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Severus T. Snape ([info]snark_master) wrote in [info]colligo_threads,
@ 2009-08-03 19:37:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:!closed

Who: Severus and Lily
When: Now, early evening
Where: Severus's flat
Rating/Warnings: yelling, swearing, maybe hexing, Lily gets to learn all about Severus...
Status: In progress, closed

This conversation was bound to happen sooner or later, Severus kept trying to tell himself that, a way to try to reassure himself, but he was pretty sure that neither sooner nor later would be easy. Part of him had hoped that one of the others might have just pointed Lily in the direction of the books - she could read all about what he had done, and he wouldn't have to be there to endure her wrath and loathing when she realized what he really was. However, Severus was never that lucky, and fate was never kind to him.

He tried to occupy his mind with his ballad blasting PDA - what ever Regulus had done to the thing, while rather amusing, was proving a bit beyond his abilities to stop at the moment. It was back on that song by Celine Dion, about hearts going on. It was horribly sappy, and entirely too depressing for the moment and unfortunately all he could do was scowl at the thing in frustration. He placed it back on the table and then turned his right hand to pulling at his left sleeve - it was a nervous habit he fell back on when he was alone and about to face the reality of who he was.

Resignedly, he sighed, rubbed at his eyes, and tried to mull over exactly what he would tell Lily, where to start. The pit in his stomach opened wider as he realized there was no good way to explain ... any of it to Lily.

It had only been a few moments since Lily had messaged him saying she was coming over, but the seconds were dragging by like years, and it would be a century before Lily showed up.


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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-04 02:25 am UTC (link)
Lily tucked her PDA away in the pocket of the green muggle dress she was wearing after having received a message from Severus saying that she could come over to talk. She couldn't believe it, but she was actually nervous. She had misjudged Severus for all these years. Granted, he had said some terrible things to her, but she had been the one to refuse to forgive him for it. If he really was a double agent, then she felt as if she'd made a terrible mistake.

She slipped on a pair of flat shoes and made her way down the short distance of hallway that separated her room from Severus'. She peered at the other name on the door. Regulus Black. Oh, bloody hell. She was walking into a den of Death Eaters, wasn't she?

Taking a deep breath, the red haired witch raised her hand to knock on the door. That was when she heard a positively bizarre sound. It was muggle music coming from inside Severus' room. Terrible muggle music at that. "Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on..." Lily's eyebrows knit together and her mouth turned down in a frown. What on earth?

Curiosity both over the music and what her grandson had told her about Severus finally drove her to raise her hand and knock. "Severus?" she called tentatively. She hoped he hadn't changed his mind and would still let her in. She'd almost understand if he didn't.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-04 02:56 am UTC (link)
Near, far, wherever you are

Severus cast a disparaging glare at the singing PDA - there really was no way to shut it up, he had tried all the buttons on the muggle device short of turning it off.

I believe that the heart does go on

What was wrong with this woman? Severus had to wonder. After realizing he was screwed as far as where to begin explain things to Lily and still survive he had turned his attention back to the the blasted box. It was proving to be an easier problem than the one walking down the hall.

The rap on the wooden door startled Severus from his ponderings.

Once more you open the door

... and that was just eerie.

"Severus?" he almost didn't hear her over the song.

And you're here in my heart

Merlin! Lily was here, that century had come to a close awful fast. Severus took a few steadying breaths before he stood up from where he was sitting. This was it - he could always lie, as Albus had suggested - but Severus knew he would tell everything. He prepared himself to see Lily for the last time - again.

And my heart will go on and on

Severus closed the distance to the door and opened it.

"Lily," he forced a smile and stepped back to let her in.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-04 03:20 am UTC (link)
Lily almost sighed with relief when Severus actually opened the door. She was afraid he was going to turn her away. She looked up at him as she stepped carefully in the door, offering him a small smile that was nearing on shy. "Hello Severus," she said, nodding her thanks for his opening the door for her.

