InsaneJournal

WHO: Erik Lehnsherr & Charles Xavier
WHAT: Erik and Charles finally talk. Things actually get resolved. Amazingly.
WHEN: April 16th; Evening
WHERE: The X-Mansion
RATING: PG-13
STATUS: Log; COMPLETE

Erik couldn’t say how thankful he was to be back in his own body with his own abilities. He’d returned to the manor the second that things had become obvious, but there had been a distinct level of discomfort that had been added to things because of the difference in how he looked. Not only for himself but for everyone else as well. The only benefit to being switched with who he was had been that he hadn’t had to deal with any extra oddities even if there had been the drawback of this event placing his abilities into unstable hands. But now that things were all back the way they had been, Erik had hopes that he could cure up what remained of the awkwardness between him and Charles. It had been difficult, avoiding the issue that had been raised by Irene, but Charles had made it pretty clear that there was nothing to talk about. Even as Erik doubted it, he knew that pressing it would have sent Charles further into himself, and even as there were issues lingering between the two of them by avoiding something which really needed to be discussed, it had allowed them to resume some resemblance of the relationship they had had before. There were limits, though, to a relationship built on trust with an obvious secret hanging in the air between them, and glancing across the chessboard at his best friend, Erik knew that the longer he left it the harder it would get to talk about it. It was strange to look at Erik and know it was him; it shouldn’t have been, but it was and Charles hated that it was. He had become used to the unsettling feeling that came with someone else being inside Erik’s body, to being uncomfortable when he was around the other man. The feeling was twofold, both because it hurt to look at him and feel how disconnected mind and body were and because of how violent and damaged the man who had swapped bodies with Erik was. They were alike in many ways, but not in the ones that mattered. Even being around Erik in the other man’s form wasn’t right. He had missed Erik, his Erik, the combination of mind and body that made his friend. And now Erik was back to himself and Charles still didn’t feel right. He knew part of it was the fact that Annie had been sent home, again, but that wasn’t all. It came down to the fact that, for all the past couple weeks had been somewhat awful, the body swapping mess had given him an opportunity to avoid discussing things with Erik that were best left buried. He wished he could say it shocked him that Irene had, presumably, broken his confidence and told Erik of his feelings, but it didn’t. Not really. Irene pushed and pushed and did what she thought was necessary in spite of objections and opposition. It was one of the things he loved about her, but right now he rather hated it. Staring at Erik across the chessboard, Charles knew he couldn’t avoid the subject forever. It hung between them, a tangible presence that grew to fill the space no matter how they - or he really - tried not to acknowledge it. He was quiet, quieter than he would normally be, his attention divided between the chessboard and the glass of scotch in his hand as he planned his next move both on and off the board. Still, the distraction could hardly last and, after a few more moves, he sighed. “Your mind isn’t in the game, my friend,” he said gently, “and, truth be told, neither is mine.” He worried that Erik would see this as a chance to talk about things, so he did his best to block that course. “I know it’s early yet,” he said after a moment’s hesitation, “but I’m rather tired. I think I’ll go on to bed. Do try to get some sleep at some point and don’t stay up too late.” He did his best not to look at Erik as he got to his feet and told himself he wasn’t running away. Really, he wasn’t. He just couldn’t deal with this now. Erik had felt a bit of encouragement when Charles willingly said that neither of them were concentrating on the game, but when, instead of leading that statement into a discussion of what was troubling both of them, Charles used it as an excuse to try and say that he was heading to bed, Erik exhaled heavily. Raven was right, it seemed. He was going to have to be both direct and blunt about this if they were going to resolve anything, and as Erik watched Charles stand and move to abandon their game, Erik stood as well, moving and stepping in front of the man he considered his best friend to block his retreat. “We both know that this isn’t about either of us being tired, Charles,” Erik said, looking down at the telepath as he moved a hand to settle firmly on Charles’s shoulder to make sure that he couldn’t leave. While Erik knew that Charles could easily get him to lay his hands off if he really wanted to, Erik had faith that he wouldn’t. They needed to discuss this, or it would destroy them. But since Charles didn’t seem very big on words lately, Erik took a slow, deep breath and moved his hand off of Charles’s shoulder, resting his fingers lightly against his best friend’s cheek as he peered down at him. “Just tell me, Charles. I want to hear it from you.” Charles felt trapped like a rabbit in a snare, his breath caught in his throat and his heart pounding in his chest as he stared up at Erik with a wide-eyed, panicked expression. He’d never expected his friend to force the issue, though he probably should have given the way the other man had pursued everything in his life with a single-minded focus, and now that he was faced with the realisation that Erik wasn’t going to let this go he didn’t know what to do. He honestly wanted nothing more than to pull away, to run from the situation, but he was past the point where that was an option. Though he could have pushed Erik, forced him to back off, that wasn’t an action he was willing to take. As uncomfortable and scared as this situation made him, he cared about the other man - more than he should have if he was honest - and he couldn’t betray his trust like that. He knew he wasn’t being rational about any of this, that he hadn’t been from the start, but the idea of actually telling Erik how he felt was terrifying. He didn’t want to risk his friendship with Erik, one that meant more to him than any other, for the sake of his feelings when there was no guarantee that a relationship between the two of them would ever work. