InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I LOVE THE JUSTIN."

fulltiltdiva (fulltiltdiva) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2012-08-09 01:10:00

Entry tags:

claire winchester, dean winchester, loki laufeyson

WHO: Loki Laufeyson & The Winchesters
WHAT: Loki has fallen victim to the fear toxin, and it takes trusted hands to pull him out of his delusions
WHERE: Colligo Streets → The Winchesters'
WHEN: Not long after this
RATING: PG
STATUS: In Progress

Loki didn't remember how he'd lost the specters that had been following him. First his true form had shown, and then he'd been taunted with images of his brother when he was younger, bloodthirsty, willing and ready to slaughter every monster that he crossed. By the time he'd finally escaped that image, he'd been plagued by the others, followed by the whispers that he'd heard at court -- 'Thor is such a model prince. It is disappointing that his brother does not show the same promise.' 'So crafty, so vile, you cannot trust the second prince with anything.' 'It is a wonder that such a spawn was birthed by the All-Mother.' -- never spoken directly, but Loki had his ways. He had always had his ways of finding out what people truly thought, what they spoke only to themselves and those that they held closest.

Third is had been the whispers, but fourth, fourth, he had been confronted by specters worse than those that he had fled. His father, drawn and disappointed, the shame and disappointment shining in his eyes as it had the day that he'd fallen from the Bifrost. His mother, confused and concerned, looking at him with a pleading gaze as Thor spoke all the things that he wished not to admit, all of the lies and atrocities he'd committed in an attempt to prove himself worth it.

Both specters had asked him the same thing, the same simple aching question that had settled in his heart and that he feared hearing either of them ask. Why? Why had he done it? Why had he set himself up at their enemy, set rolling the ball on things that could have destroyed them, that could have destroyed everything? Why did he continue to deny them even as they tried to accept him back into their hearts, to make him see that they had never rejected him in the first place, a matter which he could see yet refused to accept or understand? Why? Why?

"Because I'm a monster," had been the only answer that he'd had to offer as he huddled in the corner that the pair had backed him into, sinking down into a crouched position, pulling his hands up over his head, blue arms masking a blue face, one extension of the identity he loathed trying to box out the identity that he could no longer face. "Because I'm a monster, and I don't deserve it. I don't... I don't deserve any of it." He gasped out against his arms, eyes closed tight she that he didn't have to look, didn't have to see, his parents, his skin, any of it.

And he couldn't help but wish that he could close his ears as the one thing that he dreaded the most hit them, the soft echoing whispers that ripped his heart to pieces and chilled him to the very core.

We forgive you.

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righteousman
2012-08-09 07:11 am UTC (link)

Emma was watching the kids, while Dean and Claire made their way around the city trying to help people where they could. Dean just wasn't the kind of guy to sit back and not help out with a problem, even when said problem could affect him as easily as anyone else. The gas mask was a concession to Claire, and a nod to the fact that he couldn't just risk his life blindly any more, but if she hadn't been with him he probably would have given it up to the first person who needed it and just dealt with the terror. He'd managed to fight past fear well enough before, you know...if being overwhelmed by terror and nearly dying was managing well enough. But really, he'd almost died all the time back home. It had become less of a special occasion thing and more of a 'days ending in Y' thing. Anyway, the point was that he was stronger now and he knew what he was getting into. If he absolutely had to, he could probably do without the mask. Right up until his wife killed him for being a dumbass.

They were checking out one of the neighborhoods that seemed like the sort of place where folks could get really overwhelmed, when he heard a familiar voice. He hadn't really expected to run into anyone they knew, anticipating having to help more locals than not. But that was definitely a familiar voice and he felt a spike of unease. Yeah, he recognized that one, and he really didn't like the idea of him being affected. Going toward the source of the sound and trusting Claire to follow him, he stopped dead at the sight of Loki, feeling an odd tug in his chest. God, he really didn't want to have to deal with this. "Fuck me," he muttered to himself before crouching down next to him. What the hell was he even doing out in this mess?

"Hey," he said in the same gentle tone he used when one of the kids had a bad dream or hurt themselves playing and needed the comfort. He debated the merits of trying to comfort the guy while wearing a fucking gasmask before deciding to just go with it. Worst case he'd take the thing off and risk his wife's wrath. This was more important than that.. "You're not a monster, Loki. You aren't. I should know. I have a lot of experience with that kind of stuff, and you're definitely not a monster, okay? So just trust me on that. You're no more a monster than I am." Okay, bad choice, because sometimes he kind of felt like he was on the verge of being one with all the shit he'd done and been through. "Or Claire. You're no more of a monster than Claire. And she's the least monstery person I know."

