Audrey Jensen (fknaudrey) wrote in crownplazaic, @ 2021-04-09 14:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread, eddie kaspbrak |
WHO: Audrey Jensen and Eddie Kaspbrak
WHAT: Bad Dreams and Panic Attacks, For Dummies
WHEN: Friday, April 9th, Morning
WHERE: Eddie's Room
STATUS: In-Progress, Closed
WARNING: Several. At the very least mental health stuff.
It was hard to say how long the feeling had been creeping up on her, stalking from the shadows, learning her movements and routine until such a time it could pounce on her unaware. She thought, maybe, it had started when Hank had disappeared. At least that's when the first faint hint of it had brushed up her spine and whispered in her ear and she hadn't been able to shake it since. The more she thought she might be able to outlast it, the more insistent that feeling became until she'd begun to find it seeping into the most innocuous daily activities. It should have been fine. That was the thing, it should have been fine. It always had been in the past. She'd always found a way to see her way out to the other side. This time it had merely sat, coiled, waiting to strike. Then strike it did. She wanted to blame it on a whole host of things. Maybe she'd drank a little too much the night before, maybe she should have woken up earlier, maybe she needed to stop falling asleep on her back. Maybe it was just something in the air. In truth, there wasn't anything real and tangible to blame it on. It just was. Part of an uncaring and unfeeling universe. Sometimes shit just happened. And maybe she could have continued running from that creeping feeling for a little bit longer had it not been for The Dream. Most of the time, The Dream was exactly the same as it had been for almost a year. But something subtle had changed it in this time, and the thick black ooze of anxiety had taken a human form. She was almost certain she'd woken Joey up because she'd felt someone slide into bed next to her, but by the time she finally woke up in a tangle of blankets he had retreated down to the dance studio or to Dick's room or somewhere else. She was actually grateful for that. She didn't want someone hovering while she tried to pull herself back together and pretend to be a person. She managed to throw herself into the shower, starting off as hot as she could stand it and ending with it as cold as she could stand it. It didn't help. Little had helped in the last couple of weeks and Audrey had found herself falling back on old habits regardless of how much she tried to resist them. There was, of course, a voice in the back of her head telling her to keep trying but it was so small and so soft that it was nearly impossible to hear over the roar of everything else. Even when she was able to grasp it, it was only for a few seconds. It was almost absent-mindedly, then (or, to be more accurate, vacantly) that she pulled on the softest pair of leggings she had and a three-sizes-too-big shirt and just started to wander. She didn't know where she was going, it didn't feel like it really mattered, but that was what made it so shocking when she found herself standing in front of Eddie's door like some invisible hand had guided her there. She knocked. No response. Again. Still, silence. So she turned and pressed her back against his door and slowly slid down to the floor. Her phone was in her room on the bedside table so she couldn't check the time or message him to see where he was. But if you were lost in the woods you were supposed to stay where you were and let someone find you. So that was what she did. And that was where Eddie eventually found her - her back still against his door, her legs crossed in front of her, and her hands in her lap. ----- Eddie was on his way in from his run, mentally going over his list of things to do for the rest of the day, when he came up to his door and noticed Audrey sitting in front of it. He didn’t immediately clock her demeanor though, and assumed she was there for something friendly. “Hey Audrey.” He smiled, stepping up to her and offering a hand to help her up. He couldn’t imagine why she would have just sat there and waited for him, she had to know he was probably out running, they crossed paths enough outside in the mornings. Or he always had his phone on him and didn’t think he’d missed anything from her. “You good?” ----- It took her a second to register the sound of footsteps coming down the hall. She'd been idly picking at one errant thread on the seam of her leggings, trying to figure out if the whole thing would unravel if she snapped it off. It was something to focus on, anyway, besides her own circular thoughts or the lingering memory of The Dream. But when she heard Eddie's voice, her gaze snapped upward and she stared at him for a long moment with red-ringed eyes. The thing about Audrey was that people always commented on how capable she was. Put together. In control. Whatever. Even in those few moments when she had been genuinely afraid she'd been able to toss in a joke or a sarcastic comment and shrug it off like it was all no big deal. Her friends had seen her lose her cool a few times, but she always burned with this hot and fast rage until she'd purged the fear or frustration or anger out of her body. She didn't let anyone else see anything else. The closest anyone had ever gotten was one vulnerable moment with Noah that she'd come to regret pretty swiftly afterward. And yet here she was, seeking someone out instead of closing herself off. A therapist might call that a breakthrough; Audrey felt like it was a bit closer to a breakdown. "Not really," she said, reaching out to take his hand. Even then she tried to inject a sliver of sarcasm into the response. It didn't work. "If you're busy, I can… go find Joey. I just," she chewed on the inside of her cheek for a second, her heart doing that thing where it