Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
Fic: Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon..., R, Various 
16th February 2011 23:24
Title: Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon (Without Explicit Instructions)
Author: [info]eeyore9990
Characters/Pairings: Minerva McGonagall, Filius Flitwick, Pomona Sprout, Severus Snape, ensemble
Rating: R (for really? REALLY????)
Kinks/Themes Chosen: Sexology
Other Warnings: Misuse of Muggle Artefacts
Word Count: ~1800
Summary/Description: It's that time of year again...
Author's Notes: Deepest thanks to [info]r_grayjoy and [info]leela_cat for brain-help when mine stopped working.

And just because it's too damn funny, have a link to a real-life version of Pomona Sprout's lecture. (And what nearly caused this fic to be titled: There's a Fungus Among Us.)

As the staff meeting began to disperse, Dumbledore raised his voice over the noisy chatter and the scraping of chairs to say, "Heads of House, please remain behind for some start of term details."

At those words, Minerva McGonagall stiffened, her lips pursing in distaste. Beside her, Severus Snape twitched and bared his teeth while Filius Flitwick, fighting against the tide of professors fleeing the room, bounced on his toes, smiling amiably. Sprout simply dusted off her hands and said, "Anything different from last term, or is this about the sex talk again?"

~Gryffindor: Where Dwell The Brave of Heart~

Armed with diagrams and various models of the human body, Minerva stood at the front of her assembled students, her narrow-eyed gaze quieting the bunch while she did her best to ignore any ill-timed giggles. She took a moment to wave her wand at the portable blackboard set up behind her and waited until the words SEXOLOGY: The study of human sexuality appeared before drawing a breath to speak.

And then she stopped, perturbed to see that Hermione Granger was furiously scribbling notes onto a length of parchment with one hand while waving the other in the air above her head.

Minerva attempted to hide how flustered she was behind the air of stern disapproval she'd perfected over the years. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

"Will this be on our OWLs?"

Before Minerva could answer her, a hoot of laughter came from the back of the assembled students and George Weasley—Minerva had learned to distinguish him from his brother in pure self-defence—could be heard saying, "If it is, I'll join your study group, Hermione."

"No Skiving Snackboxes needed for that one, eh Georgie?" Fred asked, elbowing his brother.

There was a slight scuffle as Ronald took exception to his brothers' flirtations, then Minerva remembered herself and cleared her throat--loudly. "If everyone has quite finished…?" She speared the twins with a glare that simply bounced off their wicked grins before sighing and turning her attention back to the topic at hand. "No, Miss Granger, this lesson is strictly for the elucidation of the students."

Another breath was required to steel herself for the coming lecture, then Minerva began to drone on in her most monotone teaching voice. "Today's lesson regarding human sexuality is meant to educate those students of an age deemed appropriate by the Board of Governors in the biological facts and potential ramifications of sexual activity. You are of an age at which certain urges and desires tend to make themselves known, and while these are entirely normal, it's important that you know what they mean and how to deal with them..."

~Ravenclaw: Wit Beyond Measure is Lover's Greatest Pleasure~

"…but it's always best to learn from those desires and grow in knowledge of the seductive arts!" Filius said from atop a table in the Ravenclaw Common Room, his boundless energy transmitting itself to his audience. Selecting a visual aid from the pile laid out haphazardly on the table in front of him, Filius brandished it with a raised eyebrow. "Can anyone tell me what this is?" Every hand shot up, making Filius nearly burst with pleasure. "Yes, Miss Patil?"

"That's a rubber phallus, Professor, commonly referred to as a dildo."

"Excellent, Padma! Ten points!" Filius forgot himself for a moment in his exuberance, and swished and flicked the dildo as if it were his wand. With a little chuckle, he transferred the dildo to his other hand and drew his wand to award Padma with the allotted House points.

"For today's lesson, we'll be dealing with one subset of human sexuality: hetero-normative sexual behaviour. In heterosexual intercourse, the man—or the partner identifying as male—inserts his penis into the woman's—or the partner identifying as female's—vagina and sets up a rhythm to induce friction on the exterior of the penis as well as the interior of the vagina until climax has been achieved.

"But that makes it sound so dull, when in reality the act is considerably more exciting, I must say! After all, such a clinical evaluation doesn't even take into consideration the immeasurable stimulation which can be achieved for the man by fondling the testicles or for the woman by focusing attention on her clitoris!"

Filius dropped the phallus and lifted a visual aid showing a typical feminine groin-section. Peeling back the labia, Filius had each student come forward to feel the little nub of "flesh" where the clitoris could be found. "I've heard it said that the clitoris is hard to find, but if you know what you're looking for, you'll find it on the first go every time." Noticing a hand up, Filius called on Michael Corner.

"Can you give us any information on the female 'G' spot, sir?"