Merlin, what was she supposed to say? Or do? She knew she had just met her grandson, but she knew she could trust him. Even when he said that Severus Snape was a hero. Something she never would have expected and something she possibly wouldn't have believed coming from many other people. She wanted to believe it was true, that Severus had given up his Death Eater days and had actually been fighting for the side of good, but it was a tentative belief for now. She could be wrong.

She took it upon herself to sit on the couch, wringing her hands in her lap. This was going to be difficult. She almost wanted to have her wand ready in her hand just in case, but decided against it. She was going to give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment.

Looking up at Severus again, green eyes wide and honest, she finally spoke again.

"What on earth is that noise?"

That was not even remotely what she'd actually meant to say.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-04 03:35 am UTC (link)
Watching Lily enter and then take a seat at the couch gave him something to do - she seemed sure of herself, and he was willing to let her take the lead - or maybe him not saying anything just made things more awkward. He was willing to bet the latter was actually the case, that was just his way. Again, just as the other night, he was struck with the desire to just stare at Lily - it really would be much easier than the impending conversation - and hell, he was already bringing in the awkward in spades.

But Lily was already directing the conversation.

He moved towards the table with purpose and picked up the PDA before heading back to the living area and taking a seat opposite Lily.

"I think Regulus charmed - or cursed my PDA, it is very much manifesting as a painful curse rather than a 'harmless' charm. He magicked it to play the music of some of the most obnoxious muggle singers." Severus outstretched his PDA for Lily to look at, "I cannot get thing to stop, well I have not tried magic yet."

Severus knew this wasn't the reason Lily was there, but he would take the small distraction.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-04 03:45 am UTC (link)
Lily looked quizzically at the PDA for a moment before finally giving in and releasing a small giggle. "I'm sorry," she said, pressing a hand to her mouth, though another giggle managed to escape. "That's really not funny." But it actually was kind of funny. Though she could see how Severus would get quickly frustrated by the singing PDA.

She fished her wand out of her dress pocket, pointing it at the PDA, "Silencio," she said with a wave of the wand. The spell seemed to work for a moment, then the singing managed to break through again. Lily's eyes went wide. Regulus was a better wizard than she thought. Or at least he was better at pranks than most. She looked up at Severus and shrugged apologetically, pocketing her wand again.

"I know you don't want me here," she began, looking down as if she suddenly found her shoes to be absolutely fascinating. "But like I told you, I wanted to see you. To talk to you."

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-04 04:05 am UTC (link)
Touché Severus had to admit Regulus had done amazingly well with the prank, and couldn't help but smile also. But it only helped to solidify his resolve to get back at the prat. He already had a plan. And when he had time later he would put the device through magical scrutiny - he would stop the infernal noise.

But there were other matters first.

"Lily I-" he stopped, already unsure of how to proceed, "I said it would be a horrible idea for us to have this conversation face to face - not that I did not want to see you. There is a difference."

It was about this time that he found he couldn't look at Lily any more and found something engrossing on the arm of his chair, he picked at a piece of thread more out of a need to keep from pulling on the left sleeve of his shirt than for an interest in the imperfection, "I know what Albus told you, he left a lot out... and, I think you have the wrong impression of me."

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-04 04:20 am UTC (link)
Lily wanted to question just why it would be such a bad idea for them to talk about this face to face. She hated talking to people over that silly muggle contraption. It was a handy thing, but not so good for actually conveying emotions. It made it so much easier when she could see how people looked, how they were acting, not just read their words. But she kept those questions to herself. She imagined they would be answered in due time.

"I don't think that I do," she answered with a shake of her head. She managed to bring her eyes back up from her shoes and to Severus, and she continued to look steadily at him even though he wasn't looking at her.

