Daily Deviant
- there is no such thing as 'too kinky'
Fic (+ Art!!): Failure to Communicate, Snape/Black, R 
20th January 2010 19:33
Title: Failure to Communicate
Author: [info]eeyore9990
Characters/Pairings: Severus/Sirius
Rating: R
Kinks/Themes Chosen: Erotic Art
Other Warnings: Bad Stick Art (with stick figure peen!)
Word Count: ~2100
Summary/Description: Severus is deeply disturbed by the stick figure art Black keeps sending him.
Author's Notes: *g* Dedicated to everyone taking part in this year's [info]hp_april_fools, because not everyone can be multitalented! LOL!!

Severus felt the blood drain from his face as he looked down at Black's latest... note. Though, really, could a crudely-drawn, threatening bit of stick-person art be termed a note?

Severus pressed the tips of his fingers against the desktop, flexing them for a moment as he considered what to do with the crumpled parchment in front of him. Black hadn't signed it, and unless his Head of House was adept at reading shaky quill-strokes--really, the prat couldn't even draw a straight line!--and attributing them properly, Severus would never be able to convince her Black was behind his harassment.

He glanced down at the drawing, shuddering lightly when what appeared to be blood burst from the stomach of the stick figure being beheaded. Wadding up the parchment, he shoved it in his pocket; he'd decide what to do about it later. For now, he had to pay attention to Professor McGonagall.

Transfiguration was not his best class, and NEWTs were next month.

Something nearly weightless hit the side of Severus' head as he entered the Great Hall for dinner. Frowning, he looked around, then down, and spotted an airplane made of parchment on the floor at his feet. Glancing around suspiciously, he caught sight of Black striding away from him toward the Gryffindor table and immediately froze in the process of picking up the parchment.

Suddenly nervous, his hand hovered over the airplane, fingers twitching slightly. When his back began to ache, he shook himself and straightened, withdrawing his wand and casting a few diagnostic spells on the parchment. Satisfied that he wasn't going to be cursed with something as juvenile as Gryffindor-red hair--or worse--Severus plucked the airplane from the floor between his thumb and first finger and, holding it straight in front of him, walked over to the Slytherin table.

Seating himself, he ignored the food that appeared on his plate in favour of examining the parchment. He was nearly certain he knew what he'd find, but damned if he could stop himself from unfolding it anyway. Bracing himself, he closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing for a few seconds, then cracked one eye open and glanced down.

"Son of a bitch!" he whispered, batting the parchment away. Dropping his head into his hands, he attempted to erase the image he'd just seen from his memory.

Two figures, again, one in a prone position on the floor, the other kneeing him in the groin over and over. Severus dropped one hand to his lap, covering his balls in sympathy.

A shout caused him to look up and he watched as Black swaggered toward the doors of the Great Hall, calling something over his shoulder at Potter, who was still sitting at their table, stuffing his face.

Determination flooded him. This had to stop and apparently the only way for it to do so was for him to confront Black in person. If nothing else, he'd then have the memory of Black admitting to his behaviour as proof to show the Headmaster and their respective heads of house.

Gathering up the parchment that he'd managed to knock so that it balanced precariously at the far edge of the table, Severus jumped from his seat and hurried after Black.

Severus waited until Black was sauntering past a disused corridor to make his presence known. Pushing Black deep into the recesses of the corridor, Severus waved the parchment in his face and hissed, "What the fuck is this? You haven't the wit to write your threats in English, so you've been reduced to drawing out the foul deeds you want to perform?"

"Foul?" Black asked, lips twisted into a self-satisfied smirk. "Not sure I'd say it's foul..."

"Not only is it foul, but if this is what goes on in that head of yours, you need serious help. A mind healer, for starters," Severus spat, glaring at Black, whose expression was growing more and more confused. "You're as psychotic as that cousin of yours."

"Psychotic? What the fuck are you on about, Snape?" Black yanked the parchment from Severus and glanced down at it. "I mean, I understand if you're not into that sort of thing, but psychotic is a bit melodramatic, don't you think?"

"Into that sort of thing? I can't imagine anyone who would be 'into that sort of thing', you ignorant prat!"