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing Erik, of losing someone who felt so much like the other half of his soul, because of something he couldn’t control. Or because Erik got sent home. Annie’s departure had him thinking about it more, and he didn’t know what he would do if Erik was sent home and came back with no memory of this place, or didn’t come back at all. But those weren’t the only problems. His experiences with his own sexuality had never been the most pleasant - he remembered all too clearly the time Kurt had walked in on him and one of his friends from university, and the subsequent hospital stay after an unfortunate fall down the stairs - and he had mostly learned to sublimate those desires and focus his attentions on women. It left him scared to even consider pursuing anything with a man. But, more than anything else, he was struck by the sheer depth of his feelings for Erik. Though Raven often teased him about how he had flirted his way through Oxford, it had never been anything serious. He’d never allowed it to be. His romances had never lasted long, almost never more than a night, and he had preferred it that way. Even Moira had been pushed away when she’d gotten too close. And what he felt for Erik was more than he’d ever felt for anyone. For Charles, the idea of caring so much about another person was terrifying. He’d seen his mother fall to pieces after his father died, watched as she pulled away from everything in her grief and slowly lost herself to her own pain, until she became a woman blind and ignorant to anything beyond the alcohol she’d drowned herself in. Charles had swore he’d never be like her, never give another person that much power over him, but with Erik he was scared of falling into that trap. As much as he wanted to express these feelings in some way that would make Erik understand, he couldn’t find the words. It was too much and the idea of saying it out loud was more than he could handle. It certainly didn’t help that Erik’s very presence was playing havoc on his mind, the touch of his hand like a brand scalding him. He knew his friend wouldn’t give up until he had given in and told him what he wanted to hear, but that was more than he could manage. So instead he fell back on instinct. Steeling himself, he opened his mind, taking the tangled mass of feelings, the affection and the terror and all the reasons he just couldn’t do this, and pushing them into Erik’s mind. It was a calculated risk, but he trusted his friend to sort through the mess he had given him and make sense of it. He just hoped he hadn’t completely ruined things between them in the process. Erik wasn’t prepared for that. He wasn’t prepared for the sudden assault on his senses that left him turning his hand down to brace himself against Charles’s shoulder, eyes turning downward as he breathed deeply and tried to sort out the feelings that were weaving their way through his mind, strangling his heart in his chest, and leaving him utterly speechless. There had been a certain distance between the situation and the understanding of what it meant when Irene had told him how Charles felt, that was why Erik had wanted to hear the words from Charles himself, but this told him so much more than words could have managed. While there had been a certain confusion and hesitation still left in Erik over the issue when he’d tried to get Charles to talk to him, as he managed to sort through the feelings pressed on him, they worked to strip away what had been holding him back. All of the fears and the petty misunderstandings that had stood in Erik’s way seemed pitiful when held up next to Charles’s fears and concerns, and the only thing left in Erik was an intense desire to reassure Charles that he hadn’t ruined anything. As Erik was able to sort out the last of what Charles had pushed into his mind, he lifted his eyes slowly from where they had been looking downward, catching Charles’s gaze with his own before doing the only thing that his emotional addled mind could command his speechless lips to do at the moment, and pressed them firmly against Charles’s. It felt like hours, though Charles knew it had only been moments, before Erik reacted. The stillness with which he held himself in those boundless moments, the way he seemed to almost collapse under the weight of everything he’d forced on him, caused Charles’s heart to clench in his chest. This had been a terrible idea, the worst sort of foolishness, and now he had irreparably damaged the most meaningful friendship he’d ever found. He felt sick to his stomach at the thought, and if he hadn’t been certain Erik would fall over he would have fled the room and never returned. Perhaps never was something of an overstatement, but Charles did want nothing more than to put distance between himself and Erik before the other man could give voice to all his innermost fears. He didn’t want to hear Erik tell him that, though they were friends and he respected him, he didn’t feel the same way. Or, worse, that he had been an idiot to feel the way he did. That Erik was disgusted. That Charles had destroyed their friendship with his selfish emotions. Whatever Charles had expected, and he’d considered so many possible outcomes, it wasn’t the firm pressure of Erik’s lips against his. He was so stunned that he couldn’t think, caught firmly between desire and fear. It felt good, right in a way nothing ever had, and for a brief moment he gave in to that feeling. But it couldn’t last, not with the doubts and uncertainties raging in his mind, and he jerked away with a choked gasp. He stepped back, desperate to put some distance between them, closing his eyes and barely resisting the urge to wrap his arms around himself defensively as he struggled in vain to regain his composure. “Don’t.” He said quietly, his voice shaking. “Please, Erik. Don’t.” He knew now how Erik had kissed Raven, not because he felt any romantic attachment to her, or because he wanted her, but because it was what she wanted. He didn’t want Erik to do the same for him, to pretend to feel something he didn’t just for his sake. “Please don’t do that if you don’t mean it.” And how could he? How could Erik possibly feel the same as he did? “Charles?” the name left Erik’s lips as a confused plea. He hadn’t expected his best friend to pull away from him so violently, to fall back and look as though he was about to fall apart at any second under the weight of what had just happened, and as he spoke, there was a sharp pain in Erik’s chest that made it hard for him to breathe. “Charles,” Erik repeated again, stepping forward slowly and reaching out, wrapping one hand around the other man’s shoulders as he rested his forehead against Charles’s, the other hand resting lightly on his friend’s neck as he opened his own mind and tentatively reached out. It wasn’t something that Erik did often, lowering his defenses like this, and even as he had overcome his trust issues when it came to Charles and his ability, there was always a struggle each time that he strive to engage him in this manner. He wasn’t nearly as practice at expressing himself via thought as Charles was, so things didn’t come in a mass but rather in waves as they occurred to him. His fears and uncertainties. His confusions. The denials and lack of understanding about what a relationship would entail. His own sheer lack of experience with feelings this deep. While he wasn’t sure all of it was pertinent or made much more sense than it did in his own muddled up mind, Erik knew that it was good for at least one thing. It would tell Charles that he most definitely did mean it. “Erik...” The contact was overwhelming, tearing down his defences, and Charles felt as though he might break apart if he didn’t put some distance between himself and Erik. Why couldn’t Erik understand that just being this close to him was more than Charles could take? He was too overwhelmed to even think of pulling away, and the sudden touch of Erik’s mind held him in place even as his knees threatened to give out from under him. He was afraid to look, afraid of what he might see in Erik’s head, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn away from the implicit offer. Erik didn’t open his mind lightly and