Albus Severus Potter. (paper_bag) wrote in crackwarts, @ 2008-11-06 10:07:00 |
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Al had given Neville plenty of advance notice about clearing out of his office so that the Would-Be Snape could have a chat with the Portrait Snape, but even Al had to admit that he was edgy when he came in to kick Neville out for the promised chat. And it was all Sirius Black's fault, at that. Well... somewhere between Sirius Black, trying to behave to Mister Lestrange's standards, and everything else that was going on now, there was an intersection and that intersection was currently bearing down on Al with the force of several really big fucking bricks. And, of course, he wasn't alone in this; it wasn't like James was having an easy time or anything -- but James also wasn't the one leaving Faustus's flat every day and pretending to cling to some shred of normalcy in the midst of this mess of shit.
All around, though, there seemed to be a sudden upswing in the number of people who seemed to think that Harry was capable of redemption -- "sudden upswing" meaning "James the First and probably Black." Al was pretty sure that there were more people thought along similar lines; there had to be; this was Harry Fucking Potter they were dealing with, not Mister Malfoy or Mister Black, so obviously there had to still be something redeemable about him. It couldn't just be that he was a shit person who deserved everything he got and more. And, more than anything, Al wanted to talk to Severus right now -- Severus who was bloody sensible when so many other people weren't -- but a side-effect of Faus getting the portrait for the flat was that Severus could be somewhere other than Hogwarts now, and given how long he'd been cooped up in the Headmaster's office, Al couldn't begrudge Severus getting out for a while. And he'd been unspecific about when he was coming, just 'sometime in the afternoon'...
Well, it wasn't a complete loss. Al had bones to pick with his other namesake, who happened to be lazily snoring in his frame. Huffing agitatedly, Al walked over to Dumbledore and stood under the portrait, craning his neck the slight bit that was necessary for talking to him.
"Hey," he said with the same sort of voice he gave Lily when he was being serious. When it failed to rouse Old Blue Eyes, he tried again later: "Hey! Wake up!" When that, too, failed, Al tapped on the frame.
That seemed to work quite well, given that Dumbledore roused, smiled that insipid little smile of his, and said calmly, "Well hello, young Albus Severus. You look well."
"Scorpius, David, Faustus, and Nick have been taking good care of me," Al answered automatically, immediately regretting it when he felt the small pang that reminded him how much he missed Nick. How could he not miss Nick? She was a rock in his life. But that wasn't what he wanted to be thinking about right now. He still needed to be upset. "...That's not why I woke you up."
"Oh, I would have been surprised if it had been. What is troubling you, Albus Severus Pot-"
"Don't 'Albus Severus Potter' me, Professor... sir. I know you're here sometimes when Severus is journaling, and I know I've talked to him about changing my name to Snape, and I'm pretty sure he's not been that quiet about it."
Dumbledore considered this pensively, nodding. "Yes, he did speak of that. What are your thoughts on the matter?"
"Well, why would I want to be a Potter?" Al snapped. "Okay, fine, James the first and my James are alright, and Lily's occasionally crazy but she's usually not that bad, but... overwhelmingly, do you know the attitude that my family's had towards me?"
"I have met both of your siblings, many of your cousins, all four of your grandparents, your mother, and I intimately knew your father and his two best friends, your Aunt Hermione and Uncle-"
"You say you knew them, Professor, but did you really? Okay, sure, you definitely knew their names and faces and whatever intimate details you practically mind-read out of them -- by the way: did you do something crazy like wandless legillimency or are you just that good at reading people?"