"Well, excuse me for thinking you might enjoy yourself! You know, there are a lot of blokes in this castle that would love for me to offer--"

"You're mad if you think anyone would want to be threatened with decapitation, or being gutted, or... or..." Severus jabbed his finger at the parchment Black had clenched in his fist. "Or being emasculated."

"Decapitation? What? Look, I don't know what you've heard, but I only use my teeth when asked! I never bite, and--"

"Use your teeth?" Severus stepped back, checking the distance to the main corridor. Severus hadn't considered until just this moment how dangerous confronting Black could be. Especially alone. What the hell had he been thinking?

"I am excellent at sucking cock, you wanker, and I won't have you ruining my reputation by implying that I bite! Look, just forget I offered. I was obviously out of my head."

Severus, a hot reply on the tip of his tongue, found his brain replaying that last rejoinder from Black and going utterly blank. "Sucking.... cock? What the fuck are you talking about?"

Black pushed his hair back from his face angrily, glaring at Severus as he said, "Fine! You don't want to shag. I get it!"

As Black tried to push past him, Severus grabbed onto his robes and said, "Wait! What do you mean, 'shag'?"

"Shag? You know, fuck. Have sex? Intercourse?"

"I know what it means, you--" Severus bit off the insult that leapt to his tongue and took a deep breath before saying, "How on earth did you expect me to understand that you--apparently having taken temporary leave of your senses--wanted to shag?"

Black waved the parchment around. "I sent this to you, didn't I? And a few others?"

Severus rubbed at his forehead. "Yes, but I neglect to see how this..." Severus tilted his head. "Perhaps what we have here is a failure to communicate. Explain to me, if you would, what exactly you've drawn there?"

Black blinked twice before lifting the parchment and pointing at the people in it. "That's me," he said, indicating the figure being pummelled. "And that's you fucking me senseless."

Severus took a few moments to allow that to sink in before digging that morning's drawing out of his pocket. "And this one? The one that looks like a person being decapitated and gutted?"

Rolling his eyes, Black muttered, "It's not that bad. And again. That's me. That's you fucking me."

"And the line around the neck? The one that led me to believe you were harbouring a secret desire to slash my throat or otherwise remove my head from my body?"

"That's my tie. I've always wanted to do it with just my tie on. Sort of a leash." Black grinned, waggling his eyebrows at Severus.

"What about this?" Severus asked, pointing to the pool of blood on the floor under what Black claimed to be him.

"Oh, well, that's my come."

"You come in Gryffindor red? Do tell."

"Oh, shut up, you berk. I only have two colors of ink."

Severus pursed his lips and tilted his head, attempting to see what Black obviously assumed was apparent. He supposed it was possible, and at least it made slightly more sense... Actually, it didn't. "Why me?"


"You hate me. I loathe you. These are indisputable facts. Why on earth would you send me... this..."

"Erotic art?"

"Ill-drawn absurdity."

Crossing his arms over his chest, Black shrugged and said, "Because you hate me."

"Come again?"

"Would, if you'd let me come the first time."

"Please do not attempt wit. You haven't the ability. And answer the question."

"So I knew a bloke once who had sex with another bloke he hated. Said it was the best fuck ever. I was... intrigued. No one hates like we do."

Severus stared at Black, waiting for the quirk of lips that said this was a prank. Or for Black's idiot friends to leap into the corridor. Something. When long minutes passed with no interruptions, Severus held up the parchment and said, "You've got it wrong."

"How so?"

"The proportions are all wrong. Legs to arms to torso. But more than that, you've drawn my cock far too small."

Black shifted further into the shadows; the dim light caught the tip of his tongue as he ran it over his lips. "Is that so? Prove it."

Curiosity overriding his normally cautious nature, Severus followed Black, undoing the placket of his trousers and lifting his semi-hard cock free. "See?"

A stifled gasp, then, "Yeah. Yeah, I was way off. That's... come here."

Severus paused until Black grabbed a handful of his shirt and yanked him forward. Spinning them both, Black backed Severus into the wall, pressing their bodies together until Severus could feel that Black was even more eager than he was. Black pressed his nose to the side of Severus' neck, just below his ear, until Black's ragged breathing was all Severus could hear. A tiny shift of their hips and Severus had to clench his teeth against the friction of their hard cocks rubbing against one another. The pleasure was... wrong.