Charles couldn’t have resisted even if he wanted to. He wasn’t quite sure what he felt or thought as Erik’s feelings washed over him. It was a wholly disconcerting experience to realise that he had been so very mistaken. And yet, it was almost more frightening to find that his feelings were returned. He knew, just knew, that this would end in disaster. With who he was and who Erik was, it was practically guaranteed. And yet, Charles found himself drawn to the possibility. Even though they were sure to go down in flames, he wanted this for as long as he could have it. He’d never imagined, in those days after Cuba when despair threatened to drown him, that he would have so much as Erik’s friendship again. This had been so far outside the realm of possibilities that it hadn’t even occurred to him to hope. Pulling back just enough to see Erik’s face, Charles looked up at him with a careful expression, something dangerously approaching hope in his eyes. Though there were so many things he could have said, Charles was weary of the misunderstandings allowed by language and chose instead to follow Erik’s example. Hesitantly, a palpable tension in his frame, he rested his hands carefully on the other man’s shoulders and leaned up to press their mouths together again. Erik Lehnsherr had never had a relationship. Before Charles, Raven, and the rest of the kids, he’d barely had anything which amounted to a friendship. Friendships and relationships require trust, and Erik had never been a very trusting person. After everything that had happened in his life, every way that those around him had tried to hurt him, it had taken everything in himself to overcome his initial negative reactions to just people in general to form the bonds that he had. This place had helped, perhaps more than Erik would ever understand, by removing the need to fight against the whole of society. Without the pressures of having to prove himself more worthy than the rest of humanity, without people being against him just for being who he was, Erik was able to relax his defenses and allow people close. He didn’t have to be Magneto, leader of a revolution, here. He could just be Erik. Responding to the press of Charles’s lips against his own, Erik pulled Charles closer to him, arms moving down to loop around his waist, hands resting gently on Charles’s back as he tried to relax that tension that had filtered into him. There weren’t much assurances that he could give with his mouth occupied, but he was more than willing to reach out with his mind again to let Charles know that this was real, this was happening, and this was what he wanted just as much as Charles did. The feeling of Erik’s mind, open and reaching out to his own, was even better than the physical sensations of the kiss and his friend’s hands pulling him close. It was something he had always wanted and could never have in his fleeting relationships, if they could even be called that, over the years. There was no way to feel that connection without first letting the other person know about his ability, and that was something Charles had never been able to risk. Now in this moment, with Erik’s thoughts washing over his own, Charles felt right in a way he hadn’t even thought possible. He was honestly frightened by how good this felt. He knew all too well that there was every chance that one or both of them could be sent back and they would lose this. The very idea was enough to make him feel vaguely panicked, doing his best to pull Erik closer and deepen the kiss as if that alone could stave off the unwelcome thoughts. He knew that they should probably talk about this, but for the moment he was entirely uninterested in talking. Really, he was uninterested in anything beyond the current proceedings. Instead, he reached for the connection between his mind and Erik’s and sent the other man those new concerns, his worry and the cause for the sudden desperation. It was a relief to be able to open up like this, without having to worry about the misunderstandings inherent in speech. Feeling the thoughts brush around the edges of his mind before making themselves known to him fully, Erik knew that he couldn’t say that he wouldn’t be going anywhere. None of them could make that promise when they weren’t the ones in control of their presence here in the first place, but what Erik could promise was that there was nothing that could make him leave of his own accord. As much of a jerk as he could be at time, as much as he could put his foot in his mouth and upset a situation, as much as he might seem as though he was pulling away, he would always be there at the end of it. Pulling back from the kiss after another moment, trying to ignore the fact that his face was warm and that it probably looked as though his cheeks had taken on the same hue as his hair, Erik flashed Charles a bit of a sheepish smile, “Well. Now that that’s sorted out.” Charles was glad that Erik didn’t offer meaningless reassurances. Because that was exactly what they would have been. Meaningless. Neither of them could control how long they would remain in this place. All that they could do was hope for the best and try to make the most of whatever time they had here. That knowledge, along with the thought that they would do all in their power to stay, helped to ease the knot in his chest. That Erik was here at his side did the rest. For all that had happened between them, all the pain and confusion and misunderstandings, he cared about Erik more than anything and his friend’s presence made him feel as though he could handle anything. He stared up at Erik, feeling slightly dazed as he tried to remember how to breathe in the wake of the kiss, and couldn’t help the quiet laugh that escaped at his friend’s words. “And you were doing so well too,” he said, his tone light with a fond sort of teasing. “You just had to ruin it by talking, didn’t you, my friedn?” Of course now he had a way to shut Erik up when he came too close to sticking his foot in his mouth, one he found he quite enjoyed. “I really preferred the sorting bit. In fact, I think it could use more sorting. Don’t you?” “But I like talking,” Erik said with a playful smile. There was a teasing lilt in his own voice, one that made it obvious that he knew talking was really superfluous to this situation not when they could have entire conversations in the span of a few seconds, as he squeezed Charles’s waist. “Though, the sorting was definitely nice. I do think I could go for a bit more of it,” He said before nodding towards the couch. “But nobody said we couldn’t get comfortable first.” It wasn’t that Erik had any expectations at the moment. Quite the opposite, in fact, but he didn’t see what the point of standing in the middle of the room was when there were other options at hand, and Charles was no longer trying to run away from him or the situation. “It’s funny that you like it,” Charles said, not unkindly, “given how bad you are at it.” To be honest, he found Erik’s propensity for sticking his foot in his mouth rather endearing. At least, when it wasn’t terribly annoying. Or perhaps it was both at once. It was hard to think properly with Erik so very close. He breathed a sigh of relief as Erik made it clear that he wanted more of what had just happened, as if some part of him had been afraid the other man would come to his senses and see