“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” Rang out through the pub, it was mid-afternoon on a Tuesday so the place wasn’t too busy. Malcolm Preece was standing up from where he’d been cleaning and frantically hitting his face, but it wasn’t exactly his face. For a man who usually was clean-shaven except for some scruff every now and again what was growing now did not look natural. In fact small pretzels started to grow and connect together as it grew.
“AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!” He let out again as managed to pull one out. “Ouch!” he grumbled, it only hurt from where the growth came from his skin, otherwise, it was like hair, it didn’t hurt to be cut.
He looked up across the bar. “Should I eat it?” He looked utterly puzzled.
"Absolutely," Stan Shunpike responded with wide eyes as he continued to hold his beer mid air halfway to his own mouth.
Malcolm winced as he broke off a couple more pieces of his now growing beard. Tentatively he took it towards his mouth but paused. “What if it tastes like hair, I’m not going to be Malcolm The Hair Eating Pub Owner!”
"But, what if…. It doesn’t? You could be Malcolm the Pretzel Faced Wonder" Stan countered, his brow raised in such a way that was either a challenge or a considerable point.
Frowning he thought for a moment, well, a couple of moments. This was not an easy thing to decide and his eyes were going back and forth with serious thought. “Why don’t you eat it!” Malcolm said holding out a piece of his pretzel beard.
An exaggerated frown left Stan, "Not my body part, ain't tastin' first, mate. That's a you duty." It was then that the man sipped his pint.
“What if I offer six pints on the house to use however fast, or slow, you want? They could be saved up when you are entertaining a lady, or drink’em all today.” Malcolm offered with a plastered big grin.
"Make it ten and we've got a deal," Stan countered without hesitation.
“Deal!” Malcolm responded quickly holding out a piece of his ‘beard.’
Stan carefully put his pint down as he mentally prepared his mouth and swallowing bits for the flavours that were to come. He took the pretzel piece and examined it. Sniffing appropriately for any sign of taste.
Popping the doughy morsel in quickly the former-hufflepuff chewed and tasted a normal pretzel delight. He tilted his head side to side as if considering the flavour.
Hands gripped the bar as Malcolm leaned forward watching Stan chew every small crackle the pretzel made had him on edge and eyes wide.
Then finally Stan announced, "Not bad."
“What?” Malcolm stood up straight shaking out his hands. “It’s good?” He took off a piece and tentatively put it in his mouth. He waited half a second before letting his teeth sink into it. “Huh,” he mumbled with a semi-full mouth.
Reaching for a drink of his beer and chuckling Stan asked, "So, how much for a bowl of Malcolm Morsel Pretzel Bites??"
“On the house,” The bar owner said knocking some more off and breaking it off into a bowl he grabbed from under the bar. Stan's face lit up as he pulled the bowl closer, never one to turn down free food.
“Wonder if I could make this a thing,” he wondered allowed. “Not for me, but for say you to buy it for a mate and surprise them and get a tasty snack, need to figure out the exact spell behind it though…”
"Spell behind what?" Parvati Patil's voice came around the bar as she levitated in a clean rack of pint glasses causing Malcolm to jump.
"Mal's face makes pretzels now," Stan informed as he popped another from the bowl into his mouth as if the explanation made sense.
Parvati's frown and lip curl of disgust was almost immediate when she took in the sight of Malcolm and his carb rich facial hair. She glanced to the bowl and then back at her employer, "You didn't seriously serve those flesh pretzels to someone did you?"
“Just Stan, but I owe him ten pints for trying it,” he grinned as Stan bowed his head and waved his hand in a circular motion of a pretzel bite he popped into his own mouth.
"Noooo," Parvati's frown and slow shake of her head was one regularly given when someone vomited after a late night of partying - usually right before closing.
“Think about the possibility! And it’s not flesh, it’s hair, and it’s not even hair, it’s pretzel beard, it’s a new offering, pretzel beard for your mates! Surprise them with some tasty salty treats to,” he paused. “To something or other, you’re better with the word stuff.” Malcolm nodded as if that decided things.
"To entirely gross them out?" Parvati offered. "You can't charge money for these, you know that right? And how did….this.." she motioned in the direction of Malcolm's face, "...even happen? You weren't experimenting with foreign magical hops and brewing ingredients again were you?"
Shrugging. “Don’t know, just happened.” He paused thoughtfully. “Do you think Weasley is up to another weird testing session on the locals?” His eyes got wide. “If that’s the case, partnership of the galleon making kind!” He clapped. “We should owl him.” He completely ignored the magical hops comment.
Parvati masked a roll of her eyes as she closed them and took in a breath in a poor attempt to calm her annoyance. Malcolms ability to completely disregard what others were saying was infuriating, but something she'd obviously learned to tolerate.
"We're not serving hairy pretzel flesh to people, Malcolm," the woman reiterated as she attempted to pull the bowl off the bar. Stan, however, quickly took hold of the other side.
"Hey, now! These are mine!" He said half teasing half serious as he held on tight.
"You're seriously going to consume pretzel from his face?" She asked. "No knowledge of what's actually in them."
"No, Im eating free doughy pretzel goodness, Vati," He play whacked the woman's hand to let go and she did as her grossed out expression returned. "Let the man have his venture! What harm could it do?"
"Oh I don't know we get shut down for serving human grown doughy bites?"
Malcolm huffed rolling his eyes.
"Wow," he nodded at the woman as if considering her argument. He then turned to Malcolm as said, "She really is dramatic," A teasing chuckle followed as he ate another.
He nodded to Stan before looking at Parvati “Customer is always right!” He grinned breaking off another piece of the pretzel growing from his face. “Sure you don’t want to try it? It’ll change your mind!”
The look on Parvati's face was both one of annoyance and disgust as she pulled back and shook her head, "Just the thought makes me want to vomit."A hand came to cover he mouth as she watched the old-enough-to-know-better men consume Malcolm Dough.
"Im walking away now," she informed as she moved toward the back. "Please just...dont charge anyone for that till you talk to a lawyer."
“You want to owl him for me?” He called out jokingly as she backed away. Malcolm turned back to Stan. “Think she’s actually going to,” he held his hand out indicating throwing up.
"Nah," Stan stared toward the door where Parvati exited. "She's a b-grade actress. She's probably texting someone about how gross we are." His smile was amused as he chewed down another.
He tilted his head thoughtfully. “I’ll give her a B+, you weren’t in here when she was screaming at some bloke about never being allowed back in a few nights ago.” Stan shrugged unimpresses. Shaking the thought away Malcolm looked down at his beard sighing. “Well, better figure this mess out before the rush hits.”
"Easy," Stan spoke with his mouthful, "Knock some pretzel yum yums in a bin, offer free samples and encourage dough-boy tips. Then technically you're not serving it, and folks are choosing to try em for themselves."
Malcolm reached to scratch his chin, as he did some pretzels fell off, luckily all hit the bar. He thought for just a second. "Well, you're eating them, you're welcome to share." He didn't want to upset Parvati too much, not that he was going to admit to that.
"Mmm…" Stan considered the suggestion for a beat before shaking his head. "Nah, I don't do that." He popped another pretzel into his face hole.
Malcolm shrugged and dropped more in. “Eat up, don’t turn into a pretzel.” He instructed before forcing himself back to work.