"Tell me, Severus, is it true that you were loyal to Dumbledore?" Lily kept her voice even, despite the fact that her heart was hammering in her chest loud enough that she was certain Severus could hear. If she got the answer to this question that Albus had already told her, then she definitely didn't have the wrong impression. Her hatred of what Severus had become might be unfounded.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-04 04:37 pm UTC (link)
The bit of thread was unyielding no matter how Severus pulled on it; though, it wasn't his intent to break it, he would have to find some other small, mundane thing to focus on if he did that. Oddly, that little imperfection in the chair's fabric seemed to steady him, keep the turning in his stomach to a minimum - if he looked away he knew he would lose it. He pulled a few more times before answering, before the garish music filling the silence between them became too much.

"Yes, I am ... still... but only for the past year... or so..." his voice low as he attempted to keep it steady, he kept his eyes on the thread. As he said it he realized how much he didn't like saying it - not because he regretted switching sides - but the displeasure was born more out of shame for the need to qualify the time length.

There was a time when Severus had foolishly wished only to impress Lily, with who he'd been, what he'd accomplished. But then he had made that atrocious mistake, and he realized he'd accomplished nothing, become nothing, and in that moment all his ambition and focus had changed - he cared for only one thing, Lily's safety (her family's in truth, as that was a packaged deal). And one year of trying to rectify the problems he'd caused did not come close to redeem him even in his eyes - especially knowing how futile his efforts would be.

"Before that..." did he really have to say it to her? Surely Lily could not think so highly of him, no matter what Albus said, that she was blind to the obvious.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-04 05:49 pm UTC (link)
"Before that..."

"You were a prat," she finished for him, flashing a rueful smile that she wasn't sure if he would actually see or not. "And I hated you, what you became. Maybe I still do." She sighed heavily and shrugged. She honestly didn't know how she was feeling about Severus right now. He had been the one to help her find Harry and Remus, he had taught her how to use the PDA, he had even let her take his wand from him, though she was certain he didn't like it. Just the simple fact that he didn't fight her on it must have meant something.

He had only been loyal to Dumbledore for the past year or so. Before that, what he had done had been no act. He really had been so deep in the Dark Arts that he had turned on her. At least, that's how she thought of it. She had wanted to believe that he was a double agent for Dumbledore even then, but apparently he hadn't been.

"What made you change your mind?" she asked quietly. "You were so far gone that I finally had to give up on you. On trying to change you. It made me sick to do that, Severus. I wanted to help you so much..." She trailed off and swallowed. Lily continued to wring her hands in her lap. "What changed your mind?"

She kept her eyes leveled at where Severus' own eyes would be if he would only look at her, willing him to look up just once. She wanted to see if there was even a ghost of the boy who had been her best friend still hiding in there somewhere. She was beginning to wonder.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-04 07:25 pm UTC (link)
Of course that question would be next - but why did it have to come so soon? She'd only just arrived, he'd only been in her presence such a short time. Granted he had not looked at her for more than a few, brief moments, but just the sound of her voice was good to hear again, despite what she might be saying to him, he would take derision over silence. Besides, everything she was saying was correct. He was a prat, an idiot, stupid, foolish, the biggest git in the world - universe even - there was no arguing with cold, hard truths.

He flinched when she said that she had hated him - he'd always suspected that, but that didn't soften the blow any. She might have thought she knew what it was to hate him, but she would learn that whatever she felt before was a trifling emotion compared to what she could feel.

Severus sighed inwardly, willfully ignoring the screaming protest of turning bile in his stomach, it was time to get to that point where he proved exactly why having this conversation face to face was a bad idea.

He steeled himself and directed his eyes at Lily. They first alighted on her hands, wringing as they were, and understood she was nervous, but not nearly as much as she should be. He lingered over her wand, knew whatever she thought to direct at him he deserved tenfold. And finally he looked up into her face,and those beautiful green eyes, oh how he would give anything to just look into those eyes for forever.

He quickly looked away before his resolve to tell her the absolute truth gave way to the desire to keep her here with him, talking with him, admiring him, through the trick of some pitiful lie. He looked towards the window, at the darkening sky - focus on anything but the woman in front of him, or the engulfing pit in his heart.

