InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "This box is tiny."

Erik Lehnsherr (wealreadyare) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2011-12-21 00:54:00

Entry tags:

charles xavier, erik lehnsherr

WHO: Erik Lehnsherr & Charles Xavier
WHAT: Raven, Bo, & Kerrigan have returned home. After Annie & Jaenelle, all of this at once could result in a major breakdown for Charles. So Erik sucks it up and goes to check on the friend he's been avoiding since they said some rather nasty things to each other.
WHEN: December 21st; Evening
WHERE: The mirror room at the Xavier Mansion
RATING: PG
STATUS: In Progress

Erik was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that Raven was gone. He'd been fond of Bo, definitely, and Kerrigan had been amusing, but he hadn't been able to form the sort of relationships with them that could have compared to his connection to Raven. All the same, he knew that Charles had. Kerrigan had been a dear friend. Bo had practically been his child ward. And Raven, of course, was his sister. All of this compounded together was bound to be too much for his friend to handle when he'd very nearly broken down when he'd lost one of his close friends here in the past. Spurred by Steph's words and his own deep concerns about Charles' stability, Erik had went looking for his friends, first in the study and then in the various other places that he might have expected to find Charles at a time like this. Not finding him any of them, Erik wondered if Charles had fled for a moment before it occurred to him that he hadn't checked perhaps the most obvious place for Charles to go.

Erik had built the room to benefit Charles, but it seemed that the telepathy preferred to use it when his being inside would benefit others. Extreme emotional states always seemed to hype up Charles's ability, sometimes in ways where the results were unpredictable and sometimes lethal, so Erik hesitated for a moment outside the door to the mirrored sanctuary before steeling himself. Whatever could happen, it didn't matter. Whatever Charles thought, he did not need to be alone right now.

"So," Erik said, gently pressing the door open, exposing it to the outside world for the briefest of seconds before stepping inside and closing the door behind him, leaving him and Charles the only minds present in the area, "just how far gone are you?"

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bardcore
2011-12-22 11:15 am UTC (link)

Charles felt numb. That was honestly the best way to describe it. He just felt so numb. It was so much worse than when Annie or Jaenelle had left, but then as close as he had been to the both of them it had just been one loss at a time. This was Sarah and Bo and Raven all at once. His bond with Sarah had been instant and powerful and it felt like something had been ripped out of him to have it gone. It made him want to put up walls to prevent that sort of connection from happening again, because it hurt so much to have that bond so abruptly severed. But though that was the most obvious pain, it was by far the most painful. Bo had quickly become like a daughter to him, something he had never expected to have. His own childhood had left him afraid to have children of his own, worried that he would make the same mistakes his mother had. Or worse, that Kurt had. That Bo had been so brilliant, that he clearly hadn't failed with her, was a relief. But losing her was devastating. And Raven...

Raven's loss was the worst by far. Raven was his sister, perhaps not by blood but in all the ways that mattered and which were so much more important. She had been the only person in his life to give a damn about him for so long, his little sister who he loved more than anything. He had lost her once, through his own foolishness and emotional difficulties and it had been almost too much to bear. Losing her again was like reopening a barely healed wound. There was a part of him that felt like she had only forgiven him because of his condition when she arrived in the city. He was afraid that, if she returned without her memories of the city, she wouldn't be able to get past their ideological differences a second time. And he was certain he couldn't bear that.

And all of it was so much worse because he couldn't turn to Erik. He had thoroughly messed that up and he wasn't sure how to fix it. He felt utterly ashamed of the things he had said to his friend, and he couldn't imagine Erik forgiving him...even if he hadn't been himself at the time. And, besides that, the things Erik said still stung. What if his friend really believed what he had said, that Charles was nothing more than a dysfunctional drunk and a poor role model? It didn't bear thinking about. No, it was best to avoid Erik until things settled down enough that they could pretend that awful conversation hadn't happened. At the very least, the holidays could pass without incident.

