Title: Every Flavor Heroes
Author: kinky_kneazle
Based On/Inspired By: The hilarious WWW's Dream Dolls by serpenscript
Characters/Pairings: Draco/Android!Harry, Hermione/Android!Remus, George/Android!Snape
Rating: NC-17
Content/Warnings: Rimming, Androids, dildos, very vague suggestions of bestiality (i.e animal-shaped dildos), fantasy, sex toys
Word Count: 2,500
Summary/Description: They're mix and match, guaranteed to be ready when you are and come with a free patented Daydream Charm. For any flavor of hero you like, try Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes' Dream Dolls.
Author's Notes: I laughed very loudly when I first saw this image and couldn't get it out of my head. serpenscript, this doesn't do justice to your image, but it was the only way I could pay homage. With love to my beta F, and a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to daily_deviant and all her deviant followers!



One Harry Potter head, with lightning scar. One body, size 'lean'. One dildo, size – that's the smallest we have, Malfoy, and not like the real Harry at all. Worried about your virgin arse, hey?


Draco unlocked his bedroom door then carefully took down the wards surrounding his closet and the box hidden within. One could never be too careful – his mother had seen it arrive.

While the wrapping was suitably discreet, the box had an artist's rendering of the five heroes. Naked. No Assembly Required flashed in lurid green at the top and at the bottom a tickertape informed the owner of the 'free patented daydream charm inside!' Box Snape pointed to a note saying that all proceeds were going to the War Orphan's Fund. Then he winked and Draco hurriedly opened the box.

Inside was Harry. His Harry. Apart from the strangely rippled appendage, Harry was just as Draco had always imagined him to be. Draco carried the torso to his bed before stripping and lying alongside. He'd had a plan – to explore the toy a little, to daydream a bit. To allow his imagination to do the work of arousing him. But his imagination had been doing that since the box arrived at breakfast so he just whispered the words of the charm and fell into the fantasy.

He was in his school uniform lying on his back on a bed surrounded by green. It was his dorm room and it looked exactly how he remembered it except for one thing: Harry Potter, whose eyes matched the bed hangings, was kneeling at the foot wearing nothing but a wicked grin.

Draco took in the sight slowly, pausing on the erect cock jutting out proudly from Harry's hips. Draco smiled. He was bigger where it counted; it was good to beat Potter at something.

"Undress me, Potter."

Harry crawled forward and straddled his legs and Draco's mouth went dry at the feel of the erection against his thigh. Harry ripped the shirt off and made quick work of his pants and Draco knew it was because of how badly Harry wanted him.

"Are you going to say anything?"

Harry shook his head and Draco thought the fantasy just kept getting better and better. Then Harry bent and took Draco's aching erection in his mouth and Draco stopped thinking. He threaded his fingers through Harry's silky hair and guided him with gentle tugs and softly murmured theres and mores.

He felt his balls tightening and tugged sharply. Harry obeyed the unspoken command, looking up with swollen lips and lustful eyes.

"Fuck me, Harry."

Harry nodded eagerly and Draco felt a stab of fear intrude on the fantasy. His first time and it was with an animated sex toy who wouldn't know to be gentle. Then Harry was spreading his legs and placing his tongue there and pushing gentle fingers inside, stretching him.

Before long Draco was pushing back, spine arching off the bed and lips crying out for more. That was when Harry flipped onto his back, dragging Draco on top of him. Between the two of them they got him positioned and Draco felt himself widening in a way he never had before, feeling full in a way he couldn't describe.

He started to move and it didn't take long for Harry to start bucking underneath him, long fingers digging into his hips, pulling him down again and again. Draco was moving his arse, not sure what he was seeking when suddenly there it was and he tilted his hips and felt the pressure building, taking over his whole body. He put a hand around his cock and Harry's hand was there too – one, two firm strokes and he shuddered, spilling over their hands as Harry thrust one final time into him.

Harry pulled away. He didn't cuddle, didn't kiss, didn't talk. He parted the curtains and silently slipped away.

Best. Fantasy. Ever.

* * *

Lupin head, the muscular body. Better add his scars. And the – Werewolf Wang and Doggy Dong combo? Who's this for? Hermione Granger, you kinky minx!