"I overheard a prophesy, part of a prophesy, and... I told Him," Severus knew he wouldn't need to explain who he meant by 'Him'. "I know how utterly stupid I was to think it would not be taken in any manner than how He took it, but... " he was amazed at how steady his voice was, no choking, no heasitation - well slightly halting, and full of more emotion than he ever let into his voice - but beyond that it was just a steady confession of what he had done. "When I did realize how He had interpreted it, what He planned to do, I was- I terrified, I knew I had done something far worse than I had ever done before. I begged Him to reconsider, to not do what he had planned... and when that obviously did not work I sought out the one person I knew had the power to do something. To keep you ... and you family safe... I switched sides."

There he had said it, it was done, it was out in the open, and he was surprisingly calm about it. He forced himself to turn back to her, to focus on her eyes, to face whatever she would say or do to him.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-04 08:26 pm UTC (link)
Lily could feel her throat tighten as Severus began to explain. For a moment, she was certain that she was going to throw up. She couldn't believe it. She just could not believe it. She had thought that Severus turning to the Dark Arts had been a betrayal, but that was nothing like this. This was... this was just sick. True, Severus had tried to undo what he had done, but it hadn't been good enough for her in school, and she wasn't sure it would be good enough for her now.

She was silent for a long time. She had to remove her gaze from Severus as she thought, staring down at her hands instead. When she finally did speak again, her voice had gone deep and raspy with emotion.

"It was you?"

She turned her eyes to him again. They were now glassy and brimming with tears and her lips were turned downward in a frown. "You were the one that told him? That steered him toward trying to kill an innocent baby?" She shook her head in a mixture of disbelief and disgust. "It's not me that I care about, Severus. I knew I'd die eventually. But my baby?" She had heard him say that he hadn't meant to, that he'd tried to undo it, but it was too upsetting to hear that it had been him that started the whole mess that she couldn't even think straight.

And then Lily did something quite possibly worse than casting every curse and hex she knew at Severus. She began to cry.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-05 12:18 am UTC (link)
Severus looked down quickly not being able to stomach her disappointment in him. He understood just how much he had hurt her, and he hated himself for it - it really did seem to be the fashionable thing to do.

"Yes," he acknowledged quietly. It was the only thing he could say - no bit of explaining would change the fundamentals of what he had done. Sure, he had not understood the prophesy, nor to whom it referred. And sure he'd not meant for any of what had transpired to happen and had tried to fix things. Even with all that combined the truth remained, and there was nothing left to say on the subject.

And there was nothing left he could do. Lily was crying, it was his fault, and there was no remedy he could try. Severus was not so socially inept to know Lily wanted no comfort from him, and for him to try to offer that would be one of the worse things he could do. But seeing Lily like this wrenched at his heart and it was agony knowing there was nothing he could do for her. This was an apt punishment.

"I-," Severus was convinced his next words would get him hexed, but he pushed forward anyway, "I am sorry. I do not say seeking any kind of forgiveness from you, I would not presume to even think I would deserve a modicum of absolution in that regards, I simply want you to know I fully understand what I did was an egregious mistake, I know I was wrong."

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-05 12:46 am UTC (link)
Tears ran freely down Lily's face, but that was the only sign that she was actually crying. She kept almost perfectly silent throughout, with the exception of the occasional sniffle or hiccup. She really did think she was going to throw up now. Severus had just affirmed the one thing she did not want to believe about him. And it positively broke her heart. But more than that, it made her more angry than she had ever been in her life.

In a flash, Lily was on her feet, wand in her strong hand, weak hand extended behind her in a classic pose meant for dueling. The tip of her wand was aimed right between Severus' eyes. "Get up," she whispered, eyes flashing furiously. She was too far gone in her anger to realize that he had apologized as best he knew how to her. It didn't matter right now.

As she had already stated, it wasn't herself that she was angry for. It was Harry. She was devastated for James, she imagined she might always be that way, but James had fought to the end. Harry couldn't defend himself. He was innocent and helpless. And Voldemort had come to murder him in his crib.

