]

[pause]

[Lily runs out of the bedroom, picks up the chocolate fondue]

Lily: Hang on! I’ve just decided what we’re going to dunk! [dashes back into the bedroom]


End credits.