Grinning broadly, Filius cast Wingardium Leviosa on the groin and lined it up with his hips. "The Gräfenberg Spot, or the 'G' spot, Mr Corner, is an area located from fifty to eighty millimetres inside the vagina on the anterior side. If you want to find it easily, to provide a deeper stimulation and a more prolonged orgasm for your female partners—and good for you, Mr Corner!—it's easiest to find, in my experience, when the lady is assuming a position on her hands and knees with her partner behind her. Ladies, pay attention because you may need to educate your partners on the location of the Gräfenberg Spot… or locate it yourself on your partners should you decide to pursue relations with those of your own gender. Using two fingers, slide them inside the vagina until you feel a patch of flesh that's slightly rougher than the rest of the vaginal wall—"

"But sir! Is it impossible to stimulate the Gräfenberg Spot with our penises then?"

"Oh, of course not! But it's always easier to find it with your penis once you've located it with your fingers. And generally by the time men've got their testicles wet, so to speak, they don't tend to linger over finding the Gräfenberg Spot. At that point, it's probably best, for your partner's enjoyment, to focus more exclusively on the clitoris since it can be difficult to provide internal stimulation of the Gräfenberg Spot with penile insertion on its own."

"But if we're in that position," Marietta Edgecomb said, an edge of discontent in her voice, "wouldn't it be nearly impossible to provide prostate stimulation on our male partners?"

Filius stepped back from where he'd been simulating thrusting into the floating groin while teasing the clitoris and stroked his chin. "It would indeed. Perhaps a bit of experimentation is in order?"

Excited murmurs broke out as students abandoned their note-taking to volunteer to find the best position for both clitoral as well as prostate stimulation whilst engaged in heterosexual intercourse. Filius hummed happily while watching his students contort themselves into all manner of pseudo-sexual arrangement merely to solve a question of vital importance.

It was so nice to see such fertile minds engaged in the pursuit of knowledge.

~Hufflepuff: We're Not Afraid to Get Dirty~

"Now that we've laid the groundwork, I have to tell you that all of this penetrative sex they want you informed about is all well and good, but it's hardly the only form of pleasure to be had. No, sir! The difficulty with the standard bedsports is that they're designed for reproduction, and we don't want any of our young flowers to be fertilized before they're ready, now do we? That's why I'm going to take the rest of our session to tell you all about alternatives that will yield just as much joy but less, er, fruit..."

Rolling up her sleeves, Pomona looked into the bevy of earnest faces staring expectantly back at her and said, "Blow jobs. You've heard of 'em, you've likely seen 'em, today we're going to practice. Because, as we all know, the hands-on approach is—well, actually, that'd be wanking." Tilting her head, Pomona considered this before shaking her head and muttering, "Nought wrong with giving a tug while sucking one off." Raising her voice again so those at the back could hear, she said, "Everyone, grab a cucumber off the table. They'll look a bit odd, but I've cultivated these to have a bit of a malformation to them that resemble bollocks. You boys'll appreciate the effort, I'm sure.

"Grasp the cucumber firmly by the bollocks—no, not that firmly, Miss Bones—and lick the tip. Just lick it, now, and mind your teeth. While some blokes are fine with a bit of an edge, you'll want to have a nice long talk about those sorts of things well before you try them. For now, just hide your teeth behind your lips and… Err. No, not quite like that, Mr Finch-Fletchley. It's more of a roll…"

When the Common Room was filled with the sounds of slurping, Pomona looked around, satisfied. The youngsters seemed to have picked up on this lesson quickly enough. Time to move on to the next.

"There, now that you've got a good handle on cock sucking—and you'll definitely want to practice more on your own time—it's time to move on to orally pleasuring the ladies."

~Slytherin: Don't Even Think About It~

Severus' left eyelid twitched once as his finger tapped rhythmically against his wand. "No questions at all?" he asked, the threat buried under so many layers of silk that each of the gathered students automatically flinched. "I knew you were a bright bunch."

Turning to leave, Severus paused halfway to the portrait hole. "Should you feel the need for further information, I'd like to remind you that there is an entire library full of useful literature on the subject. I trust I won't be bothered with this… ridiculousness or any of its consequences in the future."

~Hogwarts: Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon~

The knock at the door was wholly expected, as was the sight of Minerva with wisps of hair escaping her bun and a bottle of whisky clutched in her hands. "Severus," she muttered in greeting before entering his quarters.

"Ah, I see your lecture went as well as mine."

"I honestly don't know how Filius and Pomona can look forward to these lectures. I mean, it's so humiliating."

"I would have simply said distasteful, but after the visit I received this evening..."

"The Lovegood girl?"

"Yes. Can you believe her effrontery in suggesting improvements to my lecture?"

Minerva poured them each a large glass of the whisky before turning to Severus with a withering look. "You think you've had it rough? She was comparing notes with Miss Granger when I left."

"Good god. The Astronomy Tower will never be the same." Lifting his glass to Minerva, Severus toasted her and himself and all of their long-suffering predecessors. "God help those of us forced to teach the brats how to tickle sleeping dragons."
17th February 2011 07:33
*BG* As usual you have excelled yourself.

And having commented on the header I suppose I should read the story.