"I do not think that you really want an answer to that-"
"Not particularly! It's just... you say you knew them, but did you? Really? Did you know that Harry would grow up to drink like a fish and hit his kids? I mean... sure. There were places where he could've gotten help, but you coached him through defeating the Dark Lord-"
"Now it is my turn to interrupt you, Albus Severus. Lord Voldemort has been dead for quite some time, and there are no longer Death Eaters specially assigned to capturing those who say his name. Fear of the name-"
"Only increases fear of the thing itself; I know, alright?! What, you think I never heard that from Harry?! He was always on me about how it's Voldemort, not the Dark Lord, and if I'm not a fucking coward then I'll say the damn name! Past few years, I haven't even needed to say 'the Dark Lord' for him to go off on that screed! He'll usually just do it because he's pissed and wants to remind me that I failed him by not being some hot-shot Gryffindor graduate Auror! But... I mean... sure, your help was esoteric and it pretty well sucked, but you had to deal with him full-on, so you had to know that he'd be too bloody stubborn to go get help!"
"I understand your anger, Albus Severus, but you do not need to be so upset about these things. It will all work out for the better. Your father is a troubled man-"
"He is not my father; he hasn't been my father on any dependable basis for the better part of my life-"
Dumbledore held up a portraity hand. "Nevertheless, he is a troubled man, and for that, I will admit some fault-"
"Some? SOME?! Try all, old man! Harry told us about all the shit he had to slog through to defeat Voldemort -- he told us over, and over, and over, like being some fucking hero when he was eighteen makes up for the fact that he fucking hits us; I can probably tell you the whole fucking story right NOW -- but that's so not the point. The point is that I know you could have stopped the war, but you didn't. Riddle came to you before he went and was fully Voldemort, and you could've done something. You started your bloody Order of the Fucking Phoenix, but what the hell did any of you do? You and Doge and everyone else just sat around until everything was completely wretched, and then you went and recruited a bunch of fucking kids to fucking fix it! When all the ickle Death Eaters -- Severus, Crouch, Regulus, Mulciber, Avery, the Wilkes girls, Travers, and all that lot -- when they were in school, you could have done something -- sure, fine, they all had problems, but you could have tried to help them, instead of just writing them off as 'just your average group of brooding, obsessive-compulsive, Muggleborn-hexing Slytherins, they're fucked to start with, nothing we can do, so let's all just blatantly favour the Gryffindors, and let Sirius Black get off scotch free with attempted fucking murder because he's a bloody Gryffindor, so this just means that he's troubled and needs our fucking help, and-"
"ALBUS SEVERUS POTTER."
Al quite literally stopped mid-breath and stared at the portrait that had just raised its voice at him. ...He hadn't thought that any portrait could properly do that, much less Dumbledore's. Had he not been shocked and terrified, he likely would have been quite humbled. Dumbledore, completely efficient, simply pointed at the desk.
"Sit."
Not even caring for the fact that Neville's chair was much less cluttered, Al nodded quietly and sat on the desk. ...Okay. Maybe he did need to calm down.
Portrait Severus was in a very good mood at the moment. He had spent most of the past twenty-four hours moving between his frame at Hogwarts and his frame at his son's. It was almost as good a mood as he'd been in after speaking with his son in person. The frame, outside of being a brilliant way of getting away from the other headmasters upon occasion, was also a powerful reminder that he had a son, and that the son he had wanted him around. Considering all of the people he had known with father issues, including himself, that was something to feel good about.
And speaking of people with Daddy issues, he had entered his frame just in time to hear the last of Albus Severus Potter's tirade and Dumbledore's yelling at him and Severus cocked an eyebrow as he stepped into his portrait and regarded the young man that looked so much like the boy he'd not liked at all, who ironically had turned into a man that this boy didn't like at all either. They had that much in common at least.
"Dumbledore, you do deserve at least half of that," he said dryly, and turned his gaze on Albus Severus. "But not all of it," he said equally firmly. "Black got his Azkaban time, albeit not for that attempted murder, but I can't help but feel there was a healthy amount of karma attached to that." It was hard for Severus to admit it, considering that the event had drastically skewed his life in a direction that he had spent most of it regretting. But had that been Black's fault or was it an inevitable outcome? the reappearance of his old two worst enemies had forced him to consider this somewhat over the past few hours - when he hadn't been flitting between one frame to another. "Take a breath."
