InsaneJournal

You already have everything you need. Now fight. (heavenslancer) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2009-08-06 21:57:00

Entry tags:

!closed, castiel

The band in Heaven plays my favourite song
Who: Anna and Castiel
What: First meeting
Where: Castiel's apartment
When: Day of Castiel's arrival
Rating: PG

Castiel did not pace, he stood facing the door. His back was ridged, his hands in his pockets.
He did not know how this meeting would go and that concerned him.
Anna had every right to be furious with him. He had treated her terribly, too afraid to see that she had been, at least in part, right until it was much too late.
The knowledge he was following orders had ceased to be a comfort.

He was still afraid but for completely different reasons now.
He didn't move. He waited.

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angelradio
2009-08-06 08:28 pm UTC (link)

Flickering lights signaled the arriving Angel. She had no idea what to think of Castiel, or what he was thinking now. Anna herself had come from a time right after she had killed Uriel. She was aware Castiel could arrive from a different time altogether. If he was asking to see her, either he wanted to, or he was supposed to kill her.

Not that she thought he would.

She had no idea she had been turned over to the Brethren, by Castiel himself in her future, perhaps it was best it staid that way. One minute, it was just the door, the next, she was standing infront of it, on the inside. Her arms were stiff at her side as she raised her eyes to look at Castiel standing in the room, perhaps more rigid than she was.

The last time she had spoke to Castiel before dealing with Uriel, he had wanted her to tell him what to do. Like the old days, when she had been a commander. She wouldn't do that now, he had to think for himself.

Other than to see a familiar face, what could he possibly want? "Hello, Castiel." she said carefully.

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heavenslancer
2009-08-06 09:02 pm UTC (link)

Castiel swallowed. He noted her guarded manner. If she was furious with him, disgusted, she was hiding it and that didn't sound like Anna.

He stared at her, unable to speak at first. His eyes were full of questions and fear and relief and something else, a determination, a purpose that had not been there before.

If Anna had been here she would likely not know what he had left. He wondered how long she had been here, what she missed. Was it possible she wasn't furious with him because she didn't know?

He looked her up and down as if to assure himself she was all there.
"Anna," he said, his voice tight. I want you know I did what you said. I want you to know I made my choice.

But why? Did he need her approval? Her company? Her permission to let go? Was he lonely, hungry, tired?

I want you to know I am sorry.

"I am glad you are safe," his voice was odd, strained. He looked at the floor, his hands still deep in his pockets. It was clear he had something to say but no idea how to say it.

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angelradio
2009-08-06 10:43 pm UTC (link)

She blinked, and relaxed slightly. No threats, and he ever seemed...worried at first? A moment of confusion flashed across her face, why would she be the one in danger? Besides obvious reasons of orders to kill her, or bring her in. But she'd done a good job of avoiding other Angels, save Castiel, who she had hopes for that he might see what was really going on, instead of following blindly.

"Why wouldn't I be safe?" she asked, "Before I landed here, you were the one who was almost finished by Uriel." that had only just been a few days ago for her.

Her face became softer, and she took a few more steps into the room, tilted her head up slightly as she drew closer to him. What was it that he wasn't saying?

"If something happened, Cas, just say it. What's wrong?" She didn't like to beat around the bush, Anna was the kind of person who would say exactly what she thought.

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heavenslancer
2009-08-07 02:46 am UTC (link)

Castiel's jaw tightened. He now understoood why she had not written him off altogther.
This Anna had not stayed to see his betrayal (for he could no longer see it any other way). He felt like a liar, a cheat, playing on her ignorance but he also knew, had he been given that order now, he would not have followed it.

She moved closer, seemed worried about him. Of course, she wanted to know why he was worried for her safety and he had to answer.
"Anna, things happened since you left." So not the strongest start.

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, looked everywhere but into her eyes.
He searched around for the words and, in a moment, they came. All at once.
His voice was chracking, it's usual control strained to breaking.

"When I did not hear from you I... I did it, I made my choice. I don't know if it was in time. They were coming to tear me appart. All I needed to do was slow them down, buy Dean time. Back there I may already be dead, Lucifer may be walking the Earth. I took too long. I took too long." His voice faded to a bitter whisper. His body, Jimmy's body, was trembling but Castiel did not seem to notice. He lowered his head and stared at, through, the floor.

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angelradio
2009-08-07 10:40 pm UTC (link)

Since she'd left. So he was from a time after she was. What had happened that could get him this tense? ...unless. If her stomach was capable of the feeling like it was about to drop out of her stomach, it would feel that way now.