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goallbuffyonus
2012-08-09 03:29 pm UTC (link)

Claire loved her husband. He was the man who had helped make her the woman she'd become, the one who stood by her when she was at her absolute worst, and who supported her even when her plans were completely ridiculous. He was the father of her kids and the light of her life, and she would die, or kill, for him without a second thought.

But sometimes, just sometimes, she felt an almost overwhelming urge to "pull a Meri" and punch him in the throat.

Like now, for example. Not because he was out there with her in the toxic fog. Not because she knew it was only a matter of time before he took off the gasmask in order to help someone who he felt needed it more. No, those were reasons that she loved him, even if the last one wasn't something she was overly pleased about. But when they came across Loki, and Dean had to correct his statement about not being a monster by pointing out she wasn't a monster? She really wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he stopped beating himself up for the choices he'd made in his life when his back had been to the wall and none of the options had been good ones.

Of course, now wasn't really the time to do such a thing. In fact, she was pretty sure if she randomly grabbed Dean and started to shake him, Loki would probably be pretty convinced that they weren't really them. After all, he'd never really seen them argue and she didn't think his first real exposure to that needed to be when he was hopped up on fear toxin. So instead, Claire simply focused on the task at hand - namely, convincing the currently very human Asgardian that he was amongst friends and that he most definitely was not a monster.

Going to the other side of the fallen man, Claire crouched down beside him and offered him a soft smile. Much like with Dean's tone, her own became the same gently spoken one she used with their children more often than not. "Dean's right, Loki. You definitely aren't a monster. You've just been drugged, that's all. It's making you think, and see, things that aren't there." She didn't reach for him, didn't want to risk freaking him out even more by touching him when he wasn't necessarily aware of her presence. Instead, she raised her gaze to look at Dean, green eyes shining with a heady mixture of pain and anger at what someone they had both started to consider family was going through.

"He needs fresh air," she finally said, punctuating the comment with a heavy sigh because they had already exhausted their spare gas mask supply and the only one they now had on them was the one her husband wore.

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fulltiltdiva
2012-08-09 11:40 pm UTC (link)

The voices were familiar, but his mind was having trouble placing them. But whoever they were, they weren't his parents. They weren't the ghosts that had been chasing him. And as he pulled his hands away from his face, Loki blinked against the fog in front of his eyes that was trying to obscure the two people sitting on either side of him. His mind was making them into people he didn't expect they could be: Brunnhilde and Balder, the valkyrie and the most beautiful of the gods. But there were no reasons that they would try to comfort his anxieties. Balder, perhaps, would endeavor to aid him, but Brunnhilde would have no reason to try and ease his worries. She would have looked upon his frost giant physique and slayed him without hesitation.

Dean and Claire. Those were the names with which they were addressing each other, however, and those were spinning something in the back of his mind, something that was struggling to come through to the top of his mind as though it was important, more important than the horror that was bundled up in the center if his chest so tight that it felt like it was going to burst.

"But I am," Loki gasped out, not feeling quite right protesting against reassurances coming from those who didn't need to bother with him. "Look at me. Just look," He sobbed, holding out his arms towards them. The markings were clear in his mind's eyes, the deep ice blue of his skin, the grooves etched into the mottled flesh, the designs that likely meant something to the Jotun, but were nothing to Loki but a reminder of how he wasn't who and what he had thought himself to be so such a long time. "How am I not a monster when it's all I can see?"

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righteousman
2012-08-10 04:22 am UTC (link)

"No, you're not," Dean said firmly. He got it. He did. There were still days when he didn't think he could deal with all the things he'd done, or remembered doing, over the years. Both his time in Hell and what he'd done to get off the rack, and the memories he'd been given since coming to Colligo that he couldn't imagine actually doing. Failing Lisa and Ben so badly. Killing Amy. Abandoning Adam in Hell. Letting Emma die. Not being able to help Cas. All of it weighed on him. Even his other self left him feeling like a failure. He may have helped prevent that future but there was nothing saying he wouldn't someday become that broken man who couldn't see any good and who threw away people like they were nothing. So, yes. He understood completely. He'd seen himself as a monster plenty of times. But that didn't mean he would sit by and let Loki do the same.