how bad an idea this really was. “Comfortable,” he repeated. “Yes...that could be nice. Very nice actually.” He was quiet for a moment, caught in indecision. He almost bit back the words on the tip of his tongue, but ultimately decided that nothing was gained by letting fear win out. “My room is just down the hall,” he said quietly. He paused a moment. “I’m not...I don’t mean...” He stopped and took a deep breath. “I don’t have any expectations, I just...I like falling asleep next to you. And my bed has a fair bit more space than the sofa...if you’re interested.” Erik had always found that he had the most stimulating conversations with Charles, the sort that could go on for hours and hours without either of them noticing that time had passed, which was truly remarkable when he actually considered how much trouble both of them had with forming words. It had never occurred to Erik before he and Charles had started discussing his ability in more depth just why Charles had a hard time putting together his deeper, more complex thoughts into words, but now, he was absolutely certain that even as tumbled over his words, he was more than assured of just want he was trying to say. “It’ll make for a change, certainly,” Erik said, a teasing edge in his voice as he smiled down at Charles. “Actually going to bed rather than just passing out where we sit. And instead of waking up to a surprise visitor in the night.” Words had never been Charles’s strong suit. Oh, he could talk about genetics at length, hold intelligent conversation on any number of topics, and people apparently found him charming and well spoken. But when it came to emotional discussions, talking about the things in his head, he’d always fallen short. It was very telling that his greatest failings had come in the moments when he couldn’t find the right words to express his thoughts. Words just weren’t something he especially cared for, so clumsy and awkward compared to the purity of thought. There was no room for misunderstanding when it came to the mind. Thoughts were simple, even the most complex ones, and he’d always appreciated the way they said exactly what they meant. Now, having opened his mind to Erik, he felt as though they finally understood one another. “Yes,” he agreed, barely resisting the urge to lean up and press his lips against that smile again. Except he really didn’t have to resist, did he? It was a thrilling realisation to know that he could touch Erik, kiss him, if he wanted to. It warmed something inside him to realise how easy this could be. “Imagine not waking up having fallen off the sofa...again. It’s entirely new and different.” “Having a lie in in the morning,” Erik said with a playful quirk of a grin on his features as he reached out and pinched Charles in the side. Glancing towards the abandoned chessboard, Erik flicked his gaze back over to Charles, “We can always leave the game to finish up tomorrow.” Not that it was a very pressing matter. They started, finished, and abandoned games daily. It was a trivial thing to leave it with a much better option on the table. “Shall we? I’ll let you lead the way. It’s the gentlemanly thing, after all.” “A lie in?” Charles started, then flinched away from the contact with a sharp, indignant noise as Erik pinched him. He paused a moment to regain his composure, giving Erik a Look. “You’ve clearly never met our students before, my friend,” he continued. “But it would still be nice, sleeping together, in a bed, for a change.” If he placed certain emphasis on specific words in that sentence, it was no more than Erik deserved. “The game will hold until tomorrow.” Rather than get annoyed, Charles just gave Erik a small smile. “No, I insist,” he said, gesturing for Erik to go first. “Ladies first.” Erik laughed, a deep good natured laugh, as he shook his head at Charles and smiled, “How about we go together? The door is more than big enough, after all,” He said, reaching out and taking Charles’s hand in his own. “And we can hope that they’ll leave it for awhile, at least. It’s not like Raven bounds into your room and jumps on the bed to wake you up. She doesn’t, right?” Charles smiled fondly, enjoying the sound of Erik’s laugh. He didn’t do that nearly enough. “Together sounds fantastic, darling,” he said, squeezing Erik’s hand. It was such a simple things, holding hands, but it was something he’d never anticipated having with Erik. He considered the mental image of Raven coming into his room to find him and Erik together, and couldn’t help but laugh. “No, Erik,” he said. “Raven was never really in the habit of waking me in that manner.” His smile slipped slightly. Raven hadn’t, because doing so might aggravate injuries he had sustained from Kurt or Cain. He sighed, giving Erik another smile that was only partly forced. “Come along then.” Something had changed. Erik wasn’t sure what it was, whether it was something he’d said or just a stray thought that had dampered Charles’s reactions, but he reached out with his mind again, giving Charles a bit of a supportive mental nudge as he squeezed his best friend’s hand and walked with him out into the hall and down the hall towards Charles’s room. Filtering a quiet, reassuring line of thought to Charles, Erik spared him a glance and smiled at the same time, “Well, even if she decides to make it a one time thing, we’ll just chuck a pillow at her and tell her to leave us be for a few hours.” Charles could feel Erik’s concern and it loosened the knot of unease that had formed in his chest. He found himself suddenly wanting to explain in a way he never had before. Something about this thing between them, now that it was real and not some terrifying possibility, had him wanting to open up to the other man. He could have just showed him, but there was a part of him that needed to say it aloud. Because he never really had, and he knew he had to stop running from his past...as if he could, surrounded by it as he was. Still, Erik and Raven and the children helped to chase away the ghosts that filled the mansion. “Raven only did it a handful of times when she was very young,” he said softly as they walked. “When she was first settling in she was too nervous and...by the time she got over that...” He shook his head and sighed, his grip on the other man’s hand tightening slightly as he continued. “It didn’t take long for her to realise that she had to be careful, lest she...aggravate injuries.” He glanced up at Erik. “She felt so guilty after the first few times that she stopped. Even now...it isn’t something she does.” He gave the other man a small, reassuring smile. “I’m sorry for bringing it up...I know it sort of...I’m quite happy right now, and don’t really want to think about...that. But, on the bright side, we’ll likely have privacy in the morning.” It wasn’t much, but it was something. Erik’s initial reaction to Charles’s words was a burst of protective rage towards those who had put Charles in such a position, who had made it so he seemed to think that such things were a normal part of the human experience, and the desire to make them feel every bit of pain that Charles had ever experienced. But without that option at hand, Erik had no choice but to try and tamp down on his urge towards violence and focus on the concern that he felt towards Charles. Pausing in front of Charles’s room, Erik pulled Charles into a hug