Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
FIC: "The Little Wizard's Book of Slutty Goosings," various thinly veiled teachers, R 
24th March 2011 23:15
Title: The Little Wizard's Book of Slutty Goosings
Authors: [info]pre_raphaelite1 and [info]thegildedmagpie
Characters/Pairings: Fil(ius Flitwick), (Po)Mona (Sprout), "Mr. Snap"(e), "Madam" (Pomfrey), a Professor (Slughorn), a Prefect (Weasley), a Seer (Trelawney), a Caretaker (Filch), a Headmaster (obvious), (Gilde)Roy "Hartlock," and McPuss-in-Boots (also too obvious to dignify with a parenthetical).
Rating: R
Content/Warnings: Perversion of childhood memories, bad language, watersports, voyeurism, orgies, student/teacher, rectal exams/medical fetish, dubcon, various magical creature cameos which may or may not count as bestiality, references to public sex locations, Dumbledore's pants.
Word Count: 1109 (but some of it is "poetry")
Author's Notes: We are pleased to announce our long-awaited collaboration upon the total defilement of your childhood. Er, that is ... Fred and George are pleased to announce ... yeah.



To Mr. A. Goldstein,

As per our conversations, we are including samples of our forthcoming book,
A Little Wizard's Book of Slutty Goosings, for you to provide sample illustrations. The book is well over 100 pages in its current form and we wish to include at least one illustration per page at the rate of 3 galleons per illustration plus a 8% share of the profits.

Please provide us with 1 image per selection, unless the "spirit" "moves" you to make more, if you catch our meaning.

Looking forward to a profitable relationship with you.

Yours,
F and G Weasley, Publishers


***
A Little Wizard's Book of Slutty Goosings

***

Fun with Fil and Mona
We look and see. Mona, look and see!

Look, Mona. See Fil. See Fil's wand.
See Fil's wand rise.
Mona sees Fil's wand rise.

Oh, Fil. Oh, see Fil. Happy, happy Fil.

Fil played. Fil played with his wand.
“Look at me,” said Mona. “I want to play.”

Fil said, “Good, you may play, Mona.
You may play with me.”

“Look here. Look at me,” said Mona.

Fil looked at Mona.
Fil played with Mona.
Mona played with Fil.
Mona and Fil played with Fil's wand.

Oh, Mona. Oh, see Mona. Happy, happy Mona.

***

A Hogwarts Rhyme

Hey little miss, the caretaker pissed,
The squid sodomized the seer
The gamekeeper wanked to see such fun,
And the house-elves came in the beer.

***

A Fable for Wizards Big and Small

There once was a teacher who was bored as he sat at his desk, sluggishly marking a stack of essays. To amuse himself, he took a great breath and cried out “Orgy!”

The students came running to join in on the orgy, but when the arrived in his class, they found no orgy. The teacher laughed at the sight of their angry faces.

“Don't cry 'orgy' when there's no orgy, Professor.” They went grumbling back to their dormitories.

Later, the professor ejaculated again, “Orgy! Orgy! There's an orgy with vampires!”

And again the students came running, only to find no hint of an orgy and only the large and laughing teacher.

The professor laughed once more as they returned, dejected and unsatisfied, to their dormitories.

Later he saw a REAL orgy, complete with vampires, veelas, and Quidditch stars. Excited, he stripped his clothes off and screamed “Orgy! Orgy!”

But the students thought he was trying to fool them so they didn't come.

In the evening, the students wondered why the teacher hadn't come to dinner so they went in search of him. They found him naked and panting.

“There was a real orgy here! Why didn't you join in? There was cunt and arse aplenty!”

A bespectacled prefect tried to comfort the teacher. “We will have an orgy of our own,” he said, taking the teacher's sticky cock in hand. “But remember, Professor: Nobody believes a liar. Even when they tell the truth.”

***

An Exam with Madam

You would not like
a rectal exam?

I would not
like it,
Madam-I-am.

Could you, would you,
with a ghost?

I would not,
could not,
with a ghost!

Would you, could you,
at your post?

I could not, would not, at my post.
I will not, will not, with a ghost.
I will not take it in the rain.
I will not take it on a train.
Not on the desk! Not on your knee!
Not in the Hall! You let me be!
I would not like it on the pitch.
I would not like it with a bitch.
I will not take it in a bed.
I would not like it with some head.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it ANYWHERE!