I took too long. Lucifer might be on Earth at home already. She'd been right all along. She to have been. The Angels were not doing what they were supposed to be doing, or what they were leading on. If they had of been trying, they could have stopped it. Humans, betrayed by the ones meant to serve them.

The news was a blow, but her composure remained calm. Anna didn't freak out much these days. Though her expression was one that was slightly hurt. Had it really taken him that long to choose? "And why didn't you hear from me?" she questioned. There was no way she would have turned her back on the oncoming threat of their brother rising again. If she thought Cas had a chance of thinking for himself, she wouldn't have ignored him.

At least she didn't think she would have.

Sow what had happened?

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heavenslancer
2009-08-08 01:35 am UTC (link)

Castiel didn't look up. He looked even more uncomfortable. His face shifted, his eyes darkened, his shoulders sagged.

And there it was.

I was following orders.
I am sorry.
I didn't know, not then.
I would never do that now.
You were right, I should have listened.
If I could go back...

I didn't matter what he said. He had lost her now.
He lifted his face, his eyes creased in pain.

I betrayed the only one of us who was worth saving

His voice was heavy with resignation as he spoke.

"They came for you." She would ask the next question and that would be it. It would be over. He wasn't shaking any more. He looked away.

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angelradio
2009-08-08 01:49 am UTC (link)

Several things went through her mind in the long pause she was staring at him. They came for her. Well they were always coming for her. Orders were to kill her, or hand her over. Every angel in the garrison was coming for her, it was just a matter of how they found her.

But she was beginning to guess she could figure that out as well. He wouldn't meet her eyes, he wouldn't look at her. He almost looked...guilty? Like her regretted something? Had he done this? Could he do this? Yes. He could. He was an Angel. She thought he had started to think. Had something happened to make him fall back in line.

Breaking her gaze away from him, she looked around the room. It was much like the one she had been assigned, not that she would ever really use much of it. It was simply a place to try and blend in, not that she thought she would be doing much of that.

"I was turned over." she said, not as a question, it was a statement. She was sure that was how it happened. "You turned me over." because what other Angel would she go around? She had been careful. So very careful, they had never caught her. They never would have unless she had made herself vulnerable. She had trusted Castiel.

Like she had trusted Dean, but that betrayal had been a plan. It was how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't a plan, he'd followed orders. Of course he followed orders, it was what they all did. Could she blame him for it? She didn't know. At least not yet.

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heavenslancer
2009-08-08 02:52 am UTC (link)

"I did," Castiel was not one to lie and, even if he was, he would not insult her further by denying it.

He glanced in her direction from the corner of his eye. She was still here.
She had not stormed out. She had not burned his body, hit him, spat on his name as he should so easily have done.

Why?

He turned his head. Slowly, tentatively he poked at her gaze, testing it as he would test a closed door.

"Anna, I was wrong." Why even try? What could he possibly say?
"The moment they took you..."
He gave up. She would do as she would. That was how Anna always had been. What excuse could he offer? She already knew he was under orders.

He wanted to ask her if she was OK. He wanted to be sure they had not hurt her but he knew what they had done to him and that it was a pointless hope.

He dropped his eyes, Jimmy's stomach tight with distress. Desperate to get it over with, to prompt some kind of reaction, he said softly, his voice reluctant, edged in sadness, "I'm sorry." If she was going to rage at him perhaps those words would bring it forth.

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angelradio
2009-08-08 10:25 pm UTC (link)

The moment he took her, what? He was wrong, but at least she knew it. The way she held herself said she wasn't exactly thrilled by what she was hearing. Why would she? Her eyes held a certain coolness. He'd stepped back in line, followed orders, even if he knew that what he had been told couldn't possibly be from God. He would never order a human to torture. He just wouldn't, she knew it.

Anna wasn't one to rage. She didn't throw fits, or tantrums. Not even as a human was she one to really lash out if she could avoid it. He'd betrayed her in the future. But right now? She was fine. Anna had never made it that far in her world, the Garrison had never landed their hands on her.

"What happenes?" she asked, arms folding over her chest as she regarded him cooley. "Do they kill me?" that were the orders, weren't they? Did he even know what they did to her, or what they might do to her?

She couldn't be mad. He was an Angel, he followed orders. But she could be disappointed. Disappointed she had been betrayed, disappointed that it took him that long to choose. It took the world ending for him to realize he didn't want it to happen?