This? Was not an especially uncommon feeling for Al, really, although the context was different: usually, he was put in the position of being told to sit down and shut up... well, for one thing, Ginny was usually the one doing it, or sometimes Nick, Scorpius, or David if Al was working himself into a particular frenzy over something, and then there were usually different tones being used. Really, for the moment, he quite preferred Severus's tone, since it wasn't the usual, airy-fairy Dumbledore rubbish, Ginny's not at all disguised disdain and dislike, or any of the tones Al's friends used, which ranged from being exceptionally comforting, if usually too permissive (Nick) to outright twattery but with a good core (Scorpius).
Looking up, from Dumbledore's portrait to Severus's, Al swallowed thickly, though more out of reflex -- it had to be reflexive, from all the times he'd done it for Ginny -- than actual fear. Severus was being firm with him, of course, but... well. He deserved that pretty well, and he did need to calm down (since, really, he did have points of contention with Dumbledore, but a good part of them could have easily gotten lost in the fact that he was just generally pissy) and, moreover, Severus wasn't telling him lies in an attempt to trick him into calming down.
Nodding simply, Al did as directed and took a long, deep breath, briefly held it, and then let it out, trying not to slouch as he very much wanted to.
Severus looked at the young man with a touch of empathy - he could be empathetic when he wished to be, after all - and considered him for a moment, allowing him the time to take a breath and regain control of his thoughts and his emotions. He had no doubt that Al had some points, after all, he had gone around with Dumbledore enough times on his own to recognise that the man deserved it, but they would get lost in the anger, and the anger wouldn't help Albus feel better about anything.
"All right, start over, this time without the bitter anger and the chip on your shoulder," Severus said dryly. "What was it you wanted to say?"
Al nodded soberly, very much aware of the fact that Severus was more than right about this; being angry had never solved any of Harry's problems -- and, come to think, it had really just made more of them -- and, really, this was one instance in which Al was perfectly and completely content to just learn by example. He had no pressing desires to figure out just how many people he could shove away by virtue of being really bloody angry and picking fights with the portraits of long-dead Hogwarts Headmasters.
"It's just--" Al stopped immediately, knowing full and well that he was not going to stay even remotely calm if he continued that train of thought. "...This all would have happened now, you know? My granddad's ghost and Black popping up to complicate everything. And James... actually isn't that bad, I guess, but Black... he wants to get to know me, and I guess I can't fault him, but whatever he says, I just feel like the only reason is that I'm James's grandson, and... I really don't want to have two more people telling me that I'm a shit if I don't want to make nice with Harry. Okay, he's called the papers off James and he thinks he should go to prison, but... I don't want to risk trusting him again. That didn't exactly turn out well for me before."
...Al was rambling. Merlin, he hated it when he did that. But at least now he was aware of it and, pursing his lips, he looked back to Severus from all the places he'd let his eyes wander. Severus knew... well, something relevant better than Al did.
Dumbledore rustled as if he wanted to say something and Severus frowned.
"Shut up Dumbledore. This one is mine to handle for the moment, and if you're good I'll let you interject something later."
The comment seemed to amuse the other past Headmaster of Hogwarts and he made a quiet noise that sounded similar to mirth, and fell silent. Severus on the other hand turned his eyes back to Al and considered what to say. Time tended to give one perspective, and while there were some things he'd always still fight to not be upset about, as the first Potter had said, they were no-bloods now, and much of it just seemed silly.
"Al," he considered for a moment. "Family is complicated." It was an understatement, he thought, and his lips twisted slightly in a smirk as he realised that. "It doesn't matter who your family is or what kind of crap they put you through or don't put you through, family is complicated. My Father was not the world's nicest man; but looking back on it, my Mother let him get away with things that he should have never gotten away with. She ignored, except for when she yelled, and both of them ignored me at times, except for when they yelled at me. And yet, I'd do just about anything to sit down and have a talk with either of them. Tobias might still dislike me and we might still yell at each other, but I'd like to have that talk."