He shouldn't want this, shouldn't enjoy it. This was Black, for fuck's sake.

Searching for a way to make this better--for himself because he didn't give a fuck if Black found what he was looking for--Severus tilted his head and sank his teeth into Black's shoulder. Black's hiss of pain was just the edge Severus had been searching for. With a grunt, Severus shoved at Black, ripping at his clothing as they began a fight for dominance right there in the corridor.

The knowledge that anyone could come along and see them, see Severus' flashing teeth catching at Black, see the way Black's hands were holding him so needily, see the strips of bare skin that were turned toward and away from the light as they reversed position again and again only added another degree of insanity to what they were doing. Grabbing his wand, Severus used a cutting spell on Black's robes, until they hung in tatters from his lithe frame. While Black was distracted at the state of his robes, Severus spun him into the wall and pinned him there with magic.

Teeth scraping along Black's jaw, Severus muttered, "This is only a trial, you understand."

"God, I hope so," Black hissed, writhing as much as he could in his state.

Severus dropped his hand between their bodies, grabbing both their cocks awkwardly in his grasp, and attempted to stroke them both. Within seconds, he grunted in frustration and simply rocked his hips against Black's, allowing their firm flesh to slide sweatily over and against one another. It wasn't perfect, not even close, but it was enough. When Severus looked back up, Black bit at his lips, hard enough to draw blood.

"Thought you didn't bite," Severus groaned, thrusting harder.

"Only when I'm sucking cock. Unless you can levitate, that's a bit off the table today."

Severus thrust several more times, whispering filthy encouragement to Black until, with a muffled scream, Black poured out his orgasm between them. The slippery hotness pulsing over his cock was Severus' undoing and he stepped back, wanking his cock with a firm grip until he came in long spurts all over Black. Stumbling backward, he fell against the opposite wall and remained there until he'd managed to catch his breath.

Standing straight on shaky legs, he clumsily rearranged his clothing until he could pass for neat, and stepped toward the main corridor.

"Wait!" Black hissed. "Where are you going? Let me down from here!"

Severus paused and glanced back over his shoulder. "Not a chance. This is far too delicious an opportunity to pass up."

"Snape, you fucker! Get back here and--"


Still struggling against the sticking charm, Black glanced up and said, "What?"

Severus smirked just as he reached the line where the light from the main hall cut through the darkness of the corridor they were in. "I can levitate."

21st January 2010 03:04
I never, never, ever read this pairing, but I saw "stick figures" and had to check it out. SO glad I did. XDXD This was hysterical.
21st January 2010 03:14
Hee, thanks! I are an arteest, yes? *bats eyelashes*
21st January 2010 03:20
hahaha! The interpretation Severus had for the stick figures was hilarious! :D I loved how both of their minds saw something completely different in the drawings. I also loved Severus's interpretations of the figures as he's reciting back to Sirius what they look like to him. This was a fun read ^_^
21st January 2010 03:33
Thank you so much! This pairing can be so much fun to write. :D
21st January 2010 03:42
Lol to the stick figures!! This isn't one of my pairings either (though nearly anything with Sirius holds some interest for me), but was also drawn in by promise of crude art. This had me giggling from start to finish! Great job!
21st January 2010 13:20
*icon love*
21st January 2010 05:42
Seduction by stick figures, isn't that against the law? LOL

Brilliant. Just brilliant.
21st January 2010 07:56
Haha! Totally brilliant. I love how Sirius is so convinced that his stick figures are a great seduction tool, especially in black and red (...and that he's mostly wrong).

Favorite line ever: Please do not attempt wit. You haven't the ability. Although there are others that come close...your Severus is fantastic! I love that he left Sirius hanging.
21st January 2010 08:39
"So I knew a bloke once who had sex with another bloke he hated. Said it was the best fuck ever. I was... intrigued. No one hates like we do."

Hold that thought, Black...

"...you've drawn my cock far too small."

*Sigh* Everyone's an art critic.

And I love the art, and the premise, and the dialogue. And the smut. And the humour.