"You were following orders." she said, finally, looking back up at him. She didn't look pleased, but she didn't look like she was going to retaliate either. "It's not your fault, you were simply doing what they told you to do." her tone was sharp, obviously she wasn't completely over the betrayal she didn't witness, but she knew she couldn't fully blame him either.

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heavenslancer
2009-08-09 12:30 am UTC (link)

This was worse.
You were following orders The same excuse he had rejected for himself.
It didn't matter that it was, at the time, valid. It didn't matter that they had dragged him back to Heaven and- He knew better. He had let fear drive his hand.

He was prepared for anger. He had wanted it. One explosion of righteous fury to clear the air.
But he also knew he didn't deserve for this to be easy.
He knew she had expected more of him. He knew this. He had let her down.

She had seen it in him, that he would be likely the one to turn, the one who questioned, and he had been. He had also been a coward, as Dean had to adroitly pointed out. Now he had found his conviction at the last moment he could hardly expect her to be impressed.

He swallowed.
"Anna, I do not know what became of you. Before they took you they came for me, to set be back on the right path. They-" No, he would not make excuses.
"After that Zachariah look me with him, kept watch over me. We were to keep Dean Winchester safe. Only that wasn't what was happening." His voice turned rough.

"Anna, I didn't see you again. I do not know what became of you. There was no time to- I couldn't go back there. I couldn't go home after it all started. Even before they were coming for me too they were watching every thing I did."

A pause.

"There is no excuse. I was wrong. Almost everything I did went against what I knew to be right but I was too afraid." He finally met hew eyes.

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angelradio
2009-08-09 11:39 pm UTC (link)

What setting him back on the right path meant, she could easily imagine. They would have brought him back to Heaven. It would have been painfully, horribly bad. Heaven didn't have mercy for it's Angels, the idea of it made her eyes go wide for a moment, zoning out.

It would have been painful for him, and what would they have done, or what would they do to her if they manage to catch her? She's disrupted time by coming here, though at the moment she wasn't going to complain. At least she was unharmed.

When she felt his eyes on her, she glanced back up, face still hard. She didn't know what to think. But when she spoke, her voice was soft, careful. "Then what made you finally make up your mind?" it obviously hadn't been her.

So what had fully swayed him from Heaven, and made him choose to rebel? Who or what could have finally said or done the right thing?

Maybe, maybe if he had the right answer for this, she would see it wasn't all for nothing. Lucifer could be defeated. If Castiel had fully changed sides, than it wasn't over. Maybe there would be more, maybe they could send their fallen brother back to his cage.

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heavenslancer
2009-08-10 06:13 am UTC (link)

Castiel watched Anna warily though with a little less trepidation than before.

It had been uncomfortable to talk about his "re-education" and he was glad Anna would know enough to spare him going into details.

But it all that slipped from his mind as she asked that question.
The question he had been asking himself since it happened.

He sighed and started talking. "Zachariah and I took Dean Winchester to a safe room. Dean, as usual, protested. He asked difficult questions.
He still believed he was meant to stop the apocalypse. Zachariah had already revealed the truth to me, earlier." The last word forced his eyes to the floor. It took him a moment to gather himself.

"What Zachariah said made sense. Their suffering would be over. We would defeat Lucifer and there would be 1000 years of peace." His tone was as false-bright as Castiel's ever got but he dropped it as quickly as he had affected it.

"But, they would rather have the pain," and he shallowed, in his eyes was wonder. "Dean told me that if anything was worth dying for it was this. The right to their own pain. Anna, they don't want their lives to be perfect. They want to fight against things that aren't fair. Dean wanted it. I, I don't really understand but he wanted it so much I couldn't let them take it from him, from all of them. I couldn't impose a paradise they didn't want. I don't think it was Father's will. He would never be absent from the end of days. In the end the only thing I could do was stop them."

He frowned in concentration, his tone gentle. "You already knew, didn't you?" he said softly. "That they would rather have the pain?"

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angelradio
2009-08-11 12:50 am UTC (link)

Of course it was Dean, if only he had been able to get through to Cas on time, then maybe he really could have stopped the Apocalypse. Of course they wanted their pain. They wanted the choices, the free will. The love, acceptance, the feeling of friendship and unity. Junk food, sex, smoothies. It was all worth fighting for. She missed it all.

She wasn't surprised the Angels saw it one way. But they couldn't see, they couldn't understand like she could. She'd been one of them, raised as one of them to an adult, Anna knew what it meant to be human. To have free will, to experience it all. She would fight for her right to live as well.