beat like an engine trying to turn over. "I just didn't know where else to go, I guess." ----- Eddie used her hand to help Audrey stand, pulling hard enough to help her up but not so hard he’d throw her off balance. It was obvious once she’d looked up to him, and even more obvious once she spoke that he probably shouldn’t have asked the question. “Hey, no, you’re fine.” he reached out with his free hand to cup her cheek when she started chewing on it. He wasn’t exactly the best in overemotional situations in the past, but he’d gotten better, he thought. Which was probably good, since his friends seemed to be coming to him for help with them lately. He figured he at least owed them enough to try, since he’d been in the same place, more than once, not that long ago. “Come on.” he let go of her only long enough to open the door and led her inside. “I-I’m sorry I’m sweaty.” he murmured, but pulled her into a gentle hug anyway. ----- Audrey didn't really think much about the question. It seemed like the sort of thing that anyone would have asked, given the circumstances. They lived in a haunted hotel that frequently threw murderous woodland creatures and dubious assortments of candy at them. Probably best to question just about everything that happened there, even if it was just your local goth girl sitting in a heap in front of your door. After all, she could have been a ghost. Or a doppelganger. Or something else equally as bizarre and yet entirely unsurprising. She leaned into his touch, as brief as it was, seeking out the contact and the warmth that came with it. That sharp pang hit dead-center in her chest again and twisted, but she'd spent this long shoving it down that she figured she could hold it at bay a little while longer. It was easier to do that, too, when he wrapped her up and tugged her against his chest. He wasn't that much taller than her, but she could still tuck her face down against his neck as she let go of a slow, heavy exhale. "I don't mind," she said with a half-hearted shrug. "It's kind of nice. But if you need to go shower or something I could just…" crawl into the spare bed, was what she was going to say. Instead she trailed off as she wrapped her arms around him and balled her hands up in the back of his shirt. She'd thought that maybe this was all she really needed - to be enveloped by someone whose first instinct wasn't to coddle her or as a hundred probing questions. And it did feel good. But it didn't quite crush that roiling sludge that kept trying to pull her down into it. "I'm sorry," she muttered against his neck. "It's too early in the morning for this, I know. But I had that dream again-" had she told him about that? "-and I'm just a little out of sorts." Maybe it was enough of the truth. Maybe not. ----- “I’m okay.” There was a tiny itch in the back of his mind to shower, that he was gross and dirty and shouldn’t be touching anything like this, but he’d gotten much much better at ignoring those itches now, and it went away almost as quickly as it came. She was far more important anyway. He just held on to her, as tight as he thought he could without causing any discomfort, because she seemed like she needed that. He knew he liked it best like that when he got overwhelmed with feeling something too much. He rest his chin gently on the top of her hair. “Hey, listen, I offered you free reign to come here, you don’t need to feel guilty or think you’re bothering me by taking me up on it.” He knew maybe it wasn’t the real root of what was going on just then, but feeling like she had to apologize couldn’t be helping. “Dreams are shit.” He started to let one of his hands rub at her back lightly, still holding her close, but just rubbing small circles right in between her shoulders. He knew there was a pressure point there and it was meant to relieve stress and anxiety. The faith he had in that was tenuous but it couldn’t hurt, and he thought it’d feel nice either way. He felt almost guilty at times, to be someone who could, at least occasionally, escape his dreams through J’mon. But he didn’t dare out them as an option without asking first. “Are you still tired? If you want to nap I can keep an eye on you and wake you up when anything seems to be going bad.” ----- Honestly, yes. She was exhausted. She felt like she'd been exhausted for days, if not weeks. Jolting awake in the middle of the night and - on a good night - not remembering what it was that had startled her had a way of rooting that kind of endless fatigue. But she wasn't sure sleep would actually help. What did help, or at least seemed to be starting to help, was that pressure between her shoulders and the sound of his voice; soft and reassuring. "I don't know," she answered, and at least that was entirely truthful. She knew she had been shading her responses a little, trying to divert from just how bad she was feeling, for a whole host of reasons that would take entirely too long to get into. Mostly, though, she didn't like feeling like she was an emotional burden on other people, so she always kept a little bit tucked away so she wasn't at risk of becoming too much. But she really, truthfully, had no idea what she wanted or needed. And she didn't know that she'd even be able to ask for it if she did. Two years of therapy and she still hadn't quite honed in on that particular skill. She slowly loosened her hold on Eddie's shirt, suddenly aware that she had been white-knuckling it, and drew her hands back around to rest on his waist instead. "Go shower," she said, "I know you're going to hate it if you get into bed all sweaty. And it'll give me a few minutes to finish sorting my head out. I'll be alright." Because as much as she enjoyed the warm, slightly damp feeling of his skin, she'd get almost the same result if he came back to her more comfortable. ----- Eddie eased up just a little bit when