4th April 2011 05:31 - *is a horrible person who waits a month and a half to respond to comments*
LOL! Thank youuuu!
17th February 2011 08:25
Oh my god, that was HILARIOUS. Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs clearly have the most fun! The poor, poor Slytherins.
4th April 2011 05:32 - *is a horrible person who waits a month and a half to respond to comments*
:D LOL, yes... yes they do.

Thank you!
17th February 2011 08:46
LOLOLOL amazing. Ravenclaw was my favourite :D
17th February 2011 09:45
This is most excellent.

I read half of it outloud, whilst giggling, to my other half.

I especially enjoyed the Twins little cameo and the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff sections, but the whole things was brilliant.

Thank you very much for sharing.
17th February 2011 13:16
HAHAHAHAHA. *breathes* HAHAHAHAHAHA. Well done. Well done, indeed. I think Hufflepuff was my favorite part.
17th February 2011 16:29
*dies laughing*

OMG. OMG. And, for good measure, OMG!!

That was so frickin hilarious! Hermione taking notes, Fred and George, McG using her most monotonous voice... Oh, those poor Gryffindors!

But to be a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff?! Practical demonstrations FTW!! I LOVE YOUR FLITWICK!! *helpless laughter* And Pomona teaching her "young flowers" how best not to bear fruit. OMG! Inter-house unity, all the way.

Brilliant Slytherins -- I wouldn't have dared ask a question as well. And to top it all off with Luna?!

I heart you. Seriously. This was fantastic, babe!
17th February 2011 17:28
Thank you so EFFING much. I truly needed this today! *squeezes you breathless*
17th February 2011 19:22
Brilliant!! Loved the hands on approach!! I can just hear Severus....insert tab a into slot b......*g*
17th February 2011 20:44


A thousand points to the House of your choice!
17th February 2011 23:28
Bwahhhaaa. Oh that's lovely.
17th February 2011 23:46
Bwahahaha! *claps delightedly* Filius in particular is so adorable in his enthusiasm.
18th February 2011 00:28
Hahaha! Each section is so perfectly in character -- Minerva in monotone, Filius flicking and swishing the dildo and beaming at the pursuit of knowledge, Pomona and her bollocks-cumbers and we don't want any of our young flowers to be fertilized before they're ready, and of course, Severus handling it all with silk-threats and dispatch.

I copy Severus -- not in threatening my students, but in lifting my glass to you.
18th February 2011 21:47
That's wonderfully apposite for each head of house! I particularly enjoyed Flitwick's class – and Sprout's approach. (Doing the entire presentation for each of them would be delightful for the reader, but hard work. Any takers? Not that I want to belittle this very funny explosion of IC.)

You wrote the whole thing to use Severus's last line, didn't you. Or if not, it was a very satisfying conclusion.
19th February 2011 00:28
I loved this!

And given Pomona's and Filius' approaches to teaching and to the custodianship of their respective Houses, I *really* wonder what the HP series would have looked like from the Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff perspective. Much less quidditch, I'm guessing. :)
19th February 2011 00:50
Just when I think you can't top yourself...you DO! ;) And you can take that any way you like. ;)
Brilliant, Eey.
Well done. :)
19th February 2011 06:30
Okay, this is brilliant. I loved it and each section was pitch perfect. Thank you for this -- for a few reasons. :)
20th February 2011 18:20
ajagjdgsjgjshs OMG this is made of awesome!!! :D Hilarious, and all of the teachers (and their students!) perfectly IC. Also, POMONA ♥. So perfect.
24th February 2011 01:13
LOL! Absolutely fabulous. Each professor is just marvelous--I have to say the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws have a lot more fun (in class anyway *g*). Great job, Eey.
28th February 2011 08:59
I love you. I really do.

If someone had never read Harry Potter and just read this, then were asked "What are the characteristics of the various houses?" I'd bet they could answer pretty faithfully. Well, Slytherin they would be able to get Snape's personality pretty good! : )

The poor Slytherins! And the Ravenclaws with their "love of learning"--that was SO FUNNY! Then I totally cracked up on Pomona teaching how to give blow jobs. Just OH MY GOD.

I always love your fics and this was another wonderful one. Great job!

4th March 2011 23:03
Ahaha, I can't believe I waited this long to read -- except, glad I did, because I really wanted something fun to read this evening, and here this was waiting for me! I love Severus's putting-a-halt-to-all-questions approach, Filius's enthusiasm, Sprout's blunt advice, and Minerva's dry lesson. Great fun!
7th March 2011 20:33
Each of these sections is perfect! Filius and the Pursuit of Knowledge! And Pomona! the hands-on approach is—well, actually, that'd be wanking Brilliant.

Minerva and Severus deserved their drink. And so do you!
12th March 2011 15:03 - Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon..., R, Various
Pamono was brilliant, and thank the maker you moved us along when you did. lol

Severus - LMAO. Perfect. A fantastic look into the technical teachings of sex ed.

Love it.
1st April 2011 13:44
Absolutely wonderful in every respect :-D This was so much fun, I'm still grinning. All of the sections were great, but I think Filius and the Ravenclaws win...

PurpleFluffyCat x
This page was loaded 13th June 2024, 05:20 GMT.