I would not like
a rectal exam!

I would not like it,
Madam-I-am.

You would not like it.
So you say.
Try it! Try it!
And you may.
Try it, Mr. Snap, I say.

Madam!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
We will see.

Say!
I like this rectal exam!
I would! I like it, Madam-I-Am!
And I would take it at my post.
And I would take it from a ghost.

And I will take it in the rain.
And in the desk. And on a train.
And in the Hall. And on your knee.
It's so good, so good, I see!

So I will take it on the pitch.
And I will take it from a bitch.
And I will take it in a bed.
And I will take it with some head.
I will take it here and there.
Say! I will take it ANYWHERE!

I do so like
a rectal exam!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Madam-I-Am!

***

McPuss-in-Boots

“How are you going to win me the hand of the Headmaster, McPuss?” asked yellow-haired Roy Hartlock.

“You only need to trust me, and do exactly as I say,” replied McPuss-in-Boots, idly sharpening her claws on his sensitive regions.

“All right,” said Roy, wincing. “What should I do?”

“Take off all your clothes and throw them into the river,” replied McPuss-in-Boots as she tightened her corset lacings.

Roy did not like this, but he was hungry to win the hand of the Headmaster, so he did as McPuss said. As soon as he was bare, McPuss gave him a hearty kick with her thigh-high boots and sent him tumbling arse over teakettle into the cold river. Oh, how he shrunk!

Just then, the broomsticks of the Headmaster and his companions went by. McPuss sprang into action, waving her arms over her head and jumping up and down to get their attention. “Oh, help, help!” she cried. "My master, the Marquis of Curvyass, was set upon and buggered by a pack of centaurs who stole his clothes and kicked him into the river!”

Surprised to see a cat teetering on such high heels, the Headmaster landed to speak to McPuss. When she had told him the heartrending tale of the centaur buggery, the kindhearted Headmaster was moved to help. He quickly arranged for the cold, wet, golden-haired boy to be dragged from the river and given one of the Headmaster's finest plum-lavender-and-gold robes and a pair of peacock-blue velvet pants from his own travelling-trunk.

“That's almost as flamboyant as the clothes the Marquis of Curvyass usually wears,” said McPuss-in-Boots.

***

A Little Wizard's Prayer

Now I lay me down to suck
I hope to have one more good fuck
If I should come before I wake
The house-elves will my wet sheets take.

Comments 
25th March 2011 08:07
*cackles*

Nicely deviant. I like it. Lots.

*snorts*
25th March 2011 10:33
Oh Dear!

Oh dearie, dearie me!

*Snerk*
25th March 2011 15:57
Dear Lord.

Sirius has far too much to say about this and he's not being let near the keyboard, especially since I think he's about to wet himself from the expression on Anthony's face. Except, I also have to mention that there was a chorus of horrified moans and distracted eyebrow raising from the peanut gallery at the awful elf-on-beer abuse. :D

Things I love:

“Orgy! Orgy! There's an orgy with vampires!”
*snarfle*

An Exam with Madam
Just... appalling, full stop. And hysterical.

the Marquis of Curvyass
Oh, yes, Gildy. That's you, alright.

Awful and wonderful and prompting much brain bleach, but in the most amusingly deviant-appropriate of ways.

*kisses to both of you* XD *dies*




25th March 2011 21:09
Madam!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
We will see.

Say!
I like this rectal exam!
I would! I like it, Madam-I-Am!
And I would take it at my post.
And I would take it from a ghost.


I... I... I just... what...

XD
26th March 2011 10:18
Anonymous
I don't understand why I haven't read naughty Dr. Seuss before. It's just so brilliant!
And the Marquis of Curvyass.
*grins*
27th March 2011 20:14
*helpless with laughter, limp with admiration* You've got every nuance of tone and style down perfectly. McPuss in corset and heels is a delight, of course, but the rectal exam. . .my dears, you have surpassed yourselves.
28th March 2011 19:36
*falls over laughing* xD Ohh.. the mental images.. *cries with laughter*
1st April 2011 11:19
Oh, hilarious! I especially like McPuss and the Marquis of Curvyass :-)

PurpleFluffyCat x
7th April 2011 08:10
Sooo funny! I think Fil and Mona could have been BDSM, though, for the puns.
But Mr. Snap! And Orgy! Orgy!
What a way to start the day - thank you very much!
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