"Get. Up," she urged again, not really giving him an opportunity to answer or do as she demanded. "If you wanted me gone so badly, then here's your chance. Finish what you started, Severus."

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-05 01:21 am UTC (link)
Calmly Severus watched Lily get to her feet, drawing her wand to bare on him. He knew that this was how this would end, he knew when Lily had first asked to see him, when he wait for her to show up, and all the while he was explaining things - she had shut him out of her life over a misspoken word, Severus supposed setting in motion the events that led up the darkest wizard of all time hunter her and her son down required a bit more than simply not forgiving him.

Slowly he stood up, but he made no move to pull out his wand. Instead he moving his hands up, palms forward like he did the other night when they had met outside the library.

He was able to meet her eyes now, he could always handle anger more than crying. He didn't say anything, Lily was beyond angry, he knew the danger of trying to defy her when she was like this; but, as it was, he would comply with her request to stand, but nothing else. He never wanted to hurt her, never - her accusation cut deep. He was surprised to feel his eyes starting to sting, and he blinked a few times trying to compose himself.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-05 01:41 am UTC (link)
Lily waited none too patiently for Severus to draw his wand. Her eyes narrowed as the moments ticked by and his hand never strayed near it. The final nail in the coffin was when he simply raised his hands instead of attempting to defend himself. She kept her wand leveled at his forehead, brandishing it in an attempt to scare him into drawing his own.

Damn her sense of honor. Of the rules of dueling. No matter how angry she was, Lily couldn't bring herself to attack an unarmed opponent who hadn't so much as threatened her. Granted, he was the man that had torn her family apart, but she still couldn't do it. She knew Severus was a very talented wizard, but she was confident in her own abilities to defeat him in a fair fight. If he would only draw his wand.

"No!" she yelled, shaking her head. "No, draw your wand! Fight me! Fight me, Severus!"

Her emotions were threatening to overtake her again and she tried desperately to maintain what composure she had left. She needed to do this. Why did he have to continue to make it so bloody hard?

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-05 02:31 am UTC (link)
Severus watched the end of Lily's wand, the way it waved through the air. He knew he should feel threatened, he in no way underestimated Lily's skill as a witch, but he knew she wouldn't ... kill him ... at least. Severus also had a very real understanding of what it took to strike someone down, and while Lily was angry, it was a flimsy conviction that couldn't sustain much that would harm him for more than a few moments. He'd also experienced what it was like to be struck down, by the Dark Lord no less, and after that... a wand wielded by someone else did not carry quite the same quality of fear. Whatever Lily did to him wouldn't be any where close to what he'd already experienced.

He focused back on Lily as she yelled at him, but made no other move.

Severus refused to draw his wand on her. He would give her no other reason to hurt him than the damning confession he'd already made. But, in a way he was almost wished she would just do it - a certain level of self-loathing playing into that insane desire - since realizing how much delivering the prophecy to the Dark Lord he always felt he deserved something akin to this scenario.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-05 02:50 am UTC (link)
Lily's jaw was clenched and her fist was curled so tightly around her wand that her arm began to shake. Why wouldn't he just fight her? It was quite possibly the most frustrating thing she had ever experienced. She wanted nothing more than to throw a barrage of hexes and curses at him, but he wouldn't draw his bloody wand! Was he too much of a coward to face her? Did he think she wouldn't do it? Wouldn't curse him into oblivion? Maybe that was it. Maybe it was a test of her will.

"Damn you, Severus," she hissed, though her voice was beginning to shake with emotion. Her hand began to shake more and she was finally reaching her breaking point.

"Cru..." she began at the top of her voice, but she couldn't quite finish the word. "Cruc..." The tears were filling up her eyes again and the Unforgivable Curse died on her lips. She just couldn't do it, no matter how angry she was. Even Severus didn't deserve that.