with a sigh, “I’m sorry I ever assumed you had it easy, Charles.” Charles hardly resisted the hug, relaxing into it, and letting the affection inherent in the act wash over him. But he pulled away quickly, looking Erik firmly in the eye. He wasn’t going to let his past taint this. It had been like a shadow over too much of his life, and he didn’t want it to touch this. “Do not apologise, Erik,” he said. “You didn’t mean anything by what you said. Besides, I did have it easy...or far easier than most people. I had Raven. And she made all the difference. She really did. If I hadn’t had Raven in my life, I would have...I honestly don’t know what I might have done. But I did have her. So there was some good.” He opened the door to his room, stepping inside and pulling Erik in after him. “I don’t want to talk about this, Erik,” he said, shutting the door and turning to face the other man. “That’s not to say I won’t ever discuss it with you, but right now I have a gorgeous man with the a frankly stunning OCA2 mutation in my bedroom, and I’d much rather focus on that.” “Only you,” Erik said with a hint of amusement in his voice. “Only you, Charles, would come up with a compliment that could confuse as much as flatter,” He said, shaking his head as he reached down and took his friend’s hands. “I’ve no idea whether you’re talking about my eyes or my hair,” Erik said before leading Charles over to the bed and sitting himself down on it. Charles laughed, smiling genuinely for the first time since the topic had turned to his past. “OCA2 refers to your eyes,” he told Erik, letting himself be led over to the bed and pulling his friend to sit next to him. “But I must say your MC1R mutation is quite nice as well.” He ducked his head, feeling all too pleased that Erik presumably found his scientific babbling endearing rather than annoying. “And now that you’re done getting me to flatter you, we should perhaps focus on the other part of what I said.” The bedroom part. Because he did want to kiss Erik again. Rather desperately actually. “Why, yes, the sleeping part,” Erik said with a playful grin as he kicked his shoes off. “I suppose we should get comfortable.” Sparing Charles a sideways glance, Erik couldn’t hide the amusement that was dancing in his eyes. He was teasing, of course, but mostly because he wanted to see Charles’s reaction. Charles knew what Erik was doing, but his friend truly had no idea what he was getting into. With a placid smile, Charles cast a sideways glance at the other man and got to his feet. “Comfortable does sound good,” he said casually, undoing his cuffs and then unbuttoning his shirt as he spoke. “Since we’re going to be sleeping.” He slipped his shirt off, tossing it in the hamper and turning his attention back toward Erik. “Well,” he said, “weren’t you going to get comfortable?” It was as close to a challenge as Charles could have gotten with such a move, and Erik found himself grinning up at his best friend. “Of course. I’d hate to muck up your bed with my dirty clothes,” Erik said, standing and pulling his shirt off over his head and tossing it towards Charles’s hamper as well, taking a step towards Charles with a smile. “I hope you don’t mind if I really do get comfortable,” Erik said with a quirk of a grin as he reached down to undo his belt. “I don’t think either of us would enjoy it if I left these on.” Charles had to bite back any reaction as Erik stripped off his shirt. The other man had worked hard to be in shape for his Nazi hunting and it showed. Still, he wasn’t going to let his friend win out in this impromptu challenge. Focusing on his ability as he stepped into the other man’s personal space, he stilled Erik’s hands and finished undoing the belt and then the front of his trousers with his telekinesis. Though some would have argued that it would have been more effective to do it by hand, he knew Erik would appreciate the finer control he had gained over his ability, even if he’d never expected to use it for this purpose. “Someone’s been practicing,” Erik responded, trying to ignore the flare of a blush that had blossomed on his face at Charles’s actions. There was a deep appreciation in Erik for Charles being willing to show the evolution in his ability off in such a way in private, but there was a certain ill experience with such things that sparked a hint of embarrassment in Erik. A hint of embarrassment that he was working past as he took another step forward and freed his hands from Charles’s grasp before reciprocating with a flick of his fingers, undoing Charles’s trousers with his own ability, pausing as he realized that that had only managed the job part way. Shaking his head, Erik just glanced up at Charles with a quirk of an eyebrow, “And who wears clothes with ceramic buttons anymore, Charles? Honestly,” He said with a mocking sigh, as if he was so belabored by the extra effort that it took to reach out and undone the button by hand. Though, in truth, the big to do that he was making about it was mostly to try and conceal the color that was seeping into his face and the way that his hands were shaking. As soon as he’d managed it, though, Erik spared a glance back up at Charles. “Looks like we’re all set for bed, then,” He said, stepping back out of his trousers and towards the bed, giving a bit of a yawn as he did. “Just in time.” “I might have been,” Charles admitted, flushing slightly at both Erik’s proximity and the implied praise in the other man’s words. He had wanted to impress him, even if that might have seemed rather juvenile to some. He raised an eyebrow as Erik used his ability to undo his fly, then his eyes widened as the other man’s hands undid the button of his trouser. Right. Not metal. He kept himself perfectly still, stunned to silence and almost too shocked to breathe as Erik’s fingers deftly worked his trousers open, allowing him to step out of them, toeing off his shoes and socks as he did. Still, he wasn’t willing to concede defeat just yet, even as Erik was left in his pants and moving toward the bed. There was a competitive edge to the way Charles placidly smiled at Erik. Really, the other man had no idea what he was in for here. “But Erik,” he said, with a practiced sort of innocence, his tone designed to catch the other man’s attention, “it’s like you said...we wouldn’t want to muck up the bed with dirty clothes.” With that, he slipped his fingers beneath the waistband of his pants. He wasn’t actually going to take them off, but Erik didn’t need to know that. He imagined the intent might just be enough to get his way. Most everyone thought of Charles Xavier as a man who meant the best, who had the most genuine and sincere considerations for the betterment of the world, and simply wanted everyone to understand and appreciate each other for who they were. Erik Lehnsherr, however, was lucky enough to know what a wicked minded deviant Charles could be when he really wanted to be. Erik’s gaze shot up, eyes widening, as the implication in Charles’s words. His face flushed from ear to ear, the blush going so far as to travel down his neck as he raised a hand to try and stop him. “I think,” Erik started, stammering a bit as he paused at the side of the bed. “I think, this is fine. For now. I mean, we can work up to that, but I’m not... This is fine. Isn’t it?” Charles had only meant to tease Erik. Well, really, he’d