Bucky + Peggy
That was the question, wasn't it? How could he let himself wander to someone else? It was something Bucky had wrestled with from the moment Zemo had come back to the hotel. He had always prided himself on his loyalty and here he was, two-timing the man he'd been in love with since they were teenagers. His actions weren't exusable but Peggy was asking just to understand, not trying to judge him.
"It's okay if you're upset with me, Peggy." He started softly after watching her try to take a deep breath and reel herself in. "It can't be worse than ..." Steve finding out. His reaction had torn Buck's heart to pieces. And every day from there, it had felt as though he'd been cast out of heaven. Over what? Something that could have been?
Bucky set the unfinished tiramisu on a nearby table. "It wasn't a surprise to you that Steve and I ended up being together here but for me, it was the last thing I expected. I've always loved Steve. Ever since I watched that punk try to take on a bunch of bullies three times his size. I fell head over heels in love with him before I even know what that meant and when I figured it out, well you know how it was back then." Bucky smiled at the memories of the forties but it slid sideways remembering the horror stories he'd heard of the men and women who were caught, outed, tortured and sometimes killed simply because their love was considered 'wrong'. "I had to keep it a secret. And when Steve saved me from HYDRA, I didn't think he felt the same so I never said anything. When he left to go back to you, I wanted to say something then but ...I wanted him happy and you did that. I'd never seen Steve look at anyone the way he looks at you. It was-" Bucky inhaled quickly and blinked a few times to keep the sudden emotions rising from brimming over. Another deep breath.
"Letting Steve go was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I'd die for him, Peggy. You know I would. And if he chose you, or Tony, over me, I would understand. I wouldn't try to step in between whatever makes him happy. I tried to move on. I got into dating. I tried seeing other people. I got caught up in trying to right some of the wrongs that HYDRA had forced me into. In the middle of that, suddenly there were new super soldiers and a new Captain America that the government picked. Everything happened all at once. Zemo had started as a means to an end. A tool that Sam and I could use to find the super soldiers that were hurting people. He needled me every step of the way. More times than anything, I just wanted to punch him in the face. And sometimes, I wanted to do ..something else. Somewhere in that, I started to think maybe I could move on."
Was that all in one breath? No, but Bucky was surprised that he'd let all that spill out. "When Zemo showed up here, it brought all those feelings back. With him, that was a life where I'd had to leave Steve behind in my heart so there's this other piece of my heart still left and I know it sounds crazy and weird being attracted to two people but, that's how it feels. It's like being two different people almost." He scratched the side of his face and lifted his gaze back to her. "I think that's more than I told my therapist."