Finally giving in, Lily collapsed to her knees in front of Severus, dropping her wand in front of her on the floor, sobbing inconsolably. She felt ashamed that she had threatened him so, and even more ashamed that she hadn't been able to go through with it. She needed so desperately to hate someone, but it was a hard thing for her to do, no matter how much she wanted to.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-05 03:22 am UTC (link)
Severus blinked each time Lily attempted to place the Unforgivable on him - on him, who used to be her best friend. In that moment alone, though she had failed to complete the curse, he realized how little he meant to her anymore. He'd always harbored some hope there could be some kind of reconciliation between them ... now, he knew that would never be. The stinging returned to his eyes, no matter the blinking.

Severus closed the space between them and crouched down so they were level. He placed a hand on her shoulder. Another time he would taken in the feel of being this close to Lily, but he had to shove those desires away, so far away they wouldn't surface again. She needed to leave, being here with him could only be detrimental to her well being.

"You should go," he picked up her wand and held it out to her. "You will feel better when you get back to your place."

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-05 03:37 am UTC (link)
Lily quickly shook her head in a move that almost made her look like a stubborn child, followed by a half-hearted slap at the had Severus had placed on her shoulder. She wiped the back of her hand across her cheeks, though the sobs still managed to make her shoulders shake, her breath coming in quick, quiet gasps.

He was still being nice to her. After what he'd just said and after what she'd tried to do, he was still being nice to her, in his own way. Lily wished she still had the energy to be frustrated with the situation. She didn't want him to be nice. She wanted him to be angry, to fight back, to have some kind of black and white emotion about the situation instead of this zen-like thing he seemed to be doing now.

"I'm sorry," she whispered at a barely audible level. She said it to Severus, but she felt as if she also said it to James and to Harry. She wasn't a vengeful person, never had been and hopefully never would be, but she still felt as if she'd let her family down by not getting some kind of revenge. Still, Severus was her friend once, and he'd tried to correct his mistake. She still just wasn't sure if it was too little too late.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-05 04:04 am UTC (link)
Severus's pulled back his hand from her shoulder, recoiling from what he interpreted as her rejecting even this small attempt to make this situation - this ruin of a conversation - right.

He had been thinking only of the physical pain Lily could have, wanted to, inflict on him, and had failed to take in the emotional toll this whole thing would have on him. And now it was taking all he had to keep composure and his emotions in check. He had not cried since he couldn't remember, and he wasn't about to do it in front of someone who no longer harbored any kind kind thought towards him.

He took her hand in his now free hand and put her wand in it.

"I said this was a horrible idea, for once, listen to me. Go," his voice was starting to lose it, "please."

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-05 04:21 am UTC (link)
Lily silently slipped her wand back into her pocket. She didn't even want to look at it right now. She released a heavy sigh, finally calming down and slipping into a kind of numbness. Severus didn't even want her here anymore. She interpreted it more as him being as disgusted with her as she had been with him only moments before rather than him just needing space.

"Fine," she answered calmly, standing up slowly and never meeting Severus' eyes as she did so. "If you really want me to go, then I'll go." She tried to offer him a small smile, but it didn't really work.

Lily took a few tentative steps back toward the door she had entered from in what seemed like years ago, but was really only a few minutes. Then, taking her left elbow in her right hand, biting her lower lip, she turned back to Severus. "I know you won't believe me, but I am sorry. For what I almost did." It made her sick that she had almost used an Unforgivable Curse. There really wasn't much she could do to take that back or make amends. Though it wasn't clear to her anymore who had ruined this little visit: Severus, herself, or some combination of the two.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-05 04:48 am UTC (link)
Severus rose with Lily, the physical movement giving him something to focus on and take his mind away from everything. He wanted to turn and retreat away from it all, but his feet remain steadfast, he would wait for Lily to leave. In his estimation this was his last chance to see her this close. He might pass her in the hall if he got lucky, as if they were back in Hogwarts, but never this close again.

The apology took him by surprise, not that she would say it, but more that she thought that of him. "What makes you think that? Of course I believe you."