Did I mention the smut? You have only enhanced your reputation with this venture into pastures new. Looking forward to April.
21st January 2010 10:55
yay! good old sirius/severus! and one i didn't read yet!

that was great!
21st January 2010 11:03
Haha, your stick figures are brilliant!:D
But I do think you are an even better author: this fic is hilarious ("You come in Gryffindor red?") and the smut is guh! ...and did I mention how funny the story was?^^ Marvellous!
21st January 2010 11:31
Tremendously funny. I really could see both those interpretations of the stick art! And I liked the ending, that Severus left him stuck to the wall -- hilarious! (And probably IC, as well!)
21st January 2010 12:23
So funny, yet soooo hot.
Yeah, I can see where Sev would get the wrong idea, especially with that first drawing.

I LOL'd when Sirius said he only had two colors of ink. *snerks*

I can imagine that sex between those two would be rough and quick. *nods*

Great job!
21st January 2010 12:32
LOL!! That's hilarious. I confess I saw sex right away in that second stick figure, but then maybe I have a dirtier mind than Snape. ;-)
21st January 2010 12:47
LMAO! Love the stick figures as well as Sirius's interpretation of them. *giggles* Nice boy smex as well. Great job! :)
21st January 2010 13:21
only 2 colours of ink - *snort* That's such a Sirius thing to say......

Good fun, this.
21st January 2010 13:31
Excellent and amusing work. I love the way you've written both of them.~Sophia
21st January 2010 14:02
Best ending line, ever! :D
21st January 2010 14:25
HYSTERICAL. Oh, I laughed so hard throughout the entire thing. I love Black's indignant response about having only two colours of ink XD XD XD

21st January 2010 16:01
Hee! Only two colors of ink, indeed. Great job incorporating 'art' into your story. ;))
21st January 2010 20:02
Of COURSE he can levitate! *giggles*
Awesome. The stick figures turned out just you described. *giggles again*
Fabulous and hilarious, darling! :)
21st January 2010 22:59
lol @ the drawings! And nice juicy fic, too. I'd like to see what happens next!
22nd January 2010 03:48
That was absolutely hysterical! Loved the stick figures. Excellent work!
22nd January 2010 04:49
Brilliant! Love the snappy repartee, and the stick art and it's varying interpretations by Severus and Sirius are a hoot! :D
23rd January 2010 03:56
Yay for stick figure art! and *LOL* for the misunderstanding. I think I would mistake it too.
23rd January 2010 15:57
AHAHAHAHAHA! This is a taunt, isn't it? I love the stick figures, and Severus's interpretation, darling. I am so looking forward to the fest, too!
23rd January 2010 17:56
Teeth scraping along Black's jaw, Severus muttered, "This is only a trial, you understand."

"God, I hope so," Black hissed, writhing as much as he could in his state.

::fucking dies:: I love your Sirius liek whoa. And I love YOU for taking this idea and running with it! I still can't believe you actually drew the bad stick porn. You are a mad, mad genius.
23rd January 2010 19:49
Just hilarious, and Snape is so wonderfully Snapey. Love the dueling interpretations of the "art."
23rd January 2010 23:38
"Oh, shut up, you berk. I only have two colors of ink." That line is so utterly Sirius, as is the idea of having sex with Snape is a good idea because he heard hate!sex is hot. And here it's very hot! Wonderful and funny and love the art!
29th January 2010 20:33
Yes yes yes.

You are so right.

*wishes she had made this comment*
27th January 2010 19:17
I had to come see the stick people and they are so funny!! :) HEEEE! Now I need to read the story!
29th January 2010 20:34


*wonders if a dies and giggles fic ought to be so hot, and decides it depends on the author, and thus it is fine to find this all three*
31st January 2010 05:16
Oh, I wish this had happened!! *fanning self...one-armed still, so it's taking a while* Whew! Really, really good visual phrasing! *happy, happy, joy, joy*
31st January 2010 06:50
This was sexy and hilarious. Love it!!
21st March 2010 12:21
Here on Kelly Chambliss's rec at LJ - great story.
You come in Gryffindor red? Tell me. had me laughing out loud. As well as Sirius's attempt at 'wit'. And young Severus is so perfectly Snape-ish already.
Must say that I thought the 2nd picture might mean something else than kneeing in the groin - but the first one ... All in all, it's a good thing Black didn't take up a career as an artist.
28th March 2010 01:12
Hilarious! *ggg*
1st April 2010 18:39
Love it! Ah, some good old Snack.
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