meant to push his friend’s buttons until he dropped this ridiculous pretense of sleeping and kissed him again. But they were pretty much the same thing. He hadn’t, however, meant to turn the other man into an awkward, stammering mess. It was easy to forget, with how confident Erik was, that he had almost no experience whatsoever with anything romantic or sexual. Not wanting to push Erik too far too fast, lest he break the poor man, he removed his hands out of his pants and stepped back into his friend’s personal space. “Of course this is fine,” he assured him, taking hold of his hands and guiding him to sit on the bed, sitting down next to him. “This is more than fine, Erik.” Just being this close to him was more than enough for Charles. “I was only teasing, I promise. I would never pressure you into anything...you do know that, don’t you.” He worried now, that perhaps this was too much for Erik, and that he was only going along with it because he thought it was what Charles wanted. “I know, Charles. I know,” Erik said as he peered over at his best friend, slowly realizing just how many new levels were added to this interaction now than there had been before. Charles had come into his room many nights without Erik thinking anything about it beyond the man needing company. They had fallen asleep on the couch in the study many evenings just enjoying each others’ presence. But this was something else entirely now, and as Erik managed to calm the blush that had flared into his features at Charles’s teasing, he lifted a from where they had been clasped with his friend’s, settling it lightly on Charles’s cheek before leaning forward and kissing him briefly. “We can work up to it.” They had been this close many times, but never like this. Stripped of pretence, and the majority of their clothes, with their feelings laid bare between them, the proximity took on a new and fairly intimidating tone. Charles was in his bedroom, with a man he cared for deeply and who shared his feelings. It was a lot to deal with, and there was a part of him that still wanted to run away before this could implode in an epic clusterfuck. He honestly might have, if not for the way Erik kissed him. The brief contact calmed his nerves and a warm feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. This could work, he knew, as long as they trusted one another. And he trusted Erik completely, so he didn’t think that would be a problem. “Working up to it fine by me,” he assured his friend. Bracing his hands against Erik’s bare chest, and that in and of itself was new and somewhat overwhelming, he leaned forward to kiss him again. Just because they weren’t going to push things further didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy the point they’d gotten to thusfar. This was a heady, confusing situation, one that was making Erik’s head swim and his heart leap into his throat. The touch of Charles’s hands against his chest seared into his senses as he kissed him again. As much as Erik felt this was heading in the right direction, he couldn’t help the nerves that were pricking at him, making him feel as though there should be some distance between the two of them if only to make it a bit easier for Erik to breathe. Shifting his hands down slowly to cover Charles’s, Erik deepened the kiss briefly before gently pulling back and turning Charles’s hands in his. “Think maybe we should lay down?” Erik asked quietly. “No reason for us to put ourselves at risk for slipping off onto the floor.” Charles couldn’t help but feel confused. Erik seemed interested in the proceedings, but he kept pulling back. It didn’t make sense to him, and it left him feeling insecure. He really wasn’t trying to push Erik into anything, but he had no idea what was and wasn’t allowed here and it left him in an uncomfortable position of uncertainty. He was beginning to wonder, in spite of the display before, if Erik really was only interested in sleeping. And that, in turn, made him wonder if he’d been misreading the whole situation. He knew Erik cared about him, his thoughts couldn’t have lied that convincingly, and the stripping made him think the other man was at least somewhat interested, but what if Erik was trying to make him feel something he couldn’t. You could care about someone without being attracted to them, after all. He got to his feet, needing some distance to clear his head, and moved to the other side of the bed. “Of course,” he said, making sure to keep his thoughts to himself for now so as not to risk making Erik more uncomfortable. He pulled down the covers and slid into bed, glad it was large enough that he wouldn’t be intruding into Erik’s personal space. He curled up on his side, his back to the other man, trying not to feel too embarrassed about coming on too strong. “Um...goodnight, then.” Erik wasn’t sure what he’d said or done wrong. It had to have been something, and as he watched Charles stand and pull away from him, he quietly watched him move to the other side of the bed and crawl under the covers. Even as he did, though, there was an air of restraint in him, the appearance of Charles trying to cut himself off in several ways, and the lack of Charles skirting the edges of his mind made his body language all that more clear. “Charles,” Erik said softly, moving and crawling into the bed behind him, shifting across the bed and gently curling an arm around his friend’s waist. “I didn’t mean it like that,” He said with a soft sigh. Pressing a kiss to the back of Charles’s neck, Erik leaned down, resting his forehead to the back of his friend’s head and hugging him around the waist, “I don’t know what I said, but I just didn’t want us to get too caught up and end up in an awkward position. I mean, this is nicer than perching on the edge of the bed. Right?” Charles wasn’t sure what to say. Though he knew Erik was unused to this sort of intimacy, the other man was giving him terribly mixed signals. He wasn’t sure what to do, and he was worried about pushing things too quickly. At the same time though, he needed Erik to be clear with him about these things. Otherwise, how was he supposed to know what the other man wanted? All in all it was terribly confusing. Still, even with how frustrating Erik could be, Charles still found himself shivering slightly as Erik slid up behind him and wrapped an arm around him. This just made it that much harder to know where the boundaries lie. “You were getting uncomfortable,” he explained as he turned in Erik’s hold to face his friend, his expression one of wide-eyed confusion. “I was just trying to respect what you want...which is quite difficult, actually, because you really don’t give a clear idea what that is. I mean...if you aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy, you only have to say so. I just...don’t want you to feel like I’m rushing things. I really don’t.” And, perhaps, in trying to respect what he thought Erik wanted, he was overcompensating. “It isn’t that I’m not comfortable with it, Charles,” Erik said, his heart aching at the sight of the confusion in Charles’s eyes. He really just was horrible at saying the right thing, if he could make Charles feel like this by just suggesting that they lay down. “It’s just new, and I’m not used to all of it yet,” He said, leaning forward and kissing Charles again as he smiled and rested his forehead