Rose Morgan (rose_tinted) wrote in dalton_rpg, @ 2011-08-17 02:54:00 |
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She'd started to get back to normal, at least outwardly. She was eating, drinking, blinking...she hadn't slept more than a couple of hours since the hospital, though. Right now, it was closer to dawn than midnight, and she was still sitting curled up on her bed, turning her shark's tooth over and over in her hands, with the same song pumping in her ears as she'd had since it happened.
"How can I feel this empty?
I will not recover this time
This loneliness is killing me..."
Repeating again and again, even the heavy metal riffs were soothing, and, adding in that she hadn't slept for so long in such a stressful time, Rose's eyes finally began to close.
She was in a bright white space of nothingness, and a figure in Scottish formal dress was standing in front of her, his back to her. She stepped forward. He didn't register her existence. So she did the only logical thing and grabbed his ass through his kilt.
Ian swung around to glare at her. Suppressing a grin, she pulled her best innocent face and whistled a jaunty tune, hands clasped behind her back. "Wasn't me. I'm an innocent in all this."
"You're about as innocent as I am... And that isn't very."
Rose harumphed. "I'm pure as the driven snow. "
"And most snow that's driven in is grey or black so there you go."
She pulled her best 'hmph, conformists' face. "Black. Black like my heart. Geddit, cos im goffik. "
Ian snickered.
"You love me," she teased him.
"Even in death," Ian replied, looming creepily.
Suddenly serious, Rose became very interested in her feet. "I'm sorry I let you die," she said quietly.
"You had no control over that. Seriously."
"I did."
"How. Explain that to me. Are you suddenly God?"
Rose snickered. "What do you mean suddenly?" she asked in a weak attempt at a joke.
Ian looked at her askance. "I'm serious, explain your reasoning so I can point out how you're so much wrong and remind you that there were guys with GUNS that CHOSE to shoot instead of being, you know, not assholes."
"I picked a fight. We could've just let them take our things and leave but nooooo, Little Miss Smartass had to make it SERIOUS."
He smiled a bit sadly. "Eh, you just had the guts to do what I was only thinking of.... I'm a terrible boyfriend. So much for the big strong protector."
Rose gave a pale imitation of a laugh. "Like you were ever the fucking protector here, Mac. "
"Either way. I would've gotten my ass shot some how. Not really surprising. I get stopped from killing myself only to die like this. They're the ones who used a gun. You were just being you. I'm never going to blame you."
"I'm always going to. "
Ian gave her a Look. "Well that's just stupid."
Rose managed a sarky grin in return. "No you."
"Well, duh."
"Touche "
"Tushie? Awesome." He pinched her butt. She slapped his hand away, laughing.
"You retard "
"I'm the hottest zombie ever and you know it," he countered.
"Nope, hottest zombie ever is the Tank we hit with three consecutive molotovs."
"Only zombie you'd have sex with?" he tried.
The mood shifted again. Rose looked at him oddly, like she wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. "...yeah, 'bout that. In case you needed another reason to be pissed about what happened, guess who was going to get some when we got home from the gig? "
"Are you shitting me? Goddamnit. Well fine, I'll just hook up with some fly angel bitches. You know how it is. I'm totally pimpin' in Heaven."
So she ended up choosing laughter. "You better dump the bitches when I die. And come keep me company in Hell. "
Ian looked her in the eye. "Remember how I thought I'd go to Hell? Turns out, not as easy to get into as we think."
"Well no, for you. You're you ." As far as she was concerned, that said it all.
"Sweetheart... I've broken..." he counted on his fingers "...six commandments. I should be in Hell by all accounts."
"Yeah, well. If there is a god, clearly he doesn't give a shit about the rules. Only about, you know, whether or not you're a fucking good person."
"Rose-love, do you regret at least some of the terrible things you've done?"
She thought about it for a moment, long and hard. "Yeah. But I'd still do it again." After a moment. "Except what I did to Mocchs. "
"I still say you're set. But either way. Two things left: You're not going to Hell and you didn't kill me. So. There you go."
"You would say that, Angel Pimp ."
"Precisely. Besides, once you're in heaven, you'll be a girl proper, 'cause everything gets perfected."
"So you haven't changed then?"
Ian snorted. "Cute. Sickeningly so."
She grinned up at him. "I know, don't I just make you want to vomit forever?"
"That's why my--nevermind, I won't make that joke."
Rose blinked at him. "...what?"
"Trust me, love, you don't want to know."
"You telling me what I want?" she asked in a mock threatening tone, crossing her arms and tilting her head.
"Yes," he answered bluntly.
She frowned. "See, I didn't care before but now I'm curious."
"I know love, but if I say it..... It'll hurt you."
"More than you getting shot three times in the chest and dying all over me?"
"Mmm. Almost a fair point."
"The fuck do you mean 'almost'? "
Ian rolled his eyes. "Fine. I was going to say your cuteness is so much that's why my heart exploded. Okay?"
Rose stared at him for a long, long while, then abruptly burst into wild laughter. Ian was forced to facepalm.
"You're disgusting," she gasped out after a while, grinning.
"You're a freak," he returned, deadpan. "Only you would find that funny. My poor heart is ripped to shreds, literally, and you laugh. O woe."
"I can do my recent trick of staring blankly at walls if you prefer.," Rose offered brightly. Ian looked hard at her.
