This is your fault you stupid prat. You should be alive and I should be able to yell at you right now like I want too. You always did piss me off like that. You were my best friend and sometimes I think it would be easier if you were still around so I could tell you what I was thinking. I’m pretty sure that I will never completely forgive you for all the things you did to me or the way you hurt you caused. I don’t know if you would have done the noble thing and married her and raised your kid or not. I think if you had, I would have stormed your wedding and demanded that you put it to a stop though quite honestly. You might have been an idiot but you were my fucking idiot. You were my best friend and you’re dead – you fucking ruin everything for everyone. You always fucking ruined everything.
I feel so alone. Alicia lives with Oliver these days and I feel like I never see either of them. I don’t know what is going on with either of them really but I guess their careers are busy. Hell if I know. There is Katie who has her busy life as well. Lee is so successful. I tried to drag him out for a pint last night but he couldn’t. He had a date and I didn’t have the nerve to tell him that I needed him more than he needed another random date. George is doing so well. He’s a brilliant dad and I think he’s happy with Verity. He’s about the only person that it feels like really gets it and I don’t know if I can really talk to him about this whole residual fucked up grief. It almost doesn’t feel like I have any right to it. I wasn’t the one that had your kid with. I was just the one that you forgot about. I was the one that never had the nerve to tell you just how badly it bothered me.
I was doing so well though and she had to go and set me off. The raging bitch doesn’t really have to say much of anything to piss me off and bring back all the bad feelings. The saddest thing is that I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at you. I’m so mad at you and I can’t do anything about it. Poor George is caught in the middle and I don’t even know what to say to him. I just want things to be like they used to be. I want to be happy and not resent you or anyone else. I want my best friend back. It was so much simpler when we were in school and we had crazy people trying to kill us. I think there has to be some irony in that. I really just don’t know what to do anymore. I just miss you. I fucking miss feeling like I belong. I just need someone to talk to.
I don’t even know why I bothered to write this though. It’s not like I’ll be getting a response in the mail or anything. It isn't going to change anything or make it better. I'm going to stop while I'm ahead in this game. You're having the last laugh as always.