she did, leaning back enough to look down to her. He spent a minute just looking, thinking, still rubbing between her shoulders. “Do you trust me?” he asked, because he had an idea but it was a bit...much maybe? But Audrey seemed to react to touch and he thought it could be comforting at least. He did let her go, but offered up his hand again and started toward the bathroom. “When I was a kid, my mom was...kind of shit. But it wasn’t always all bad. When I got sick, or I thought I was sick, sometimes she would wash my hair for me and...I don’t know, it always felt good.” It was one of the few times they’d ever been in sync, because Eddie had been actually comforted by her babying for those few minutes. She couldn’t be too overbearing, it had been easy to tune out whatever she’d be talking about, and he didn’t have to answer for fear of getting soapy water in his mouth. He didn’t think the dynamic would be quite the same if Audrey wanted to take him up on the offer, but he thought it would be for the better. Plus there was the unspoken rule that you were allowed to cry in the shower and he’d respect that, if it was what she needed. Or if she didn’t actually want to get undressed, they were lucky enough that the showers had detachable heads and he thought he could make it work if she wanted to just sit on the floor. “Otherwise, I’ll be quick.” ----- Maybe it was stupid, but she did trust Eddie. Instinctively. It was like second nature to her to give that to him and she'd never had any good reason to second-guess it. There were countless situations where she might have questioned it, but she refused to even consider those things. Of all the people in the world - people she had put her faith and trust in only to find herself regretting that decision - Eddie was the one she was certain about. She nodded, finally, and reached out to take his hand. She knew what he was going to say the moment he started leading her towards the bathroom and she didn't have to reach far to find a good excuse. But she listened to him talk and followed him into the tight, cool, enclosed space all the same. There was a part of her that wanted to say yes, if only so she could stay close to him, but a much larger and more overwhelming part of her mind was blaring at her, warning her that she was only going to break down and she wouldn't want to do that in front of him, would she? Her fingers tapped nervously on the front of her hip, on the part where bone jutted forward, and she shook her head. "I uh… I just showered before I came up," she said, and she knew how flimsy the response was as soon as it was out of her mouth. But she did still smell faintly of green tea and apples, even if her hair had long dried, and it wouldn't have been the best thing to put it through another round of washing no matter how nice it would feel in the moment. That was her logic, at least. Totally reasonable. "But I can sit in here with you, if you want?" At least then she would close. It wasn't the most innately comfortable space - the bed would have been better for that - but she found the enclosed space almost comforting. The sound of water running and the vent fan spinning would only help in that regard. ----- “Okay.” Eddie told her. He could tell it was flimsy, that she was holding back for another reason, but he didn’t want to push. She seemed too similar to him in that pushing too hard would just lead to more resistance. He pulled out some extra towels and stacked them next to the shower wall so she would have a place to sit that wasn’t the toilet and turned the water on. The room, at least, would warm up quickly. “If you change your mind the offer stands. And not just tonight.” He kissed her temple lightly and let her settle before he undressed. His movements weren’t much different than if he’d been in the room alone, a little methodical maybe, making sure he set his dirty clothes in the hamper and that his towel was hanging nearby before he stepped into the shower. It was a far cry from the last time she would have seen him naked, but this whole meeting was a far cry from that time too. He wouldn’t take long, just taking a few minutes to wash off his workout, but the smell of his soap would permeate the steam filling the room and he would, at one point, absentmindedly started to hum a tune he wouldn’t have been able to identify if he thought about it, but that Audrey might have recognized as having been on one of her playlists. ----- It was such an unusual expression of affection, but she still saw it that way. Like he was making her a nest so she could tuck herself down into an even smaller space and be comfortable there. And, god, it was dumb - she would fully realize how dumb it was later - but that's the thing that got her. She used the few seconds she was turned away from him, settling herself down into the space, to draw in a deep stabilizing breath and swallow down the knot of tension that had risen up in her throat. By the time she got comfortable and drew her legs up against her chest, she'd mostly gotten it under control again. The kiss helped too. She didn't really have the presence of mind to realize how pitiful she looked sitting there like that. The only thing that really mattered in the moment was that she was oddly comforted by watching him, and the sound of the shower, and even the condensation already gathering on the wall behind her. She hugged her knees and rest her head back against the wall, closing her eyes as soon as he stepped into the shower. She could focus on the sounds better that way - the white-noise drone of the shower punctuated by the rush and slap of water when Eddie moved. And then his soft humming. Her mind wandered, just a little bit, meandering through a whole host of mixed-up and muddled thoughts. If she could just put them in order, she thought, she could figure out exactly what was