Caradoc Dearborn (forgetmedoc) wrote in cultureic, @ 2016-04-18 19:14:00 |
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Caradoc stumbled out of Suz’s floo a little more clumsily than usual, work had felt long even though most of the things happening around the Ministry didn’t involve the Obliviators directly. Seeing Bellatrix Lestrange’s murder attempt be reported on in the paper left knots in his shoulders that didn’t want to go away, and his temple throbbed. It would have been more of a relief if it worked, being stuck in this limbo was awful, and knowing how much shit it’d stirred up both within the Order and now the Ministry was enough to make Doc tempted to just crawl into bed with the covers over his head and not come out until it was all over.
At least he hadn’t used the Imperius to do it, not that he still saw much difference. But at least he hadn’t been the one to give her the poison. Not that Emmeline doing it was any better, but the idea of killing someone - even that someone was unnerving no matter what.
“Hey, Suz,” he greeted, holding up the Chinese he’d picked up on his way over. Binging on take-out with his girlfriend was definitely one of his favorite ways to wind down.
The news of the attempt on Bellatrix’s life had left Suz dealing with knots of her own. Her recent talks about mortality with Caradoc left her with a math equation that wasn’t all that difficult to solve. One plus one equalled Caradoc had tried to kill Bellatrix Black. She wasn’t sorry he’d done it. That wasn’t what the knots were about. The knots were every worry she’d ever had about Caradoc compounding and growing and blocking her airways. She was afraid for him.
Her eyes were wide and startled as she stared up at Caradoc. The bag of Chinese seemed to break that spell, though, and she rolled a shoulder to work out some of the tenseness there as she forced a wan smile and tried to appear normal. “Hiya,” she said and then she got to her feet and walked over to him. She pressed a hand to one of his cheeks and her lips to the other, sliding the food from his hand when she pulled away to greet it too. “This smells really good.”
There was a question on Suz’s lips, but she wasn’t sure yet if she wanted the answer or not.
He gave her a half-hearted smile back, unable to look completely dour at a kiss on the cheek from her, even if it was old hat into their fourth month dating. “They were out of spring rolls - so I like, doubled the order of crab rangoons.” Also because cream cheese and deep fried pastry was way more comforting junk food for an appetizer in Doc’s mind. His hand went rest on the small of her back as they made their way to the couch, as if he got too far from her the positive effect of her presence would crumble. It wasn’t until they were able to flop down on the couch unceremoniously that Caradoc folded his hands in front of them, long arms dangling a bit from where his elbows perched on his knees. “Friday,” he said, as if work was what had drained him.
“Friday,” she echoed with a sympathetic smile, pressing her shoulder into his before leaning back into her own seat to busy herself with her chopsticks. She scraped the rough edges of the chopsticks together, letting that fill the silence for the moment. The other thing was…how did one ask their boyfriend if he’d tried to kill Bellatrix Black? Eventually she settled on, “How was your day?” The chopsticks were smooth, but there was something soothing about the movement.
With a sigh, Caradoc began unpacking his kung pow chicken, sticking his own chopsticks between his teeth and giving her a noncommittal shrug. “Mosfly filing rephorts,” he said around the pieces of wood before taking them out and looking back at her. “Which I’ll take after the field work earlier this week,” he said with a grim expression, thinking again of the looks on the DMLE’s faces as they analyzed the house where Anita Bones and her two children had died. Jesus, everything was depressing these days. He knew he wasn’t fooling her in the least, though and scrunched up his brows and his hand moved from the carton to rub the lines he was sure he was making permanent in his forehead. “It’s been a shit week, Suz.” She knew, and he knew that she knew. But it still felt satisfying to say aloud.
“It has been,” Suz said, her hands stilling. She looked over at him and after switching her chopsticks to one hand reached for his arm. With a sympathetic pout, she rubbed her hand soothingly along his forearm, fighting the urge to sigh or point out the state of high anxiety she’d been in since he’d started the morality questions. She stopped rubbing his arm for a beat as her resolve finally started to take shape and then picked the soothing motion back up again. “It couldn’t’ve been easy seeing the Prophet talk about what you did to Bellatrix either.” It was casually delivered, but her eyes were sharp on him.
Doc had relaxed into Suz’s touch and was enjoying it when she continued and his eyes widened. He was great at improv, and not a half-bad actor with all his Obliviator work, but anyone who really knew him could usually read him like an open book. It took a second before his head lolled back onto the couch and he squeezed his eyes shut. Of course she’d put two and two together. He kicked himself. You don’t ask your very smart, very clever girlfriend if wanting (he may have said trying - did he say trying?) to kill a bad person automatically made you a bad person and not expect her to figure it out the next time there was a murder attempt against a suspected Death Eater.
He took a deep breath and let it out slow to try and quiet the anxieties that all flew to the front of his mind, resisting the urge to panic. “Yeah…. that…” As he opened his eyes to look at her, they were almost fearful. Of what the results were? Of what she thought of him now? He didn’t even know. “I don’t… I guess it didn’t work as well as it was supposed to,” he said with a long exhale.
