By contrast, Diana hadn’t felt much of anything at all. She had brought Thor’s body back to the Crown Plaza, delivered the news of his death... and then nothing, really. Oh, she was existing. Alive. Even speaking, to Natasha about Thor’s death and Kal about anything but. Natasha had not blamed her, not to her face, but Diana didn’t need the mayfly to do that for her. That had been a rude thought, but Diana didn’t correct it. Yet more evidence of her disconnect, her grief. It had been similar when Steve Trevor had died, though if she were honest, Steve Trevor had never held a candle to Thor, and neither did his grief.
Still, she was alive. Kal checked in and made sure. And she did have things to do, in a sense. She could not bring herself to offer help, not after she’d failed so horribly, but Stormbreaker had still been filthy with Thor’s blood, for one thing. Diana had cleaned it, pristinely, and it still sat beside her bed. She both hated and loved it, but still had every intention of passing it along to Natasha when the other woman was ready, and when Diana was.
It was all she had of him now, and besides, Diana did not want to look Natasha in the eyes and face her failure further. Natasha had known Thor much longer, Loki was his sister, and their grief must surely outweigh hers. Not that she would have known that, given her own feelings. Diana was not entirely sure what those feelings fully were.
Sorrow, of course. The endless tears and clogged throat and nose could speak to that. Even Diana’s complexion could suffer after two full days of tears, some wracked sobs that had her confined to bed, and some just... quiet trails of tears while she listened to music, or ate, or showered. Guilt. Failure. Regret. Shame. And something she did not have words for, the same thing she had experienced with Steve but far worse - the loss of possibility, the chance to see what their linked hands and the few kisses they’d exchanged would mean for them.
It was simply grieving, and Diana was no stranger to that. Her home, her people, Aunt Antiope, Steve, every soldier she’d fought with upon leaving Themyscira, Barbara, countless others... and Thor, who stood above all the rest.
She had not been sleeping, of course. She’d gotten up quietly earlier, to shower. That was important, because if she let a day go by, Diana knew it would be easier to let the rest go by too. She had not told her roommate of her pain, but she wore it on her face, and so he’d done his best to be considerate. A good man, in Diana’s opinion, and she wished every blessing on him and his husband. Especially now.
The knock came at a break between songs, or Diana might not have heard it at all. And her first thought was fury, because who had dared? But perhaps it was Kal, making sure she was well, or someone looking for her roommate, who was now no longer in his bed. Diana had been facing the opposite wall, waiting until it was a reasonable hour to be up and about. She let the humans guide her, for these two days, as far as a schedule had gone. She was clean, but that was about it. Her hair hung around her face, ignored entirely, and she’d pulled on the first sweatpants and tee shirt she’d found after her shower. Fuzzy toe socks, because they made her feel even a small bit better. Not that it mattered, because she opened the door and genuinely thought about closing it again. She had forgotten Natasha’s warning. In truth, she’d ignored it entirely when the other woman had said the hotel brought them back sometimes, because when had Diana ever had luck like that? But still, if this was a ghost, closing the door wouldn’t help. This place was the purview of ghosts, and so instead she simply leaned against the door to steady herself.
Her tears had started again, or perhaps hadn’t stopped and only redoubled. She didn’t know, but she raised a hand to rub at her eyes anyway, burning and annoyed and so angry. But he hadn’t said anything yet, and Diana felt that if she were going to be haunted, the specter would have remonstrated, blamed her, something. And as she understood it, these ghosts were not fully solid, could not touch and be touched in the way physical beings could. Perhaps? Maybe just this once?