At first Hermione had been a bit disappointed by the daydream charm. After all, Red Riding Hood in a forest with Remus as the big, bad wolf was not only stereotypical and clichéd, it was kitsch. Remus had seemed to agree and he'd offered to carry her basket as they'd walked through the forest discussing how harmful these sorts of stereotypes were on those suffering lycanthropy, not to mention the women being objectified in slutty fairy tale costumes.

That was before he'd pounced.

She didn't know what had prompted the pounce – maybe the breeze wafted the smell of her perfume towards him, maybe he just saw a particularly suitable tree to prop her up in – but she did know that the pounce was what she'd been waiting for.

The tree was very suitable – he'd sat her in the fork of the tree and hooked her ankles around some handy branches, spreading her wide open. She had to hold on to stay upright and she was left completely helpless. He hadn't even touched her and she felt herself getting wet.

"You have too many clothes on," he said. Then he ripped her pants off. He didn't use a wand, he didn't work them off her ankles, he ripped them off, leaving her cunt exposed to the cool breeze and his amber eyes.

She thought she should be afraid of his wolfish grin, but it just made her heart beat faster in a good way. He slid his fingers inside her, smearing the moisture around and running his thumb across her clit. She jumped at the arc of pleasure that shot through her body.

"You like that?"

She nodded helplessly as his fingers began pumping into her body. Lips and teeth and tongue moved across her neck and she felt her blouse rip and he was nibbling at her nipples causing her throat to make whimpering little moans that she'd never heard come from her mouth before. She thanked Merlin that she was sitting so securely in the tree because if she'd been standing her legs would surely have given out by now.

"You have too many clothes on," she managed to whisper.

He stepped back and pulled off his shirt. The smattering of hair that covered his chest and trailed over his abs only emphasized the hard lines of his muscles. His trousers followed quickly and he was left in only white briefs that did nothing to hide the erection straining to get out. These he pulled down slowly, and it wasn't until he straightened that she got a good look at his penis.

It was long and thick and it was not human. This penis had a pointed tip and a bulge – a knot, her brain supplied – at the base and it throbbed visibly under her gaze. Severus Snape never mentioned that this was a way of recognising a werewolf.

"Remus, what a big… cock… you have."

"All the better to fuck you with my dear.

He stepped between her spread legs and his cock pressed at her entrance. He pushed the tip in and pulled it out, before teasing her clitoris with it.

"Please." Her voice sounded strangled, half moan, half breath. All plea.

He pushed against her and this time kept pushing, filling her until only the knot sat outside her. She moved her hands from the tree, wrapping them around his shoulders instead. He took a deep breath and thrust his hips forward and she screamed, her nails digging into his back leaving marks to join the scars crossing its length.

He stopped, resting his forehead against her, giving her time to relax, time to adjust to the size of him. She took a deep breath, then another. Another. Finally she looked up and pressed her lips and he moved again, sending sharp pangs of pleasure straight to her brain.

His hips moved in short, shallow pumps, but even the most miniscule movement caused a delicious friction between that knot and her sensitive nerve endings.

He released her legs and she wrapped them around him, every inch of her body pressed tight against his as he rutted against her. He snaked a hand between their bodies and just let his thumb rest on her clit and it was all it took to send her flying, a cry that was practically a howl escaping from her throat. He followed seconds later, nails and teeth digging in with delicious agony.

He carried them to the ground, his cock still inside her. Hermione wondered how long it would be before she could enjoy another fantasy, but even as she thought it she felt him stiffening inside her again. She smiled. The box had guaranteed staying power and Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes always delivered.

* * *

One Snape head, check. One 'cuddly' body, check. One tentacle cock, check. How you doing?


George carried the Dream Doll up to the apartment above the shop. Everything was closed and it was time for his favourite part of the work day: product testing! This doll was made with the parts that had proven not so popular and George was determined to make them feel wanted.

He spoke the words of the charm and felt the familiar feeling of disconnect sweep through him. Then he was looking at a naked Severus Snape who had a tentacle where his penis should be.

He burst out laughing.

"Mr. Weasley, this is no laughing matter. What have you done to me?"

George was laughing too hard to answer. He shook his head helplessly and wiped the tears from his eyes. Snape stalked over to him in what was surely supposed to be a menacing manner, but the effect was dampened by the tentacle cock which had a mind of its own.