Smiling slightly, she was half amused by his question. Of course she knew. "It's all worth fighting for. The pain, the suffering. It comes with love. Trust, friendship, a closeness you'll never understand unless you experience it yourself. All the pleasures they have, the free will, it's worth fighting for. I'd fight for it."

Letting her arms fall to her sides, she looked around the room again. There television, the couch, the fridge to store so many different kinds of yummy foods. God, she missed chocolate cake. "I know. I was one of them, how could I not? Zachariah's idea of paradise isn't shared with most humans, Castiel. It's murder. Genocide."

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heavenslancer
2009-08-11 04:53 am UTC (link)

"No, you knew before you fell," he said. "You saw their life as better. You must have known what it offered. How? How did you know? I watched them and I admired them but their pain hurts to see. I did not want it. I though they did not want it. How did you know better? How did you know of courage before you needed it? How did you know of love before it was tested? How did you know pain was valuable before you felt it? Or did you feel it?"

Was she already in pain back then? Unable to be who she really was. Feeling conflicted. Pain Castiel understood.

He wondered if he had been more like Anna would he have made better choices? Would he have been more use or would he have just fallen faster?
Was there something wrong with him or her? Neither of them?

He was hungry for answers, he had been for so long. He could sense it now. He was getting closer to understanding. He didn't know if the answer was already in him or would come from her but it was there and he was finally ready to know.

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angelradio
2009-08-11 01:14 pm UTC (link)

"Is it really that hard for you to see?" she asked, or did he just not want to admit it? Or maybe she was the only one who saw that being human was a better life. A much shorter life, but better.

"Look at us." she said, motioning between the two of them. "Look at our 'family' A father we've never seen, brothers and sisters who will hurt you for making a mistake. There's no forgiveness, no love, no trust. There's orders, there's loneliness, and there's a constant battle." a constant fight with demons, with each other, a never ending road. And how often did they get to go home just because they wanted to?

"Now look at them. No, they're not perfect, and some of their families are just as bad as ours. But really look. Children know their parents, and are loved by them, or they create their own family. They have homes to go to, places they feel safe. They connections they make, the bonds, the experiences we will never have. How could it not be better?"

"From the moment we were born we've had our purposes in life, or orders. We never change, it's always the same, cold, lonely life. But look how far the human race has come. Look at what they've done, what they've built. What their capable of. The war, and the selfless compassion. And despite all of the things they go through, they never quit. They keep on going through it all." their sheer determination to survive, to keep on going.

How could it not be better. "I could just see it, and it was better than the life I had." she was a commanding officer, sure, but it didn't mean anything. "The love I had in my human family is unmeasurable. If you could just see that, you would know."

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heavenslancer
2009-08-12 08:23 am UTC (link)

He wanted to deny everything she said. He wanted to tell her how perfect Heaven was, how there was no pain. How he loved his siblings and wasn’t that love? How their Father would come back.

Castiel took in everything she said. His face tensed in concentration.
He thought on it, slowly, ever so slowly, things started to fall into place. He looked at her directly and said “That is why Jimmy begged me to take him back.” He broke eye contact and started to pace.

“When they took me back to Heaven they left Jimmy behind. When I returned I couldn’t re-enter him, he was unwilling.” Castiel frowned a little at the memory. “He though he could just go home but demons started to chase him. They took his family. He begged me for my help but he was still unwilling to take me back. I had to find another host. He daughter, she had his blood, she was willing. I took her form and defeated the demons but not before they shot Jimmy. He was dying. He was angry because he though I had failed to keep his family safe but I had not. I told him this.

I told him he would rest in Heaven’s field forever but he was not grateful, or assured.
He demanded I return to his body. I did not understand. He had found being my host distressing and his daughter had been willing. He demanded it again. I warned him it would be much worse than before. He said it didn’t matter. He was insistent so I moved back to him.”

Castiel paused. “He was trying to spare her. He was willing to take a thousand years of pain and overwhelming fear to spare his daughter. That is what a father is.”

He stopped pacing. “Before I came here I was standing in the house of a prophet, waiting to be torn apart because the minute that that would take might buy one human the time he begged for.

I do not know if I have fallen but I know that I can… feel… things I never did before.”

His face twisted for a moment. “Is this what it feels like? To fall? To be cut off from home? To be full of feelings that make no sense? That make you do things that make no sense?"

He paused. His voice went soft as if afraid someone else would here his dangerous admission.

"Standing in that room with the prophet and the light and the roar I felt... alive."

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