"Your granddad," he considered carefully. What could he say about James Potter that was not going to make Al hate him more? It kind of seemed to Severus that the kid shouldn't hate him. Not when it was possible the elder more ghostly Potter had eons more sense than his son. "Your granddad and I had issues, and it would be unfair to say that I didn't give as good as I got. That whole generation was fucked up," he said bluntly, and one of the elder portraits stirred uneasily at the language.
"Could Dumbledore have done things differently? Perhaps. Could I have made different choices? Certainly. Could Harry have made different choices? Absolutely. But it is not fair to blame Dumbledore here for everything that happened, anymore than it would be fair to blame either me for all of the bad blood between Black and myself, anymore than it would be fair to blame Potter for the bad blood between him and myself. The truth is, that relationships are complicated things. Choices are complicated things, and it's hard to know what the outcome of a choice will be, at the time you're making it. You do what you think is right, with the information you're given. And Merlin, I sound like Abe here, but it's the truth."
There were a few times during Severus's rant when Al felt quite like interjecting himself and getting his two knuts about some assertion in, but, each time, he found himself quite silenced, mostly by the fact that Severus kept saying something that Al knew he needed to consider before letting himself speak. And, in all honesty, he'd been doing more than enough speaking without thinking since Black had shown up on the journals -- more than enough, really, especially when this whole preamble with Dumbledore was factored into any considerations -- ideally, he was going to get it under control now, but... the temptation wasn't really proving to be easily managed. At the very least, it was comforting that he hadn't gone off and done something stupid enough that it merited attention from the press or from Mister Lestrange, but he didn't want to think about what would happen if he didn't get a reign on his mouth. It was hard enough, being a Potter and all of that, but, all things considered, it was one of the easier things he'd been asked to do.
"I don't want to make the wrong one," he sighed, after several moments of consideration. "And I know it's ridiculously black-and-white to say 'the wrong one' about something like this, but... that's what it feels like. It looks like there's a right choice, and a wrong choice, but I don't know what either one is, because, on the one hand, I could get through this trial and everything, cut Harry out of my life completely, forever, and never look back, and that would definitely cut my losses, since it wouldn't require going back out on an emotional limb and trying to 'save' the twat with James the First and Black and whoever else thinks he's even remotely salvageable -- I mean, Neville probably does, but Neville compulsively believes the best about people, which is kind of one reason why I like him, but I just... wish he'd make an exception in this case. Chosen One prophecy baby rubbish aside and all that. But that's got the downside of... well, what if I'm wrong? What if he really does want to change, and what if I cut out a lot of things I'll end up missing in refusing to give him a chance? What if I lose something I can't get back, what if I never have a decent relationship with my extended family, corporeal and not, again, what if I end up just like him or worse -- all because I wouldn't risk trying to make nice and forgive him?"
Al paused again, letting slip another sort of sigh, this one far less exasperated than the first, but with a slight whine in the exasperation's place. "Then, on the other," he continued, "I could give Harry another chance, have another go at being in a family with him, try to forgive him for everything he did, and accept what Blue Eyes..." Al paused and gave Dumbledore A Significant Glance, which only earned him one of those maddening little, 'I know more than I am going to tell you' little smiles that the old man was so enamoured with handing out. "...over here and James the First and probably Black, but we haven't discussed it together, say about how Harry's just troubled. ...I mean, of course he's troubled. He basically had to be Jesus or Aslan or some other great saviour figure, and he had to quote-unquote 'die' for everyone's sake; how's he going to come out of that and not be troubled? But, I just... I could listen to the apologist rants in his favour, give this family thing another go, and see if it works out decently enough -- but that has the downside of... well, making myself vulnerable again, and going out on that emotional limb for him again, and just... what if he doesn't change? What if he can't? What if he's all talk and no action? What if I open myself up again and he does something worse than he's done before?"
Idly, Al scuffed his sneakers together, looked down at them, and sighed, "It's probably ridiculous, but... I just don't know if I can believe he's really a good person. ...But, at the same time, there's a lot I could lose if I don't put faith in him. But, then, I've had faith in him before and he's consistently fucked me over for it, and..." He looked back up at Severus, making direct eye contact, even though it made him feel like this was ludicrous -- whining at Severus Snape, the infamous double agent, who'd had much harder choices to make than Al ever would... about family politics. Of course it was ludicrous. "...I just don't know. And I don't like not knowing."
