12th May 2023 • The Wizarding World's Beguiling Broadsheet of Choice • Price: 5 κ
FORBIDDEN FOREST FUROR: CENTAURS IN REVOLT?
Ministry denies cover-up
By Emulius C. Middling, Ace Reporter
HOGSMEADE, SCOTLAND: According to first-hand reports from keen-eyed citizen reporters in Hogsmeade, the Forbidden Forest of Scotland is the setting of recent troubling incidents, which some concerned observers fear might spell danger for students of the recently-reopened Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Reports of strange noises, odd footprints, and unusual commotions within the forest have been dismissed by Hogwarts staff and Ministry workers as "stuff and nonsense", but Hogsmeade residents are left wondering whether there's more to be learned.
"I'm not one to question the Headmistress up at the school, me," confides Billibous Wexter, longtime Hogsmeade resident, "but if nothing's going on in the Forest, why don't she just say so instead of getting all mumbly-jumbly about it, eh?" Headmistress Septima Vector could not be reached for comment.
A spokeswitch for the Ministry's Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures confirms that three department employees were sent to the Forest on request of Hogwarts' Headmistress, but denies that anything out of the ordinary is taking place in the Forbidden Forest.
"Look, if there were anything going on which poses a danger to Hogwarts students, we would do everything in our power to keep those young witches and wizards safe and to keep parents and concerned citizens informed" said exasperated departmental spokeswitch Romana Proudfoot when asked to comment. "It was a routine inspection, nothing more."
But a confidential source within the Ministry reports that the three Magical Creatures employees who visited Hogwarts recently included the sole member of the Centaur Liaison Office, Leopoldus Finch.
Cornered for comment, Mr. Finch admitted, "Well, it's no lie, the centaurs are in a tizzy. Blowed if I can figure out what they're on about... probably worried about Mars getting crashed into us or some rubbish."
Far be it from this reporter to suggest that the Ministry is orchestrating a grand cover-up of a growing centaur rebellion in the forest near Hogwarts, as some citizens are beginning to fear. We will be following this story in the days to come. Readers, you'll see the truth here first!