InsaneJournal

WHO: Jack [with a cameo by Ianto]
WHAT: As is always the way, Jack is far from honest with Ianto.
WHEN: 3 September; early, early morning.
WHERE: At the Flat
RATING: low. *GASP*
STATUS: Complete


The clock on the wall read three in the morning, but Jack knew he'd been awake for most of the night. As he was every night -- nothing new there. For the most part, Jack had pretended like things were okay and nothing was wrong between himself and Ianto.

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. Jack had been lying to himself and to Ianto ever since the rescue from the Master. No, there hadn't been sex since he came back, and there was a part of Jack that wondered what Ianto thought of this whole thing. Added to that, it wasn't like Jack was even going out looking for sex either.

Yes, Jack Harkness had been celibate for damn near two weeks. It had to be a record somewhere.

The problem was, Jack blamed himself for everything that had happened. He blamed himself for returning to the con-man way of life and god the things he had said during that time were inexcusable. As far as Jack was concerned, there was no excuse for the things he said even if he wasn't himself.

It didn't matter that Ianto didn't blame him -- Jack blamed himself.

Then, when coupled with the fact that he had fucked Gwen? No, it was absolutely beyond the pale. There was the agreement between himself and Ianto that Jack was free to fuck whoever he wanted on the side, just so long as Jack returned to Ianto at the end of the day. But Jack also knew there was an unspoken rule that Gwen wasn't to be touched -- one didn't fuck co-workers.

Hypocrisy, of course, was overlooked there.

But when Ianto went to the Master -- Jack firmly believed he lost any and all right to even touch Ianto. It was only because Jack craved Ianto's touch that he allowed himself to crawl into bed with him every night. Once he was certain Ianto was asleep, however, Jack removed himself from the bedroom and aimlessly wandered the flat, hoping he wouldn't wake either Gwen or Ianto with his moving about.

And, as was always the case, the moment the clock turned three in the morning, Jack returned to the bed crawled in beside Ianto. This was the only time Jack could allow himself to be near Ianto as he wanted. He was always careful not to wake his lover, sliding into bed beside him and carefully gathered Ianto into his arms. Jack closed his eyes, burying his face in Ianto's hair and held him close. This was the only time Jack could trust that Ianto wouldn't wake. It was the only time he'd allow himself to be happy. Deep down, Jack realised he was denying Ianto his happiness in his reticence to be near him -- but Jack couldn't. Not with the way the guilt was wracking through him as it was.

Careful not to wake him, Jack nestled his face into the crook of Ianto's neck, his body curling around his lover. His scent washed over Jack and, for at least a few hours, Jack let himself be happy. He kept a close eye on the clock and the moment it clicked over to 4:45, he rolled away from Ianto but not before pressing a kiss to his temple. Soft words of love were murmured into his ear, the most Jack would risk speaking to him during the night.

Heart in tatters, Jack pulled himself from the bed and grabbed his coat from the other room. To the roof it was.

To brood the loss of something he had no right to hold anymore -- even if he wanted it more than anything.