Severus decided that the long tirade, and it was rather long, was better than the end of what he had come in on, for at least it was not full of pent up anger or emotion, but rather an honest statement of problems, if a touch on the whiny side. Then again, he knew that at one time he had been a bit whiny himself, and Aberforth Dumbledore had spent a number of evenings listening to him moan, and trying to give what had turned out frequently to be reasonably sound advise. Severus rather hoped that he could manage the same for Al right now.
"Nobody likes not knowing," he said simply. "It's one of the worst feelings in the world to sit with two choices in front of you and now know which one is the correct one - to be able to see both sides of a scenario and yet not know precisely how your decision will influence the larger picture. The fact that we do this, this thinking things through incessantly and without end? Frankly, son, that is part of why we were sorted into Slytherin, and choosing what we feel will be in our best interest, is not an unusual characteristic for our house." He stopped for a moment trying to decide what best to say to the young man.
"The thing that I think about parents, the thing I think in fact about any relationship no matter how large or how small, is that respect is not a right, it is a privilege and it must be earned, it must always be earned, and protected, and kept. And there is a point in your adult life where you must recognise that you cannot save people from themselves; that you must allow them to make their own choices, and you must choose to either react to their choices or to ignore them altogether." Severus frowned and shuffled in his seat. There were elements of his past that he would have liked to have forgotten and his relationship with his father was one of them. "Al, my father was a drunk, and someone who neglected me. I chose to react; to seek revenge for that. He was murdered, and I had a hand in that as well - which is something I don't talk about at all. I can't think of a time I've told anyone that piece of trivia. I very literally made certain he would never be a part of my life, and I cannot say that I was a better person for that decision."
He hesitated before finishing. "I'm not going to tell you to give him a second chance. Honestly, Al, I know enough of what he's done to say that I believe for you to give him a second chance would require him to earn it. He has not earned it thus far, and I do not believe you should be lenient in what it takes to earn that again. On the other hand, if he is willing to meet your terms and conditions, perhaps it is too harsh to never give him a second chance. For the time being, I believe Black and Potter -" he stopped and shook his head. "I don't believe that it is your responsibility to attempt to change him." He gazed at Albus rather intently. "Does that make any sense at all?"
Once again, Al had to pause and consider everything that Severus was laying out for him, but he supposed that this was probably a natural reaction to being on the receiving end of a monologue from Severus Snape -- which he rather deserved, really, since one good monologue begat another and all that happy nonsense. At least, the necessary pause to consider things wasn't because they didn't make sense, or because they were so outright ridiculous that Al needed to find some way to respond that wasn't completely and utterly offensive, or disrespectful, or ungrateful. It would've been ridiculous to do so anyway, but... Severus didn't need to help him, in no way, shape, or form was it required of him and Al wasn't properly sure that he could imagine anything Severus was getting out of this, aside from possibly whatever portraits got in place of headaches.
Finally, though, the fact that he had to say something got to be too overbearing and Al replied with as much calm as he could muster: "It does. ...And the story, with your father? That's another thing I'm worried about with this. I mean, it isn't like it's hard to find something about Harry that's worth critiquing, worth critiquing harshly, or just outright upsetting, and it's ridiculously easy to just... say shit like, 'Oh, he tried to write me off the moment the Hat said Slytherin' because... well, it's true, but that notwithstanding -- I mean, one of the only tangential things I've had to do with him is reconcile the fact that, through some really unfortunate mix of recombination, I look just like him, aside from all the shit I did, for better or for worse, to myself. And I told him, in our last run-in, something like, 'I look just like you but that doesn't mean I'm anything like you' but... if I just cut him out, even with all my reasons for it, am I really any different than him? If I let my brother and maybe sister risk something like this without me, how am I an improvement on him?"
Al paused and sighed. "...I could stand giving him a second chance, if he works for it, I think," Al said softly.