"Listen to me, Loki," he said. "You are not a monster. I'm looking right at you and I don't see anything that remotely points to that. Maybe you don't believe that, but trust me, because I do. You've made some mistakes, but everyone does that. Everyone. Nothing you've done is unforgivable, and nothing about who you are makes you a monster. You may see a monster, but I...all I see is family." It wasn't something Dean said lightly, but somewhere in the past few weeks, Loki had become like family to them. He knew Claire and the kids felt that way too.

Looking at his wife, he gave her as much of a reassuring smile as he could with half his face covered. "I think you're right," he said, knowing how hard this had to be for her. Reaching over, he squeezed her hand gently, then reached up to undo the mask. Worst case, Claire would be dealing with two people freaking out, but he knew what he was getting into and that was half the battle. He'd fought through this kind of paranoia before, he hoped he could do it again. Besides, there was every chance they'd get home before he was exposed to too much of the gas. Taking off the mask, he reached over to carefully put it on Loki. Just doing that made him feel a little better, and he gave Claire another small smile, this time one she could see, before getting to his feet and reaching to help Loki up. "We should get back," he said finally. He didn't want to linger and possibly become a threat to his wife and Loki.

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goallbuffyonus
2012-08-10 04:35 am UTC (link)

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Claire began keeping a mental track of the time the instant Dean removed his mask and gave it to Loki. Based on what she'd seen thus far on the streets, coupled with the amount of gas that hung in the air around them, she figured they had maybe three minutes, tops, to get out of the area and on the move before Dean had inhaled too much of the stuff to be able to really fight it for long. After that, she was guessing they had possibly ten minutes, at most, to get back to the house before much the same happened.

She knew her figures might be off a bit, partially because she was definitely guesstimating and partially because she was hardly a scientist so her best guesses were probably pretty flawed to start with, but having even a tentative figure in mind helped stifle the urge to grab Loki and haul him to his feet so they could go now. Instead, she simply gave Dean as much of a reassuring smile as she could muster before she turned her attention back to the Asgardian turned human.

"Dean's right, Loki," she assured him. "You're family. No matter what you've done, or what you look like, you're family. That's what's important." Pausing, hoping he was going to listen but not willing to necessarily believe it immediately, she tacked on a pointed, "You wouldn't want Jack to risk coming out here to get you himself, would you? Because you know him. He'll do it. Meri, too."

Was bringing up her kids, using them as a means to motivate the guy, a good idea? Claire wasn't entirely sure. However she was grasping at straws, hoping that one of them would do the trick, and figured that if anything stood a chance of getting through to him, maybe it would be the first two people in the city who had believed in him when no one else had. Even if they were both pint-sized and prone to seeing the best in everyone around them, no matter what the situation.

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fulltiltdiva
2012-08-10 04:58 am UTC (link)

Family. He was family. The idea was one that his mind kept trying to revolt at, kept trying to telling him that he didn't have family, didn't deserve family, but as the mask was placed on his face, an action that he hadn't even realized was happening until after it had already been done, a few deep breaths later started to calm some of the worst feelings running through him. He'd done things. He'd done plenty of things to categorize himself a monster. He was what he had been told was brutish and savage race his entire life, and yet, here he sat with people who were willing to take time to try and make him feel as though everything that he felt towards himself, ever fear and negative emotion that he held was truly not as intense as it was at the moment.

Shifting his gaze between Brunnhilde and Balder (Claire and Dean), Loki hung his head quietly and closed his eyes against the world that was swimming in front of him, two realities vying for dominance over each other, "I've failed them," Loki said softly, his fists clenching and unclenching for a moment before he reached out, gently grasping onto Dean's arm. "My family. I let them down, and no matter how I try, all I keep proving is how I'm not worthy of them," He said, swallowing hard and opening his eyes back up at he looked at the two of them.

There were small remnants of what he had seen before swimming in front of him, bits of the Asgardian garb still trying to inject themselves into view, but he could see now who they truly were. Not Brunnhilde and Balder, two people who had little reason to put themselves out there for him, but Claire and Dean, two of the people that he felt he could truly rely on in this place, two of the people he admired for their strength. Two people who had just claimed him as family, and, knowing them, were not going tolerate any protests against that claim.

And then Claire suggested that Jack might come looking for him, that Meri would join him, and even as his mind as easing off of the fear that had grasped it, another one, not provoked by toxin, overlaid it, and Loki was struggling to his feet in a second. "They can't. They can't. I don't want... I don't want them seeing... All of this. Any of this," He said, his voice quivering at the thought of either of the twins out in this mess. "Even... Even if it means they have to see me like this."

Because even as some of the terrors were receding, he was still blue. Always blue.

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