He wasn't mad over the way this turned out, hurt maybe, lost maybe, but not mad. It took a lot for him to get mad at Lily, and he could never stay upset at her for long.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-05 05:09 am UTC (link)
Lily paused, momentarily stunned. Then she released a small, single bark of laughter in disbelief. "After all that," she began quietly, "You still believe me?" She almost smiled again then. This was just getting more confusing by the second. "Bloody hell, Severus, why?"

It would be a long time before she forgot what all had happened during her first visit to Severus' flat. Possibly a long time before she was able to forgive, forget, or move on. But she was still loathe to leave, at least on such terrible terms. She felt like there was still more she and Severus needed to discuss, if they could only both calm down enough to do it. She wasn't going to hold her breath and wait for that to happen, but maybe they'd get the chance eventually if not now.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-05 01:22 pm UTC (link)
"Because you are Lily, I could never stay angry with you, because I lov-" he had not meant to say that last part, his eyes grew wide with the realization of what he had said, "-ve you." Oh god, why did he say that last part?

His inconsistency was maddening, even to himself, especially to himself. He didn't want to talk about all this face to face, but then he caved when Lily pressed the issue. Any other person and he would have stood firm and refused to see them.

And then, a part of him had wanted Lily to hurt him, curse him. He had wanted to feel that redeeming sense of accepting whatever Lily wished to do to him; but when she tried to hurt him it was more emotionally devastating than he had anticipated.

Now, he wanted her to leave, but also wanted her to stay. Maybe that was why he said that just now. He had planned to never tell her what he really felt about her, and here he was...

He blamed it on this moment of great emotional instability.

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, she needed to go or he was bound to do something even more unimaginably stupid. They should not have had this conversation in person.

"... and because, if you love someone you forgive them," he crossed his arms and looked down, not wanting to see the reaction on Lily's face - he knew how ever she took that would not bode well for him. "You told me that, back when we used to be friends."

Maybe she would just take his spoken blunder to mean the love of just friends...

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-05 02:22 pm UTC (link)
Lily's green eyes went wide and it suddenly seemed to take her a long time to blink. Or breathe. She wondered just what Severus had meant when he said that he loved her. He couldn't have meant... Could he?

When he continued on, reminding her of the times when they used to be friends, she felt another tear slip down from the corner of her eye and make its way down her cheek. That must have been what he meant. What else could he have possibly meant? Right? And it hurt her to hear about how they used to be friends and weren't anymore.

She had always wanted to be able to be friends with Severus again, it just wasn't safe. At least, it wasn't safe before. Maybe now. Maybe now that he had apparently seen the light, as it were, and had changed sides. But it was just so much to process right now.

"Yes, I did," she replied softly, a small sad smile coming to her face. She closed the distance between herself and Severus carefully, stopping a few inches in front of him. He still wasn't looking at her. She took it to mean he was still as upset about what had transpired as she was.

She reached a hand out under his chin and tried to gently raise his face and get him to look at her. "I'd like for us to be friends again someday, Severus. It's just a lot to process right now. I think maybe we both need some time." With that, she removed her hand and took a step back, giving Severus his personal space back.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-05 04:51 pm UTC (link)
Severus could sense Lily approaching him, but he kept his head down, anticipating a negative response to that whole 'love' slip-up. And then she was raising her hand, to which he braced himself. This whole experience only solidified his opinion that these types of conversations should be done, if not over the PDAs, but through writing so that he could think about what he wanted to say, and craft a response that wasn't bereft with slip-ups and misunderstandings, and if there were misunderstandings they would be far enough apart that things didn't get physical.

But the slap he was sure Lily was aiming at him never came, instead he felt her hand placed gently on his chin, and though it took a second for him to process and then respond he lifted his head to look at her.