He'd locked himself in his mirrored room both for his own sake and for the sake of the others. His own because it was hard enough dealing with the raw ache of his severed bond without dealing with the press of so many minds, and that of the others because he could feel the edges of his power pushing out and he didn't want anyone else being hit by the force of his emotions. He just needed to be alone for a while, to put himself back together. He could feel the room subtly vibrating with the force of his power and the empty space in his mind ached to be filled. He hated this room, much as he knew it was necessary, because it felt so unnatural. His mind wasn't meant to be so solitary. But times like this, when it would be so easy for him to hurt someone else, it was unavoidable. Still, at least it had things, a bed and a desk and some books. It felt less like a prison that way.

Erik entering his sanctuary was like an electrical shock, the sudden presence colliding with his mind and jolting him out of his thoughts. He looked up sharply and a book flew across the room and smacked into Erik's chest, the remaining contents of the desktop rattling ominously. Charles stared and then looked away quickly. "Sorry," he said. "You startled me. Sarah and I were...that is...I was going to tell you...or show you rather, once I wouldn't make an idiot of myself giving you a demonstration. And I'm still not very good at it and...I didn't mean to hit you, but I didn't expect anyone to come in and..." He was babbling. Brilliant. He was normally better at this, but he still felt a bit like he was fraying at the ends, fractured in places and so close to breaking. And Erik had likely only come to be sure he wasn't drinking himself to death in here. And he wasn't. He did have other coping mechanisms. "What are you doing here?"

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wealreadyare
2011-12-25 12:55 am UTC (link)

Erik hadn't expected to have something chucked at him upon entering the room. The book colliding with his chest had startled Erik so much that it took him a few seconds before he realized that Charles had chucked it with his mind. Glancing up at his friend, a slightly sheepish expression on his face at the way that Charles looked away from him and attempted to stammer out an explanation about the book. Bending to pick it up, turning it in his hands for a moment before setting the book down on one of the tables in the room, Erik crossed over to Charles and grasped the other chair that he'd put in the room in case Charles had ever had company, pulling it over to him and sitting down across from his friend and looking at him with the sort of intense sincerity that only a personality like Erik's could muster.

"Steph was right. We've been playing the walking on eggshells game for far too long," Erik said with a sigh. "I figured if there was any moment that was right for me to finally man-up and come talk to you, it was when you needed someone to keep you from imploding."

Besides, it wasn't like there wasn't plenty to talk about that would keep them from broaching the topic of what they'd said to each other in perhaps one of the worst moments they'd shared together. And considering their history, that was definitely saying something. "So, telekinesis, eh?" Erik started, the question coming out rather lamely as he offered Charles a smile. "That'll come in handy. Even if you only ever use it to snag the remote from TV hoggers. Though, what am I saying? You're more likely to use it to get books down from the top shelf in the library." No having to climb up on that little ladder for Charles anymore.

And it wasn't like there were as many people about anymore to hog anything in the manor anymore. Erik had gotten used to having a house full about, and with every person that they lost, the place felt that much more empty. It was odd to Erik that he had started missing having people all around him, but he had, and while he might not understand how Charles missed people, he could still relate to missing them. "So," Erik said, glancing sheepishly up at Charles, his gaze curious and concerned, "how are you coping?"

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bardcore
2012-01-24 05:49 am UTC (link)

He didn't want to do this. He really didn't. Talking about things never helped. Often, in fact, they simply succeeded in making things worse. And right now he couldn't handle things getting any worse. He wasn't in control of himself, not completely, and he couldn't see this conversation going any way but badly. It would be better for Erik to leave, at least for now, and let him sort through the mess of his emotions, and they could talk later. Or not at all. Charles was sure that could work perfectly too. They didn't have to talk about this. They really didn't. They could manage just fine never talking about their fight or their problems. He was just sure of it.