"If you don't fix this, I'm going to hex yours off!" The last word was close to a scream and it would have made George laugh all the harder if Snape hadn't invaded his personal space. Not that George was the sort of guy who minded his space being invaded, but being this close put the tentacle within touching distance, and the cock wanted to reach out and touch. It pressed against the front of George's trousers, leaving Snape looking mortified and George feeling faintly horrified. George's cock – which also had a mind of its own – filled with blood instantly as if calling out to the tentacle kindred spirit.

"Fuck me." George could have kicked himself, but the words were out there.

"Excuse me, Mr. Weasley?"

"That's the counter to the curse. You have to fuck me."

There was a change in Snape's eyes, like the black became liquid and George felt like melting himself. The tentacle was sticking straight out, clearly wanting to touch and be touched.

"Very well, Mr. Weasley. Strip and bend over that desk."

"What? What about foreplay? A bit of slap and tickle?"

"I am doing this to facilitate a cure for my unfortunate predicament, not for my own pleasure."

"It could be pleasurable, though." George stepped forward and rand a finger along the tentacle. He smiled at Snape's sharp intake of breath. "All three of us could enjoy it."

Snape's hand grasped his neck and drew him forward into a crushing kiss leaving all thoughts of teasing and taking it slow lying in a puddle on the floor as he thrust his hips against Snape's thigh looking for friction and Merlin just a little bit more.

His clothes vanished and he eagerly bent over the desk, spreading his legs wide for Snape and his tentacle. Snape summoned some lubricant and spread it generously around George's arse, sliding those long, thin fingers into him. A soon as the lubricant touched his skin he felt every nerve ending sing and he gasped, cock getting even harder against the cold wood.

"Do you like it?" Snape's voice slithered against his ear even as the tentacle began to slither against his arse. "It's my own special recipe."

George wondered if he looked like a green schoolboy as he nodded so fast he banged his head against the desk. As Snape pushed his hips forward, pushed the tentacle further in, George realized he didn't care.

Snape's nails gripped his shoulders briefly then raked down his back.

"Do you feel it? Like you'd feel normally? Or is it completely separate?"

"It's just like a normal penis. Part of me, though not always following my commands. But it's more sensitive, and moves differently. Like this."

It started moving in opposite directions, like a wave inside him, and George pushed back.

"You want deeper?"

"Yes."

Snape pushed forward more until the wide base could go no further. He started thrusting his hips as the tentacle twisted and turned and George was grateful for the desk under him because he could barely stand under the assault of pleasure coursing through his veins.

He pushed back, raising his torso up so he could wrap a hand around his cock but Snape was there first. He started with a teasing stroke but George wrapped an arm around him and gripped tight to his arse. Snape's thrusts got faster and his hand kept time, steady, firm, fast, until every one of George's muscles tensed and he felt Snape inside him rippling as his arms got ever tighter and then the desk was covered with the evidence of his pleasure. Snape pulled out gingerly.

"Mr. Weasley, I still have a tentacle."

"I guess we'll just have to do it again."

"No you bloody well don't!" The daydream ended abruptly as Ron's voice invaded it. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Product testing. What are you doing?"

"Trying not to vomit."

George reached for his wand.

"Fine. I was going to invite you to have a drink with me and Harry, but now that the goal is to drink enough to wipe that image from my brain I don't think you should come."

"Bugger off, Ron."

"Why Snape?"

"I wanted to use one that hadn't sold well."

"Makes sense no one would want old Snape."

"Yup. Only one that's sold worse is your ugly mug."

* * *

"…and even worse, Harry, he was using one of those tentacle things that I told him wouldn't sell. Seriously those Dream Dolls have been more trouble than they're worth. I know things about people that I really didn't want to know."

"Ron, should you be talking about this?"

"I'm the proprietor of a prank shop, Harry, not a priest. Hermione ordered Remus Lupin and a bloody Werewolf Wang! Suppose if the girl has a fantasy about Werewolf Wangs I was never going to measure up."

"Ron…"

"Oh, and you'll never guess who ordered one of you! It was –"

"Silencio! Seriously, never agreeing to one of these things ever again, even if it is for charity."