He was too old for emotional meltdowns but here he was. At least he was handling this current conversation with his father well. Past-version of his father even. Shit, was he older than Han right now? Ben decided not to think about that. One issue at a time.
Han's continued optimism was both frustrating and comforting all at once. But the former was only because even now, his father continued to buck against his expectations. In this case, however, it was a good thing. Ben couldn't help but grin as Han shifted the blame sideways to himself, Luke and even Leia. The effort was appreciated but Han was wrong. It hadn't been their hand that had joined Snoke's in helping craft the First Order. All three of them would have rather died fighting against the second rise of the Empire. Unlike him, they had all stood strong, even to the end.
Still, the sentiment was nice to hear. And the touch to his arm was reassuring. Maybe he would have chosen differently. "You're here now. And..." Ben hesitated. He drew his lips in. It went against everything Snoke had taught him to speak so openly, with his father of all people. How many times had Snoke tried to burn it into his mind that he needed to tear that sentimental attachment out, that his need for his father's love and acceptance made him weak. And Ben had believed him because Snoke was always there. Always with a comforting word when no one else was around. Only now did Ben realize how deep the manipulation ran that he almost physically could not speak or move for a few moments as he struggled to speak again.
His fingers twitched around the neck of his glass but he refrained from taking another drink. He took a few more breaths, closed his eyes to focus and then re-opened when he could swallow down the instinct to close himself off. "Someday, maybe I can tell you everything. I'm still trying to ...be okay with it all. I know fatherhood didn't come easily for you and I know I wasn't the easiest to be around either but maybe we start over? I could use a second hand with this, if you were interested," Ben waved his hand over the several napkin drawings. "I know it's not the Falcon but it could be a start."