"Yeah, I'm well aware of that one, too," she sighed, running a hand through her blonde curls. "Hurt is also a part of life. One I'm already well acquainted with, don't you think?" She wasn't going to defend her motives to anyone. She wasn't going to agree that Allison was a "good kid". She had yet to experience that. But she would still sit there and listen. She had a right to feel angry and hurt and upset, but she knew that Derek was only trying to help.
"I don't know what my peace is. If I had any kind of idea I'd say it's control but... to get control I have to have my anchor. It's a catch-22." She shook her head slowly, taking another sip of her whiskey. "I don't even really know where to begin." Though, she supposed the training sessions with Natasha were a good start.
"I know —" She looked down at the glass in her hands, trying like hell to get the words out that were so much easier to say to Stiles than to Derek. Why? She didn't really know, but she was pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that Stiles was closer to her level while Derek was somewhere above it. So she tried again. "I know I owe a lot of people a lot of apologies. Back home, I was a bitch. Grade A perfection. I thought with the bite I could finally start getting revenge on all those people who decided it would be funny to pick on the girl with epilepsy."
She'd gone from one extreme to another. From the weak girl with no control to the vengeful bitch with no control in a completely different way. "We—we left you. I'm sorry for my part in that. We shouldn't have. Maybe if we'd stayed..." Maybe if they'd stayed she wouldn't be dead. But still, she cleared her throat and continued forward. "And during training that one time. When I jumped you." She couldn't help but smile at the memory of that one. She'd be lying if she said Derek wasn't a fantastic kisser. But damn, being thrown to the ground and told that was never happening again had been a blow to her ego. Being told he had someone else in mind for her had made her feel like a whore. So, she'd played that up because she figured that was what was expected of her.
Nevermind the fact that she was still quite the virgin behind all that bravado.
"I shouldn't have. I wasn't really thinking other than... well, I'm sure you have some idea." And still, she couldn't quite look up at him. Maybe if she could make her amends to the people that mattered — Derek, Stiles, maybe Scott — maybe she could start feeling better about things and get rid of these nightmares. It was a long shot, but it was worth a try.