“I’m sorry it didn’t,” Suz said quietly. It was kind of easy to blame Bellatrix for everything that went wrong in the wizarding world. Everyone else did. So why shouldn’t she? And she didn’t care if Bellatrix lived or died because she knew if the situations were reversed Bellatrix wouldn’t even question it. She thought about saying that, about explaining how she felt now that she had all the pieces, but it wasn’t really about her so she didn’t. Instead she jabbed her chopsticks into one of the other open cartons and turned to face Doc, giving him a shrug when she met his eye. There was no judgement or horror in her expression, just sympathy as she reached out to give his arm a squeeze.
He gazed over at her, shoulders sagging in relief at the lack of anger or… betrayal, or whatever he thought he’d might have seen. It’s not as if she’d signed up to date a killer. Is that what he’d be, if Bellatrix died? That’s not what he signed up to be, either, but he also never signed up to be Muggleborn and in danger all the bloody time. Doc hung his head and before he could stop himself he was leaning forward to bury his face in her shoulder, forehead pressed into the curve of her neck.
“... She took Mari from you,” he said after a long moment, eyes closing.
When Doc leaned into her, Suz’s arms automatically went around him, a hand rubbing soothing circles over his back now. “She’s done a lot more than that, too,” she murmured, tilting her head to rest against his. “She’s a horrible person and she deserves to die.” For her it was simple as that. So she repeated herself, her hand still rubbing his back. “I’m sorry she didn’t.”
“Me too,” he said in response, not dwelling on how much it felt like he meant it and wrapping his arms around her, the embrace grounding him even while he let all the mixed emotions that he’d been trying to keep under control all week wash over him. “I feel sick but I don’t regret it either,” he explained for no reason in particular other than to just say it all out loud. It helped that she understood. That she agreed. Doc was tired of worrying about whether or not he was a good person. He felt like he still was. He felt like Benjy and Emmeline still were too. “We just… we saw a chance and we just had to take it - even though the Order doesn’t usually do that type of thing, she just keeps getting away with things over and over and over again and I’m so fucking sick of it,” he told her, teeth clenching. “I don’t know what to do now,” he finally admitted after a pause, fingers curling into the back of her blouse. “Some people are angry we went through with it.”
One of her hands went to the back of his head, her fingertips drifting through his hair. It all seemed so simple to Suz. Perhaps even more so after what had happened to her sister and having to explain what was happening to her parents. “This war has been going on for so long now,” she murmured sadly, “and the DMLE has barely made a dent in their ranks. Meanwhile, people are dying or disappearing and everyone is living in fear. And they’re probably not. Why should they be?” She took a deep breath, exhaling with a sigh. “I think anyone who thinks the world isn’t at the point where they need to fight back with the same ferocity as the Death Eaters is in denial.”
Sighing heavily, Doc shift his head up so he could put a grateful kiss on her neck. “Thank God for you, Suz,” he said. “The Aurors are using an Unforgiveable now, but us using a similar strategy is some sort of worse offense?” He shook his head, though his voice was calmer - it was hard to angst or panic so much when your girlfriend was giving your head a light massage. He let her continue for another long few moments, knowing he could likely just stay like that for hours if she let him. “Thank you for being the sanest girlfriend,” he told her, fingers relaxing on her back.
“I wouldn’t say sanest,” Suz said, breathing out a laugh that was a little self-deprecatory. She gave his hair a gentle tug, though, and pulled back just far enough to look him in the eye, using her shoulder to nudge at his chin as she did so. “But it would take a lot to get me to think the worst of you, you know.” She drew her fingers through his hair to the side of his neck and gave him half a smile. “I love you.”
Blinking back the vague threat of tears, Caradoc tipped his head up to kiss her firmly and gratefully, hands sliding up her back to hold her close until he pulled back himself. “I love you too. Like, a lot. A lot a lot a lot,” he continued to say, a smile beginning to form. It was the type of gratitude he couldn’t really put into words and he kissed her quickly again before his stomach began to rumble and he pulled back, slapping a hand against it scoldingly. “Ugh shut up, stomach, we’re having a Moment.”
Suz laughed and it came a lot easier this time. The panic that’d been building in the pit of her stomach hadn’t gone anywhere, but it was taking a nap, at least, now that she had a few answers. “It has a point, though,” she said, poking him in the stomach. “The food’s getting cold, it says.” She leaned in for another kiss, catching the corner of his mouth and pulling back with a smile that came easy, too. “I love you a lot a lot a lot a lot, too.”
Grinning a bit both with the kiss and her smile, he nodded. Being around her calmed him like few other things ever did. He hoped briefly that telling her the things he was wouldn’t put her in anymore danger than they already were… but he wasn’t sure how sane he’d stay if he wasn’t able to. “Yeah,” he conceded, reaching over to continue opening the carton he’d started to before. “Can we do more of the head-rubbing thing later? That was nice,” he said casually with a chuckle, but was handing her a rangoon before she had to reply. Stuffing their faces was definitely almost as therapeutic.