against his friend’s. “Really, I was just getting a bit dizzy and didn’t want us to fall off the edge of the bed,” He said, reaching out to Charles again mentally to let him see the awkwardness that Erik was feeling, the mix of excitement and nerves and not knowing what to do with his hands, that collided with his affections, his curiosities, and the barest inklings of desire buried under everything else. “I just need to find my footing, Charles. That’s all.” Charles relaxed as Erik opened his mind once more and the confusion he had been feeling abated. He could tell already that this relationship - he’d have to ask if it was actually a relationship, since it seemed wrong to presume as much the first night - would be a complicated one. Neither he nor Erik was particularly skilled when it came to communicating, and he didn’t see that changing overnight. Of course, the kissing helped some, but he wasn’t naive enough to think that would be enough to get them through this. “This,” he said with a sigh, “is why I hate talking. That -” he brought his fingers up and tapped them against Erik’s temple, indicating the thoughts his friend had shared with him, “makes sense to me. But when we try adding words to the equation...it becomes something of a mess. Can’t we just not talk?” It was a more serious question than it sounded, and Charles hoped Erik realised what he actually meant. He’d done his best to keep out of the other man’s thoughts for so long, and he wasn’t sure he could keep it up. He wanted to be inside Erik’s mind, wanted to be welcome there, but he knew that was a level of intimacy that his friend might not be comfortable with. It took Erik a moment to realize exactly what Charles meant when he asked whether they could just not talk. Their lips were going to be rather otherwise occupied, after all, so talking was really superfluous to the situation, but the idea of keeping their minds open at the same time was a daunting prospect. Erik had always been highly protective of his thoughts so much to the point that he’d even accidentally alienated Charles over it, and while he had grown well past that point in the last few months, he still wasn’t entirely sure he was ready for what that would entail even with as much as he trusted Charles to not use his own thoughts against him. “I think,” Erik said after a moment, taking a slow, deep breath to try and steady his nerves, “I think we can try,” He said. “I might not be entirely comfortable with it at first, Charles. But I’ll never get used to it if we don’t give it a go.” Charles had been so convinced Erik was going to dismiss the idea outright. It had been on the tip of his tongue to take back the request and stave off the disappointment that would come when Erik inevitably rejected that part of him. Because of this, he wasn’t quite able to keep the shock off his face when Erik said that he would try. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than anything Charles had dared to hope for. The surprise quickly faded, replaced by a warm smile. He leaned forward without even meaning to, kissing Erik deeply. His mind was buzzing with happiness at finally being able to share this part of himself with someone else. He’d never had relationships and, even when he had tried, this had never been an option before. “Thank you,” he said breathlessly, staring at Erik with something like awe and adoration, as if he couldn’t quite believe he’d found someone like him. He pressed their lips together again, lowering his shields and letting Erik feel how happy he was, how right it felt to him to be able to be open with someone in this way. Erik had thought that he might find being that open uncomfortable, but as Charles’s feelings flooded him, there wasn’t anything in him that felt as though he needed to pull back from the rush of the mental connection. If it did anything, in fact, it put more eagerness behind Erik’s actions as he returned the kisses and curled his arm tighter around Charles’s waist, pulling the other man against him as they kissed, Erik happily reciprocating Charles’s flood of feelings with his own happiness and contentment. For all the awkwardness and uncertainty that unlaid those thoughts, it was definitely happiness that was the strongest one Erik was sending. Charles wasn’t sure there were words for how good it felt to have Erik’s mind open to him in this way. It reassured him that his feelings were reciprocated and that this wasn’t just Erik going along with something he didn’t want for his sake. It was overwhelming in the best way to feel just how happy Erik was. He reached for the connection between them, letting Erik know how he had never really had something like this before, how he already felt closer to Erik than anyone else he’d ever been with. He knew that his telepathy meant he got attached quickly. His friendships in Colligo had more than proven that. But with Erik it wasn’t scary. It was oddly comforting to feel such a deep attachment. It would have been easy to lose himself in the dual sensations of his physical and mental connection with Erik, the way they fed into each other, but he did his best to remain grounded in spite of how much he just wanted to sink into the feeling. Erik knew how deeply and quickly that Charles formed attachments. He knew it from observation as much as he knew it from first hand experience, and even as the briefest flickerings of fear filtered through the back of his mind about just how much it would hurt Charles if he ended up getting sent back home, he knew that there was no point in worrying about that even as his mind tried to stir up those types of thoughts. He realized, belatedly, though, that Charles had probably already heard them. A flush darkened his cheeks as the realization spread over him, a very sheepish smile crossing his features as he peered down at Charles, “Sorry. I didn’t mean...” He didn’t mean for his mind to go in that direction, not when it would ruin the mood so spectacularly. Charles shook his head as Erik tried to apologise, taking the other man’s hand in his. “You never have to apologise for your thoughts, my friend,” he said gently. “It is a concern, yes, and...I cannot bear the thought of you being sent back...I honestly think losing you might well destroy me...but I want you to share those things with me. Perhaps now isn’t the ideal time for it, but...I want to know what worries you. Truthfully, I want to know everything about you. I know...well...I know I don’t exactly go about these things the way most people do...I’m not sure I could if I wanted to...and I do hope that it’s not too much for you.” He sighed, pulling Erik closer again. “But I can assure you,” he said with a lazy smile, “that you would have to try quite a bit harder than that to ruin the mood. I mean...really, Erik. Have you seen yourself?” He wasn’t talking about just Erik’s physical appearance, though that was quite nice. His mind was one of the most fascinating Charles had ever encountered and he was sure he could spend eternity there and never grow tired of it. Erik laughed, not really sure how to respond to a comment like that, even as flattered as it made him feel. “I can’t say that I have ever found myself all that attractive in any way, Charles,” He said, offering his best friend a bit of a smile. “And I think I’ve gotten a little too used to my own thoughts to find them