"No, no doing that. You need to live. I'm not going to ask you to be happy or get over it 'cause that's just fucked up. But... live."
She looked at him, the smile wilting slightly. "Don't worry, dude. I'll be leaving you with your angel bitches for years to come before I come and slap you upside the head. "
"Hey, by then you might've fallen for someone else. And, you know, if you do, I'm okay with that."
Rose looked away. "Let's not think about that yet, 'k?"
"If he's an ass I'm going to haunt him," Ian insisted, then added, "Unless you go lesbian. And then I'm just going to be horrified."
Rose got all up in his face, pulling a disgusted face and sticking her tongue out like a little kid, imitating him in a whiny voice. "Ewwww, girly parts."
Ian stared, then palmed his face most mightily.
"You love me," Rose prompted. "Saaaay it. "
Ian smirked. "Well, you are the reason."
"The reason for what? Dude, I know you're a ghost and all but you don't need to get fucking cryptic. "
"It's a fucking song, Rose."
She frowned, hurt by his tone. "Ooh, somebody's cranky ."
"I just can't believe you don't know that song. My dad has this video I made for you. Well actually it's in my room with all my shit. That stuff's willed to you anyway. Yes, I had a will, what with my suicidal tendencies...."
She held up a hand to quiet him. "Wait, the video he gave me last night?" It should be sitting on her desk now, untouched.
"Well that's one of them anyway.... But yeah. That one probably."
She pinched her nose,frustrated. His dad had given it to her almost 12 hours ago. "Can't believe I didn't fucking watch that yet. "
"Seriously? Well I guess you were probably tired of crying...."
"Wasn't that. "
He frowned. "What was it?"
"Blaine's staying over," she attempted to explain, although she wasn't so clear herself. "I didn't want him to see what it'd do to me. "
Ian snorted again. "Didn't take him long to get there."
Rose rolled her eyes. "Think he thought I'd an hero or something ."
"You generally do when it comes to the emotional stuff, sweetheart."
"I do fucking not," she huffed.
"You do too."
"The fuck do you mean? "
"When you break down, it's massive," Ian explained. "Like... Nuclear meltdown emotional shit. From all that bottling up you do."
"I didn't break down this time," she protested.
"Just because you didn't cry doesn't mean you didn't break down. If you're just staring at walls? Breakdown."
"Nope, that's the stage beyond breakdown." She twisted her necklace between her fingers, trying to dissect her chaotic emotions. "I think they call that bit 'denial' ."
"It's denial if you're saying I'm not dead. You're at guilt already." He paused for thought. "Or anger. Whatever it is. I never looked this shit up."
"How about all of them at once?" Rose suggested morosely.
"Except acceptance."
She mulled that over for a moment. "Think it's in there. Somewhere. I just don't want to accept it right now. I sure as hell aren't ready to lie down and accept that you're really gone and it's over. "
"Ain't over until the fat lady with my kidney sings."
She looked at him, her voice cracking oddly. "I love you so fucking much."
Ian smiled back. "Why, 'cause I'm so blase about my death then medical mutilation for the benefit of others? Or because I worship the ground you walk on? Or that, in a couple of years or after college or something, I would have so asked you to marry me?"
Her arms folded around her, holding herself in, Rose looked up at him from under a furrowed brow. "Oh, yeah, great, make me feel better about losing you, why don't you?"
"That was always the plan," he said with a shrug, and added with a touch of sadness, "So much for plans."
She looked around the empty whiteness, suddenly awkward. "...fuck, now I feel like shit for telling Blaine I didn't expect us to last. "
"I didn't expect it either. Which is why it was so awesome we were doing fine."
"We were doing great," she corrected him. "I still can't believe that could fucking happen."
"I can," he returned. "Kind of my luck, y'know."
That didn't cheer her up any. "Shut up, it shouldn't have. It's not fucking FAIR, even by life standards." And she knew how unfair life could be. It was just...he deserved better. And this wasn't even normal bad luck. This was ridiculous.
"Life isn't ever fair so there are no standards," he told her gently. "Think about it this way - I died at the perfect moment. We were together, perfectly happy with no worries in the world. There was no chance for that to fade or get horrible so for the most part you'll only have good memories."
Her voice was quiet, almost inaudible. "Except for the end. "
"Bit of a given.... "
Her fists clenched. "I'm scared that's all I'll remember in the end."
"It won't be." His voice was calm and reassuring. She felt a wave of love wash over her, thinking of her beautiful boyfriend's smile, his scowl, his voice...dancing at the prom, headbanging at the last gig, holding her close...
"...no." she agreed softly, then leant forward and kissed him hard. She felt him smile against her lips as he pulled her closer, his hand in her hair, her arms wrapped around him as if she could hold him there forever, both of them drinking each other in as if...
"...in the end there will be no suffering (more suffering)
In the end we will find out everything (not everything)
In the end you may question your belief (what belief)
In the end you will realize someday
How you were saved
This has gone on too long (too long)
No more demonic Dreams
Destroyer come to light
Because the memory is killing me!"
She blinked awake blearily at the California sunshine glaring in through her curtainless window, clothes rumpled, earphones askew, clutching the shark's tooth tight to her heart, and for a moment she was happier than she'd been since he'd died, until her gaze fell upon the video on her desk, and she remembered he was gone.
She could still taste him on her lips.