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clint barton sees better from a distance (tobeunmade) wrote in colligo_threads,

Clint knew on a logical level that everything Canton was saying made sense. And he wanted to believe it. He wanted that more than anything. He was tired of feeling so utterly broken down and hopeless. But it was hard. It felt as though he'd reached this point where so many things had hit him and he was past his ability to fight it all. He'd tried so hard for so long to keep everything together, and he just couldn't keep it up any more. It helped that Canton acknowledged his damage without demeaning it or pretending it was anything other than it was. He wasn't stupid. This wasn't something easily fixed. Most days, trying to repair the damage of the past months felt like putting a bandaid over a shotgun blast. But Canton was here, trying, and he wasn't giving up on him. No matter how hard Clint tried to make him walk away, the other man stayed. And that helped. Not a lot, but it helped.

With anyone else he would have fought. He didn't particularly want to be touched, and he certainly didn't want someone else initiating it without warning, but with Canton there was only a brief struggle before he went limp against the other man and just let himself be held. He didn't want to fight. He was tired of fighting. It felt like all he'd done lately was fight, and he was through with it. So he just let himself be. Let Canton try to comfort him.

"What if I can't?" he asked softly after a long moment, a hesitance to the words. "What if..." He trailed off with a heavy sigh, closing his eyes. He was so tired. "What if...I'm not strong enough to do that? I know you think I'm strong...but I'm not. I'm really not." If he was strong, he would have stood up to his father. To Swordsman and Trickshot. If he was strong, he'd never have lost himself to Loki or Meg. Barney and Phil and so many other people wouldn't have died. Clint was many things, but he'd never seen himself as especially strong. "I...I'm trying here. I know it doesn't look like it, but I am. If it weren't for you guys...if it weren't for you...I would have thrown myself off a building months ago. I know I would have. I would have found a way to kill myself in that warehouse...or just laid there and let myself die." He took a deep breath, closing his eyes against a sharp wave of emotion. "You...it does a lot of good. It does. I just...I'm not sure it'll ever be enough. I want it too. But I can't help feeling this way. I don't want to...god knows you deserve better...but it's just how I feel." He sighed. "But I'm glad you're here. I don't know what I'd do without you."

When Tripod forced her way between them, Clint let out watery laugh and reached down to pet the kitten with shaking hands. "I'm sorry, sweetheart," he said softly, not sure if he was talking to the cat or the man next to him. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. You know I didn't. I'll never get sick of you." Tripod purred contentedly, and Clint shook as he let go of the tension that held him still and collapsed further into Canton's hold.