He knew it came from his childhood, this reluctance to talk about his problems. Growing up, he'd had to keep so much to himself. His telepathy, Raven's ability, the abuse from Kurt and Cain. All of it had been pushed down and not spoken aloud. And when it did come up, it only led to bad things. His telepathy had led to Doctors and medicine and electroshock. The very idea of people knowing Raven's secret and possibly hurting her had terrified him into silence. And with Kurt and Cain, he'd known that telling people wouldn't make the slightest difference. So he hadn't. He'd kept that all in. And that had set the pattern for his life. He didn't talk about his pain. He kept it in. And that had been driven home when Erik and Raven left. He'd been in charge of three young men who were deeply hurting. He couldn't afford to break down. So he'd walled it all off.

Only now he felt like he was breaking apart inside. It was so much. It was too much, really. He couldn't handle it any more. And he didn't want to fight with Erik now, even if it was just fighting over whether or not to talk. So he did the other thing he so often did when faced with a problem. He accepted it. He gave in. "I suppose it will come in handy," he said quietly, hesitant to admit that for once he didn't know what he was doing, "provided I ever manage to get the hang of it. At present it's looking as though it will take quite a bit of work." He managed a small smile. "But...in some ways, it's refreshing. I haven't had to work at anything regarding my mutation in so long." He glanced at Erik. "And kindly stop disparaging my height."

When Erik asked how he was coping, he sighed. "Not terribly well," he admitted after a moment's pause. "I'm tired, Erik. I'm so bloody tired of trying with people only to have them up and vanish. It's painful. It feels like something's been ripped out...or severed. I never had this problem before because people were so hesitant to let me in. Maybe that was better." As much as it had hurt to be kept out, at least he'd been safe. He looked down. "And Raven...we never really got past our issues. We just pushed them to the side...she pushed them to the side because...because of my condition when she arrived. If she comes back and doesn't remember...I don't know if I can have that fight with her. I don't. I'll always believe what I do, and I can't change that. Not even for her." He gave Erik a tiny, bitter smile. "So, in short, I'm a bit of a mess right now. And there's nothing to be done for it."

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wealreadyare
2012-01-28 09:29 am UTC (link)

Erik couldn't help but smile in response to Charles's discussion of the telekinetic development. There were still so many ways that Erik didn't understand Charles's ability when he tried to hold it up in comparison to his own, and instinctively knowing exactly what he could do with it was one of those many ways. Erik had always had to try, relying on his emotions to give him the power when sheer force of will just wouldn't do the trick. Utilizing his abilities had been a series of traumatic stops and starts, stutters and uncertainties, not to mention the outright torture and manipulation which Shaw had put him through in order to test his limits. It had only been after meeting Charles when Erik had finally started to consider his actual potential not bound by the crippling limitations which had plagued him for most of his life, and then, there had been so much more to learn placed in front of him.

As refreshing as Charles thought it was to have something to work through, Erik envied him his inherent understanding of his ability. If he'd had that himself, his mother could have possibly lived, and his entire life would have turned out differently.

That thought was quickly dismissed, though. As much as Erik tended to dwell on dreams of situations which would never come to be, trapped in the glass mind blocking room with a delicate telepath was not the time. Flashing a bright grin at Charles, Erik reached out to give his friend's hair a ruffle, "Well, maybe if you weren't such a midget, it wouldn't be so easy," He said, briefly lightening the atmosphere in the room before he turned it sullen again. Particularly when Erik was left staggered, trying to find some way to react to Charles's fears about Raven having issues with him should she return and the idea that it was only his condition which had salved their relationship to begin with.

Shaking his head with a sigh, Erik raised a hand to rake through his own hair. "You're her brother, Charles. Raven's going to love you no matter what. Even if a situation arises where she wants to throttle you, she'd probably be willing to give you a hug and a kiss to make it all better once she was done," He said, lifting his eyes to meet his friend's, his own smile just a tiny as Charles's but far less bitter. Exactly what point had they swapped positions on the optimistic/pessimistic scale? "I can't make any promises about the others. This place is so fickle. But I know if/when Raven comes back, she'll be perfectly happy to see you."

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