And she was saying words he thought he would never hear again - she wanted to be friends again, albeit at some indefinite point in the future, but it wasn't a definite 'I'm through, stay away from me'. She had not been offended at his feelings, but had accepted them, was open to them. Clearly, perhaps blessedly, she had interpreted his feelings to be that of just friends, but he would take anything - though, he was well aware he was thoroughly screwed when, if, she read those books... maybe he could convince her to never read them... But that was beside the point at this moment, Lily was willing to be his friend again. He blink furiously, but it was futile this time, and he couldn't help the tears welling at the corner of his eye.

"Really?" his voice croaked, eyes disbelieving, searching her face for any sign of deception.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-05 06:23 pm UTC (link)
Lily managed to laugh again. The situation wasn't really funny, but she was so relieved to have so much ugliness out of the way that it seemed like the only reaction her body would make. She wasn't drawing her wand and throwing hexes at Severus, and he wasn't shouting or throwing her out of his room. It seemed like a small victory, even if things might still be tense with them for awhile while she thought about everything she had learned.

"Yes, really," she answered with a smile. She raised her hand again to gently brush his cheek. She couldn't believe how emotional he seemed to be getting. The only strong emotion she could clearly remember seeing Severus express was rage, generally aimed toward James and Sirius. But he'd always seemed so much less tense with her while they were in school. Maybe she could find that part of him again someday.

"I just... I just need some time. To think. I mean, I don't know which way is up and which way is down anymore." She paused and shrugged. He could probably have guessed how she was feeling, but she felt the need to explain anyway. "I mean, everything with you, with Harry... It's hard. And James..." She shook her head, still not really ready to talk about James.

"But I'd like to find out more about what happened, Severus, sometime. I know you said you changed your mind. I know everyone makes mistakes. I just need a little time. Is that alright?" she asked hopefully. She wanted this to work, she just knew it would take a lot of effort on both their parts.

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-05 08:29 pm UTC (link)
Severus closed his eyes to that touch, and sighed, almost wearily - not that he wanted her gone, but to hear her even just open the possibility of something between them was a bit much. She had also brought up James. He knew what James meant to her, but that didn't mean he could stomach the mere mention of him any more because of it. He was grateful she did not elaborate. For just this moment it was them, no outside intruders taking it away, just them; and that, combined with the rest was very soothing. All too soon that hand was gone again, and Severus was left feeling very exhausted.

He opened his eyes to look at Lily again, assured that this time he looked at her would not be his last, he even gave a short, weak smile.

"Yes, that is alright, anything you need, I understand," his voice was composed once again, he was in control of his emotions.

While he was still of the opinion this would have gone so much better his way, this was a good ending... though he was sure he never wanted to do this again. He would figure out later how to keep Lily from asking too many questions about what happened - details could make people just as angry as the big facts.

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[info]willow_wand
2009-08-06 02:33 am UTC (link)
Her smile widened slightly when Severus managed one for her, albeit somewhat weak. She appreciated the effort that took from him. Maybe this would work out after all. She hoped so. She wanted it too. She just needed to understand better where Severus had been coming from, what had happened to change his mind. But that was definitely a conversation for a different time. Emotions were still running a bit high for that. Maybe she would give in and let him tell her through writing rather than face to face.

"Thank you, Severus." Her voice was low and soft again. She just needed to be able to think about the things she'd learned, mourn for James, and get to know her son. Once things were more stable, she looked forward to trying to work things out with the man that had been her best friend.

"I'll go now, get out of your hair." She wrinkled her nose in an impish smile. She took a couple steps toward the door before she stopped and turned toward Severus again. "But don't be a stranger, yeah?"

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[info]snark_master
2009-08-06 03:28 am UTC (link)
Severus nodded, he knew Lily needed to go, and this really was an appropriate spot to leave things. Neither was yelling or pointing their wands at the other; and both were sufficiently, numbly confused, though not detrimentally so. Lily might be leaving but Severus was decidedly more relaxed, he felt okay with that.

He gave a wider smile this time when Lily turned back to him.

"I live two doors down," he held up one hand, fingers held about an inch apart, "rather close, kind of difficult to be ... a stranger." The quip might have something to do with this small confirmation they would see each other again, and that was a happy, bolstering thought.

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