making her feel like this and she could stop trying to blame it on anything that seemed like it might be at some kind of fault. But her mind kept going back to The Dream and the face she couldn't remember. She knew she shouldn't linger there, that it would only make things worse if she stayed in that thought for too long, but she was desperate to unravel it all the same. She also felt like if she could maybe explain it to Eddie - or to anyone at all - she could get rid of it for good. But there was no grasping it. Audrey sighed and pushed the thought away again, breathing in the smell of Eddie's soap when she inhaled again. For a moment, she actually felt still again. The tension had momentarily abated, taking the knot in her chest along with it, and her breathing had evened and slowed. Knowing that he was right there and that he wanted her here while he was doing the most basic, mundane thing, put her at ease. Knowing that he cared enough to make sure she was close and comfortable made her feel safe in a way she really hadn't felt since she got here. ----- Eddie finished his shower quickly enough and stepped out, drying off with the towel he’d set out and then wrapping it around his waist. He was tempted to go dress and then come back for Audrey but his gut told him she wouldn’t want to be left alone, even if it was only a few minutes. “C’mon.” he offered her his hand again. If he were younger, or she was standing, he probably would have just picked her up, but he didn’t really trust his back to get her off of the floor without injuring at least one of them in the process. He was glad to notice that, while she didn’t seem better, she seemed a little bit calmer than the last time he’d helped her up off of the floor. Small improvements. When he led her back out to the room he went to his own freshly-made bed and pulled back the blanket. He told her to make herself comfortable wherever she wanted and then stepped away for a minute to get dressed. He felt a little bit helpless, not sure if just making her comfortable would be enough but he didn’t think he knew enough to do much else. She’d come to him and he didn’t want to try and haul her off on someone else, so he decided to just do what he thought he could and hope it would be enough, at least for now. “What can I do to help?” he asked gently, sitting down next to her once he’d pulled on an old t-shirt and soft soft pajama pants. They weren’t what he’d normally have put on at this time of day, but everything Audrey was wearing was soft and comfortable and this was the best he had to match that. ----- She reached out for him again, helping to push herself up from where she was wedged against the side of the shower. It may have only been a momentary lull in the storm, but she thought the worst of that slow-moving sludge of dread had maybe been diverted for a while. She couldn't put it off forever, she would have to eventually face it head-on, but she wasn't sure she was ready to do that yet even if she knew how to put the feeling into words. Something felt like it was starting to piece together, though. It was only in the moments when her mind was distracted by something else that it clicked together and she moved forward one more step. Eddie helped. He really did help. Just by being there. It was different with him than it was with any of her friends - and she could have gone to any of them, she knew that. He gave her just enough of that soft, reassuring affection that it didn't tip over into coddling. That would have only left her feeling smothered and like she had to rush through her thoughts to get to a solution. She just didn't feel like that around him. Maybe because she knew that he understood. Maybe because he gave her just enough space and quiet without letting her feel like she was alone. She slipped into his bed and drew the blankets up around her waist, tempted to slide down into it and burrow her face in his pillow. But she was glad she waited. This way, she could tuck herself up against his side and drape her arm around his waist once he was close again. "You're already doing it," she said. Another apology was on the tip of her tongue, but she swallowed it back again. It wasn't helpful or useful and he'd already told her that she didn't need to over-explain herself to him. "I uh," she started, taking a moment to steady her breath. "I think I saw his face this time. I can't remember it, but I remember seeing it. Somehow that made it worse. The fact that I can't remember is still making it worse." Her heartbeat had kicked up again and she paused long enough to try to get that under control, but no amount of deep breathing was going to slow it down again. Audrey brought her hand up to rub across her face and back through her hair, then pressed herself a little tighter against Eddie. "I told Hank about everything that had happened back home," maybe not everything, but enough, "and I woke up this morning and realized he was still gone and I just-" she paused to take a couple of deep, heavy breaths, her eyes stinging again. "People just keep leaving. And I know that you understand what that feels like, and I think that's why I ended up here. Because I know that this isn't what you signed up for-" there was that apology she had bitten back earlier, "-but I am honestly terrified and I don't know what to do." It was no small thing for her to admit that either, nor was it insignificant that she had stopped trying to hold back the tears in front of him. Audrey was usually a different sort of mess entirely - the kind that struck others as strong and capable and ready to throw down at a moment's notice. That was just the role she filled for a lot of people. The quirks in her personality might have endeared her to them, but she knew that people saw her a certain way and she hated to disappoint them by showing the cracks in her facade. |