at all intriguing in the way that you seem to,” He said, the last few words coming as he heard the thought cross Charles’s mind even before Erik had realized that that was where they had come from. The shock of the belated realization that came after saying that reverberated through his entire system. This link was going to take a great deal of getting used to. “Then you clearly need glasses,” Charles said emphatically, looking Erik over with a single-minded intensity to his gaze. The man was desperately attractive, there was no denying that and Charles saw no reason to pretend otherwise. After everything Erik had been through in his life, he deserved to have someone appreciate him. And Charles was more than willing to do so. His eyes widened and he couldn’t quite bite back a grin as Erik responded to something he’d only thought. There was something terribly thrilling about having someone understand him without words. Oh, my love, he thought fondly, offering the thought up to Erik as he kissed him to silence any more arguments regarding what was and wasn’t attractive about the other man, you have no idea. I don’t think a day will come when I’m accustomed enough to your mind to find it anything other than completely intoxicating. My love. Not ‘my friend’ or even ‘my dear’, or any other joking endearment they so often used. Charles couldn’t bring himself to be anything less than honest in his mind and those words just weren’t enough. Though some would say it was too soon for such things, Charles loved Erik. He had almost since he’d met him, though it had been a more platonic affection then. And he wasn’t afraid to be open, because he was so sure Erik understood. Erik did understand, but there was a drop in his stomach, a mix of anxiety and surprise, at the words all the same. Sure, Charles had called him love before. He’d called him darling and dear and a whole host of other endearments which would make people raise an eyebrow at the pair of them, but there was a whole new level of feelings in this statement, this thought, that left Erik quietly stunned. Even as much as he could feel every inch of Charles’s thoughts and feelings now, he was still staggered by the intensity of them. Staggered but drawn in by them. Flatterer, was the only thing that Erik shot back as he returned the kiss, raising a hand to cup Charles’s cheek as he did, just letting himself sink into the feeling. Charles hadn’t known what to expect after accidentally professing his feelings so plainly. But Erik seemed fine, pleased even, and some knot of unease loosened inside him. He’d known Erik would understand, but it was one thing to understand and quite another to welcome the emotion the way his friend had. The warm feeling of affection inside him left him as dazed and breathless as the continued kissing did, but he was hardly complaining. If a little oxygen deprivation was the cost of feeling this way, then he was pretty sure he could learn to do without it. It’s not flattery if it’s the truth, he sent back, pressing into Erik’s touch even as he did his best to pull the other man even closer to him. It was the most pleasant sort of feedback loop, his emotions and Erik’s feeding into each other. He was pretty sure this could get out of their hands pretty fast if they weren’t careful. This was a heady, fuzzy feeling, one that Erik wasn’t quite sure how to cope with, but the playful banter in his mind eased any tension that tried to filter its way into his thoughts, and as he pulled back briefly from the kisses, Erik took a slow, deep breath and offered Charles a quiet smile. Even with his mouth free, though, Erik suddenly didn’t feel any desire or reason to open it. False. Still flattery. I could hardly say that you’re amazing in mind, spirit, and body without it coming off as horribly corny and pandering no matter how much I may mean it, Erik replied, a hint of a smirk dancing on his lips as his eyes practically dared Charles to thwap him for it. Charles laughed, shaking his head even as he flushed brightly at the compliment. It meant even more coming as it did from Erik’s mind. The other man didn’t have to speak with his mind that way, his mouth perfectly free to speak, but he chose to. And that meant more to Charles than anything else. He returned Erik’s smile with one of his own, feeling desperately giddy as he looked at the other man. Corny pandering or not, he assured him, the sentiment is more than appreciated. I can’t speak to the veracity of your opinion, but it’s appreciated nonetheless. Charles wasn’t sure he would ever quite be able to see himself the way Erik apparently did - for all that he had made a game of chatting up girls in University, he’d never been especially confident in his own appeal - but it left him feeling decidedly content. Oh, the veracity of my opinions is not at all in doubt, Erik shot back, a playful edge of taunting even in the thought as he smirked at Charles. He always had to be so formal in his speech, and even as Erik found it ridiculously endearing, he couldn’t help but tease him about it. Clearly, you just haven’t looked at yourself closely enough, my friend. We’ll have to change that soon, Erik thought, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Charles’s forehead before gathering the other man against his chest and closing his eyes. I could get used to this. Charles, if possible, turned even redder at the certainty in Erik’s tone, as well as the clear teasing over his vocabulary. He didn’t mind though, because Erik just seemed so happy and it was gratifying to think that he might be the cause of that. That’s quite all right, darling, he assured the other man. I’ll take your word for it. Because he wasn’t quite comfortable with his body and he wasn’t sure that would ever change, but he did appreciate that Erik thought there was something worth looking at about him. He smiled as Erik kissed his forehead and tugged him into his arms, closing his eyes with a pleased sigh and relaxing against him. Please do. In fact, I encourage you getting used to this. Moving a hand to gently run over Charles’s back, Erik smiled, echoing his friend’s sigh as he held him, Mmmm, I think I will. Very much so. It’s comfy, in more ways than one, Erik thought, a hazy of contented sleep starting to settle over his mind as he breathed in and out slowly. Coherency started to slip away from his mind, filtering more into feelings than words, as his hand moved absentmindedly over Charles’s bare back. “Goodnight,” Erik managed to mutter after a moment, the sentiment echoing in his mind as something akin to a warm blanket wrapping itself around Charles. It was a little strange how quickly they could transition from snogging like teenagers to settling down comfortably to sleep, but Charles hardly minded. He shifted closer to Erik, as close as he could get, and rested his head comfortably on the other man’s chest. Erik’s thoughts settled over him, the warmth and ease of his affection making Charles feel drowsy like a cat in a sunny window. He wrapped an arm around Erik’s waist, slipping a leg between his as he shifted to get comfortable, and gave a contented little sigh, his own thoughts wrapping around Erik’s as if to shield him from any bad dreams that might come. “‘Night, love,” he murmured, closing his eyes and settling down to sleep. He’d have to send Irene flowers in the morning.